The Black Phone: Ethan Hawke Takes Off His Belt

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After being abducted a young boy, played by Mason Thames, must fight to escape armed only with the past experiences of his abductor’s other dead victims.

What is it with Scott Derrickson and dead kids? Whether its Sinister, Deliver Us From Evil or this, the director seems to use dead children as his main horror gimmick, however, I am not complaining they work incredibly well in a creepy sense. I would say the horror here is a mixture of supernatural elements along with the obvious fear surrounding a man abducting and killing kids and for the most part it works well and is incredibly effective. Moreover, for once I didn’t see the jump scares coming and the few that this film does employ made me jump each time.

I think the performance from Ethan Hawke is terrific, despite only being in the film for a short amount of time his character’s impact is felt in all areas and Hawke really does a good job of bringing The Grabber to life and rounding him out as a character. I also think Thames does a good job as the lead, which is saying something as usually child actors give distractingly bad performances, however, that was not the case here.

My only complaint would be that the sub-plot surrounding the Sister, played by Madeline McGraw, and her prophetic dreams feels a bit too filler like for my tastes. I suppose it does bare fruit in the end as it results in the police finding the boy, however, all the scenes of her on her knees calling out to Jesus feel almost a little silly.

Overall, a very enjoyable horror film boosted to no end by Hawke.

Pros.

Hawke

Thames

The scares

The ending

Cons.

The sub-plot with the sister feels like filler

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Watcher: The Moral Of The Story Is Don’t Wave To People Who Watch You Randomly

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young woman, played by Maika Monroe, and her partner, played by Karl Glusman, move to Romania after the latter gets a job offer. However, during their time their women start getting killed and the lead finds herself facing more and more danger.

Other than her partner not being evil, despite being a dick, this film has little surprises in store. For the most part everything happens as you would expect it to in a thriller film and the mystery of what is going on is not much of one as it is incredibly obvious. The film does try and throw a few jump scares at you especially towards the end but they don’t land as they are blatantly signposted.

However, despite being obvious I do think this film has merit. It is incredibly tense and gripping and you can’t look away throughout it, It is always nice when a film can keep my attention. Moreover, Monroe continues to highlight what an unsung talent she is here landing another great and strongly compelling lead performance. I think the pros for this film just about outweigh the cons.

Overall, a fine thriller film made better by solid tension and a great lead performance from Monroe.

Pros.

The tension and suspense throughout

Monroe gives a really strong performance and conveys the stress and fear the character would be feeling in that situation in a very realistic way

The ending feels therapeutic

Cons.

It feels very familiar at times

Most the twists and reveals feel blatant and obvious.

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The Smurfs: Why Sony Pictures Animation Will Never Be Respected

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Sony decided to waste some money and bring back the Smurfs.

Where to start with this film. I will admit I went in with low expectations knowing full well that the film would most likely be bad, a Netflix driven act of viewing self-harm, and yet this film was more boring than bad. Truly there isn’t enough here to make it so bad it is good, or even to make it laughably bad. It is just lazy and uninspired.

My biggest question would be if Sony was going to waste the money trying to bring the Smurfs back why not do it well? The animation is some of the worst I have ever seen, worse than a Disney channel original movie, furthermore, I don’t think the poor quality can be blamed on the year this film came out as it was not that long ago: in all honesty I think Sony just went cheap with it.

Next on the agenda, why is Gargamel, played by Hank Azaria, such an incredibly anti-semitic character? Almost everything about the portrayal reeks of old fashioned and frankly dangerous Jewish stereotypes, are we not past that? Honestly how that character in that shape ever made it into the film is baffling.

Finally, Katy Perry isn’t a good voice actor. I didn’t really think that needed saying but hey musicians aren’t always great at everything, even if you cynically throw them into a film during the hight of their popularity to try and boost audience numbers.

Overall, how was this film successful?

Pros.

Neil Patrick Harris is always great

It is watchable if you are prepared to look past the more outdated elements

Cons.

The antisemitism

Perry

The animation is awful

It is incredibly generic

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Father Of The Bride: Really This Again

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A Latinx remake of Father Of The Bride. It is exactly what you would expect it to be for the most part.

A few things I will praise this film for, firstly Andy Garcia is terrific he perfectly captures the neurotic personality that Martin had in his take on the character, but also adds his own distinct flair to it. Moreover, I like that in a few small areas this film doesn’t follow the tried and tested story and does its own thing, sadly these sections were few and far between and the film as a whole could have benefited a lot more from trying to break away from and subvert our expectations rather than just giving us the same old same old.

I think in a lot of ways therein lies the main problem with this film, it is boring. It is the same story with the same characters that you have seen before. I understand that Hollywood is creatively bankrupt but do they think that can just keep remaking the same old collection of films over and over again and people will be happy and accept that? I think they need to do better.

Overall, Garcia is trying and the film is very watchable but ultimately this film lacks any kind of new ideas and just trots out the same worn plot beats and character journeys.

Pros.

Garcia

It is very watchable

Isabela Merced

Cons.

It is deeply generic

It relies heavily on cliches for its character types

It is tired and worn out in the extreme

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Abandoned: Straight Up Slop, Hard And Lacking Nourishment

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another horror thriller film about post-partum depression.

How many times are we going to be served the same slop? Is there supernatural goings on or does the lead character have post-partum depression, and or is the baby possessed or does the lead have post-partum. We have seen it so many times before and frankly I am becoming agitated with the generic storylines that keep making it into horror cinema, the Babadook did the idea well and all the films that have come after it have been bargain basement knockoffs at best.

What’s more I am beginning to question whether Emma Roberts can act or whether she simply gets roles because of who her aunt is. We have all seen and enjoyed Wild Child, Adult World and American Horror Story but outside of those productions Roberts seems to be phoning it in, unable to communicate any kind of emotion at all in any of her performances.

The mystery here isn’t a mystery if you have ever watched a horror film or a thriller before, it is just mind-numbingly obvious.

Overall, Roberts is slumming it for an easy pay check.

Pros.

It is watchable, it is not offensively bad.

Cons.

Roberts is awful

The mystery is entirely predictable

You have seen this film before

It is not scary or thrilling

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The Man From Toronto: Don’t Mistake This Film For A Better One

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A chap, played by Kevin Hart, out for a nice romantic getaway with his significant other, played by Jasmine Matthews, becomes wrapped up in a world of hitmen when he falls prey to a case of mistaken identity.

This movie is a turd, but make no mistake it is not Kevin Hart’s fault. If it were not for Hart this film would get a lot lower, and I mean a lot. Hart does provide the film with a number of laughs and makes getting through it slightly less excruciating and for that I thank him.

That aside, this is why Netflix is in hot water, yet another stupid pointless action film that does nothing new and thinks that by just throwing famous faces into whacky situations it makes a film good; it takes far more than that. The whole premise of this film is incredibly familiar, but it is not even as though Netflix is ripping off other better action films, no, it feels like Netflix are ripping off their own back catalogue. Moreover, the idea of the soft guy teaming up with the tough guy, here played by a very much phoning it in Woody Harrelson, is more than a little stale at this point. Really this film is peak generic, that is probably the best and most succinct way to describe it .

Overall, yet more terrible Netflix fare slightly elevated by Kevin Hart

Pros.

Hart

It is watchable

Cons.

It is generic

It has been done better before

It is Netflix plagiarising themselves

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Mothering Sunday: Prepare To Be Depressed

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Set in a post WWI Britain this film tells the tale of Jane, played by Odessa Young, a maid who falls in love with a wealthy man, played by Josh O’ Connor.

This film was fairly bleak across the board. With the amount of death and heartbreak in it one questions whether this is even a romance film, or whether it is simply a drama about the impacts of post war trauma and gilded cages. I was so depressed by the end of this film that I had to watch something happy and upbeat almost straight away, be warned.

Moreover, the film has a needless amount of nudity throughout. This goes in both directions and feels as though it has just been stuffed in to give a shock to the older market that would usually come out for this sort of fare. Rather than feeling daring, or perhaps subversive, this instead feels incredibly try hardy.

For positives I would say that this film is certainly watchable, Colin Firth and Olivia Colman both give strong performances even if they are only featured infrequently. However, The leads seem far too detached for most of the film, which makes it hard to care about either of them, or even the film itself at times.

Overall, I am curious who this was made for?

Pros.

It is watchable and Firth and Colman give good performances

Cons.

The excessive amount of nudity

It is depressing

It is hard to care about any of the characters

It is terribly paced

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Good Luck To You, Leo Grande: A Sexual Prime Is Never Over

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After the death of her husband a woman, played by Emma Thompson, grapples with rediscovering her sexuality.

I think this film is a marvel. Not least for what it does in terms of pushing age boundaries in Hollywood and reconstructing the idea of a nude scene, but also because it is so earnest and tender.

For the most part the film is a series of conversations in a room between Thompson and a male prostitute, played by Daryl McCormack, who she hires. This could easily have become very boring and drawn out however, the film does a great job of exploring these characters and allowing us to see further and further past their carefully crafted masks as the film progress.

Furthermore, I thought the conversations between the two often became very heartfelt and insightful, not only reflecting the struggles of life but also the very notion of British repression. I thought the two actors had great chemistry together and the screen really came alive when they were interacting.

Overall, I thought it was a wonderfully thoughtful film.

Pros.

Thompson

McCormack

The writing and the insight

The feel good nature of the film

It made me smile frequently

Cons.

It certainly won’t be for everyone

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Crimes Of The Future: Where We Are All Heading

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

In a future where humans are evolving to eat plastic, a war is being fought over what makes someone human as well as notions around monstrosity.

Honestly this film will not be for a lot of people. I myself had a fair amount of issues with it such as: it was far too long, it sometimes came across as pretentious and smug and thought it was a bit more intelligent than it actually is, and of course there is a scene where you see a child’s penis. No scene in any film should show a nude child, just no.

However, despite that opening painting a rather damning picture, I don’t think this film is all bad and I do think that there are some trace amounts of greatness in here. In many ways this can be seen as a traditional Cronenberg film, or certainly as the director returning to his roots. The body horror aspects are all very inspired and well done and as such the film stands out in the modern horror landscape, however, there are a few times wherein the gore and the viscera became a little too much for me; what can I say I don’t like live surgery scenes and there are a lot of them here.

Moreover, I think the performances across the board were also terrific. This is highlighted with gusto by a very game Viggo Mortensen and a surprisingly unsettling Kristen Stewart. I think that the characters and world created are so intriguing that it allows the film to get away with some of its worse sins. I also really enjoyed the originality of the premise as I felt like I hadn’t seen this before.

Overall, very much a film made for a niche audience, but one you should experience for yourself all the same.

Pros.

The performances

The world

The premise

Cons.

It is too long and at times overly pretentious

Showing child nudity

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Jerry And Marge Go Large: Bryan Cranston Is The Ultimate Dad

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After retiring from this job Jerry Selbee, played by Bryan Cranston, and his wife Marge, played by Annette Bening, decide to take advantage of a mathematical flaw in their local lottery and win money to help the town to stay afloat.

This film is deeply forgettable. Clearly this film wants to be the feel good film to cheer us all up in these dark times, and that is admirable, however really it is just incredibly generic. I think the acting weight of Cranston and Bening really do help to pull it up, without them giving deeply earnest performances I would have scored this film lower, much lower.

I understand it is based on a true story so there is only so much they can do with creative license, but this film feels like about a hundred other all American films, where the nice humble small town Americans get rewarded. In many ways without even watching this film you can accurately predict where the plot is going and how things will end up.

Moreover, I have looked into the true story this film is based on and can’t see any mention to the entitled college kids who become the villains to these simple down to earth folks. The whole narrative is so cliched and laughably bad, I don’t know why the film needed to include it in the first place.

Overall, fine. Cranston and Bening do a hell of a lot of good work, without them this film would just be forgettable schlock.

Pros.

Bening

Cranston

It is watchable

Cons.

The evil college kids

It is incredibly cliched and generic

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