The Little Vampire: You Ain’t Never Seen A Cow Fly

Summary: Americans move to Scotland and find vampires.

This film hits on a very specific late 90s early 2000s sort of whimsy where it is both wholesome but has a soft edge to it. The film for the most part is a fun journey.

The macguffin and plot itself is a bit silly and you can’t concentrate too much on it or it starts to fall apart, this is definitely in the camp of a turn your brain off and watching something happy, kind of film.

Some of the characters, particularly the protagonists parents are quite unlikeable on a rewatch but that might just be how brashly American they are, which to a Dane, comes off as too loud and in your face.

Overall, a nice enough family film.

3.5/5

Pros.

Charm

Whimsy

The aesthetic

It’s fun

Cons.

The plot makes no sense

The pacing

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Hope: Avatar In South Korea

Summary: two films merge into a mess.

So the first part of this film when the townfolk where fighting the massive creature made sense, then more aliens showed up who couldn’t die, could speak and looked different to how the aliens had been shown at the start of the film.

The film has some fun moments and memorable lines but by and large it is on for too long and serious pacing issues.

You could skip the last third of the film and not miss anything, the ending sets up a sequel and is pretty weak.

Overall, a film that doesn’t know what it wants to be.

1.5/5

Pros.

A few good moments

Some good action

Cons.

It’s too long

It’s dull

It feels like two films mashed together

The ending

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Forbidden Fruits: One For The Tiktok Girlies

Summary: yet another flop chasing the blue haired crowd.

So where to begin with this one, shall we start with the fact the characters are insufferable and all have victim complexes viewing themselves as oppressed when they are living in a free country.

How about the films open misandry and hatred of men, at times even glorifying violence against them, we are talking about the hot coffee scene.

Or perhaps the fact that it feels like an intro to gender studies 101 class, with the film throwing out buzzword after acadmeic buzzword, understanding them about as much as a modern online activist.

Or maybe it’s the attacks at late stage capitalism, which again make no sense and show they don’t know what they are talking about. You wouldn’t be able to be shallow and materialistic like these girlies are without late stage capitalism.

Hateful, dull and painfully edgy.

0/5

The try hard edginess

You’ve seen it before

The identity politics

The whining

The hatred of men

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Resident Evil: Larping The Movie

Summary: a dude has a bit of a random time as he goes to Racoon City, hilarity ensues.

This film was not a Resident Evil film and had no business calling itself one, it was a bog standard virus zombie film with the Resident Evil name slapped on the side, there were no characters, no real references, nothing.

The humour starts out grating and gets worse, worse yet they often repeat jokes over and over to make it more irritating. The fact is they try and mimic gameplay elements without actually doing the most important thing this implies showing the character getting better and improving, this is yet another incompetent man film in full.

The director here much like with Weapons his previous film oddly can’t seem to make a horror film without inserting comedy to cut the tension.

Overall, who is this for, fans of the game won’t like it, normies won’t like it?

1.5/5

Pros.

It’s short

There’s a good monster in it

Cons.

The jokes don’t work

It isn’t a resident evil film

It doesn’t set anything up for later

The ending is depressing

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Victorian Psycho: A Little Too Real

Summary: a vicious serial killer moves to a house in England in order to be a governess and start over.

This was truly chilling, Maika Monroe may have given her best performance yet, there is something so chilling and sinister about her performance here that it will leave you disquieted.

The film lets itself down at times by trying to force in humour, and early sections feel like a Tim Burton film and that is not a good thing by any means.

The ending of the film works but you would hope that the film had either a deep meaning that addresses some of the more supernatural aspects of the story, or that she managed to get away in some capacity allowing for future exploration.

Overall, Monroe is at her best here.

3/5

Pros.

Monroe

It’s scary

The ending

Cons.

The awkward humour

The first act

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Sisters: The Bonds of Family

Summary: the plot follows a woman searching for her long lost sister in Venezuela.

Venezuela has been in the news a lot recently due to the fall of Maduro, however, within talks about the country’s future and increased US involvement there is a lot less said about the human cost.

This film’s beauty is in how it treats family as almost like a limb, it is vital for human growth and connection and is something that even when severed by geopolitics or distance can be reattached.

In exploring the shared culture of humanity and how we are all just seeking those like us, be they family or not, the film hits on something real.

You care deeply for the protagonist and her efforts to reconnect with her long lost sister and feel the emotional brutal cost of it, it is a very moving film.

Overall, a film that will make you think, cry and feel gladdened over the course of its runtime.

5/5

Pros.

It reflects our shared humanity

It highlights the importance of family

The subtextual themes

The journey itself

The ending

Cons

None

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Her Personal Hell: Let Nicholas Winding Refn Direct The Death Stranding Series

Summary: a bizarre cross between the Neon Demon, a video game and possibly Only God Forgives.

To be blunt this is one for the fans, if you haven’t watched a lot of NWF’s films you will likely feel lost and somewhat alienated by this film. If you have you will see a marriage between several of them as we stated in the summary.

For the abstract world of Refn outside of his Pusher films and Drive, this film is perhaps the most standard plot wise, the interpretive elements are turned down and more is spelt out.

The characters are strong, Sophie Thatcher fits well within the world and could prove to be as good a muse as Mads Mikkelsen or Ryan Gosling. Thatcher has to do a lot of heavy lifting and she pulls it off well.

There are a few outstanding questions around genre, is this a horror film, a thriller, an action film, somewhere in-between but that’s the beauty of the material.

Overall, a great film.

4.5/5

Pros.

The style

Thatcher

It’s a compelling narrative

The ending

The elements of Japanese mythology

Cons.

The pacing

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The Hole In The Ground: You’re Not My Son

Summary: a woman moves out to the countryside with her son whilst there she begins to suspect that he is not her son.

This film was depressing and played out. Even back in 2019 when this film came out we have seen so many films about the idea of changelings that the concept was already well covered, this did not do anything new.

There was a constant level of grey to the film as well that made it feel incredibly depressing and hard to watch. This was not just a colour saturation thing but a sort of environmental misery throughout the film that makes it hard to watch.

As for the scare factor there are moments where the film is more funny than scary though one would assume the film doesn’t want to be seen as such. There is a moment early into the film where this small child pushes a heavy wooden table across the room, to show he’s a changeling now, but it’s just so goofy that you can’t help but laugh.

Overall, slow, depressing and not scary.

1.5/5

Pros.

It’s short

Irish mythology

Cons.

It feels played out, there are other aspects of Irish mythology it could have focused on

It is depressing

It is not scary

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Carrie Series Overview: Butchering The Classics

Summary: we get the modern sanitised version of Carrie for the blue haired generation.

Maybe when people were saying Mike Flanagan was a new horror master they were getting too hasty. Looking at everything he’s done it’s been declining in quality, Hush (good ish), Hill House (definitely great), Bly Manor (Mixed), Midnight Mass (Bad), The Midnight Club (Bad), House of Usher (bad). Then you get to this.

Much has been made already in other reviews of how Carrie here is not bitter or angry at her bullying, she is instead played as incredibly good natured, as we can’t handle flawed characters anymore, which makes her shift to the dark side at the end feel weird and not right.

Moreover, as we can’t have bad characters anymore as that might offend someone, the bullies in the show are not made to be sympathetic and shown to have their own problems, making Carrie’s later actions seem even worse.

You also have the fact that most of the actual horror and violence has been removed for the most part and this feels like an additional season of I Feel Pretty set in the past.

Overall, that Exorcist remake/sequel/prequel is looking pretty dicey.

1/5

Pros.

It is interesting to see some of the wider Kingverse stuff in there

Cons.

It’s dull

It feels like a teen series

The characters are butchered

The ending

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Ring: The Original Evil Videotape

Summary: a cursed videotape is doing the rounds killings people.

In many ways this is very very similar to the American version, which shows just how much that film took from this.

This film is slightly better than the US remake in that it takes things slower and does need to be having a jump scare or overtly over the top moment every few minutes in order to try and maintain attention. The mystery itself is the central focus here.

Moreover, the ending is also better, with the moral ambiguity of the protagonist returning home to show her father the video tape to save her son, you get an added layer of character complexity.

Sadako is less overly frightening here and is more of a figure of pity, however that isn’t to say she doesn’t have some moments where she does become terrifying.

Overall, a slower pace makes for a more atmospheric horror film that some audiences may struggle with.

3/5

Pros.

The atmosphere

The mystery

The ending

Cons.

The pacing

Some needless characters

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