Moana (Live Action): Disney Doesn’t Respect You

Summary, a film that is barely 10 years old is repackaged to you by Disney as they think you’ll just buy anything.

This film is insulting, not in that it’s bad it’s incredibly mediocre, but in how cynical it is. This film was simply made to mine an IP there was no need for it and they didn’t change much about it, it was made as Disney thought kids would just watch anything. Gone are the days of Walt’s standards.

There is precious little to say about the film as they change very little about it, you’ve seen it all before as once again the film is barely 10 years old and most people can remember it. At times it feels like a parody of the original film but you realise it is played too serious for that, a parody would have been better.

Overall, if your kid like Moana just put the original on.

2/5

Pros.

The adventure is still the same

The songs are still mostly the same

Cons.

It doesn’t need to exist

It does nothing new

It is the worst version

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Minions and Monsters: The True Story Behind Hollywood’s Golden Age

Summary: a minion with a dream sets out to make it big.

In many ways this film is good, it is funny, has heart and does a lot to show the good that can come from chasing your dreams. The monsters have their moments though it may have been more fun to have had the Minions go through a parade of different big bosses only to mess up and have to move on.

Part of where the film struggles is that it tries to juggle too many plots, you have the filmmaking storyline, you have the goal of the monsters, you have Dort and his love interest, and you have the meta narrative in both the sense of the tour guide telling the story as well as meta references to Minions and Monsters as a real film. There is a lot going on and it can sometimes feel like the film is jumping from one thing to the other a bit too much.

Zoey Deutch voices Dorts love interest, who is a suffragette type figure fighting for women to have the vote. When we first saw this we thought here we go, but no that is all quickly left behind as she becomes interested in Dort and instead cheers him on through his journey as he is trying to save all the world. It was a nice subversion of the modern preachy message.

Overall, another good film in the franchise but one that is narratively weak at times.

4/5

Pros.

The subversion

It’s funny

The characters are likeable

It’s well paced in terms of keeping your interest

Cons.

The tries to do too much and is overly complicated at times

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Enola Holmes 3: The Filler/Botox Queen Returns

Summary: Because Sherlock Holmes is a silly man rather than a genius detective he goes missing and it’s down to Enola to find him.

Right from the off you have the cheapening of male characters to try and raise up the female ones. Moriarty Sherlock’s legendary foe doesn’t even care about Sherlock the whole point of capturing him was to lure out Enola. They couldn’t have given her, her own nemesis they had to take Sherlock’s, they also had to gender flip him. The question remains if you were going to gender flip the character why not just have a new character.

Then you have the fact that Milly Bobby Brown’s face is noticeably off, there has been much made of her acting in the last season Stranger Things when she could barely move her face. Here it is less severe however, they really need to cast someone else. It is a shame someone so young felt the need to do that to themselves.

There are irritating modern dayisms a-plenty they have the film set during the British “occupation of Malta” and show Maltese freedom fighters as the good guys. In historical reality Malta liked the UK and wanted to become a formal part of it like Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and voted for it in a referendum. When this became too costly Malta set out for independence, this was not at armed struggle but rather a fairly bureaucratic process. The film goes oh colonialism bad, whilst getting most of the history wrong. Of course they say that Britain stole a bunch of antiques from Afghanistan of all places, and of course Enola and co make sure Afghanistan gets it’s antiques back and the evil British go to prison. It’s so whiny and on the nose that it makes you think the film thinks you have a mental age of 2. The love interest character is so upset by the stealing of these artefacts done by his father, not him, that he renounces his landed title and seat in the House of Lords, a not at all hysterical reaction and one you could imagine from the short of folks to lie down in roads and block the streets.

Of course Sherlock is against Enola’s marriage as it will reduce her “independence”, what year is it, is this the 1990s. Even within feminist circles views on marriage have softened, a woman can get married and still be independent the idea it removes all independent hasn’t been seriously considered in decades, it’s 2026. Sherlock is forced to apologise for his anti marriage views, and Enola of course refuses to take her husband’s last name although it would have been standard practice in that time period.

Netflix is one again forcing it’s anti-traditionist, critical race theory, alternative history down the audience through in order to appease a small group of people online.

Overall, cancel your Netflix subscription.

0.5/5

Pros.

Some unintentional humour

Cons.

Milly can’t act

The message is hamfisted and incredibly on the nose

It reduces Sherlock as a character

It doesn’t need to exist

It’s badly paced

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Cinema Issues: Gender, Sexuality and Modern Pixar

For anyone watching Toy Story 5 it becomes clear from the off that there is something insidious under the surface. This is the entire subversion of gender roles. Now this has been explained away by staff as “how little girls play” however this was clearly a deliberate creative choice. Kenna Harris even admitted there were other versions of the play sequences yet they went with the ones they did.

Remember after a string of recent flops Pete Doctor said that the studio would get back to making films for everyone, it sure doesn’t feel like it.

When looking at Toy Story 5 and asking question why did it do that, you only need look at the creative team. Harris was the co director, she has never directed anything major for Pixar before, she was brought in with veteran Andrew Stanton. She is also a woman who views herself as being non binary, showing that to the core of her identity is disputed ideas around gender. One cannot jump to blaming her immediately as Stanton and the wider team at Pixar would have had to sign off on the charges to the characters.

This feels like a continuation of a studio that has one thing one the mind, remember when they forced in a same sex kiss into Lightyear, or when Pixar staff were upset as had to remove the larger LGBTQ+ themes from Elio. Clearly they want to push gender stuff and LGBTQ themes though their kids films, which is dicey.

To answer the Elephant in the room about what they did in Toy Story 5, we can answer in 3 parts.

Jessie- is now far more masculine and aggressive, during the romance scenes with Buzz she is mostly disinterested and focused on her anti tech crusade, she isn’t shown as having any softness bar once.

Woody- as the former male leader character is humiliated, no one respects him, he has to fight with buzz about who get the number 2 position under Jessie. In his interpersonal relationship with Bo he is shown to also be dominated.

Buzz- arguably the most notable case. Buzz was hyper masculine in previous films as he was a space ranger action hero toy. Now he is bumbling, seemingly unable to do anything without Jessie, he gives another male voiced toy the kiss of life at the start of the film. Then you have the wedding sequence at the end of the film, after the proposal Buzz’s leg twists up as is traditionally feminine, Buzz is given away as is what happens to women, Buzz gets the ring put on him first (again women), and Buzz is dipped for the kiss (again submissive). Then you have the fact he’s wearing a skirt, people scream oh it’s a kilt, it’s funny isn’t it we don’t remember Buzz being Scottish before this film. They knew they would get a backlash to him wearing a skirt so added in this cop out.

Not only is it character vandalism, but also one has to ask why are they doing this. Why are they trying to destroy traditional masculine elements and traditional feminine aspects within a film aimed at kids. What the film presents you with is a world wherein men act like women and women act like men, can you see the message there.

Pixar as a studio has made it’s bones very clear about what it wants to do, and why and if this sort of stuff bothers you, you shouldn’t be watching their films. It shows how deeply out of touch Hollywood is from reality

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Toy Story 5: Let It Die

Summary: Pixar continues to run a beloved IP into the ground.

Lets stop the story and do an incredibly boomer moment of kids being on screens are bad huh, every grandparent in the room just let out a cheer, whereas everyone under the age of 50 says shut up. Of course the villain is sympathetic as the days of having evil villains are long gone, we all just need to be more empathetic and listen to each other.

Jessie has to get a backstory, because God knows audiences were crying out for that, but hey what would a Disney product be without a girlboss. Herein, they do the incredibly cringe Taylor Swift song to try and get the Swifties to care about a franchise that hasn’t been relevant in 15 years. Of course in order to give Jessie her moment Woody had to be humiliated, gaining a beer belly and a bald ‘sun bleached’ spot.

The most depressing thing of all is how this is just a franchise that should have had the life support out pulled ages ago but Disney is too scared of new ideas. We get these needless retreads and time with side characters that no one ever asked for.

Overall, Disney as a company is creatively bankrupt.

1/5

Pros.

One or two funny jokes

Cons.

It’s needless

The screen commentary is tiresome

We don’t need a Jessie backstory

Girlboss slop

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Vivo: Yet More Woke Slop For Kids

Summary: an old musician plays one last song.

So Lin Manuel-Miranda is the most overrated character in the film industry in the last 20 years. His music is always just the same.

He here plays a kid that tries to stop his Grand Uncle from being happy as he likes his life in poverty and would rather his uncle be miserable in order for him to be happy, just like most spoilt brats.

Of course Vivo doesn’t fit in and is an outsider and shows all the hallmarks of every other progressive woke character you have seen in the last decade.

The film fixates on the Afro-Latino community as they are a massive audience for your film and feels very much as though it doesn’t want none members watching it.

Overall, what were Sony Pictures Animation doing with this.

1/5

Pros.

One good song

Cons

Pacing issues

Ugly animation

It’s boring

It just feels forced

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Cinema Issues: What Happened To Kids Movies

In this Cinema Issues article we are talking about the recent spate of soulless kids movies. This isn’t about any one film or even one studio but a broader issue.

There are still some kids films that manage to bring heart into their films, and that manage to feel deep rather than shallow and without personality but by and large this is an exception to the rule.

Kids films used to have substance to them and be more than just references and loud noises, they would stick to universal themes and not try and force in left wing activism, they would have stuff for adults as well as kids, rather than seemingly pitching stories that only adults would get.

It feels as though a lot of these films aren’t even aimed at kids anymore, for example Hoppers had a plot about environmental activism and a mechanism around body hopping kids wouldn’t understand that. These films market with the idea of oh look small animals to appeal to kids but when the film starts there is far more too it that just goes over the kids head.

As we’ve said time and again, almost all of these things can be traced back to two things. One due to the rise of short form content a lot of these films think they don’t have to work on good narratives and can instead just throw quick moments or scenes together to keep child engagement. Alternatively, you have the fact that the goal with a lot of films, not just kids films, for a long time has been to push politics not to actually entertain. There is the idea that if you push progressive content into kids films it’s will get them to normalise these ideas and embrace them as they age. This isn’t true and is pretty creepy to begin with.

If you have kids honestly these days the better bet is to get a steaming service and put on animated films of yore, back when they had to try and back before they needed to shove left wing messaging into everything.

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The Magic Faraway Tree: The Most Unlikable Character Ever Put To Film

So when they announced an adaptation of The Magic Far Away Tree, the hunt began to search for the modern audience slop. You knew it would be there, and whilst there is some race swapping for the most part you’d argue it is mostly free of it. That’s a win.

The film for the most part is fun and family friendly, they waste Rebecca Ferguson as the villain but other than that the film is escapist family fun.

However, there is one person who ruins the film and every scene she is in, and that is the eldest daughter who is just horrible. The way she speaks to people and her entitled attitude are often so bad that you think the film is trying to show her off as the villain, she also causes two of the major negative events in the film out of her own selfishness. She is the proto typical, I am offended type and feels like she would be out marching on a weekend. Even at the end of the film when she has supposedly learnt her lesson she hasn’t really she’s still similar.

Overall, a fun film that could have been better if they had not written the eldest child to be a terrible human being.

3/5

Pros

It’s fun

It’s well paced

It manages whimsy well

Cons.

The eldest child is awful

They waste Rebecca Ferguson

Nintendo Nostalgia List: Super Mario Galaxy Movie.

This piece will be a little different from some of our other fare, it will be a list in essence of the various other Nintendo franchises referenced in Super Mario Galaxy Movie. So that we can discuss where Nintendo might go with it’s shared universe next.

The most prominent one and the one that they announced before the film was even out was Fox from Star Fox, unlike a lot of the others he plays a role in the third act of the film and could be viewed as a supporting character. It seems a little odd for them to feature Fox so prominently despite the fact they haven’t made a Star Fox game since the Wii U era, but who knows rumour has it, this might be setting up a new game announcement and or a spin off film. This would jive also with the fact that they introduced the rest of team Star Fox as well.

The Pikmin also appear during the same hub based sequence that gives us Fox, however they have far less to do and are more or a background cameo you can see them spill out of a craft of their own. These creatures from Nintendo’s series of puzzle/real time strategy games could see a film of their own down the line or perhaps an animated TV show.

Mr Game and Watch is a call back to the 80s era for Nintendo and could be called the deepest cut of the film. He is created by Luigi during the third act of the film using Bowser Jr’s magic paintbrush and defends the Mario Brothers and Yoshi.

R.O.B is again a call back to an accessory from back in the day and is probably the most obscure reference over all.

A final point we wanted to touch on, but this might be slightly off base as we aren’t seeing other people talk about it. The magical paintbrush that Bowser Jr has and how it uses paint as a weapon, which looks very similar to the video game Splatoon in which paint is used in various ways. This could be a reference to Splatoon existing within the Nintendo verse as there is no clear indication as to where Bowser Jr got it from.

There is the list, we tried to do something a bit different and focus it only on other Nintendo properties, rather than listing the various Mario characters cameos. Let us know if we missed anyone out.

Super Mario Galaxy Movie: Nostalgia Missing A Soul

Summary, the Mario Brothers are threatened by the arrival of Bowser Jr who has set out to find his father after the events of the first film.

So on the press tour for this film Charlie Day was asked who his Luigi from recent American History was and said the murder who shot the CEO in an act of left wing defiance. This was pretty breaking at the time of writing this review, and sadly it does impact enjoyment of the film, as Luigi was a highlight before this incredibly poorly thought through statement.

The film itself is good and perfectly serviceable, and more of the same if you or your kids liked the first film you will like this, however, where this film is let down from the first is that it doesn’t have the same emotional core. The first film had Mario’s feelings of insecurity, Bowser’s love of Peach and even the depressed Luma to give the film stakes this one really doesn’t have that. You have the father son stuff with Bowser and his son, and the sisterhood storyline between Peach and Rosalita, but neither of these hit the same depth of feeling as the stuff from the first film. It was nice to see Mario and Peach as a couple get teased out more, this is an important part of the games that the first film did not spend enough time with. One assumed that that Mario asking Peach out would be one of the post credits scenes of the film but it wasn’t.

The adventure is interesting you see a lot of the galaxy and a lot of new things, this is mainly a chance to set up new films or to promote different IPs, obviously a film cannot spend the same amount of time with a universe as a game, but it does feel like in each of these cases it is just window dressing it is like look its Star Fox, or oh look its Daisy rather than having the world’s feel lived in or the characters seem like they matter. For example if they had replaced Star Fox with a different Nintendo character would it really have mattered at all, not really. That’s the problem in a nutshell. Nowhere is this truer than with Yoshi, not only do they have Yoshi be out and about in the over world without anyone thinking it was weird, but also all the character’s function is to follow Mario around and act like one of the minions characters. The fact is if you were to play one of the Yoshi games you would see the character has a lot more personality than he was given in the film.

The music was a lot better this time around, it was more classic game music rather than horribly forced in pop music, and the end credits that showed scenes from the film in puppet form was a lot of fun so it gets bonus points for those things.

Overall, it is serviceable and fun to a degree but there is a hollowness to it.

3/5

Pros.

Mario and Peach

The Music and Puppet Show

The scope of the film

Cons.

It has a lot of new characters but they don’t need to be there and it just feels like a shop window

The emotional core of the film is not enough

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