The Starling: A Favourite Film Of Guantanamo Bay

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple cope after the sudden death of their child.

Boy this film was badly on quite a number of different levels. However, I think one of the roots causes of this film being awful was the casting of Melissa McCarthy. Some people would argue that like Adam Sandler that McCarthy cam be good in the odd dramatic role here and there, the same people would point to her performance in Can You Ever Forgive Me? However, I would argue that her performance in that film was nothing more than a fluke, and that by and large she is only capable of giving one kind of performance loud and obnoxious, and that is true in whatever film she is in comedic or dramatic. It certainly is true here.

It has to be said though that the failings of this film cannot be entirely blamed on McCarthy, as the script is also frequently terrible, being not only overly sentimental but also incredibly tonally off at times. There is a scene in this film wherein the message seems to be that it is okay to be angry at suicidal people for being that way which sends a hell of a bad message even if that is not how the writer intended it to come across.

Overall, the film is incredibly generic, it is the very definition of the kind of trash we have collectively come to expect from a Netflix original over the years.

Pros.

Timothy Olyphant is always great and a welcome presences

Cons.

McCarthy

It is very generic

It has a bad message

The tone is all wrong

It borders over-sentimentality

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The Warriors: Shirtless Street Gangs

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A street gang from Staten Island must get back home after a get together of all the New York gangs goes awry and they become hunted.

To many this is a classic cult film and whilst this didn’t hit me in the same way something like Battle Royale did in that regard, I did find a lot to like about this film.

To get the negatives out of the way first I didn’t like the pacing off this film, it felt far longer than it actually and does drag in places. Moreover, the performances are a deeply mixed bag some of them are good but some are laughably bad, to the point where there is no way you can imagine them as gang members.

In terms of what I enjoyed, I liked the style of the film I thought it was very distinctive and had almost an apocalyptic feel to it that I thought worked really well. Furthermore, I also thought the film communicated great threat during its runtime, as such you were worried for the fate of the characters as danger seemed to lurk around every corner.

Overall, not perfect but very much a snap shot of a point in time.

Pros.

The style

The ending

The threat

Cons.

The pacing

Some of the performances were quite bad

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Lightyear: Back In The 90s This Would Have Been A Good Idea

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The film that inspired Andy to buy Buzz in Toy Story.

I think this film makes a pretty clear cut argument for how Disney has slowly corrupted and ruined Pixar, forcing the studio to make sequels, prequels and spin-offs that don’t need to exist and to sacrifice their heart and soul in doing it.

I am not going to say this film is awful and needless all the way through because that isn’t true, it does have good moments here and there, but by and large the biggest issue here is that this film never justifies its existence.

I thought the writing was exceptionally weak, which is a shock coming from Pixar. This can be seen with lazy storytelling choices such as having the important crystal be destroyed but then moments later they just have a new one and can go back out into space, with no mention as to how that is. Moreover, the character journey of Buzz having to learn to trust other people and then having an older version of him be the villain of the piece just feels insultingly obvious and on the nose. I understand that this film is for kids so it is not going to have the best writing, but come on this is just so lazy.

Chris Evans is fairly fine as Buzz Lightyear, you forget it is him after a while and the difference between his voice and Tim Allen’s become less noticeable over time.

Overall, fairly meh. Nothing special.

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a few sweet moments

It is fairly short

Cons.

It doesn’t justify its existence

The writing is poor

It is very forgettable

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It’s A Wonderful Afterlife: Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past Got Real

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A mother, played by Shabana Azmi, becomes so obsessed with who her daughter, played by Goldy Notay, is going to marry that she starts killing people who she views as getting in the way or to have slighted her daughter. Sadly for her these people later come back as ghosts that haunt her every waking moment.

I thought this film had a lot of charm, is it the best film ever? No. However, there is more than enough to enjoy here. I liked the spin this film put on the idea of the traditional mother worried about daughter being single storyline and thought the added horror comedy elements really helped to bring it all together in a strong way.

I thought a lot of the jokes landed and I found myself laughing a fair bit throughout, I thought Sally Hawkins’ best friend character had all the best lines, though maybe some would say these days there was an element of cultural appropriation within her character.

My main issue with this film is as it so often is the pace of the film. I thought the film was overly long and had too many needless asides and sub-plots, it could have been a lot better if it had been half an hour shorter is what I would say.

Overall, above average though not quite up to the level of Gurinder Chadha’s later work Blinded By The Light though few films are.

Pros.

It is a lot of fun

The performances are good

Sally Hawkins

Cons.

It is too long

A few of the jokes don’t age well

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Jurassic World Dominion: This Is What Killed The Dinosaurs

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another shady biotech company is causing trouble for the world and all the leads of the Jurassic series must rise up and stand together to stop them.

It wasn’t so much that this film was bad just totally unneeded.

It was fun seeing the old cast again but the film never really gave them an interesting or compelling reason to be there. When pondering why they have returned to the series the answers given are not because the plot needed them, as the giant locus could have been defeated by the newer cast, no the clear answer is they were just brought back for the sake of nostalgia.

I thought this film would focus far more on how the dinosaurs have now been let lose on the world but really that gets swiped under the rug fairly early on, yes we see the odd dinosaur attack here and there but the locus plot seems to be all that the film focuses on. This is obviously disappointing.

Also seeing yet another evil biotech company just makes one roll their eyes as hasn’t the series had enough of that old chestnut? The biotech baddies even build a park esque location to house the dinosaurs which comes under attack towards the end of the film meaning we came dangerously close to the double cliché of having the dinosaurs once again escape into the world.

I am not saying this film is entirely bad there are a few good scenes and I think Jeff Goldblum, DeWanda Wise and Bryce Dallas Howard do manage to salvage the film to a degree, but there are just too many issues with this film. An example of one you would think easy to fix is the incredibly poor CGI when Claire, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, is ejected from the plane: it makes bad Youtube greenscreen work look good.

Overall, the franchise goes out on a meh.

Pros.

Goldblum, Howard and Wise

A few fun moments

Cons.

It feels cliched

The bad CGI

The boring locus plotline

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Dashcam: Triggering Libs And Running From Demons

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Annie Hardy, played by Annie Hardy, live streams her travels to England wherein she comes into some demonic trouble after pretending to be a food delivery driver.

I had been excited for this film for some time, then I read that some cinemas in the UK were banning screenings of this film as it was so offensive, naturally this made me want to see it more even though it proved to most likely just be a marketing tool, and now after seeing it I would say it mostly lived up to my expectations.

I don’t think this film is a homerun in the same way Host was, I think there is a lot to like for sure but it is not without its issues. My main issue with the film was the fact that the shaky cam got a bit too much at times with it going here there and everything to the point that it was hard to see what was going on. Moreover, the film is further made hard to follow by the fact that it never gives concreate answers to anything that is happening and you don’t know what is going on a lot of the time.

That said, I do think this film is scary and has a number of good scenes that stick with you after watching. The abandoned world of night time England made for a refreshing setting and also somewhat of a novelty.

Hardy’s lead is supposed to be unlikeable, I would assume, to give you mixed feelings as she comes into trouble. On the one hand you want to see the monsters get her but then again you also sympathise. I think there is some commentary trying to be communicated through that depiction within the film but it is not strong enough that I could tell you what it is.

Overall, a strong and refreshing horror film only held back by too much shaky cam and a lack of concreate answers.

Pros.

Strong scares

A novel and refreshing setting

The tension

The ending

Cons.

Too much shaky cam

It is never clear what is going on

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Bob’s Burgers The Movie: A Cinema Worthy Event?

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Belcher family gets wrapped up in a murder investigation.

I am a big Bob’s Burgers fan and have watched the series all the way through many times over, as such when I heard about the show getting the movie treatment I was excited and thought it would be a significant event like The Simpsons Movie was. However, upon seeing it I am left feeling mixed.

My major issue with this film is that it didn’t feel like anything special to me. Unlike the previously mentioned Simpsons Movie it didn’t up the scale or do something that couldn’t be done on the small screen. The premise for this film could have worked well as a two or three part episode maybe, but for the series first film I just felt it was underwhelming.

On a more positive note, something I did enjoy about this film was how it gave us a deeper look into the series lore and we were given more information about some of the series big mysteries, such as how Louise, voiced by Kristen Schaal, came by her bunny ears. I also thought it was a nice touch to finally pay off the Tina, voiced by Dan Mintz, Jimmy Jr, voiced by H. Jon Benjamin romance that has run the course of the series. I hope these both play into the series going forward and aren’t just ignore for the sake of maintaining the shows status quo.

Overall, a fun time but maybe lower your expectations going in.

Pros.

It is fun

It develops the series lore

It pays off one of the shows central romances

Cons.

It doesn’t feel special or like anything that couldn’t have been done on TV

The humour feels weaker

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Scottish Mussel: A Vanity Project That Backfires

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ritchie, played by Martin Compston, is a Glaswegian criminal who decides to become a pearl thief, the film follows him in that pursuit.

This film is a vanity project plain and simple. Tallulah Riley writes, produces, directs and stars in this film in which she tries to convey an anti-poaching message that she believes to be important, sounds admirable right? Well… there are also copious scenes wherein Riley strips down into a small bikini to go and dive into Scottish streams, a task which would in real life be damn near suicidal, these scenes feel very drawn out and would under a male director feel almost pervy, whereas with Riley the question has to be why did she frame herself in this way? Was she trying to show off? Advance her modelling career? Provide a cheap thrill? Whichever, the scenes feel uncomfortable to watch.

Worse still this film is the opposite of an advert for Riley as an actor with her remaining stiff as a board throughout, only seemingly being capable of maybe one facial expression during the whole runtime of the film. Money well spent.

The only reason this film doesn’t get lower is that it is very aggressively average and by the numbers but isn’t necessarily bad. The uncomfortable scenes to one side I found the film to at least be watchable and mindless.

Overall, Riley burns money in a vanity project that doesn’t actually make her look good.

Pros.

It is mindless

It is watchable

Cons.

It highlights Riley’s ego

Riley doesn’t give a convincing lead performance

The film as a whole is trite and entirely predictable

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The Queen’s Corgi: Not Suitable For Kids

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Queen’s priced corgi Rex, voiced by Jack Whitehall, goes missing and must find his way back to the Palace.

In many ways this is not a film for kids. There are a lot of adult jokes and references that kids just won’t understand. Whilst I do enjoy this films lambasting of Trump, I think more broadly that this films comedy should have been toned down. For lack of a better terms these anthropopathic dogs are horny and make constant sex jokes which feels uncomfortable at times. Couple this with a sequence in which Rex is being hunted down by Trump’s female dog in order for the two of them to breed, which Rex, does not want, and is somewhat assaulted and you can see there is a lot of bad taste issues here.

The film as a whole is fairly by the numbers, it is a plot that you have seen many times before with cliched characters that you will have met many times over the years especially if you watch a lot of animated films. I would say that this film approaches so bad it is good range, but doesn’t quite get there as the bad taste stuff holds it back rather than adding any sort of charm to it. Ultimately you are left questioning the screen-play writer.

Overall, a strange film that most certainly isn’t for children.

Pros.

The Trump parody

The Queen and Prince Phillips relationship

Cons.

The sex jokes

The icky and troublesome sequence with Trump’s dog

It is aggressively by the numbers

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Black Ball: It Is Hard To Like A Cheater

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The bad boy of British bowls is born.

This film is almost entirely devoid of any charm. The whole premise feels as though it has been done before many times over, and nothing new is done here. The cast are almost entirely without any warmth or charm and you spend your time wondering asking which character you dislike the most.

My biggest question is why did they book Vince Vaughn for this? And also why did Vince Vaughn want to do this project? I don’t have answers for either of these questions but I spent a large portion of the film being baffled by his involvement.

Usually I would never have a bad word to say about Paul Kaye, but here is a rare exception. Kaye is not a good leading man and even when he wins in the end and it is supposed to be a happy ending you still find it hard to like him, due in no small part to the fact that the team win by cheating.

Overall, a waste of time and money, with a few funny moments that make it slightly more bearable

Pros.

A few funny moments

Vince Vaughn always gets a point from me

Cons.

Kaye

Almost everyone is unlikeable

The film doesn’t need to exist

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