The Mummy: Half Dead But Half Decent

Summary: a young girl is kidnapped and mummified.

Blumhouse making a mummy film didn’t fill anyone with confidence but this film is not entirely bad. Where it focuses specifically on Egyptian themed horror it works well. There is some genuine promise here.

Then they make it every possession film ever made, and parody the Evil Dead with large portions of the family getting possessed and acting like Deadites. Look at what Lee Cronin’s last film was.

Any promise it had went out of the window when they started saying the little girl was possessed by an ancient demon. How many times do we have to see the same thing play out.

The film goes almost exactly as you would expect it to then ends.

Overall, it ruins its promise.

3/5

The early parts of the film have real promise

The Egypt stuff is really cool

May Calamamawy is great

Cons.

The demon stuff makes it generic

It is predictable

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Amelie: Too French For It’s Own Good

Summary a fantasist decided to meddle in other people’s lives.

There was a horribly uncanny experience to this film, wherein things seemed just a bit too off kilter. This was contrasted by the social realist elements which were equally as distressing.

At times you thought the film might be trying to be quirky, in the same way say the films of Wes Anderson are but there was just too much oddness for that.

Moreover, if you have been reading our review for a while you’ll know our views on sexualising the disabled. Most of the people in this film could be classed as learning disabled based on how they act, yet the film constantly puts them in sexual situations. For example Amelie herself who seems to be child like in many ways, is shown having sex and just mindlessly smiling off to the side vacantly at the start of the film, she then visits a sex shop looking for someone and seems uncomfortable. Follow that up with how a random man in a skeleton costume blows on her neck and fondles her and this is supposed to be fine, again she didn’t ask for it, but she later says she liked it. It’s uncomfortable viewing.

Overall, a film best forgotten about in the past

1/5

Pros

A few funny moments

Cons.

Sexualising the mentally disabled

The uncanny elements

The social realism

It’s uncomfortable viewing

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California Schemin: James McAvoy’s Most Depressing Film?

Remember McAvoy has a great film called Filth wherein he kills himself right as he has a chance for happiness and it’s too late to save him. Remember that when I tell you this is more depressing.

It is harrowing to see how much these people are disregarded for being from Scotland and how much they hate their lives in Scotland. As the duo gain fame whilst pretending to be American the film does the standard biopic trend of having them lose their way due to drink and drugs. We then see the band breakup and one of the two boys try and kill themselves. Like I said a positive and happy times this is not.

McAvoy steals the scenes he’s in and is a force of nature giving off a Scottish Vinnie Jones type of vibe. As a director he does a component job and manages the pace of the film well, you can see shades of Boyle and later Loach in his style.

Overall, whilst not an enjoyable film due to the subject matter, it is a well made film.

2.5/5

Pros.

The camera work and overall style of the film

The pace

It shines a life on non glamorised Scotland

Cons.

It is depressing

It recycles musical biopic tropes

James Corden

City of the Dead: Witches In Americas Foggiest Small Town

This film has a keen sense of style, it’s gothic aesthetic particularly the town of Whitewood are quite memorable particularly when compared to modern films.

The witch lore is fairly standard stuff but everyone is having enough fun and being silly with it so it feels hammy in a good way.

The main criticism of the film would be that the “good” characters, are actually quite horrible. The brother and boyfriend who both go after the lead to try and help her out treat her like she’s not a person and so it is hard to root for them during the film’s third act.

Overall, fun but let down my poor protagonists.

3/5.

Pros.

The aesthetic

The horror

The hamminess

Cons.

The heroes are not heroes

It is too short

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Undertone: A24 doing A24

Summary: a podcaster starts experiencing the demonic.

When A24 first started out they were a breath of fresh air and prepared to take chances, this shows that even the freshest air can quickly turn stale. Not only does this film borrow heavily from other demonic possession films it also has a lot of A24isms.

If you wanted to make a drinking game out of it, you’d say random shots of different things with symbolism, a young diverse protagonist, and the idea of depth without actually giving any. Quickly Neon is taking over the horror game. If you have ever watched a horror film before you’ll know exactly where this is going from the start.

A confusing moment was that it was demon who was causing all of the protagonist trouble over the course of the film, yet the film kept trying to imply it was the mother of the lead who was the malevolent force. She would be used for a number of the behind you sort of scares, but at the end of the day she wasn’t evil at all.

Overall, fairly generic art house fare.

2.5/5

Pros.

The use of backwards lyrics to children’s songs was an interesting idea

A few good scares

The pacing

Cons.

You’ve seen it before

A number of the scares don’t land and feel incredibly oblivious

The performances aren’t good

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You Me And Tuscany: The Segregated Rom-Com

In the marketing before this film came out, they said it was important it did well in order to see more “black rom-coms”. Why do films have to be based on race? You never heard anyone talk about white rom-coms. They could have just said the future of rom-coms depends on this film instead but no, they made it segregationist, this is a black film made for a black audience, as they have vocalised.

If you aren’t part of that group you feel that going into the film. Whilst the film plays like a fairly genic rom-com of old, that isn’t very funny, you can’t shake the feeling that you have just seen it all before.

Halle Bailey may be a good singer, we can’t confirm that, but her foray into acting can be described as wooden at best, when comparing her in the Little Mermaid and then here this woodness becomes a staple and not one a one off performance.

Overall, if you felt like Anyone But You was too “white” and you can only watch a film starring people who look like you then this film might be for you. However, if you’re a normal well adjusted person then you’ll just find this a forgettable rom-com.

1/5.

Pros.

Its short

Cons.

You get the strong feeling it isn’t for you

It’s generic

Halle Bailey can’t act

It’s boring

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The Magic Faraway Tree: The Most Unlikable Character Ever Put To Film

So when they announced an adaptation of The Magic Far Away Tree, the hunt began to search for the modern audience slop. You knew it would be there, and whilst there is some race swapping for the most part you’d argue it is mostly free of it. That’s a win.

The film for the most part is fun and family friendly, they waste Rebecca Ferguson as the villain but other than that the film is escapist family fun.

However, there is one person who ruins the film and every scene she is in, and that is the eldest daughter who is just horrible. The way she speaks to people and her entitled attitude are often so bad that you think the film is trying to show her off as the villain, she also causes two of the major negative events in the film out of her own selfishness. She is the proto typical, I am offended type and feels like she would be out marching on a weekend. Even at the end of the film when she has supposedly learnt her lesson she hasn’t really she’s still similar.

Overall, a fun film that could have been better if they had not written the eldest child to be a terrible human being.

3/5

Pros

It’s fun

It’s well paced

It manages whimsy well

Cons.

The eldest child is awful

They waste Rebecca Ferguson

Splitizville: Hollywood Needs More Church

A woman leaves a man because he won’t have sex with her whilst driving, he then has sex with his best friends wife, she then gets into another guy, and it all ends with the the original woman getting back with the man whilst carrying someone else’s baby.

Catch all that, yes that’s the plot of “comedy film” splitizville, where being in an open relationship means no one understanding commitment and having sex with anyone and anything around them is seen as acceptable and just normal. You prude. Marriage vows just don’t matter.

It is the most nihilistic film to come out this year in many ways and shows why romance truly is dead and why Hollywood is failing, everyone is so deeply unlikeable that you hate them all and just want the film to end.

This isn’t the sort of film Dakota Johnson should be making.

Overall, garbage.

0.5/5

Dakota Johnson tries

Cons.

It’s awful

It’s badly paced

All the characters are awful Hollywood cliches

It makes you feel depressed

It’s just needless

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The Drama: A Film That Shouldn’t Have Been Made

Summary, a couples wedding plans are thrown into disaary after a horrific secret from the bride’s past comes out.

So we are going to spoil this as it is important to talk about the twist and how it ruins the film massively, if you don’t want it spoiled then stop here and come back.

So when asked what the worst thing that Zendaya’s character had even done was, she replies she once planned a school shooting. Why did anyone think this was a good idea, this isn’t a drama film it’s being portrayed as a quirky rom-com, this was such a tasteless decision.

When the trailers came out we thought it was just going to be more modern Hollywood slop, as noted by the fact that almost all character are in an interracial relationship, however the reality is all together darker.

What’s more it feels like it was done to be shocking rather than for a good reason, and with the fact it seems like school shootings are happening more and more in the real world this seems incredibly in poor taste.

The film almost makes light of it at times.

Zendaya when asked directly about the tastelessness of the twist tried to play it off as comedy, it’s not comedy to make light of dead kids it’s just a bad look.

If Zendaya was a better actress maybe they could have done something to make the performance more rounded rather than just feeling like Zendaya playing herself as she always does.

If this is a foray into dark humour then it is one that goes too far.

Overall, a horrible film that never should have been made.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

The twist

It makes light of real tragedies

It uses the subject matter for shock value

It’s depressing

It’s vapid

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Super Mario Galaxy Movie: Nostalgia Missing A Soul

Summary, the Mario Brothers are threatened by the arrival of Bowser Jr who has set out to find his father after the events of the first film.

So on the press tour for this film Charlie Day was asked who his Luigi from recent American History was and said the murder who shot the CEO in an act of left wing defiance. This was pretty breaking at the time of writing this review, and sadly it does impact enjoyment of the film, as Luigi was a highlight before this incredibly poorly thought through statement.

The film itself is good and perfectly serviceable, and more of the same if you or your kids liked the first film you will like this, however, where this film is let down from the first is that it doesn’t have the same emotional core. The first film had Mario’s feelings of insecurity, Bowser’s love of Peach and even the depressed Luma to give the film stakes this one really doesn’t have that. You have the father son stuff with Bowser and his son, and the sisterhood storyline between Peach and Rosalita, but neither of these hit the same depth of feeling as the stuff from the first film. It was nice to see Mario and Peach as a couple get teased out more, this is an important part of the games that the first film did not spend enough time with. One assumed that that Mario asking Peach out would be one of the post credits scenes of the film but it wasn’t.

The adventure is interesting you see a lot of the galaxy and a lot of new things, this is mainly a chance to set up new films or to promote different IPs, obviously a film cannot spend the same amount of time with a universe as a game, but it does feel like in each of these cases it is just window dressing it is like look its Star Fox, or oh look its Daisy rather than having the world’s feel lived in or the characters seem like they matter. For example if they had replaced Star Fox with a different Nintendo character would it really have mattered at all, not really. That’s the problem in a nutshell. Nowhere is this truer than with Yoshi, not only do they have Yoshi be out and about in the over world without anyone thinking it was weird, but also all the character’s function is to follow Mario around and act like one of the minions characters. The fact is if you were to play one of the Yoshi games you would see the character has a lot more personality than he was given in the film.

The music was a lot better this time around, it was more classic game music rather than horribly forced in pop music, and the end credits that showed scenes from the film in puppet form was a lot of fun so it gets bonus points for those things.

Overall, it is serviceable and fun to a degree but there is a hollowness to it.

3/5

Pros.

Mario and Peach

The Music and Puppet Show

The scope of the film

Cons.

It has a lot of new characters but they don’t need to be there and it just feels like a shop window

The emotional core of the film is not enough

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