Love Lies Bleeding: Thelma And Louise Did It Better

Summary

Kind of like Thelma And Louise.

So this film was not going to be for everyone, that was kind of the point. However, I like crime films so I thought I would give it a try, even if the trailers left me cold. This was a mistake.

So the film wasn’t terrible and does have good stakes and a mostly compelling story, but I think that in many senses this film tries too hard to be different and in doing that isn’t really what anyone wants it to be. Mainly this is evidenced as the film has shifts in tone, one minute they’ll be something very intense going on and then a few minutes later it’ll be something more trippy and light hearted, or as light-hearted as you can get in a crime film. My point is that the film does not have one consistent tone throughout, which as everyone knows is a detriment to any film.

Another thing that will be off putting to potential viewers is that this film is smug and seems to think that it is deeper and more ground breaking than it actually is. In my opinion the reason the film suffers from this is because we mythologise directors particularly when they come from the indie circuit, look at the hype an Eggers or Aster could get for a project, as such and after the massive amount of praise and in a sense fandom Rose Glass got after Saint Maud there was no way she was not going into this with a high ego. Hence, she has bought her own hype thinking this film is some important trend-setting thing when as I said above Thelma and Louise kind of already did a lot of this stuff a long time ago.

Finally I didn’t buy the chemistry between the leads. I thought both did a fine job as there characters, however, I didn’t believe they were a couple or had feelings for each other or really anything like that. What makes this so much worse is the fact that it is a big part of the films narrative and it is important to the film working as a whole.

Overall, a film that suffers from a lack of charm, tonal consistency and an overinflated sense of self. Though to some this may become a cult classic.

Pros.

It has an interesting premise

The style of the film works well

Cons.

The central romantic pairing doesn’t feel believable

It has a smugness to it

The tone is a mess

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Anyone But You: When In Doubt Throw Yourself In The Harbour

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After a misunderstanding a pair of people who hate each other must pretend to be a couple in order to not ruin a wedding.

A plot that has been done so many times I have lost count, originality is not one of this films special skills. You know where this is going, they pretend to be a couple then they become a couple and then they break up and then they have a big run to the airport moment reunite and the films over.

I think where this film shines is with the chemistry between the leads Sydney Sweeny and Glen Powell, both of them do a really good job with it and have a strong back and forth and that makes this better than your standard rom-com.

I think a lot of the wider cast are just unnecessary and leave you feeling irritated when they are on screen as the film does nothing to make you care about them even slightly.

Overall, there isn’t much to say about this one, it is on the better side of average.

3/5

Pros.

The chemistry

A few funny jokes

A sweet singing scene

Cons.

It is predictable

The rest of the cast are wasted

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The American Society Of Magical: Race Hate The Movie

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A film meant to stand up an archaic racist trope, becomes just as racist.

If a filmmaker made a film wherein the plot line said there was nothing worse than an upset or threatened man of colour and tried to release it in the contemporary market it would be rightly condemned as hugely racist. However, the idiotic idea that you cannot be racist towards white people is tested to the limit here and proven that you actually can. The way this film generalises about white people and uses blatant caricatures, even for the purpose of comedy, is racist there is no other way to describe it. If as I laid out at the beginning the tables where turned this film would not have been made, yet this film sees the light of day despite an almost pathological hatred of white people seeing them all as villains out to oppress the lead.

Racist humour exists of course one only needs to tune into an episode of Family Guy to see an outdated stereotype of some kind, yet there the difference is that the show doesn’t get up on a soapbox and tell you it is progressive and righteous, it knows it said a racist joke and rolls with it rightly or wrongly. Here however the film thinks it can be as racist as it likes towards white people, making them out to be lazy, stupid, violent and incapable of doing anything other than steal the hard work of those they oppress, and then wants to say it is progressive, when it is actually regressive and divisive.

The most stupid thing about this film is that it doesn’t understand the trope it is trying to comment on. Within films about said trope, it is in the title, the character has no agency other than to serve and help the white characters yet the characters here have no agency and only exist to serve, they don’t want to change the status quo. As such what is this film challenging? What is it updating? It is just repeating the trope again but saying ‘oh look guys we can see its wrong’, but do they do anything new with it? Nope, they just have a character point out how messed up the trope is something that everyone with a brain already knew.

Finally the lecture at the end of the film where the main character finally stands up for himself just feels like hate speech, it boils down to white people are bad, again sub out that for any other race and this film wouldn’t be made, but this film seems to have a bee in its bonnet.

Overall, there is a reason that this film has underperformed and been ravaged by critics it is race baiting plain and simple, the creatives clearly have some prejudice towards white people, in my opinion, and wants to inject that into the film seemingly unaware that it will alienate a large part of the audience. A well deserved flop that hopefully kills the careers of those involved with it.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It is disgustingly racist

It hates its audience

It preaches and lectures rather than try to be entertaining

It is tonally all over the show

It doesn’t actually update the trope it just recycles it and goes yes we know its bad

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Christmas As Usual: A True Get Out Sequel

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple goes home for Christmas and then her family proceeds to be racist towards the incoming fiancé for the entire runtime of the film, only having a ‘man racism is bad’ moment right at the end of the film because the plot demands it, you can tell they still hate him even at the end.

I challenge you to watch this film and not be infuriated by the Norwegian family. They make no effort to embrace Jashan, Kanan Gill, and are racist to his face multiple times and you are still supposed to like them in the plot of the film. Then they get the daughter’s ex round, blonde hair blue eyes and try and set her up with him in front of Jashan. If this film was a Get Out sequel I could believe it.

I mentioned it briefly in the summary but basically the family is awful to Jashan across the film to a point where he leaves and breaks off the engagement, as he should as the girl is too ashamed to reveal the fact she is marrying a man of colour, they then have a come to Jesus moment and go ‘wait a minute are we the baddies’. This feels forced in for the plot and I would have preferred if that had been the end of it, if it had been a drama, make a point, have them be racist and unrepentant, that would have felt more authentic again there shift here felt contrived.

Overall, In many senses this film is a good outrage film, it makes you feel angry and sometimes that is what you want maybe not out of a Christmas rom-com though. I would say at times the film is almost in the so bad it is good category as the characters are so cartoonishly twisted and easy hate to hate them characters. If you want to find an anti-rom com for Christmas then here it is.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is laughably bad at times

It makes you angry it is a good hate film

Jashan has a few nice wholesome moments

Cons.

It is hard to watch at times

The shift is unconvincing

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Navigating Christmas: Where Is A Storm When You Need One

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A single mum, Chelsea Hobbs, in order to prove she is ‘fun’ takes her kid to a lighthouse for Christmas as you do.

Again another painfully by the numbers Christmas film, I think of the crappy Christmas films that stick to the standard script that I watched this year this was by far my least favourite. For the simple reason of the teen actor playing the main woman’s kid is awful. So the character is a cliché stereotype that acts like he’s five despite clearly being older than that, and blames his mum for everything in his life. The character is so off putting that it is easier to just skip over any scene he is in.

The romance between Hobbs character and the male lead is better and the romance aspect of the film makes it salvageable but honestly it is nothing you haven’t seen before.

Sadly there isn’t much more to say about this you have seen it before, the teen is irritating to a point of the film being hard to watch at times, watch something else.

Overall, an incredibly generic Christmas film

1.5/5

Pros.

The romance is okay

It is mindless

Cons.

The kid is irritating

You have seen this before

It is badly paced

It makes so real stupid leaps in logic

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A Merry Scottish Christmas: American Exceptionalism In The UK

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

You know what pairs well with Christmas rom-coms American exceptionalism.

So hear we have the usual set up but they have the added drama that they might become Lord and Lady of a Scottish town I guess, because God knows that the title should go to someone who was born and raised in the community what would those savages know no no it needs to be an American. The romantic lead of the film is Scottish and is from the area and runs the estate but he can’t get the title as it goes to a long lost daughter who moved to America and her kids. If anything this film highlights that birthright titles are stupid dumb and harmful, but worse than that it highlights how the Scott’s need an American to save them from ruin. If I was Scottish I would be angry about that.

Ultimately this film just uses Scotland as an exotic backdrop for all those midwestern mums who will be watching this on Christmas Eve, I would argue and I have only been a few times that this film in no real way reflects Scotland at all and could easily be Croatia doubling up.

The romance elements are fine but paint by numbers and you don’t really care about the couple. The real shame here is that the film is not even so bad it is good, it is just bad and propagates how the world needs an American to save it, when in reality they can’t even save themselves.

Overall, another poor showing of the 2023 Christmas Rom-Coms

1.5/5

Pros.

It is not the worst rom-com ever

It has some pretty scenery be it Scottland or somewhere else doubling for it

Cons.

The American exceptionalism

It is irritating

It doesn’t reflect Scotland at all

It is bland

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Checkin It Twice: Yet Another Small Town Christmas Movie

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hockey player moves to a small town and meets the girl of his dreams.

It is all the same isn’t it, do we really need to be here talking about this? Well you clicked on this review so I’ll do my best. We won’t talk about the plot you know it, I know it, everyone who has ever watched a Christmas rom-com knows, they never change.

What I will say about this film is that the leads had good chemistry, I thought that they were not only a believable couple but one that you could root for. Again the writing wasn’t good it was the same set up as always, but the chemistry was good enough that you could get beyond that.

You may get more out of this film if you like hockey, as it has elements of a sports movie at times, not huge amounts but some, again I have been to a few games and know a little about it but think that if you are a big hockey fan you might like this film more than most. Again for a person not into hockey these sections will inevitably drag.

Overall, it is better than the last two Christmas films I have reviewed, those being The Mean One and Colorado Christmas, but not by much.

2/5

Pros.

The leads have good chemistry

If you are into Hockey their might be something to get out of this

Cons.

It is generic

The writing is awful

It can drag at times

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A Colorado Christmas: Vomit Inducing

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A country music star, Brit Ellerman, falls in love with a single mum, Luba Bocain, and has an all American Christmas.

Reviewing Christmas films in February, that is what happens when you fall behind on your backlog, anyway, maybe long enough has past that people are counting down to Christmas again and wishing it was the jolliest season, one can hope at least.

Anyway, there isn’t a huge amount to say except this is exactly what you would expect, it is the most generic form of the textbook. It feels so middle America, yee-haw, that you could imagine this being shown at a Trump rally for how family values should be and for how America is the greatest country on Earth.

If you can put aside the downright fantasy elements of a lot of it, then the sickeningly sweet sentimentality of it all will kill you off. All the characters are troubled and all they need is a little love and family to fix everything wrong with them, you set up the idea that the country music guy isn’t happy in his life and wants a change, will having a family really do that? Wouldn’t changing career paths make more sense.

Overall, it is the sort of pap you watch near Christmas but I think it’s more Pureflix sort of vibe drags it down. Furthermore if you don’t like the yee-haw sort of America I’d give this one a skip too.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is fine

Bocain is clearly a talented actor and deserves a lot better than this

Cons.

The overtly Christian overtones that make it feel like a faith film

The yee-haw America vibe

The sentimentality

It is too long

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My Big Fat Greek Wedding Three: Once More Into Greece

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

For a series of contrived reasons we need another trip to Greece.

Again this is one of the most unnecessary sequels I have seen in a long time, who thought this was needed and so long after the fact as well. There is a part of me that believes this film was only made as a way to justify a holiday to Greece by one of the studio executives.

Again a lot of the charm from the first film and partially the second was lost here, yes there were still moments of what made the first one so easy to warm to but by and large it was just gone, hollow and empty.

Also whoever thought that the way to sell this third film no one wanted was by making it super topical and timely was again way off the mark. Whilst I agree with a lot of the things the film is saying about society and the European migrant crisis, I think that it is tonally inconsistent with the rest of the relatively lighter fare and isn’t mixed in in a way to makes it feel anything other than forced. Also I get that films are filmed usually a year or two before release but because of this some of the points they were trying to make about the migrant crisis feel a little outdated, again good sentiment but terrible implementation.

Overall, an incredibly unnecessary sequel.

2/5

Pros.

There is some fun

The vistas look nice

Cons.

There is no need for this film

The timely messages are several years out of date

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The Book Club The Next Chapter: The Sequel No One Needed

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of old friends head to Italy for a bachelorette party.

I was in two minds about watching this film at all, the first was fairly abysmal and was nothing other than a cynical ploy to cash in on the Fifty Shades fad that was popular when the film was greenlit. However, I must say that this film faired better than the first and was watchable and even charming at times, now there were some pretty big issues with the film don’t get me wrong but it was at least more passable than the first film.

In a sense I applaud this film for trying to be a sex comedy film at times with older women. Within the landscape and our broader culture old women are far too often seen as sexless and grandmotherly ceasing to have needs of their own, so it was nice that this film tried to address that. Although it must be said that it does so with the grace of a wrecking ball, and rather than have a mature conversation about the sexuality of older women the film instead just crams as many groan inducing, in a bad way, sex jokes as it can into its runtime. It just feels a little juvenile, though it must be said it is handled with more class than something that Al Pacino or Robert De Niro would do wherein they would be doing gross physical comedy as well.

Something that hit me early on with the film and that opened things on a sour note was how much this film is a covid film. By that I mean that this film within the first few minutes must have mentioned covid at least twenty times, and again I feel like this is done as when the film was being made the pandemic was a big news item, however, now upon release it just serves to date the film.

Both of those issues exist alongside the various technical issues that plague this film such as convenient writing, a generic plot, pacing issues and over sentimentality, but you would expect those sort of issues with a film of this nature so I won’t spend time addressing each in turn, just trust me they are there.

Overall, hopefully this is a closed book now.

2/5

Pros

It is watchable

It opens a much needed conversation on the taboo of older female sexuality within media

Cons

It turns an important conversation into a series of sex jokes that are never funny

It is generic, dull and at times the pacing is trying

The reminder of the pandemic

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