Slayers: A Torturous Existence Surrounded In Mediocrity

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of influencers hunt vampires.

Originally I was quite on board with this film, I liked Thomas Jane’s character and I thought the comedy/commentary was pretty on point, and then it has to go and ruin it all by just becoming another generic vampire film.

I think the worst thing about this film for me is that it boils down to the same old same old, some vampires and slayers attack one another until one comes out on top, there is nothing fresh about that. Moreover, a lot of the characters other than Jane’s are deeply unlikeable and irritating: though maybe that is on purpose. For the most part any film about influencers is best avoided.

The horror is not really there at all, the atmosphere is more jokey than anything else and yes they do have a little bit of gore but really that is nothing too shocking, it’s all fairly tame.

Overall, yet another generic vampire film.

Pros.

Jane

The comedy/commentary

It is short

Cons.

The characters are unlikeable

You have seen it before

It is deeply generic

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Terrifier 2: More Isn’t Always Better

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Art, played by David Howard Thornton, is back at it again.

I have been looking forward to this for a long time, and my expectations were both met and not met at the same time.

I liked that the gory carnage of the first film continued on and if anything this film was even more ambitious taking things to a whole new extreme. However, therein lies an issue I have with this film, if anything the violence goes way beyond what the first film had and does cross into a place of being gratuitous and nasty. I think the gross out spectacle of this film is put before everything else and as the film gets carried away with its larger budget it never stops to think about how far is too far.

In terms of story we get more of a classic slasher narrative here than we did in the first film, we are introduced to new final girl Sienna, played by Lauren LaVera, and she and Art do battle. I liked LaVera’s performance and saw quite a lot of a young Jamie Lee in her, I think that if she sticks around within the genre she can easily become a new and beloved scream queen in time. I would say however, that the plot of this film falls apart in the last twenty minutes where things just happen and nothing really makes sense. The film is badly paced and does go on for too long, as you reach the end of the film where the narrative starts to eat itself you are quite ready for it to just be over.

Overall, more doesn’t mean better.

Pros.

LaVera

Art is still a great villain

I liked that this film deepens the lore

Cons.

The violence borders on the tasteless at time

The third act falls apart and then sets fire to the whole film

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Lyle Lyle Crocodile: A Surprising Delight

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A singing crocodile, voiced by Shawn Mendes, enters a families’ life and changes it forever.

Is this the greatest film ever? No. Will this be the film that gets you into the music of Shawn Mendes? Probably not, but maybe.

Though this film will never set the world on fire I think it was a lot better than it had any right being. The best thing about it is certainly the energy and the heart that the film has, this film is a fun ride that is undeniable and during that ride it will make you feel things, you’ll laugh and you’ll cry and by Jove you might even end up liking the songs of Shawn Mendes. Before watching this I had never heard a Shawn Mendes song but now after watching it I can safely say I might listen to his music now, I feel like the film was a good taster for it.

I think the performances across the board were good, especially Javier Bardem and Constance Wu, both gave off real warmth and had us care about their characters. In the case of Wu this film really reminded me of the charm and charisma she had on the early seasons of Fresh Off The Boat I hope she keeps making films where she gets to have fun and show off that side of herself.

There are some rather obvious issues with the film such as weird CGI for the crocodile and incredibly blatant product placement, but to me I thought both of these added to the so bad it is good appeal of the film. Certainly it is more of a goofy watch then a serious film that you have to sit down and experience, it reminded me in many ways of the recent Sonic movies.

Overall, a lot of fun was had.

Pros.

It is a fun ride

It is very well paced

It makes you laugh and cry

Lyle is incredibly likeable and cute

Cons.

It is nothing new, but in a sense it doesn’t need to be

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Pearl: Who Asked For More?

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An origin story for everyone’s favourite old lady serial killer.

Honestly I have never been a fan of the films of Ti West often they struggle to appeal to me in anyway, some such as House Of The Devil and The Sacrament have shown promise but by and large I just think he is pretty talentless. X this film’s sequel which was released first only really had a buzz because of its goofy premise a slasher vs a group of porn stars, in actuality and in a technical sense the film is actually quite bland and quite a clear copy of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre at times.

The more art house elements of the first one really struck me as delusions of grandeur, West has always dwelt in the shock value area of horror being gross out rather than cerebral, and though some horror filmmakers can crack both, David Cronenberg he is not. The arty elements of X didn’t work because they just seemed jarring and out of place and here they make a little more sense but you just don’t really care.

I think Mia Goth deserves praise for trying to make this character interesting despite West doing everything he can in a scripting phase to make sure she is just your typical psycho who cracks because their dreams are shattered, how fresh, Joker did this exact same thing much better a good few years ago now. I think at its core that is the issue with these films, it is nothing new and the lofty sense of self that it carries around is unearned.

Overall, Fine nothing new or interesting, but not awful either.

Pros.

Goth

It is watchable

A few nice gory images

Cons.

It thinks it is way deeper and cleverer than it actually

It borrows a lot from better films

It is badly paced

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Final Destination: Don’t Fear The Reaper

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of teens are saved from a grizzly death after one of their number has a vison that forewarns of the events to come, however, once safe death comes to claim each of them in a new design.

I grew up with this series, and though they are a little repetitive, it is the same gimmick every time, they are still some of my favourite horror films. I think this is in part due to the fact they never show death, yes I know some people view Tony Todd’s character as being a physical embodiment but I don’t, and that they keep things mysterious. I think doing this leads to a really creepy atmosphere through not just this film but all of them.

I also think that this first film is boosted in many ways by strong performances from Devon Sawa, it is criminal that he never came back for any of the other films in the series in a major way, Ali Larter and the always incredibly Tony Todd. Todd not only shines here but becomes a favourite of mine throughout the series.

The deaths here are not as inventive or as silly and goofy as some in later entries, but that isn’t a bad thing wholly, I liked the deaths here they felt quite real and grounded, though maybe not the teachers,

Overall, a very strong horror film that I would argue is a classic.

Pros.

The atmosphere

The scares

Todd, Larter and Sawa

The deaths

The ending

Cons.

A little repetitive

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Child’s Play: Don’t Get Your Kid A Doll And You Might Just Be Saving Their Life

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Little Andy Barclay, played by Alex Vincent, gets a Good Guy doll called Chucky, voiced by Brad Dourif, for his birthday little does he know that it will change his life forever.

Though I do enjoy the more light hearted fare that we got as the Child’s Play franchise progressed I have to say that I think the more serious approach of this film first worked well, maybe even better. I liked the wider focus on Chucky/Charles Lee Ray as an evil serial killer, who isn’t cracking jokes all the time, as well as the more serious look at voodoo magic.

I liked the plot of the film even if it does feel a little samey now as all other possessed or evil doll films take a similar line, I thought that it was engaging and I liked that most of the characters in the film just thought Andy was lying and tried to lock him away, it is more realistic.

Overall, it still holds up well though it may seem a little familiar to modern audiences.

Pros.

Dourif

A more serious tone

It has some good scares

The fact people don’t believe Andy

Cons.

It feels a little familiar and worn watching it in modern times

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Scarlett: Cool Kids Don’t Do Drugs

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Just say no. One morning Scarlett, played by Kristin Jaap, awakens to find her wild cocaine usage the nice before has left her far worse off and in a heap of trouble.

I do think this film has an important message, drug use might seem cool it may be what all of your friends are doing but it also comes at a cost, addictions ruin lives and all sorts of mistakes can and are made when people are high as Scarlett finds out here. I think it is hard to watch this film and not think about just how bad drugs can be and how they can mess up your life so in that this film is doing a public service as by making you aware it is saving lives.

I thought the performances across the board were strong, though I would have to single out Jaap for extra praise as her acting worked on multiple different levels and really brought a lot of nuance and thought to the character. She really brought the tired and often very cliched, within media, idea of the addict into a new light here.

In addition this film keeps a nice tidy pace, being able to communicate its message and have an impact all within a very short amount of time, if only more films could be like this.

Overall, an important film with a good message.

Pros.

The message

The pacing

Jaap

The ending

Cons.

I think some of the side characters could have done with a little more development

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Old Man: Stephen Lang Has A Bad Day

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An old man, played by Stephen Lang, who lives alone in the woods is surprised to receive a guest.

I think this film is entirely dependant on Stephen Lang to break even. By that I mean if you judge this film by the sum of its parts then you get a very pretentious, but not a very deep film. Add in that a lot of the thematic beats have been hit before and you have a recipe for a bad film, however, Lang’s masterful performance which is able to be compelling, sinister and also strangely warm all at the same time really raises this film up and out of the dirt. Truly this film does not deserve Lang.

I saw some listings that had this film as a horror, I would say that is untrue. It is far more of a claustrophobic thriller, and in this area the film does have some success as there are a number of tense moments between the two men and the whole film keeps you on edge.

Overall, a fine film made better by Stephen Lang without him this film would fall apart.

Pros.

Lang

A number of tense moments

It is watchable

Cons.

It is predictable

It is overly familiar theme wise

It has pacing issues

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Black Adam: Time To Put The DCEU Out Of It’s Misery

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Black Adam, played by Dwayne Johnson, escapes from his prison to then engage in deeply generic superhero shenanigans.

My my if this is the best the DCEU can produce then it really is in need of a reboot pronto.

This is the most generic superhero film that I have seen in a while, this film is so obsessed with giving us mind numbing CGI spectacles that it forgoes anything even barely resembling a story or character instead choosing to use an off-putting barrage of mostly badly done bang bang effects.

Johnson is playing himself, which is fine is you like that but not if you actually wanted Black Adam to have a personality beyond ‘oh look The Rock has super powers now.’ They try and give Black Adam somewhat of an upsetting backstory but the fact that the Rock can’t emote in any real way just kind of kills that off early on.

The Justice Society are annoying, I suppose this is what the film wants as it wants you to cheer on Black Adam as he beats them up. I thought that Doctor Fate, played by Pierce Brosnan, was easily the best of them and the film and then the film goes and kills him off. To do this and try and give him this big heroic send-off doesn’t work as we haven’t seen him in any other films and he has barely been introduced or developed here so his death has very little impact beyond angering fans of the character such as myself. I thought that they might bring him back in a post credits scene, but no they have to bring back Superman, played by Henry Cavil, again because God forbid they have the film be standalone.

Overall, weak and generic.

Pros.

A few cute moments between Atom Smasher and Cyclone

Some interesting comments on America as the world’s unwanted policeman

Cons.

The Rock is miscast and can’t emote or do anything beyond play himself

It is one big CGI mess

They brought in Doctor Fate only to kill him

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Luckiest Girl Alive: Exploiting Pain

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The struggles of a young woman, played by Mila Kunis, as she makes her way in the world.

Netflix needs to take a long hard look in the mirror releasing this only a few weeks after Blonde, both films which can be viewed as exploitative and as fetishising sexual violence and female misery. I have read to a degree that some think this film could have done with a trigger warning, or to have not gone as hard as it did, but I would argue that the real issue is that the subject matter wasn’t handled well at all, lacking any kind of grace rather being instead a brute force act of shock. I can understand to a degree the director choosing to do things the way they did to show the true horrors of life for a young woman but at the same time I would argue that this verges into a new form of torture porn along the way.

Additionally, unlike other reviewers I don’t think Mila Kunis was the right lead for this film. Though she does have some acting talent which has been shown more in her recent dramatic work I just don’t think it is strong enough to carry this film. If anything the weakness of Kunis’ acting abilities are only brought to the fore here and from that she is crushed under them.

Moreover, the pace moves so breezily by everything that nothing really has a chance to sink in or to mean anything at all. The film aims for these lofty high art goals of replicating the human condition but it comes nowhere close as the technical failings mean it is hamstrung from the opening minutes, the pacing is truly quite bad being both overly long and rushed at the same time.

Overall, yikes Netflix stop profiteering from other people’s grief and pain. Lets hope this new form of grief induced torture porn ends early so we aren’t subjected to more films like this.

Pros.

It tries to tell an important story

Cons.

It is bleak throughout

Kunis isn’t strong enough to carry it

The pacing is awful

It fixates and fetishizes grief and pain far too much

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