Horse Girl: One Of Netflix’s Worst

Horse Girl is a drama film directed by Jeff Baena. The plot follows Sarah (Alison Brie), a woman whose normal life starts to unravel, and she becomes more and more unhinged; the later parts of the film get into things like alien abduction, cloning and mental health, with a lot of the film being up to your interoperation of events.

When I sat down to watch this on Netflix the description for it made it sound like a horror film, that is what I was expecting and my oh my it is not that. Well it isn’t in a literally sense, but it does show the horrors of mental health and how someone can easily slip into a manic episode and that is a pretty terrifying thing to think about.

That said thinking about this film is more fun than actually watching it. Large sequences of this film are dull and drawn out, most likely in an effort to make you care about the main character which you never actually end up doing. What makes this worse is that a lot of the film’s abstract elements, come across at best as confusing and at worst as a deluded sense of self; as this film seems to think it is far deeper than it actually is. This is an art film in very much the worst way.

Alison Brie gives a good performance, especially with what she has to work with, she makes Sarah both a vulnerable and frightening character at the same time and easily carries a lot of the film’s dramatic scenes. However, everyone else in the film with no exceptions are the most unlikable group of human beings ever assembled. By that I mean none of the characters have any warmth or likeability, maybe that was a conscious choice who knows; Debby Ryan’s character perfectly captures my point.

It is films like this that have given Netflix the reputation that they will make anything, Horse Girl adds yet another weird unpleasant title to Netflix’s already growing stable of bad films. Though I think this film has some good elements and Alison Brie is okay overall it is tripped up by its huge ego, that is clear in near every scene, as this film isn’t deep it’s pretentious.

That is an hour forty-five minutes of my life I am not going to get back.

Pros.

It is neat to think about.

Alison Brie is okay.

Cons.

It is the worst type of Art film.

It’s not deep it just thinks it is.

It’s dull.

You end up hating most, if not all, of the characters.

1/5

Reviewed by Luke

Malevolent: Menacingly Average

Malevolent is a British horror film directed by Olaf de Fleur Johannesson. It follows brother and sister duo Angela (Florence Pugh), and Jackson (Ben Lloyd Hughes), who pretend to be paranormal investigators to make money. However, when they arrive at their latest case both siblings learn that not only is the paranormal real, but it wants to see them dead.

When I was going through Netflix and I saw a horror film staring beloved up and comer Florence Pugh I expected big things and boy was I disappointed! This film is as run of the mill and as generic as a horror film can get, all of the ideas this film has have been done before and so much better. It reminded me in a lot of ways of The Boy from a few years ago, expect that felt novel and fresh and this just feels like a retread.

This film greatest crime is how average it is and how it seems to be okay with it, everything from the performances to the scares had me at an eh. The horror genre is in a near-constant effort to reinvent itself: because there are only so many times you can jump at a jump scare before it becomes obvious and crucially not scary. This is what I think befell this film, had it come out 5 years ago it could have done well, but it came out now and that my dear reader is what killed it.

Another baffling thing this film does is have Florence Pugh a British actress speak with an American accent. This is a British film that takes place in Britain, so it would make sense if Pugh spoke with her normal accent, I wouldn’t mind but her and her brother being American’s doesn’t really fit into the plot at all and it just seems a bit odd.

The ending the of the film, when it is going full kilter into all the lip-sowing action, is when it is at it’s best and I will give it that. The ending is genuinely a bit creepy and left me thinking about it after the credits rolled, if the rest of the film could have been like that it would be a much better film.

Overall, this film felt incredibly bland, it had all been done before, and other than a creepy ending and a somewhat decent performance from Pugh, it is on the bad side of forgettable.

Pros.

Creepy last 10 minutes.

Florence Pugh gives an okay performance.

Cons.

It’s boring.

It has been done before, better.

The accent thing bugged me.

It is very much a 2014 sort of film.

1.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Yoga Hosers: The Great White North

Yoga Hosers is a horror comedy film directed by Kevin Smith. The film serves as the second instalment in Smith’s True North trilogy after Tusk. The story this time around sees the Colleens (Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp) return, to fight Nazi clones that take the form of Bratwurst people and once again save their hometown. If that premise sounds out there and weird to you, it should. Yoga Hosers is aware that it is an hour and half exercise in nonsense and silliness and is proud of it, it revels in it.

*Before I watched this film, I had heard people say nothing but, bad things about it and I have to say I disagree I quite liked the film. For me the Colleens are likable and funny protagonists, Harley Quinn Smith once again proves that she has a lot of upcoming actor potential. I think the film has strong horror and comedy elements, it leans more towards comedy most of the time though and is at times both scary and funny.

The humour for me worked about 75% of the time, which is less than what I would give Jay And Silent Bob Reboot, but that film was great. That said the humour in this film had me chuckling quite often and had me laughing out loud once or twice. Don’t get me wrong there are some jokes that drop like lead weights, but for the most part the comedy works.

The hidden Nazi’s element on the plot was genuinely scary at times, however this was deeply undercut by having them be bratwurst people, which for me was just a little bit too ridiculous and I didn’t find them scary. There was some quite good gore across the film that might make you happy if that is your kind of thing, personally I love a good bit of gore in a horror film.

A final point to note is that Johnny Depp is in this film as Guy LaPointe a detective who helps the girls out. Depp for me was easily the best character in this film and the one I liked the most, he was charming and likeable and very easy to warm to. I like when Depp plays over the top eccentric characters.

Overall, I think this film has been judged a bit too harshly, yes, the bratwurst people are ridiculous and yes, the jokes don’t always land, but on the whole this is still an above average horror comedy film and one that does have things to enjoy for the right audience.

Pros.

The Colleens.

Johnny Depp.

Wonderfully Silly.

Cons.

The Bratwurst people.

The humour for me is hit or miss.

3.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Justice League Dark: The Mystical Side Of DC

Justice League Dark is an animated science fantasy superhero film. The plot revolves around a team of DC Superheroes, the more mystical ones, who have to investigate a pattern of strange behavior that has turned fatal. The Justice League themselves can’t understand the problem, so it is down to Batman (Jason O’Mara), and his strange collection of allies to save the day.

*Justice League Dark is one of my favourite DC comics, I have read many runs of the team over the years, so when I heard about this project, I knew I had to check it out. I was disappointed, this was an incredibly average film, nothing more, nothing less.

I will admit it was nice to see the team of Constantine (Matt Ryan), Zatanna (Camilla Luddington), and Deadman (Nicholas Turturro), get together; furthermore, it was nice to see Matt Ryan return to play Constantine, he is fairly synonymous with the character to me. However, my issue was the overall story just felt flat. The best issues of the comic have strong horror elements, but I didn’t get that here, other than the shades and a few other things it was mainly without horror.

What’s more though I liked Constantine I felt that a lot of the other characters were short-changed so that he could have more screen time. An example of this would be Swamp Thing (Roger Cross), who has been a major part of the team before in the comics, here only gets a few lines. Worst of all after he gets defeated, he just goes away and we don’t see him again, which feels like a big unresolved plot thread.

As I said before, this film is everything I would expect from a Justice League Dark film, a group of the more mystical DC heroes fighting against a supernatural opponent, but that isn’t enough to sustain my interest across the film’s runtime, I wanted more. More depth to the characters, more scope to the narrative, I don’t know exactly what but, something that felt better than bog standard.

Overall, this film fell short my expectations, it didn’t wow me in anyway, in fact it annoyed me a lot of the time. I wish they had put more time and energy into the characters and the story overall, if they had this might have been something special.

Pros.

Matt Ryan.

It is nice to see all of the characters team up.

A solid foundation.

Cons.

Other than Constantine and Zatanna very weak characters.

How they handled Swamp Thing.

2.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina Part 3: Abandon All Hope Of A Good Season

The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Part 3 is a supernatural horror TV Series. The show revolves around a young witch called Sabrina Spellman (Kiernan Shipka), she is half witch and half human and is unlike her peers on both sides on the supernatural vial. The series sees her learn more about her powers and herself and go on various adventures with her friends. Part 3 sees Sabrina go to hell to get her boyfriend back, thereby becoming the new Queen of hell, as well as battling against a horde of pagans that worship the Old Gods and want to see the destruction of Sabrina’s coven.

Before I get into this review I just want to say I genuinely enjoyed the first 2 parts of this series, there were plenty of great horror moments to keep me interested, despite being linked to the Archie comics and therefore to Riverdale this show had avoided most of the terrible pit falls of that show. At least it did for a time.

Part 3 is by far the worst so far, The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina always had a distinct sense of identity, but it loses it this season. It basically becomes a more out there slightly scarier Riverdale which is the worst thing I could ever possibly say. The supernatural horror takes a back seat to relationship drama and teenage angst, I understand this is the main market for the show, but the other parts still had good horror elements mixed in to make these moments bearable. What’s more there is a musical interlude every 5 seconds, which feels very Riverdale, these songs feel like they have no natural place in the show instead feeling like plot padding and a chance to show off their licensed music.

Another thing that makes this part the worst for me is Sabrina herself. She has always been brash and impulsive following her heart rather than her head, but this season is ridiculous. She repeatedly does things that put everyone she cares about in danger just because it is what she wants to do. When she is trying to become The Queen Of Hell, she won’t take souls unless she thinks they deserve it, which is baffling as they sold their souls to the devil in the first place. What’s more her whole holier than thou attitude quickly becomes grating as she seems to think she knows better than everyone else on screen; proving her to be the embodiment of every self-entitled, self-important arsehole ever; what makes this almost comical is that she is near always wrong.

Don’t even get me started on her friends, they literally exist to further the plot and fill-out the near hour runtime of an episode. In a supernatural horror show, I don’t want to watch a 10-minute cheer leading sequence. This series is going down the toilet fast.

Pros.

A few good horror sequences.

Lilith continues to be great.

Cons.

Sabrina is hateable.

It feels pandering and Riverdale esque.

It’s vapid and self-involved.

1.5/5

Reviewed By Luke

Colour Out Of Space: Nicolas Cage And H.P Lovecraft, Terror And Mania

Colour Out Of Space is a horror film directed by Richard Stanley. It is an adaption of the H.P Lovecraft story of the same name and marks the start of a Lovecraft trilogy that Stanley wants to direct. The plot follows a family of farmers whose life starts to take a sinister turn when a meteor crashes in their front garden; said meteor and the things that come out of it interfere with time and space and create monstrosities.

This film is everything you would expect from a Lovecraft horror film, monsters from a hellish other plane, grotesque mutated humans that make your skin crawl and a deep and unrelenting sense of existential dread and terror. Straight from the beginning when we are introduced to Lavinia (Madeleine Arthur), we see the mystical elements that make up this story and the wider Lovecraft universe.

Adding to this sense of madness Nicholas Cage plays Nathan, Lavinia’s father, he is just a humble farmer and family man. As the film progress we see Nathan become more and more insane as his life slowly falls apart and he is forced to kill his Alpacas and his Wife and Son. Cage as we all know is fantastic when it comes to playing manic characters, he has great energy and is able to flip out on a dime. Cage’s performance in this film is just as insane as we would expect; his casting was a touch of genius.

The ending of this film is also great as it ends with this sense of calm, but also heavily implied ideas of post-apocalypse. It has a looming sense of hopelessness that I find perfectly embodies the Lovecraftian spirit.

My only issue with the film is that they could have spent more time showing us the other plane that would have been really cool, the little taster we get is great, but I would like more. Furthermore, the wider Gardner family outside of the two I have already mentioned are all fairly one note and feel paper thin; I would have liked them to have more to do.

Overall, this is a perfect Lovecraftian horror film, it has everything you would want it and boasts a fantastic Nicolas cage performance, it is slightly let down by some of the less developed characters, but it is a hell of a start to a trilogy. Overall, if you like Lovecraft, Nicolas Cage or just horror in general then this is a must see!

Pros.

A near perfect Lovecraft adaption.

A great ending.

Nicolas Cage.

The unrelenting horror.

Cons.

Slightly underdeveloped in parts.

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Dracula: How To Destroy Potential In One Episode

Dracula is a three-part horror TV series developed by Sherlock creators Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss. The story is yet another retelling of Bram Stoker’s seminal novel Dracula this time with a twist. This time around the Harker family take up a new position in the narrative, and the struggle between Dracula and Van Helsing is shown to exist across multiple lifetimes and members of the Van Helsing family.

This series left a bitter taste in my mouth. I love Dracula and I’ve read the book several times and consumed most media related to it and my issue with this iteration of the story wasn’t the changes or the fresh take, but how they chose to end it. That third episode was woeful, and that seems to be near universally accepted. Not only do they have Lucy Westenra, and the rest of the characters as 20 something club goers, which is painful to see, and informs me that Moffat and Gatiss haven’t ever actually talked to a young person in their lives. It is beyond cringey. Worse so, they decide to have Van Helsing and Dracula die together almost as lovers, which is not only a slap to the face, but also a kick in the balls.

It is such a shame that the third episode is as bad as it is, as the other two episodes were nothing sort of terrific. I liked the changes to the established story in the first few episodes as they made sense, and the direction the story took was fresh and interesting. I liked most of the stuff they were putting down, it had just the right amount of good horror mixed in as well. What’s more the new Dracula Claes Bang is magnificent; he is my favourite on-screen iteration of the character so far. He plays the character with just enough humour to be likeable and just enough menace that you never want to let your guard down. I would love to see more of his interpretation of the character, but sadly we will never get that.

Overall, the first two episodes of this show had it set to be something special, but the horrific, cringey mess that was the third episode not only shot the series in the foot, but also put a stake through its heart and set it on fire. The first two episodes would have been 5/5, but that third episode ruins it all.

Pros.

Claes Bang Is Great.

The First Two Episodes Are Magnificent.

Some Of The Changes Work.

Cons.

The Cringe Inducing, Lore Destroying, Baffling Third Episode.

The Idea Of Having Dracula and Van Helsing Romantically Linked.

3/5 and that’s being generous.

Reviewed By Luke

The Wicker Man: Not A Bee In Sight

The Wicker Man is a British horror film directed by Robin Hardy. The film centres on Sergeant Neil Howie (Edward Woodward), who travels to the remote Summerisle to try and find a missing girl, and once he arrives, he finds that the locals have abandoned Christianity and have embraced a pagan religion that involves human sacrifice.

This film is the stuff of filmmaking legend not just in the horror genre, but in British cinema in general. It is one of the best UK horror exports. The reason why it is so revered is because it plays on the fear of ‘others’: people who aren’t like us, and in this case in positions them as a direct threat to Christianity. There is a shocking and unpredictable nature to this film which is accompanied by a creep building sense of fear and permeates the whole film.

To me this film reminded me somewhat of Children of the Corn as they both had an underlying sense of something isn’t right here and has the antagonists worship some other evil deity, that is proven to be real to some extent. The Wicker Man also plays on the idea of being single minded, the protagonist is so convinced that his Christian way is right that he is blind to everything going on around him; a mistake that proves to be fatal.

The late great Christopher Lee appears in this film and he is phenomenal. Not only is he terrifying but he has that cult leader quality; the ability to convince others to do what he says through sheer magnetism. Lee proves his worth as a horror master a veteran of the genre, his Lord Summerisle should give you goose bumps.

There are some explicit scenes here and there that serve a purpose narratively but do feel a little over the top. The thing about these scenes is that they seem to come out of nowhere, they serve the purpose of showing how the pagan society clashes with the protagonist’s Christian views and can be viewed as quite shocking, especially when the film came out.

Overall this film is a masterpiece of horror filmmaking, it has been copied into modern horror (here’s looking at you Midsommar) because there is a timeless quality to this story that will never go out of fashion. A Must Watch!

Pros.

A Fantastic Culture Clash.

A Compelling Mystery.

Christopher Lee.

A Very Unique Identity.

Great Atmosphere And Horror.

Cons.

None

5/5

Reviewed By Luke

Velvet Buzzsaw: An Exercise In Pretension

‘Velvet Buzzsaw’ is a satirical supernatural horror film written and directed by Dan Gilroy. The plot of the film revolves around a collection of painting that is both captivating and deadly; there is something alive within the paintings that either kills people or makes them kill themselves. The film also serves to lambast and spoof the art world.

Before I get into this review, I want to say that ‘Nightcrawler’ Gilroy’s other work with Jake Gyllenhaal is a masterpiece, being able to really show off its dark sensibilities and mustering a fantastic performance from Gyllenhaal. There is something about ‘Nightcrawler’ that makes it alarming every time you see it, even though by that point you know how it ends.

The same can’t be said for ‘Velvet Buzzsaw’. My main issue with this film is how up its own arse it is, it seems to think it is the best film that you will see all year; which it isn’t. The satirical elements of the film fail so much so, that I wasn’t even aware it was supposed to be that way until I sat down to research this review. The only thing that might clue you into the fact that this is supposed to be satirical is the fact that all the characters are deeply unlikeable; though I thought that was just bad writing.

Rene Russo and Gyllenhaal try their best and give good performances, which serve as a saving grace for this film, but only barely. The rest of the cast are terrible, Toni Collette’s performance has zero energy and feels like she is trying to give a bad performance for whatever reason. Zawe Ashton has one facial expression for the whole film and to call her wooden would be generous and ‘Stranger Things’ own Natalia Dyer feels like she is only in the film on Netflix’s behest to try and get more people to be like, “oh she was in Stranger Things I should probably rewatch that”.

The horror concepts of this film are interesting and there are a few good scares peppered throughout. However, they just aren’t enough, this film is 20 per cent inspired horror and then 80 per cent lost up its own arse as to how good it is; which is a terrible shame as I was excited to watch a film from the writer-director behind Nightcrawler and his strange, but always excellent muse Jake Gyllenhaal.

Overall this is an exercise in pretension that falls flat whilst also being incredibly hollow.

Pros.

Jake Gyllenhaal Is Always Fantastic.

Some Good Horror Moments.

An Interesting Concept.

Cons.

The Terrible Cast.

The Smug Sense Of Self This Film Has.

2.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Eden Lake: Broken, Boring and Blatant

‘Eden Lake’ is a British horror film written and directed by James Watkins. The plot sees a couple going on holiday to a quarry, in some unnamed part of England, whilst there they are stalked by a group of young people, who want to torture and eventually kill them.

I find this film offensively bad. My main issue with it, and if you don’t like politics sorry skip to the next paragraph, is that it demonises the working class in Britain. ‘Eden Lake’ was one of those films that explored the idea of ‘Broken Britain’ much like it’s contemporary ‘Harry Brown’. The issue with these sorts of films is that it often portrays the narrative often from a very middle-class viewpoint, this film especially. We are supposed to be scared of the dangerous ‘chav’ kids, rather than think of the sort of life they have had that has led them to this point. This whole narrative to me feels cheap and exploitative. Furthermore, it perpetuates this false idea that if people of means leave a big city or their home, they will be immediately forced into danger.

Not only that, but the writing feels like a collection of horror clichés with the protagonists Steve (Michael Fassbender), and Jenny (Kelly Reilly), being written to be the dumbest possible characters. You know when you watch a horror film and you are saying to yourself, “Switch The Lights on” or “Don’t Go Up There”, but they do it anyway, as they seem programmed to do the dumbest possible people and they do things that nobody would do in that situation: well that’s how the characters are here. I like horror films like ‘You’re Next’ where the characters are actually written with some intelligence, rather than deliberately doing stupid things that put them in danger and then just sitting around to face the consequences. Yes, I know a lot of the time characters are written like this to advance the plot or to set certain scenes up, but once again it feels very lazy.

Overall for a cheap low budget British horror film, it could have been a lot worse, but even still it doesn’t excuse the weak class baiting sort of writing and the paper-thin characters. I am glad that Fassbender and Reilly went on to bigger and better things and this film can be thrown in the bin of history and left to be forgotten.

Pros.

It’s Not The Worst Film I Have Ever Seen.

Cons.

It Feels Cheap.

It’s Manipulatively Written.

It Doesn’t Belong In Modern Times & It Has A Bad Message.

The Characters Aren’t Even Paper Thin, They’re Somehow Lesser Than That.

1/5

Reviewed by Luke