Argylle: The Matthew Vaughn Formula Has Gone Bad

Summary

A best selling novelist, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, finds herself at the centre of a spy mystery.

I like Matthew Vaughn, his style, even his second Kingsman film, but I didn’t like this.

I had two major issues with the film. Firstly, I thought it felt tame, the violence was bloodless and secondly I thought the twist was incredibly obvious. I think for me the worst moment of the film was the big final battle at the end when rather than having a bloody shootout which is what you want out of an action film you have instead bright colours and smoke and they are dancing and shooting and you just go who is this for? Meanwhile the twist that Bryce Dallas Howard is in fact agent Argyll was so on the nose that you could have guessed it blind without having ever seen the trailer.

My pros of the film come with the fact that the cast is good and likeable and you do like the characters even if the story itself is played out and repetitive. I think Bryce Dallas Howard did a good job leading the film and that Sam Rockwell and Henry Cavill where good in their supporting roles.

Overall, this film deeply misunderstood its audience its all very well doing a spy spoof film but people still want to see bloody gory violence and not a colourful dance number.

2.5/5

Pros.

Howard

The wider supporting cast

It is very watchable

Cons.

The mystery is obvious

It has been done better before

It feels incredibly tame

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Migration: Dancing Ducks And Outdated Memes

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A family of ducks go on a cross country migration

This was a deeply average animated movie, nothing happened that you couldn’t guess from the trailer and it was mind-numbingly stupid. Before you cry out but this is a movie for kids, sure but films like Toy Story and hell even Super Mario had good enough writing that you could enjoy it whilst being an adult there was a cleverness, not so here.

What I found odd and perhaps irritating about this film was its desire to repeat jokes, a repeated joke in a kids animated film is not unusual, but this film doesn’t just repeat one or two jokes it is like say 7 or 8 jokes that it reuses over and over and because it’s a large amount by the end of the film there are no new jokes just repeated ones. Moreover, this film is incredibly dependent on outdated memes and pop culture moments that horribly date the film. Remember Salt Bae? Remember when the salt sprinkle meme was a thing? This film sure does and it bases the villain of the piece around him because that is a thing that will still be relevant with folks today let alone kids.

The moral lessons of this film are fairly insipid, it’s the same old same old about going outside your comfort zone, and if a girl talks to you once then you must fly across the world to catch up to her because clearly she is your soulmate. Maybe I am overthinking a kids film but I just think that there are much better animated films that teach these same lessons.

Overall, if you want a film about ducks dancing and a lot of references to outdated memes then this is the one for you, if you want anything else not so much.

2/5

Pros.

David Mitchell is in this that a massive pro for me

It is fun to laugh at it

Cons.

It is boring

It has a generic message

None of the characters, except the little sister duck are likeable

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Baghead: Pubs Are Bad Investments

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young woman, Freya Allen, inherits a pub with a witch living in the basement.

This film has a number of things going for it in my mind, firstly the lore surrounding the witch and how she came to be there and the secret society around it is interesting, secondly the witch does manage to have some good scary moments that aren’t reliant on jump scares and finally that they stick to a dark and troubling ending. I think all three of these things make this film feel fresh and draw you in, which is a strong pro for an early in the year horror film.

However, where this film is hurt is in it’s casting. So before I go on to slate Allen I want to state that the script doesn’t give her much to work with and that her character has a terrible backstory, with the film itself making no effort to make her seem like an actual person or get you to care about her. Now with that said her performance is bad, in many senses it feels like a film project you might see out of a film school rather than an actual production, the acting feels like students who are just trying it for the first time and so have no presence. What makes matters worse is that she has a private school esque British accent despite supposedly growing up in care and having a hard knock life, either the script neglected to mention that her foster parents sent her to private school or Allen can’t do another accent as The Witcher also proved.

Overall, I am left thinking what this film could have been if they had cast someone else who was better at acting, it has good ideas and could really have been something.

3/5

Pros.

The ending

The scares

The mythology of the world

Cons.

Allen is awful

The pacing is off

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Thanksgiving: Slashing Up The Pumpkin Pie

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of teens are attacked on Thanksgiving.

This is what Eli Roth should be doing not making some lame fan film looking Borderlands movie no one asked for.

Whilst horror aficionado’s will be disappointed by this film’s rather lame plot, it is exactly what you have seen before many times over just now with a thanksgiving theme, it makes up for it with the violence. Whilst the slasher is not always a gore fest this one sure is and its with these visuals that the film rises above its limitations. You see a woman get cooked like a turkey.

The acting is weak but would you expect anything other than that, it is your usual collection of stock characters. As some of you who follow me on social media will know I was very critical of Addison Rae being added to this cast as influencers aren’t actors, and like I predicted this was a clearly cynical cast choice to try and get the kids in the door, she is wooden and can only mildly pull off a bemused look for most of the film whether the character is supposed to be happy or scared.

When it is revealed who the killer is it is actually a good mystery as the misdirection throughout the film works to throw you off base enough that the reveal does seem surprising, which works to the film’s credit.

Overall, with the twist and the violence slightly above average.

3/5

Pros.

The violence

The twist

The novelty

Cons.

The acting

It feels done before

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The Boy And The Heron: Ornithophobia

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A boy enters a mythical world in order to save his surrogate mother figure whilst also investigating the death of his actual mother.

I thought this was a beautiful film to look at every ounce of it had the Ghibli magic that we have all come to know the studio for. The world is so dense and rich and easily explorable, and as you go on this adventure there are so many interesting little side stories established but not fully explored allowing your imagination to fill in the blanks.

The actual plot relating to motherhood family and generations feels very personal, and you care about the character’s journey and want to find out what happened to the mums, and the families connection to this other realm. Though the film doesn’t give away all the answers I would say the ending we got was satisfying and feels weighty.

The one thing I would say about this film, and it didn’t bother me personally but I would be remiss not to say it, is that at times it can be very unsettling, especially in the early parts of the film wherein the heron seems like an almost demonic force intent on harming the kid. As such my point is that this aspect of the film clashes with the wider family friendly tone of the film and if you are considering watching this one with your kids it is something to bear in mind, there are a few frights.

Overall, a lovely swan song for a true titan.

4/5

Pros.

It is a fantastic world

The story is impactful

It leaves a lot to your imagination

It is a sweet film

Cons.

It is not always the most family friendly

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Night Swim: Swimming In The Sewer

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A haunted swimming pool, yes you read that right we have reached the bottom of the barrel folks.

There was some potential here if you played it for laughs then maybe something so goofy as a haunted swimming pool could work, but nope its incredibly serious. Essentially this film is about a group of ghosts that hang around a swimming pool that used to be a magical creatures lair, but said creature needs a sacrifice in order to work.

This film is the very worst of Blumhouse, it is not clever, there is nothing of substance to it, and it feels like it lazily made on the cheap with no thought going into it. The film barely has any scares at all and what it does have are cheap jump scares.

Everyone in this deserves so much better, I feel really bad that after Kerry Condon started to break into Hollywood this is the drek she gets signed to, she needs better management.

Overall, lame and they knew it was hence them dumping it in January,

1.5/5

Pros.

It has an interesting premise

It is short

Cons.

They do nothing with it

It feels like it goes on forever

It isn’t scary

It is far too serious

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The Beekeeper: Burning Down A Call Centre Has Never Been So Efficient

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Jason Statham is just a man that likes to make honey at the weekends and then in the weeks burn down call centres.

This film was hilarious, I would imagine intentionally so, Statham’s character would commit a grave act of violence and then make a bee pun or comment and you couldn’t not burst into laughter.

Moreover, this was a good role for Statham as he got to be his usual tough guy persona but also have a little fun with it, I think in many ways this could be the start of a new franchise for him as it has the same charm as something like The Transporter did all those years ago.

The world of the Bee Keepers is also quite interesting and rife for exploring in the same way the world of the Continental was when John Wick first came out. I definitely think any sequel should lean more into that direction.

Overall, a good dumb action film.

4/5

Pros.

It is funny

Statham

It has many cheer worthy moments

The world of Bee Keeping

Cons.

The villains are fairly one note

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Aquaman 2: Isn’t The Ocean Polluted Enough Without Garbage Like This

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Aquaman, Jason Momoa, has to have one last tiresome fight against the tide in a final farewell to the DCEU.

I liked seeing Jason Momoa being a dad and being softer and not the alpha male he often plays, I think it is important to see guys be a bit softer from time to time. Again did the film emasculate him I’d say not as he is quickly back to fighting and carrying on. In a sense this feels very much like Thor Ragnarök or even Love and Thunder, goofy softness mixed with some action hero moments just so you remember what you are watching.

The Amber Heard stuff was not dealt with as it should have been at WB with Emilia Clarke taking over the role and she is still here if only briefly, and if only as Elon threatened to sue allegedly. Her presence drags the film down but hey at least the film flopped so her acting career goes out on a low note, like pooing the bed.

Honestly it was hard to care about anything in this film or the world at large as you know the reboot is coming so it all has an air of what’s the point.

James Wann’s talents were wasted and he should have gone back to the Conjuring universe and left this turkey to die. It is sad to see the DCEU end on such a low note but they did it to themselves this wound was self-inflicted.

Overall, an average to poor superhero film in a year of bad superhero films.

2/5

Pros.

Jason Momoa has some charm

It is unintentionally funny

Cons.

Amber Heard is in it

It is too long

You just don’t care about it

Christmas As Usual: A True Get Out Sequel

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple goes home for Christmas and then her family proceeds to be racist towards the incoming fiancé for the entire runtime of the film, only having a ‘man racism is bad’ moment right at the end of the film because the plot demands it, you can tell they still hate him even at the end.

I challenge you to watch this film and not be infuriated by the Norwegian family. They make no effort to embrace Jashan, Kanan Gill, and are racist to his face multiple times and you are still supposed to like them in the plot of the film. Then they get the daughter’s ex round, blonde hair blue eyes and try and set her up with him in front of Jashan. If this film was a Get Out sequel I could believe it.

I mentioned it briefly in the summary but basically the family is awful to Jashan across the film to a point where he leaves and breaks off the engagement, as he should as the girl is too ashamed to reveal the fact she is marrying a man of colour, they then have a come to Jesus moment and go ‘wait a minute are we the baddies’. This feels forced in for the plot and I would have preferred if that had been the end of it, if it had been a drama, make a point, have them be racist and unrepentant, that would have felt more authentic again there shift here felt contrived.

Overall, In many senses this film is a good outrage film, it makes you feel angry and sometimes that is what you want maybe not out of a Christmas rom-com though. I would say at times the film is almost in the so bad it is good category as the characters are so cartoonishly twisted and easy hate to hate them characters. If you want to find an anti-rom com for Christmas then here it is.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is laughably bad at times

It makes you angry it is a good hate film

Jashan has a few nice wholesome moments

Cons.

It is hard to watch at times

The shift is unconvincing

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Chicken Run Dawn On The Nugget: I’d Rather Have Some KFC

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Chickens are back.

I am going to be up front with you all when I watched this film I was eating the Christmas deals from KFC at the same time, that is my sense of humour.

I like Aardman, I support British animation, but deary me this film was unnecessary. When will the trend of the characters we care about from previous films being called out by their kids end ? So here we see Molly, Bella Ramsey, call out her mum from hiding her from the world and saying how she wants more out of life, Ginger, Thandwie Newton, could have easily avoided the events of the film by saying ‘look if you go outside of this island you’ll die’ but no.

Anyway, the new preachy daughter character saying how the chickens now have a moral duty to go and free the other chickens in the camps at the end is just irritating. We don’t need every character to be an activist.

Maybe it is because I didn’t like the first film but if there was supposed to be any charm here it is just not showing up for me.

Finally, and this may be somewhat controversial, but Molly’s scouse best friend has an incredibly grating and irritating accent and every time she says anything it just goes through you. Having heard many a scouse accent in my time, I was thinking to myself is this someone making an over-the-top impression but nope. It is honestly hard to listen to at times.

Overall, they should make a Robin Robin sequel and stop this.

Pros.

It is short

The animation is impressive

Cons.

It didn’t need to exist

The whole plot of the film could have been easily avoided with one piece of dialogue

The scouse chicken

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