Night Swim: Swimming In The Sewer

Summary

A haunted swimming pool, yes you read that right we have reached the bottom of the barrel folks.

There was some potential here if you played it for laughs then maybe something so goofy as a haunted swimming pool could work, but nope its incredibly serious. Essentially this film is about a group of ghosts that hang around a swimming pool that used to be a magical creatures lair, but said creature needs a sacrifice in order to work.

This film is the very worst of Blumhouse, it is not clever, there is nothing of substance to it, and it feels like it lazily made on the cheap with no thought going into it. The film barely has any scares at all and what it does have are cheap jump scares.

Everyone in this deserves so much better, I feel really bad that after Kerry Condon started to break into Hollywood this is the drek she gets signed to, she needs better management.

Overall, lame and they knew it was hence them dumping it in January,

1.5/5

Pros.

It has an interesting premise

It is short

Cons.

They do nothing with it

It feels like it goes on forever

It isn’t scary

It is far too serious

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The Beekeeper: Burning Down A Call Centre Has Never Been So Efficient

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Jason Statham is just a man that likes to make honey at the weekends and then in the weeks burn down call centres.

This film was hilarious, I would imagine intentionally so, Statham’s character would commit a grave act of violence and then make a bee pun or comment and you couldn’t not burst into laughter.

Moreover, this was a good role for Statham as he got to be his usual tough guy persona but also have a little fun with it, I think in many ways this could be the start of a new franchise for him as it has the same charm as something like The Transporter did all those years ago.

The world of the Bee Keepers is also quite interesting and rife for exploring in the same way the world of the Continental was when John Wick first came out. I definitely think any sequel should lean more into that direction.

Overall, a good dumb action film.

4/5

Pros.

It is funny

Statham

It has many cheer worthy moments

The world of Bee Keeping

Cons.

The villains are fairly one note

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Aquaman 2: Isn’t The Ocean Polluted Enough Without Garbage Like This

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Aquaman, Jason Momoa, has to have one last tiresome fight against the tide in a final farewell to the DCEU.

I liked seeing Jason Momoa being a dad and being softer and not the alpha male he often plays, I think it is important to see guys be a bit softer from time to time. Again did the film emasculate him I’d say not as he is quickly back to fighting and carrying on. In a sense this feels very much like Thor Ragnarök or even Love and Thunder, goofy softness mixed with some action hero moments just so you remember what you are watching.

The Amber Heard stuff was not dealt with as it should have been at WB with Emilia Clarke taking over the role and she is still here if only briefly, and if only as Elon threatened to sue allegedly. Her presence drags the film down but hey at least the film flopped so her acting career goes out on a low note, like pooing the bed.

Honestly it was hard to care about anything in this film or the world at large as you know the reboot is coming so it all has an air of what’s the point.

James Wann’s talents were wasted and he should have gone back to the Conjuring universe and left this turkey to die. It is sad to see the DCEU end on such a low note but they did it to themselves this wound was self-inflicted.

Overall, an average to poor superhero film in a year of bad superhero films.

2/5

Pros.

Jason Momoa has some charm

It is unintentionally funny

Cons.

Amber Heard is in it

It is too long

You just don’t care about it

Christmas As Usual: A True Get Out Sequel

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple goes home for Christmas and then her family proceeds to be racist towards the incoming fiancé for the entire runtime of the film, only having a ‘man racism is bad’ moment right at the end of the film because the plot demands it, you can tell they still hate him even at the end.

I challenge you to watch this film and not be infuriated by the Norwegian family. They make no effort to embrace Jashan, Kanan Gill, and are racist to his face multiple times and you are still supposed to like them in the plot of the film. Then they get the daughter’s ex round, blonde hair blue eyes and try and set her up with him in front of Jashan. If this film was a Get Out sequel I could believe it.

I mentioned it briefly in the summary but basically the family is awful to Jashan across the film to a point where he leaves and breaks off the engagement, as he should as the girl is too ashamed to reveal the fact she is marrying a man of colour, they then have a come to Jesus moment and go ‘wait a minute are we the baddies’. This feels forced in for the plot and I would have preferred if that had been the end of it, if it had been a drama, make a point, have them be racist and unrepentant, that would have felt more authentic again there shift here felt contrived.

Overall, In many senses this film is a good outrage film, it makes you feel angry and sometimes that is what you want maybe not out of a Christmas rom-com though. I would say at times the film is almost in the so bad it is good category as the characters are so cartoonishly twisted and easy hate to hate them characters. If you want to find an anti-rom com for Christmas then here it is.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is laughably bad at times

It makes you angry it is a good hate film

Jashan has a few nice wholesome moments

Cons.

It is hard to watch at times

The shift is unconvincing

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Chicken Run Dawn On The Nugget: I’d Rather Have Some KFC

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Chickens are back.

I am going to be up front with you all when I watched this film I was eating the Christmas deals from KFC at the same time, that is my sense of humour.

I like Aardman, I support British animation, but deary me this film was unnecessary. When will the trend of the characters we care about from previous films being called out by their kids end ? So here we see Molly, Bella Ramsey, call out her mum from hiding her from the world and saying how she wants more out of life, Ginger, Thandwie Newton, could have easily avoided the events of the film by saying ‘look if you go outside of this island you’ll die’ but no.

Anyway, the new preachy daughter character saying how the chickens now have a moral duty to go and free the other chickens in the camps at the end is just irritating. We don’t need every character to be an activist.

Maybe it is because I didn’t like the first film but if there was supposed to be any charm here it is just not showing up for me.

Finally, and this may be somewhat controversial, but Molly’s scouse best friend has an incredibly grating and irritating accent and every time she says anything it just goes through you. Having heard many a scouse accent in my time, I was thinking to myself is this someone making an over-the-top impression but nope. It is honestly hard to listen to at times.

Overall, they should make a Robin Robin sequel and stop this.

Pros.

It is short

The animation is impressive

Cons.

It didn’t need to exist

The whole plot of the film could have been easily avoided with one piece of dialogue

The scouse chicken

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Napoleon: Ridley Scott Gets His History From The History Channel

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An origin story for Napoleon, Joaquin Phoenix.

So first off this film has nothing at all to do with history, literally nothing. It may take a few events and dates that actually happened but that is all, for the most part it is badly researched toss that never happened, so if you are considering this film for its historical merits go elsewhere.

Outside of that this film is a decidedly mixed bag. The battle scenes are visually impressive and the scale feels right, it feels like an epic. However, these sequences aren’t as long as you would like them to be and they don’t really show off Napoleon as the tactical genius he was really quite the opposite.

In terms of the rest of this film it is fixated on Napoleon’s relationship with his wife Josephine, Vanessa Kirby, at times you will forget you are watching a historical epic and think you are watching a period drama film instead. Both actors play their parts well perhaps Kirby even one ups Phoenix, but it is a weird choice to have Napoleon so emasculated in his own film, in many ways this film seems to go out of its way to make Napoleon look as weak as possible. Take this sequence for example, Napoleon has been away in Egypt fighting, and whilst gone Josephine has taken a lover, now when Napoleon hears of this he is furious as one would be but then when he gets back to France he is angry with her but still immediately takes her back and everything is fine, it is an odd choice for sure.

The questionable historical accuracy within this then makes the film almost come across as a historical hit piece on Napoleon and with that in mind you can see why the French don’t like this film, or some don’t, as this film takes one of their biggest historical figures and turns him into kind of a joke.

Overall, Ridley Scott misses again, maybe instead of taking so many interviews where he swears at those that don’t like his film he should crack a book it will save embarrassment like this.

2/5

Pros.

The battle scenes were good

Phoenix and Kirby both try their best

Cons.

The history is shot

It makes Napoleon look weak and pathetic

It is far, far too long

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Lisa Frankenstein: Necrophilia The Love Story

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A social outcast, Kathryn Newton, falls in love with a zombie, played by Cole Sprouse.

I was looking forward to this and it was pretty middling.

The main pro I can say for this film is that Kathryn Newton is great, she is very easy to root for and you really believe her character throughout. She might over act a little when the character fully embraces being a bad girl but that aside for the most part she gives a great performance easily the best in the film, though that isn’t hard considering her co-lead doesn’t talk.

I think on the negative side of things that this film is very confused about what it wants to be, and how it wants to go about telling the story it wants to tell. As at times it tries to be a comedy, a drama and sometimes it tries to go for horror but these disparate elements don’t jell well together at all and make the film feel disjointed and tonally at odds with itself.

Moreover, this film doesn’t really have anything new or fresh to say at all, I think Diablo Cody is a good writer yet this feels years out of date. The love story will be familiar to anyone who has even a cursory knowledge of the genre and it is far too familiar to films like Life After Beth just with the roles swapped. Also if you want to talk about ripping people off the whole aesthetic of the film could easily have come out of a Tim Burton film from a decade or so ago.

Overall, whilst Newton is charming this film doesn’t do anywhere near enough to make itself a fun watch.

1.5/5

Pros.

Newton

It has a few funny moments

Cons.

It has been done better before

It feels too familiar

The tonal mismatch

It feels flat

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Navigating Christmas: Where Is A Storm When You Need One

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A single mum, Chelsea Hobbs, in order to prove she is ‘fun’ takes her kid to a lighthouse for Christmas as you do.

Again another painfully by the numbers Christmas film, I think of the crappy Christmas films that stick to the standard script that I watched this year this was by far my least favourite. For the simple reason of the teen actor playing the main woman’s kid is awful. So the character is a cliché stereotype that acts like he’s five despite clearly being older than that, and blames his mum for everything in his life. The character is so off putting that it is easier to just skip over any scene he is in.

The romance between Hobbs character and the male lead is better and the romance aspect of the film makes it salvageable but honestly it is nothing you haven’t seen before.

Sadly there isn’t much more to say about this you have seen it before, the teen is irritating to a point of the film being hard to watch at times, watch something else.

Overall, an incredibly generic Christmas film

1.5/5

Pros.

The romance is okay

It is mindless

Cons.

The kid is irritating

You have seen this before

It is badly paced

It makes so real stupid leaps in logic

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In The Land Of Saints And Sinners: A Shoot Up Down The Local

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Liam Neeson is a small town hit man in Ireland

I thought this film was quite good, bear in mind I am a big Neeson fan so I am more than likely being a bit forgiving if only unconsciously.

The premise of a hitman taking out the wrong person and drawing the ire of a larger group is nothing new, but the build here is what makes this film more. As the trio of IRA members circle the small town looking for Neeson you know a conflict is coming, and the film holds out on you until the very end, and when the shootout in the pub does occur it happens with such grandiose brutality that the whole film becomes worth it then and there.

Increasingly I see things about Neeson retiring or at least giving up action films, but I think there is no need for that I still think he’s a believable action force even now, after all Schwarzenegger continued with action rather later into his life than Neeson so I still think he has a few more action films in him.

Jack Gleeson gives a great performance here as well easily living up to his twisted character in Game Of Thrones though here he is supposed to be on the side of the angels. Kerrie Condon is also a good villain for the piece who you can both hate but also understand why she is doing what she is doing. A strong cast all round.

Overall, another solid Liam Neeson action film

4/5

Pros.

Neeson

Gleeson

Condon

A great third act

Cons.

It is slow getting to the action

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Wonka: A Discount Chocolate Bar

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Willy Wonka, Timothy Chalamet, gets an origin story, outside of the one he already had in the Tim Burton film.

I enjoyed this film more than I thought I would, and whilst I still stand by the fact it didn’t need to exist and that in many ways is fairly generic, there is enough charm here to elevate this above the realm of average and bring it close to good.

There are some great performances from some of the best in British comedy here these are peppered in throughout an always feel enriching when they appear. The most present of these comedians is the trio of villains again each giving a hell of a performance and being both funny and menacing in equal measure. To counter that I will say that Wonka’s group of friends and supporters is incredibly bland and feel tacked on, none of them really have any kind of personality outside of Wonka and the little girl he takes under his wing is the most forgettable character you will likely ever see in a film. She is basically Matilda without the charm.

The odd eccentricities of this film help to give it a unique feel that many familiar with the Paddington films will be familiar with, however, I think the foray into musical was a bad idea and that the film should and could easily have left the songs out; it is not like any of them are good singers.

I want to take a moment to shoutout Hugh Grant as once again here he is the standout of the film, I think his Umpalumpa was a scene stealer in the scenes he appeared in.

Sadly it is highly likely this film is why Sally Hawkins won’t be Mrs Brown in Paddington 3 which I think is a shame they a largely waste her in flashbacks here anyway.

Overall, it is a better than average yet flawed film

3/5

Pros.

It has a charm

The collection of British greats

Hugh Grant

Cons.

The supporting cast are weak

It never really justifies it’s own existence

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