The Silverton Siege: What The Mummy Gets Up To On His Off Days

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Loosely based on real world events, this film sees 3 young South African self-described freedom fighters hold a bank hostage whilst demanding the release of Nelson Mandela.

I thought for the most part this film was quite strong. It had good stakes and never let the tension slow down, by not having any respites or lulls in side stories or God forbid comedic relief this film allowed itself to be constantly engaging and intriguing.

Moreover, I thought the performances across the board were strong, I would not say there was a single weak performer. Thabo Rametsi was a compelling lead who really sold the struggle and inner turmoil of the character he was playing. Arnold Vosloo was also magnificent in his role and really brought something to the film.

I thought the social commentary of the film worked for the most part, however, in some areas it was laid on pretty heavily and as such felt a little clumsy. It certainly raised awareness and made me think a lot more about that time and place in world history, but I do think the writing could have been a bit stronger in this regard.

Overall, an above average Netflix film but certainly not something that will set the world on fire.

Pros.

Rametsi

Vosloo

The tension

Cons.

The social commentary is a bit too in your face and obvious

Pacing issues

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Ambulance: A Return To Form For Michael Bay

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Criminal brother Danny and Will Sharp, played by Jake Gyllenhaal and Yaya Abdul-Mateen II, end up hijacking an ambulance after a bank robbery they are involved with goes down the pan.

In many ways I thought this was a return to form for director Michael Bay, it was tense, thought provoking and totally nailed its action/chase scenes. There were a number of times were you could say I was on the edge of my seat, and I thought Bay did a good job of racketing up the stakes, there is a surprising amount of action for a film where most of the characters remain in the titular ambulance for most of the film. I thought the best scene was most likely the cartel attack which brought the crazy manic violence to a whole new level.

I also thought the performances across the board were strong, Abdul-Mateen II and Eiza Gonzales both gave great performance and brought a lot to their respective characters, likewise Garret Dillahunt seemed to be having a lot of fun in his role too. The one bad apple in the bunch, however, was Gyllenhaal, that is not to say he gave a bad performance but rather that it was incredibly limited. I don’t believe that this is Gyllenhaal’s fault more so I think the character is written to be very two dimensional and then because of that Gyllenhaal has little to work with.

My main area of criticism would be the pacing, the film is on for way too long and there are a lot of unnecessary sub-plots that add nothing to the film. For example why did we need to see the marriage counselling session of Keir O’ Donnell’s FBI character? We didn’t. Maybe the film included it for a bit of levity within an otherwise quite dark film, but even in this case it comes off as needless.

Overall, the best film Michael Bay has made in a long while.

Pros.

Abdul-Mateen II

Gonzales

The action and stakes

The ending

Cons.

The pacing

The needless sub-plots

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The Wicker Man: Nicolas Cage In Bearskin

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A film about bees, bears and Nicolas Cage.

Honestly I was disappointed by this, I went into it expecting a weird Nicolas Cage film that is so bad it is good but instead I was met with a sleepwalker affair riddled with plot holes and lacking any sense of originality.

In some respects this film wants to set itself apart from the original Wicker Man and do its own thing, however, in other cases the film is shot for shot the same as it. This goes beyond homage and just feels like a blatant attempt to copy what worked from the original.

Moreover, something that bothered me about this film was Cage’s characters disappearing gun. So the original film is set in the UK where most police officers don’t carry guns, unless they are armed response, however, in the States it is far more common for police officers to carry guns yet Cage’s character seems to forget this until the last few moments of the film. There are a number of situations in this film wherein I was like surely he will bring out his gun for this, but no. I think this was done to try and amp up the tension in the film, however, if this was the goal then it makes no sense to bring it out for the final showdown.

Furthermore, the bees bit which has featured in so many memes wasn’t actually that good and for the most part Cage’s signature blend of crazy was played down, in my mind much to the film’s detriment. I think if the filmmakers had let Cage go more off the rails the film would have been infinitely better.

Overall, a mid-tier Cage movie that is pretty forgettable

Pros.

A few laughs to be had

It does at times try and do its own thing

The ending

Cons.

The plot holes

It doesn’t go far enough

It is too derivative in places

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The Good Dinosaur: Pixar’s Darkest Day

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young and very American dinosaur, voiced by Raymond Ochoa, goes on a journey of self-discovery after being washed down river.

I won’t go after the voice actor for the lead dinosaur, he was a kid at the time and as such it is low hanging fruit, however, it was a terrible performance. If someone else of more experience had voiced the lead dinosaur then maybe it would have been better than what we got, which was incredibly bland.

Indeed, lifeless and dull are two words that describe this film down to a tee. In the past I have said that I prefer films that are bad to ones that are boring and this is a perfect example of that. This film is so deeply by the numbers that it is neither good nor bad just incredibly forgettable.

The story of the film was likewise played out, you have seen this before it takes the concept nowhere new and has very little fun with it either. Think about the heart and soul of the Land Before Time films and imagine the same sort of idea but without any of the charm and you have this film.

Overall, certainly the worst of Pixar.

Pros.

It is watchable

Sam Elliot does a good job

Cons.

It is bland

It is generic

It doesn’t take the concept anywhere new

It lacks any kind of charm or heart

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The Unbearable Weight Of Massive Talent: The Best Nicolas Cage Film

5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Nicolas Cage is paid to attend a wealthy man’s birthday party, once there he is forced into working for the CIA.

This was one of the best films I have seen in a long time, it never stopped making me smile.

I am a big fan of Nicolas Cage so I loved every second of this film, which is basically a love letter to Cage as well as to all of his fans out there; this is what the fans always wanted to see Cage at his full blown craziest. I do think you can be a fair-weather Cage fan or even a newbie to Cage and still get some enjoyment out of this film as it is simply just a really good time anyway.

Both Pedro Pascal, who plays the man Cage is paid to spend time with, and Cage himself are both having a lot of fun and you can tell that in every frame of this film. Their friendship is not only easy to root for but also one that you hope carried over outside of the film. The two had such great chemistry that I would love to see them star in a bunch more films together.

I thought the finale with the bang bang action set pieces was a weak point of the film but I enjoyed that it self-referenced this within the meta commentary of the film the two characters were making. We like them would have preferred for the film to be a serious drama about two men bonding over a shared love of Paddington 2 but as they say in the film ‘you need something for the trailer’.

Overall, one of the most enjoyable experiences I have had an the cinema in a long time.

Pros.

Cage

Pascal

The comedy

The meta references

The love towards the filmography of Cage

Cons.

None

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X: Pornstars Versus The American South

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ti West’s latest offering, of questionable taste, is porn stars verse an old couple with I guess super powers?

Obviously I am having somewhat of a laugh by suggesting that the old couple has super powers, but the film does seem to suggest that. Not only do they teleport around, the old lady, played by Mia Goth, seems to be everywhere at the same time, but they also perform kills on people half their age who are much more physically fit than them that can only be explained away by them possessing super strength, and pitch perfect accuracy.

On a more serious note a lot of people have lorded this film as a loving homage to exploitation horror flicks of the past, with Texas Chainsaw Massacre being an often made comparison. However, I think this film wishes it could be like those films rather than it actually being like them or is in anyway a homage. To me at least, it was a deeply generic slasher film that has been done a hundred times before and also much better than this, if that is what homage means then I have had the wrong definition all these years.

I will give the film prompts for its odd cult like religious elements they were by far the most interesting part of the film, but were explored nowhere near enough- hopefully the prequel can readdress them in more detail.

West tries to push the boundaries by including quite graphic sex scenes, but this just comes off as desperate and gimmicky. Bear in mind in a world cinema context these scenes are nothing and are practically puritanical, however within the deeply conservative world of Hollywood sex scenes these are challenging, and will leave you feeling more than a little awkward if you watch them in company.

Overall, a passable slasher film, but in no way deserving of the praise it has gotten.

Pros.

It is watchable

The gore is strong

I liked the religious cult like elements

Cons.

The sex scenes feel desperate

It is very generic

It has significant pacing issues

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Chicken Little: Zach Braff’s Illustrious Career

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A horribly rendered chicken, voiced by Zach Braff, thinks the sky is falling down and no one believes him.

This is one of those films that you look back on it now and ask how did this ever get made? It is the sort of film that only stoners could enjoy, as those of us who attempt to watch this sober have to deal with the frankly disturbing animation that belongs in the deepest recess of the uncanny valley or perhaps the lowest levels of hell.

Truly the animation is a barrier to entry. You can’t really afford the argument of oh that was years ago and CG animation was far less developed, because though there might be some truth to that it ignores the fact that Toy Story came out years before it and looks a million times better.

If you are brave enough to carry on past the awful animation then you will get caught in the reference zone, wherein this film will reference every single other Disney film in the back catalogue, or at least it feels like it does. There is nothing wrong with a few meta jokes here and there or even a lot if done right, but here it is just done for the sake of memberberies, with the references occurring at a speed that only a child could keep up with.

Overall, a very bad early attempt at CG animation by Disney.

Pros.

It is watchable

There is a so bad it is good quality to it

Cons.

The animation

The references

Braff

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The Lost City: Daniel Radcliffe Continues His Journey Into Strange

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A romance novelist, played by Sandra Bullock, and her cover model, played by Channing Tatum find themselves deep within the jungle, on an Indiana Jones like adventure.

Honestly I enjoyed the trailer for this film more than the film itself, which is sad as I had been eagerly awaiting this film for some time. I thought a lot of the film’s best jokes were wasted on the trailer, leaving the actual viewing experience as devoid of humour, with me laughing maybe once or twice at most.

I thought for the most part this was a deeply generic adventure film though it had its moments. I enjoyed the romantic connection between Bullock and Tatum, I thought they had great chemistry and were a very strong on screen pairing. Moreover, this film is a strong return to form for Tatum and marks yet another good step in his return to the big screen following on from a great performance in Dog. Likewise, Daniel Radcliff continues his journey as one of the most versatile and strangest performers in Hollywood with his character being a highlight of the film, whenever he came on screen the film seemed to pick up.

However, on the other hand this was a very by the numbers performance for Bullock, and Brad Pitt was barely in this film, again all his best bits were used in the trailer, clearly they couldn’t afford his day rate.

Another big issue I had with this film was its tameness, clearly in the beginning this film was supposed to be raunchier than it is, but was then made tamer to appeal to a wider audience in my mind this was a huge mistake.

Overall, entertaining but disappointing in the long run.

Pros.

Tatum

Radcliffe

It is very watchable

Cons.

Pitt

A lot of the good jokes were spoiled by the trailer

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The Nan Movie: Elder Abuse

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Catherine Tate tries to resurrect her career by bringing one of her characters from her noughties sketch show to the feature film realm, with rather unsurprisingly negative results.

Who was this made for? I am curious as this didn’t act as a gateway into Tate’s sketch show so it can’t have been for new audiences, maybe it was made for older fans but then if that was the case then why wait so long? It doesn’t make sense.

This films brand of comedy has not been funny or in vogue for about 10 years. This comedy can only be described as laughing at those with differences, the Little Britain sense of humour. There were multiple jokes in this film were the punchline was the fact that the lead, played by Tate, was being homophobic or laughing at a man in drag, not only is this not funny but it is borderline offensive. I am not one of those people to get up in arms over something not being PC, but here it felt mean spirited, excused away by ‘oh the joke is her reaction and her attitudes’, to me it felt like Tate and her fellow co-writer couldn’t think of any funny jokes so just decided to bash people not like them.

Moreover, I was sad to see Katherine Parkinson in this as she is so above this kind of slop that slumming it would be an understatement, I hope she at least got a big pay out for this appearance. The flashback stuff worked well, perhaps better than the present day sequences that range from nonsensical to desperate, sadly the flashbacks are undercut by the rest of the film and clash horribly.

Overall, a desperate film made for a bygone age.

Pros.

It is watchable

The flashbacks work well

Cons.

It isn’t funny

It is offensive

It wastes the talents of Katherine Parkinson

It is dull

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Operation Mincemeat: The Most Shocking Hand Sex Scene In The History Of Cinema

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A daring tale of WW2 espionage is ruined by a ham fisted love triangle that becomes distracting.

Before seeing this film I was excited the event this is based on is fascinating. For those of you who don’t know Operation Mincemeat was a British military plan whereby a corpse was floated ashore in Spain carrying false papers in an effort to convince the Axis powers that the Allies were going to attack Greece instead of Sicily. At the time the plan was deemed incredibly risky and is now viewed as one of the greatest feats of espionage ever. That premise sets this film up to be a good war time thriller, however, the focus is not on the operation itself really at all instead it focuses on the personal lives of the characters.

Colin Firth, Kelly MacDonald and Matthew Macfadyen, the three sides of the love triangle, all give good performances. The performances of those involved is not the problem, what is a problem however is the fact that the love triangle between these three actor’s characters becomes of greater importance to the plot than anything else. I thought it was entirely needless.

Moreover, during the Spain sequence there are these incredibly random sex scenes that just sort of come out of nowhere and feel weird. I don’t know if they are done in reference to real things that happened and were included for authenticities sake, but if they weren’t what are they doing in the film? The hand-job scene in particular had everyone in my showing of the film looking at each other in shock and confusion asking why this was happening?

Overall, though the film was very watchable and had good performances for the most part, the focus is in entirely the wrong place.

Pros.

It is watchable

Strong performances across the board

When they actually talk about the plan it is interesting

Cons.

The love triangle

The sex scenes

It has awful pacing

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