Our Little Secret: Hide The Snow Lindsey Lohan Is Around

The woman who tried to abduct a Syrian child back in 2018 is back, look it up, as Lindsey Lohan continues her ill-fated string of Netflix Christmas releases.

This time around it follows a couple who broke up as one of them simply couldn’t move to London for a bit, and now they are with new people, and yet they run into each other at Christmas party and realise they are dating siblings in the same family. Hijinks ensue.

A lot of people have made fun of this film for the fact that everyone in it looks like they have been covered in fake tan in much the same way people used to get slimed at the Kids Choice Awards. However, the real issue is that Netflix was so cheap they used Lohan and Ian Harding, the film’s male lead, to play younger versions of themselves rather than hire younger actors and its horribly jarring.

The film lacks the charm of a Princess Switch and instead feels incredibly tame, even by Hallmark standards this film would be looked at as incredibly safe. The central romance feels off as well, chiefly the main thought I had during this film is that Lohan should just retire and enjoy her life like Cameron Diaz, what she is doing isn’t acting it is just her playing a safer and more Christian version of her character from the Parent Trap aged up.

Overall, Netflix has embarrassed themselves again.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is so bad it is funny at times

It is inoffensive

Cons.

It is slow

It is boring

The romance doesn’t work

Lindsey Lohan is miscast

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That Christmas: An Epitaph To The Sorry State Of Modern Britain

Summary

Richard Curtis should retire and Netflix should issue a public apology.

Where to start with That Christmas? There are so many things wrong with it that I honestly don’t know.

First and foremost it doesn’t understand the UK, it was written by an Englishman and yet it depicts a south coastal city in the winter as having knee deep snow and having frozen ponds and bodies of water. For those of you not familiar with UK weather that is incredibly unlikely unless maybe you were at high altitude or it was particularly cold but otherwise it is nonsense.

Then you have all of your horrible and dating ‘modern day tropes’ one of the characters is really into militant veganism and so releases all of the Turkey’s to die or later be recaptured, another goes off on multiple climate change lectures and of course has all the answers despite being a child. Then there is the fetishisation of the NHS, our free public health service here in the UK if you’re unfamiliar, with their being a whole subplot about a single mother, voiced by Jodie Whittaker, being selfless and working on Christmas Day and needing to be treated like a queen when she returns home. It has the sickening and fake over sentimentality of when people were banging pots and pans in Tribute to the NHS during the pandemic. She is doing her job, and arguably being a bad parent, yet we are supposed to give her some applause? Of course every different race imaginable is depicted as it’s a Netflix film and they don’t seem to understand that not every part of every country is the same as what they see on the streets of LA, especially not the monied parts of southern England.

Finally, it struggles as a Christmas film without a message. All good Christmas films have a message as well as being entertaining, but what does this film have to say? Communities should come together? Christmas is about the people and not the presents? Old people caused global warming and so are evil? All of these things have been said before, more intelligently and with more depth, by trying so hard to appeal to a modern audience the film is left saying nothing.

Overall, Netflix spits in your face and tells you it is Christmas snow.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It doesn’t understand the UK at all

It is horribly dated

It is cringe

It feels the need to lecture

It has nothing new to say

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A Christmas Carol: Jim Carry Does A Yorkshire Accent

Summary

A Christmas Carol is animated and Jim Carrey attempts to do a Yorkshire accent.

As a child this was my favourite version of the Dicken’s classic, however, now watching it all these years later I find it has rather lost its charm. In many senses this suffers from the same sort of problem as The Polar Express and that is to say that the animation leans a little too closely into the uncanny valley and comes off as quite menacing and upsetting at times.

I appreciated Carrey’s performance and thought it was a high point of the film for sure, even his questionable Yorkshire accent for the Ghost of Christmas Present. His Scrooge really does feel the part in a way that a lot of the other on screen depictions just don’t.

I would argue that the ending needs a bit of work as when the transformation happens and Scrooge becomes nice rather than this feeling happy and like a personality shifted, it comes across a little bit manic here and a little as though Scrooge is having a breakdown. I would have said a positive but more subdued performance would have worked better here than a louder and more over the top one.

Overall, though a novel idea to animated the classic Christmas tale it is not without its issues.

2.5/5

Pros.

Carrey

Some impressive visuals

It is entertaining

Cons.

The animation can be too uncanny valley

The ending is a little too manic

It has pacing issues

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Dear Santa: Jack Black Goes Lame

Summary

The tamest adult comedy film ever.

So I was surprised to see the age rating of this film on Paramount Plus as I was sure that it was family friendly. It is a film about summoning the Devil, Jack Black, and it is about as scary and edgy as having an egg and cress sandwich that has an uneven number of pieces of cress on it.

They try to clear this up later by saying Black is not actually the Devil, rather a demon, but that still doesn’t explain in any way the tameness, honestly nothing even remotely adult happens and I have no idea how it got the rating it got.

Moreover, the ending which sees the couple’s dead kid resurrected as a result of a Christmas good deed granted by a demon, is all kinds of messed up. The religious stuff to one side for a moment, the idea that for any parents who may be watching that they can just wish their kid back is just cruel and it reminds them of their pain and loss and how in reality that won’t work. It just feels very much in bad taste.

Overall, a weak and disappointing Christmas comedy.

1.5/5

Pros.

It has one good laugh

It is short

Cons.

For the most part it isn’t funny

It is too tame

The ending is weird and uncomfortable

Black feels miscast

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Nutcrackers: The Season Begins In Earnest

Summary

Ben Stiller goes heartfelt for Christmas.

So David Gordon Green has been in a run of bad luck recently, the third Halloween Film, the first and last of his trilogy of Exorcist films and then this. This film does have some charm but reads a little like the more earnest comedies of about ten years ago mixed with Wes Anderson. In execution I would say it is derivative in intent but I would say that it doesn’t do it well enough to be even close to other similar films.

Honestly this is a film we have all seen too many times before, Ben Stiller plays an uncle called in to watch over his nephews after the death of their mother. It is only supposed to be for a few days until they find them a home, but can you guess what folks? He never leaves. Who could have guessed that. The fact of the matter is the film sets up Stiller’s character as this workaholic who lives for his job and yet he is all too quick to just give it up later in the film when they move in a different direction, this workaholic doesn’t even fight for it.

I think my major issue with the film is that the emotion just doesn’t feel genuine at any point. It feels insincere and in a film like this that is important.

Overall, it is clear what they were going for but it just didn’t stick the landing.

2/5

Pros.

It tries to be earnest

It does have a couple of sweet moments

Cons.

The emotion doesn’t feel real

It has pacing issues

The character motivations are bad

It has been done before

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Venom The Last Dance: Going Down Dancing

Summary

Venom goes out with a bang.

I liked this more than Let There Be Carnage in a number of ways, I thought the Eddie, Tom Hardy, and Venom relationship was better here and felt less clawing with the humour. You do believe the bond between the two and in the end when it looks like Venom dies you do feel that emotional gut punch.

I also liked seeing Knull, Andy Serkis, and the threat posed by him. I know Venom isn’t really dead but I would genuinely like a fourth film where Venom has to rally the SSU Avengers and get them together with a Spider-person in order to fight Knull. It would be a spectacle not on the level of Endgame but certainly on the level of Days Of Future Past.

I think the human villain played by Baron Mordo, is a bit one note and week. I would argue that Chiwetel Ejiofor is wasted in the role, and that his character is not given much in terms of character, he hates symbiotes and then he doesn’t. Its very night and day and reeks of a bad script.

Overall, a slight sad ending that sets up genuinely interesting things for the future.

3/5

Pros.

Eddie and Venom

The emotion

Knull

Cons.

The human villain

A weak script

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The Life And Many Deaths Of Christopher Lee: A Tribute To An Icon

Summary

A film about the life and times of a British cinema legend Christopher Lee.

So I have been having some what of a Christopher Lee kick recently as you might have been able to tell if you keep up with my reviews and as such when I saw this film existed I knew I needed to watch it.

I fully believe that this film can make anyone into a fan of Lee, not only is it informative but also funny and very personable. Whether it is finding out that Lee fronted a metal band later in life, or his exasperation at being called a horror icon by a BBC journalist and the following strop, it is impossible to end the film not liking him.

The documentary also has insight from some key industry figures particularly if you like horror, Joe Dante and John Landis both give insights into a man they knew well, as well as his family. I think your enjoyment of this film will be enhanced if you are a fan of Lee or horror generally, but I would argue you could still enjoy it regardless.

I would argue that they could have got a talking head from his later career maybe someone from his Burton or Star Wars era, but they did counter this by getting Peter Jackson to talk about his role in the Lord of the Rings.

Overall, a wonderful loving film about an icon of Cinema.’

4.5/5

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Spellbound: Rachel Zegler Is Banned From The Press Tour

Summary

Kids learn about the wonders of divorce from an early age.

So the plot of this film is that a royal couple argue a lot and it turns them into monsters and only when they realise that they cannot be together any more can they turn back into their old selves. Is that message on the nose enough for you? Or does it need to reach into your living room and clip you around the ears?

Moreover, the film stars one of the most unlikeable people in Hollywood right now in Rachel Zegler, who is an overly opinionated young person who thinks she knows better than people twice her age. The question is am I talking about Zegler the person or her character in the film? It’s a trick question, the answer is both.

Furthermore, even with all of that aside the film has no charm, when you consider that the director is the same person who directed the original Shrek one of the most charming animated films ever, you are left to question what happened?

Overall, Skydance animation really need to overhaul their approach because so far they have been making dud after dud and surely they can’t afford to keep that going forever.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons

Zegler

The message

It is generic

It is badly paced

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Gladiator II: The Hip Hop Modern Day Sequel No One Wanted

Summary

Give the people reheated slop and will they not eat of it?

So where to begin with this, could it be in all the homoeroticism they put into it as rather than just allowing it to be a film for men to enjoy with the violent spectacle of it all, we now have everything to have to have an LGBTQ+ undertone otherwise that one blue haired woman online will call the filmmakers ists and phobes.

Could it be that the first film ended on just the right note as to feel well wrapped up and as such a sequel felt incredibly unnecessary and only done for the money? As this film does little to add to the first, you could argue that it tries its best to pay tribute to it, but it does so in such a small way that in the end it doesn’t even matter.

Fresh off the indie circuit Paul Mescal is placed into a leading action role, even though the idea of him as a leading man is questionable. In terms of being an action hero he has none of the swagger and is easily upstaged by Denzel Washington at almost every turn, maybe that was contracted in.

I think the major issue with this film is that it is entirely needless and it feels like that to watch it.

Overall, a waste of everyone’s time and money

1.5/5

Pros.

It has one good fight scene

Cons.

They try and modernise it

It doesn’t need to exist

Paul Mescal isn’t an action lead

It is badly paced and structured

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Moana Two: Sailing The Seas Of Mediocrity

Summary

We take to the seas once again, why? Well there isn’t really a reason for that.

This film is one of the worst written animated films I have seen in a long while. It is abundantly clear that Disney just think that kids and families will eat up any old slop so what’s the point trying to make it good.

Moreover, much like more soulful animated fare from this year like The Wild Robot there is no charm here. They try and have it be oh this is a big emotional journey and it wants to make you feel, but you don’t. It is hollow and soulless and at times feels like they have taken the carcass of the first film ripped any remaining meat from its withered bones and just thrown it out in cinemas.

I question narratively what is the point in this film it doesn’t really change the status quo all that much and it doesn’t develop the characters in any meaningful way, it just feels like you’re going through the motions repeating things you liked more in the previous film.

Overall, don’t waste your kids life on substandard animated films.

1/5

Pros.

The water looks pretty

Cons.

It is a cash grab

It adds nothing to the characters or the world

It has no charm

It is boring

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