Pinocchio: Chapek Is Spitting On The Disney Vault

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another unwanted live-action remake of a classic Disney movie.

As soon as this was announced I knew it was going to be bad, but boy howdy did I not realise just how bad it was going to be. Disney has been churning out these soulless remake for a while now and for some reason people are still watching them, maybe it is part of a masochistic new TikTok trend.

I think the worst thing about this film is that its CGI looks straight up horrible, it looks like something from several decades ago and is frequently distracting. I understand that Disney and their various studios are having a hard time with VFX talent, but come on these effects are nowhere near finished and it shows. This is probably why they dumped this on streaming because they know it wouldn’t fly in cinemas.

Moreover, this film reflects the continued downswing of Tom Hank’s career with his performance here being almost as bad as his one in Elvis earlier this year. It is not just Hanks as no one seems to be turning up for this film and it really shows, the cast just don’t care.

I won’t bother saying how this film never does anything to justify its existence as I find that to be self-explanatory.

Overall, if it is a Disney live action remake it is best avoided.

Pros.

It makes you appreciate the original film

Cons.

It has some of the worst effects of the year

The performances are awful

It feels rushed and unready for release

The pacing is noticeably bad in many parts of the film

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House Of The Dragon: King Of The Narrow Sea

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Daemon, played by Matt Smith, returns to court and Rhaenyra, played by Milly Alcock, hits the town.

Things slow down a gear, but that doesn’t make this a bad episode. It is far more intimate and character driven than some of the previous episode we have had and we get a far greater exploration of Rhaenyra as a character.

I enjoyed the sex positive approach this episode took and think that we should see more content like it, for too long young women have been taught to repress their sexual urges and to be chaste, old fashion sounding but surprisingly common practice, so I think it is a good thing that Rhaenyra takes what she wants here in a sexual sense.

I also thought the complete destruction of Otto Hightower, played by Rhys Ifans, was very satisfying. All season long he has been slimy so it is nice to finally see him get his, even though he will probably be back at it in the next episode.

My main criticism of this episode would be that it was the first to really struggle with its pace in a major way and that by having such a personal focus there are a few boring sequences.

Overall, an episode that does a lot right but that also struggles with its pacing.

Pros.

The sex positive approach

The destruction of Otto Hightower

The character focus

Matt Smith is great again

Cons.

The pacing

A few needless asides

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Three Thousand Years Of Longing: Idris Elba Topless For Almost Two Hours

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A woman, played by Tilda Swinton, meets a djinn, played by Idris Elba, and the experience changes her life.

I think the trailers for this film are misleading, they make it seem whimsical and fun when in actual fact there is a quite a sad and melancholic tone that runs throughout the film. In that vein you are never quite sure whether anything that is happening actually is or whether it is actually Swinton’s character slipping into mental illness as such there is a quite an unsettling aspect to proceedings. It will be one of those instances where how you choose to see the film will determine what you take from it, but for me the lead’s mental illness was clear and that took away a lot of the joy for me of this film and actually made it quite sad and depressing.

Moreover, though usually Tilda Swinton is a gifted performer her performance her leaves something to be desired. This is main due to the fact that the Northern accent she is trying to do is quite frankly awful, Swinton is laying it on far too thick and as someone from that neck of the woods I can say with confidence that it is laughably bad.

The only reason that this film got a point from me is because some of its more absurdist comedic leanings made me laugh, believe me this is not a funny film by any means but there were one or two laughs that worked for me.

Overall, not an enjoyable time at the cinema.

Pros.

A few laughs to be had

Cons.

It is depressing

It is unsettling

Swinton’s accent is awful

It is badly paced

House Of The Dragon: Second Of His Name

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The question of who Rhaenyra, played by Milly Alcock, will marry continues to be an issue and Daemon, played by Matt Smith, wins a blood soaked victory.

I truly think that with this episode House Of The Dragon fully manages to live up to the high standard set by the peak of Game Of Thrones. The battle sequence towards the end of the episode with Daemon is truly a majestic feat of television and is as visceral as it is captivating. The episode really comes alive during this part.

I also enjoyed the focus this episode placed on the relationship between Rhaenyra and her father, played by Paddy Considine. I think it is nice to see such a progressive character on Game Of Thrones and it is heartening to see a character within this setting not force their daughter into an unhappy marriage. I think much like the Daemon sequence captures the action of peak GOT, these quieter court scenes also capture the other half of GOT at its best as well.

Overall, a fantastic episode of television, my only complaint is that we couldn’t have had more of it.

Pros.

The Daemon action sequence

The scope and intensity

The quiet court scenes

Putting a focus on the relationship between Rhaenyra and her father

The ending

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The Rings Of Power: My Experience And Why I Won’t Be Reviewing It, Beyond The First Episode

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A new Middle Earth saga begins, one that will leave few happy.

So this will be part review part what went wrong. If you can’t already see, I didn’t enjoy my time with the show.

Let’s get the obvious low hanging fruit out of the way first, yes there is a lot of quiet clear forced diversity in the show, as that seems to be the only thing Hollywood wants to do these days, and yes all of the male characters that Galadriel, played by Morfydd Clark, comes into contact with are weak and stupid and whilst both of these things are mildly annoying I would not say they are the main issue.

I think the thing that made this first episode so hard to watch, indeed I had to watch it in parts because I could only stomach about 20 minutes of it at a time, is the pacing. The pacing is simply awful, not only does very, very little happen but the episodes are on for way too long and drawing out the episodes only further highlights how empty they are.

Honestly, I don’t think this show needed to exist, I think Amazon made it to try and have their own Game Of Thrones after The Wheel Of Time didn’t turn into what they wanted it to be, and I think that is very clear in every frame. For the record I don’t think this show will ever hold a candle to Game Of Thrones unless they make drastic changes to it, which they won’t.

Overall, sadly this show was what a lot of people feared it might be, needless.

Pros.

The visuals are good but you would expect that for the money spent

Clark makes a good Galadriel

Cons.

The forced in identity politics

The pace

The lack of anything really happening

It doesn’t justify its existence

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House Of The Dragon: The Rogue Prince

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Prince Daemon, played by Matt Smith, further builds his power as King Viserys, played by Paddy Considine, is forced to seek out a new wife.

I think this episode builds on the strengths of the last and doubles down on the intrigue. It is still not quite on the level of Game Of Thrones at its peak but it is starting to come into its own for sure.

I think Matt Smith is still the scene stealer, however Milly Alcock’s Princess Rhaenyra is starting to also approach his level. The dual dragon stand off that happened towards the episode was really tense and impressive, I think the scene worked without the dragons even needing to fight: the scale and VFX on display really landed.

I also liked that the final moments of the episode introduced us to a new big bad for the series, whether they are only a minor season villain or something bigger remains to be seen, however, it does now allow the story to have more to drive towards. Hopefully this new villain can be developed further in the coming episodes.

Overall, a strong second episode that keeps the promise alive.

Pros.

Dare I allow myself to hope again?

The Dragonstone sequence

The new villain introduction

Smith and Alcock continue to be stand outs

Cons.

Some of the King’s Landing scenes were a little too slow paced.

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Luck: Mindless Slop That Isn’t Worth Your Kids Time

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Unlucky Sam, voiced by Eva Nobelzada, discovers the world of luck.

I have written before about the fact that often animated films aimed at families and children don’t feel the need to try to be good or to match the standards that people would expect from films with the idea that children will eat up any old slop, and this really does embody that idea.

In many ways this film feels dead behind the eyes and truly soulless, there is nothing of meaningful substance here, instead it just went through the motions and churned out tired fantasy tropes that we have seen again and again. They also force in some songs for who knows what reason, probably because a focus group recommended it, and in these song and dance numbers we get another good luck at again studio executives trying to pander to the youth of today in the most cringe way.

I think the vocal performances across the board were nearly consistently terrible, with Nobezada sound bored and asleep at the wheel with the line delivery of low battery robot and Simon Pegg doing his best Mike Myers as Shrek impression. I am a huge fan of Pegg as an actor but I question why he was cast here, he really doesn’t bring much to the film and someone possessing a real Scottish accent who is also a talented voice actor say someone like James McAvoy could have done a much better job of it.

Overall, don’t subject your kids to this, they won’t look at you the same way afterwards.

Pros.

It is pretty bad but it is not unwatchable or offensive

Cons.

Nobelzada

Pegg

The story is stupid and contrived

The songs

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Big Trouble In Little China: Kurt Russell Takes On Asian Stereotypes

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Kurt Russell fights Chinese demons and some of the worst special effects of his career.

I know this film is a beloved classic to some, and I wanted to like it to, but I just didn’t really gel with it.

The satire becomes so try hardy and desperate as the film progresses that it almost feels like it is reaching out and tapping the audiences saying, ‘remember this trope from action movies, we are twisting it aren’t we clever’, constantly looking for validation. I didn’t find it particularly funny either.

The special effects are dicey at best, why Carpenter thought using so many of them especially when they look so bad was a good idea is beyond me. Moreover, a lot of the depictions of magical Chinese or Asian people in this film feels like it was out of date at the time, which is what I suppose the film is mocking, but still it feels troubling to watch.

In addition, I didn’t find Kurt Russell particularly likeable here, I understand what the filmmakers were going for with his character but more often than not he just comes across as kind of an arse and it makes him hard to root for. James Hong on the other hand is great here, he is clearly having a lot of fun and when the film lets him go fully wild he embraces it to the Nth degree.

Overall, a flawed Carpenter film that doesn’t live up to his other greats.

Pros.

Hong

It is unintentionally funny quite a lot

It is watchable

Cons.

Russell

The racial undertones

The special effects

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Green Lantern: The Endless Horrors Of CGI

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The time when DC fundamentally screwed up on of their most popular characters.

This film has become a joke amongst fans of comic book cinema, and the jarring contrast between this and the contemporary Nolan Batman trilogy is blindly clear, where one is dark and gritty the other ops for poorly done CGI and a garish colour pallet and where one is good the other is this film. Pretty stark.

I think it is pretty clear throughout this film that Ryan Reynold’s doesn’t want to be there as his performance is lifeless, as such it is very hard to care about his character at all which leads to you switching off more and more whilst watching it. I also think having his whole costume be CGI was a terrible decision that becomes noticeably distracting as the film goes along.

In terms of how this film treats its characters and the wider DCEU lore, it cherry picks a few things and somewhat explains them, though not in a way a non-comic reading audience would understand. Worse yet it also manages to bastardise a lot of things and change characters and concepts from the comics for no real valid reason. These two things combined managed to alienate both the comic readers an the non-comic readers, well played DC.

Overall, boring, lifeless and not a fun time.

Pros.

It lead to some good memes

Cons.

The characters are awful

It dumps on wider DC lore

The CGI suit

It is incredibly dumb and generic

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The Sea Beast: An Underwater How To Train Your Dragon

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

In a world of Hunters and Sea Beasts, the two sides finally realise that the real evil in the world are corrupt monarchies that pit them against each other.

I thought that this was one of the best Netflix originals that I have seen in some time. I enjoyed the world and the characters tremendously and thought that it had a lot to say about life and about the current state of our own world. I also enjoyed the fact that every time Karl Urban spoke he reminded me of his character from The Boys, the accents are basically the same, that gave me some happy flashbacks.

The film as a whole has a strong How To Train Your Dragon’s vibe, with some plot elements feeling almost beat for beat the same. However, where in other instances I would lambast this film for its lack of creativity and originality I actually like the elements here on display despite the fact they are so obviously copied over. I thought that the sea beast that we meet are all quite memorable and cute looking; Netflix really should start selling more merch from their films and shows.

My issues with the film mainly come from a pacing perspective as I think this film could do with being about twenty minutes shorter as there is a lot of needless bloat wherein not much happens around the second act, which could be removed to the film’s betterment.

Overall, fun but not perfect.

Pros.

The ending

The sea beasts themselves

It is a lot of fun

Urban

Cons.

The pacing

It is very familiar

It doesn’t service all its characters and a lot of them remain undeveloped

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