Death On The Nile: Cancel The Gal Gadot Cleopatra Film Right Now

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Hercule Poirot, played by Kenneth Branagh, is back and this time he is trying to solve a murder that takes place on a steamboat.

To address the elephant in the room first, obviously it is unfortunate that this film features alleged cannibal sexual predator Armie Harmer in such a large role, but it is what it is and they filmed it before the allegations came to light so for the most part I just tried to ignore it.

This was a mixed bag of a film. To the film’s strength it boasts a terrific performance from director/ star Branagh who really taps into the emotion of the character and gives us a peak behind the curtain in a way the first film never did, the latter stages of the film really highlight this. Moreover, newcomer Emma Mackey is also terrific and steals a lot of the scenes she appears in.

However, to its detriment the pacing is awful and it feels like the film has been on for hours before the plot-forwarding murder even happens. This is a result of the first act dragging horribly, it is also wildly inaccurate to the time period with music and dancing that belongs in a different era entirely, Branagh seems to be growing bored with the period setting here.

Worse yet, the film features some incredibly on the nose product placement for Tiffanies, perhaps on the same level as Crispy Kreme in the Power Rangers film everyone has forgotten about now.

The worst thing about this film is Gal Gadot. I have defended Gadot against a lot of in my opinion unfair criticism, I think she makes a fine Wonder Woman, however here her serious lack of acting chops really shows, as she is unable to do any accent other than her own, or emote, basic stuff. When she is finally removed from play, midway into the film, you are grateful as she was quite clearly miscast.

Overall, a fun if flawed second film.

Pros.

Branagh as Poirot

Mackey

The mystery

Cons.

The pacing made worse by the awful first act

Gadot

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The Hobbit An Unexpected Journey: Greed Is Not Limited To Dragons

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Lord Of The Ring’s disappointing cousin.

As some of you may know The Lord Of The Rings is one of my favourite trilogies ever, so much so that I may never review them: as even the concept of having to think critically about something I care so deeply about seems hard. However, the Hobbit and it’s various sequels are fair game.

Like many people when I watched An Unexpected Journey in the cinema for the first time I was mixed, and then in the short term afterwards I grew more negative towards the film. However, with time I found within me a fondness for this trilogy so I decided to go back to it, and after all these years I can honestly say that this film was okay, not great, not terrible.

This film has a lot going for it Tolkien’s fantastic world, strong source material and a good cast with the likes of Martin Freeman, Aiden Turner and Richard Armitage and for the most part these factors stop the film from being awful and even create positive feelings towards the Hobbit trilogy, then you get to the ending and yeah…….. Then you remember why everyone dislikes the Hobbit films.

The rather obvious issue with these films as many have pointed out in the past is the pacing. Now I have nothing against the long run times of these films, but I do take umbrage when I feel the audience is being exploited, as in to take a short story contained within one book and then turning it into three films. When we reach the end of the film and realise that we aren’t even going to see Smaug basically at all, it feels as though you have been cheated. It feels like a smack in the face and an executive laughing at you saying, ‘oh better come back for the sequel’.

This clear mentality is what I think really harms this film and its sequels.

Overall, exploitative but not without promise.

Pros.

The cast

The world

There is fun to be had

Cons.

The pacing

The unmistakable feeling of corporate greed

Pam And Tommy: Drilling And Pounding

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An opening episode with all the depth and nuance of a puddle of sick, which often revels in its crass vulgarities thinking that simply by being shocking the series can be entertaining.

Honestly, I can’t understand why this show is getting good reviews? I am bemused by it. Within the first episode I found nearly all the characters to be so loathsome and unpleasant that I had trouble finishing it. If Tommy Lee, here played by Sebastian Stan, did indeed behave like that in real life he should be in prison, and if not he should sue this show for defamation.

Moreover, I am no prude, but this episode was needly vulgar every step of the way, I don’t know why it needed to be. Did the show think this would make it funny? Is it trying to make some kind of comment on the lifestyles of the rich and famous? Is it supposed to be shocking? I don’t know the answers to these questions dear reader, but I do know that after the hundredth ‘oh yeah do you like that’, that it becomes cringe and feels like it is trying too hard.

Also I have not seen the whole series yet so I can’t comment fully, but it seems to me that in the little we see of Lily James’ Pamela Anderson here, she is being sexualised. Which maybe they will do more with her over the course of the series and they will give her some nuance, but I doubt it. Objectification very clearly on display.

I also think it is worth noting that the real life Anderson, did not want this show to be made. So it is a show about a deeply intimate and embarrassing moment of her life being made without her consent. Ponder that.

Overall, I don’t think I’ll be returning for episode two.

Pros.

At least they didn’t have alleged sexual predator James Franco staring in it like they were going to

Cons.

Everyone in it is deeply unlikeable

It is trying to hard to be gross out and adult

It is vulgar

Lily James’s Anderson is being objectified

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The Tragedy Of Macbeth: One For The Art House Crowd And Not Many More

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A retelling of Macbeth with Denzel Washington and Frances McDormand in the leading roles, no more is needed.

I am sure the art house attendees will love this film; I however was decidedly less impressed. I think the performances from Washington and McDormand are good, not Oscar worthy but good, and the style of the film is cool to look at, but really other than that I struggle to see what is so impressive about this film.

It does little different to any other Macbeth adaption you have seen and though it tries to differentiate itself with its style it is only partially successful. Furthermore, the language choice of old Shakespearian English will be a barrier to entry for some, just as it was with the Fassbender adaption that tried a similar thing only a few years prior; and is probably the better of the two.

Perhaps I am a philistine but through most of this film I was bored. I had seen it all before and though Washington and McDormand are good they are not good enough to get me to invest in something I have already seen before. Moreover, despite clocking in at less than two hours this feels much, much longer and will test the patience of most moviegoers.

Overall, don’t believe the hype.

Pros.

Washington and McDormand

The style

The story is a literary classic

Cons.

There is little new here

The style doesn’t add enough

It is badly paced

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Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: Disney Coming In To Ruin Another Franchise

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A new animated take on the Diary Of A Wimpy Kid books by Jeff Kinney.

Where to begin on what went wrong with this film.

I think the most obvious place to start is that this film is a carbon copy of the much better live action version, it lifts scenes and lines of dialogue from that film and that just serves to remind you how needless this film really is, it is an animated reskin of a better product that came out just long ago enough for kids today to not remember it.

Speaking of the animation there is something noticeably off with it. I can’t quite put my finger on what is wrong, but there is certainly something going wrong with the lighting and the framing of it a lot of the time throughout the film. The animation style itself is fairly ugly, I understand they have chosen it to look closer to the books however it looks cheap and low rent.

The voice cast for the most part is doing their best to mimic the performances from the beloved live action films, and whilst in a few cases the effort is valiant, it never really rises to the occasion and lacks a lot of the charm and the warmth that made the performances in the live action films what they were.

Overall, entirely needless.

Pros.

It is short and if you close your eyes at times it feels like you are watching the live action version.

Cons.

The animation is off

It feels wholly unneeded and unoriginal

It is unfunny

It lacks any charm or warmth

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10 Things I Hate About You: Getting Paid To Date, The Solution To An Aging Population

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A modern remix of Shakespeare’s The Taming Of The Shrew.

Honestly upon watching this for the first time I don’t see what so many people like about it, it just seems like a fairly generic teen movie about the perils of dating and the horrors of high school. Couple this with a wealth of outdated views and yes, I didn’t see what the big deal was about.

I thought the film had some heart, not all the time, but in parts it did come through sweetly. I found myself enjoying the relationship between Julia Stiles’ character and Heath Ledger’s, those were the only characters that I found myself rooting for and if anything this film just served to remind me how much I miss Ledger. Both Ledger and Stiles do their best to elevate the source material, and give this film some kind of personality outside of Shakespeare. However, the over-reliance on cliches and thoroughly predictable dramas drag this film back down again.

Overall, I didn’t see the appeal of this one it reminded me of just another teenage high school movie. Yes, it had heart in some places but it also had multitudes of cliches and more than its fair share of iffy moments. A mixed bag.

Pros.

Hedger

A few sweet moments

Cons.

The Shakespearian dialogue really felt out of place

It had pacing issues

It felt deeply generic

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Dune: Adapting The Unadaptable

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The prestigious house of Atreides is given the fiefdom of the planet Arrakis and is forced further into a blood war between the previous rulers of the planet and its natural inhabitants.

I will say right off the bat I have recently developed a dislike for Denis Villeneuve as his ego has really come to light, and much like Christopher Nolan he seems to think his films are works of art and worse yet that he can tell people how to watch them. Much like Nolan, Villeneuve has also launched a series of outdated, out of touch attacks on streaming services which acts as a further point of irritation. However, for the purposes of this review I will put my thoughts about the man aside and just focus on the film.

For the most part this is a stellar adaption of the classic science fiction novel, I am currently reading the book to further my understanding of this film and I have to say there are scenes in it that feel directly translated with such precise attention to detail that you can really feel the love for the text coming through. Obviously, there are a few things cut out for brevity here and there such as a wider backstory for Dr Yueh, played by Chang Chen, which I feel hurts the film but for the most part this is a very faithful and well done adaption.

In terms of aesthetics and CGI this film is a dream, it has a clear and distinct style and is honestly beautiful to look at. The world feels so real and so refreshingly new it reminds one of watching Avatar for the first time. The only time I noticed the CGI looking a little patchy would be in one of the future, vison, battle scenes in which Paul, played by Timothee Chalamet, envisions himself fighting alongside the natives in battle armour and at one point in the conflict his face covering comes off and the effects on the characters face are poor.

In terms of performances it is strong across the board, everyone has a moment to shine, except for Chalamet and Zendaya. Zendaya is not given much to do beyond be the person Paul sees in his visons and is likely be saved more for the second film. Whereas Chalamet drifts through the whole film with an indifference that borders on boredom. I understand that once he gets the sight in the novel Paul becomes a little detached, but Chalamet is instead like that throughout even before he gets the ability to see into the future.

Overall, a strong adaption with only minor issues.

Pros.

Well realised

Beautiful CGI

A distinct personality

Mostly good performances

Cons.

Chalamet

Pacing issues and leaving some important things out

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The Haunting: Nothing Is Scarier Than Poor CGI

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of insomniacs gather at an old mansion for what they think is a sleep survey, whilst in fact it is a study on fear.

Nighties era CGI really was terrible wasn’t it? Whenever there is a scene featuring a ghost in this film, because of the choice of CGI, it is more funny than scary- it is unintentionally hilarious. This film should have gone with practical effects for its horror as many older films did and some still do today, because the alternative is this and this is downright Scorpion King levels of bad.

The acting is at best spotty at worst weak. There are some personal favourites of mine in this film with Liam Neeson and Owen Wilson both being present however they are given nothing to do and are mostly wasted. Wilson particularly has poor dialogue. The screenplay for this film reads as someone who has never written one before using a screen writing for dummies book to try and get through it, whilst remaining untalented.

The worst thing I found with this film was the pacing, there was big gaps of time without anything really happening only to be punctuated with a terribly written cliched bit of dialogue. It was hard to get through.

Overall, an unscary film with laughably bad CGI.

Pros.

A few interesting ideas

Owen Wilson is still as charming as ever

Cons.

The actors are wasted

The CGI

It is not scary

Pacing issues

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The Witcher Nightmare Of The Wolf: Netflix Needs A New Animation Style

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Vesemir, voiced by Theo James, becomes wrapped up in a frightening series of monster attacks that seem different to anything he has ever encountered before.

Why do all of Netflix’s animated offerings look the same? I am not saying the art style doesn’t work, but I am saying that I want more diversity and variation within their animated output. I don’t like the fact you can’t tell this apart from Castlevania.

Moreover, the storyline here is so trite that I question anyone’s need to watch this film as they have seen it all before. Hated group has to work with those that hate them and then those that hate them turn on them it is so played out. I am a big fan of the Witcher books/games/TV show and as such I know that this storyline could have been done better. The evil mage who is anti-Witcher is so clear cut the twist reveal of oh actually she is evil doesn’t work as you already knew it, and it feels like the film gives it away early on.

Whatsmore, the tag at the end that showed Geralt felt ham-fisted. We all know where the story is going, we all know that Geralt is coming, however stuffing him in here feels like badly done fan service.

Overall, deeply bog standard.

Pros.

The fight scenes

A deeper look into Witcher lore
Theo James as Vesemir

Cons.

The end sting

The animation style and its overuse

The bland story

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Fear Street Part Two: What Is More Cliche In Horror Than A Summer Camp

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Fear Street saga continues as we go into the past to follow the story of the only person to ever have survived a run in with the witch, and her undead minions.

Though this is a good film in its own right, it is also certainly a step back from the previous film. Maybe the American summer camp has been done to death as a horror location, in fact there is no maybe about it. So seeing it in all its cliched infamy here hurts the film as it lessens the quality and the originality.

Moreover, I found Sadie Sink to be a fine lead. Though she does get more than her fair share of the lime light and a lot of the side characters including her sister are given very little and are deeply underserved as a result. I enjoyed the few scenes we get with Gillian Jacobs she is very talented and brings a lot to the film, hopefully we get to see more of her in the final entry.

In terms of scares this is quite on a par with the first film with each of them having a few good scares here and there without feeling scary as a whole. Honestly, I found the horrific bullying in this film more traumatic than the undead killers. I will assume that was not how the film wanted it to be.

Overall, though this film is good the cracks and crucially the cliches are starting to show through.

Pros.

Gillian Jacobs

Sadie Sink

A few good scares

Cons.

For the most part not scary

The side characters, even those important to the plot, are pushed to the side

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