House Of The Dragon: Second Of His Name

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The question of who Rhaenyra, played by Milly Alcock, will marry continues to be an issue and Daemon, played by Matt Smith, wins a blood soaked victory.

I truly think that with this episode House Of The Dragon fully manages to live up to the high standard set by the peak of Game Of Thrones. The battle sequence towards the end of the episode with Daemon is truly a majestic feat of television and is as visceral as it is captivating. The episode really comes alive during this part.

I also enjoyed the focus this episode placed on the relationship between Rhaenyra and her father, played by Paddy Considine. I think it is nice to see such a progressive character on Game Of Thrones and it is heartening to see a character within this setting not force their daughter into an unhappy marriage. I think much like the Daemon sequence captures the action of peak GOT, these quieter court scenes also capture the other half of GOT at its best as well.

Overall, a fantastic episode of television, my only complaint is that we couldn’t have had more of it.

Pros.

The Daemon action sequence

The scope and intensity

The quiet court scenes

Putting a focus on the relationship between Rhaenyra and her father

The ending

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The Rings Of Power: My Experience And Why I Won’t Be Reviewing It, Beyond The First Episode

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A new Middle Earth saga begins, one that will leave few happy.

So this will be part review part what went wrong. If you can’t already see, I didn’t enjoy my time with the show.

Let’s get the obvious low hanging fruit out of the way first, yes there is a lot of quiet clear forced diversity in the show, as that seems to be the only thing Hollywood wants to do these days, and yes all of the male characters that Galadriel, played by Morfydd Clark, comes into contact with are weak and stupid and whilst both of these things are mildly annoying I would not say they are the main issue.

I think the thing that made this first episode so hard to watch, indeed I had to watch it in parts because I could only stomach about 20 minutes of it at a time, is the pacing. The pacing is simply awful, not only does very, very little happen but the episodes are on for way too long and drawing out the episodes only further highlights how empty they are.

Honestly, I don’t think this show needed to exist, I think Amazon made it to try and have their own Game Of Thrones after The Wheel Of Time didn’t turn into what they wanted it to be, and I think that is very clear in every frame. For the record I don’t think this show will ever hold a candle to Game Of Thrones unless they make drastic changes to it, which they won’t.

Overall, sadly this show was what a lot of people feared it might be, needless.

Pros.

The visuals are good but you would expect that for the money spent

Clark makes a good Galadriel

Cons.

The forced in identity politics

The pace

The lack of anything really happening

It doesn’t justify its existence

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House Of The Dragon: The Rogue Prince

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Prince Daemon, played by Matt Smith, further builds his power as King Viserys, played by Paddy Considine, is forced to seek out a new wife.

I think this episode builds on the strengths of the last and doubles down on the intrigue. It is still not quite on the level of Game Of Thrones at its peak but it is starting to come into its own for sure.

I think Matt Smith is still the scene stealer, however Milly Alcock’s Princess Rhaenyra is starting to also approach his level. The dual dragon stand off that happened towards the episode was really tense and impressive, I think the scene worked without the dragons even needing to fight: the scale and VFX on display really landed.

I also liked that the final moments of the episode introduced us to a new big bad for the series, whether they are only a minor season villain or something bigger remains to be seen, however, it does now allow the story to have more to drive towards. Hopefully this new villain can be developed further in the coming episodes.

Overall, a strong second episode that keeps the promise alive.

Pros.

Dare I allow myself to hope again?

The Dragonstone sequence

The new villain introduction

Smith and Alcock continue to be stand outs

Cons.

Some of the King’s Landing scenes were a little too slow paced.

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Fifty Shades Of Grey: Porn For Old Ladies

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The film that made middle aged ladies everywhere quiver.

Let’s get this out of the way straight off the bat, the way this film portrays relationships is deeply unhealthy and the message it prompts that this is a good relationship that the characters actively enjoy speaks to the wider toxicity of the film. No young woman should become essentially a slave to her boyfriend, it is wrong.

When this film came out a lot of people spoke about it as though it was the most titillating thing to ever exist, however, in reality having watched it for the first time recently years after it came out I find the film incredibly tame. Moreover, it goes without saying that if you are going to the cinema to get your giddy thrills whilst watching this film, there is a much easier and more effective way that you can do just from the comfort of your own home for free. This film feels far too clinical and scripted to every approach anything that could even be confused with sexy.

I think the biggest issue here is that the performances from both James Doran and Dakota Johnson are just so wooden and stiff that the film is essentially doomed from the outset. As this is a ‘romance film’, the strength of the feature lives or dies on the chemistry of the leads and in this case it dies, painfully.

Overall, I don’t see why this film was popular nor do I understand why it had sequels

Pros.

It is laughably bad at times

Cons.

The message is toxic

It is not hot in any way

It is deeply cringe

The leads have no chemistry

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The Forgiven: Repentance At What Cost?

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hit and run in the mountains of Morocco changes a man’s’, played by Ralph Fiennes, life forever.

I think this film is quite odd and won’t be what a lot of people are expecting. The trailer for the film gives off somewhat of a thriller vibe, but it is far more meditative than that. This film touches on notions of greed and culture clash as well as the value of life, in many ways this is far more of a tense drama film than anything else.

Fiennes is terrific, as he often is, and is flanked by a sea of other talented faces with Jessica Chastain, Matt Smith and Saïd Taghmaoui also being outstanding. However, I think due to the vast cast some of the other performers are somewhat overlooked and not given much to do, which is a shame.

Widely, I really enjoyed the weighty themes of this film and the message it was trying to hammer home. Moreover, I thought the juxtaposition of extreme wealth as encapsulated by the party and extreme poverty as captured by the nomad village really spoke to society more broadly and certainly left you with something to think about.

Overall, not quite what was advertised, but something that is equal parts layered and smart.

Pros.

The subtext

The themes explored

The performances

The ending

Cons.

Some of the wider cast is wasted

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Persuasion: Watching A Book Burning Would Be More Entertaining Than This

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Netflix uses a beloved classic novel as toilet paper.

I could have told you the exact second this was announced that it would be awful. Netflix has proven they lack any kind of sensibility that would allow them to properly pull off an Austen adaption, think of Emma from a few years ago now Netflix would never make a film like that. No, rather instead Netflix has to modernise, Netflix has to Americanise and crucially Netflix has to turn any period piece they try and adapt in to Bridgerton. All three of these things combined lead this film to be truly abysmal.

Moreover, wherein Austen’s words are timeless the script presented here not only doesn’t know what it wants to be but does decide on being cringe at every available opportunity. In addition whilst diversity is always a welcome thing, here it is quite clearly cynically forced into proceedings just for the sake of no one trying to cancel them. This again feels like a very American move.

In addition whoever is Dakota Johnson’s agent needs to be fired right sharp, as her being in this just as the memory of those awful Fifty Shades Of Grey movies is starting to fade from people’s minds is entirely not what she needs at all. Worse yet she isn’t even very good in this mess of a film.

The one silver lining of this film is that it features Henry Golding and he is always charming and watchable, sadly he is having his time wasted here.

Overall, Netflix really, really need to revaluate their content output.

Pros.

Golding

Cons.

It doesn’t understand Austen or her sensibilities at all

It bastardises the characters and story as a whole

It is generic

It feels incredibly American

Johnson

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The Black Phone: Ethan Hawke Takes Off His Belt

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After being abducted a young boy, played by Mason Thames, must fight to escape armed only with the past experiences of his abductor’s other dead victims.

What is it with Scott Derrickson and dead kids? Whether its Sinister, Deliver Us From Evil or this, the director seems to use dead children as his main horror gimmick, however, I am not complaining they work incredibly well in a creepy sense. I would say the horror here is a mixture of supernatural elements along with the obvious fear surrounding a man abducting and killing kids and for the most part it works well and is incredibly effective. Moreover, for once I didn’t see the jump scares coming and the few that this film does employ made me jump each time.

I think the performance from Ethan Hawke is terrific, despite only being in the film for a short amount of time his character’s impact is felt in all areas and Hawke really does a good job of bringing The Grabber to life and rounding him out as a character. I also think Thames does a good job as the lead, which is saying something as usually child actors give distractingly bad performances, however, that was not the case here.

My only complaint would be that the sub-plot surrounding the Sister, played by Madeline McGraw, and her prophetic dreams feels a bit too filler like for my tastes. I suppose it does bare fruit in the end as it results in the police finding the boy, however, all the scenes of her on her knees calling out to Jesus feel almost a little silly.

Overall, a very enjoyable horror film boosted to no end by Hawke.

Pros.

Hawke

Thames

The scares

The ending

Cons.

The sub-plot with the sister feels like filler

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Firestarter: The Remade Stephen King Universe

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A remake of Stephen King’s Firestarter. The plot follows Charlie, played by Ryan Keira Armstrong, a young girl hunted down for her supernatural powers.

A lot of reviewers out there are giving this film very low scores and personally I can’t see why. I don’t know if they were very attached to either King’s original novel or the previous film, but I haven’t read or seen those so I can only judge this film based on its own merits and not compare it to anything else.

I thought for the most part this film was good, the tension was well done and I got vibes of Doctor Sleep in this regard. I thought John Rainbird, played by Michael Greyeyes, was fantastic until the final 10 minutes, he gave off a strong amount of supernatural intrigue as such you constantly wanted to know more about his character but the film didn’t reveal anything which I thought was a smart move. Moreover, Zac Effron also did a great job here further proving his serious acting chops, I thought during the psychic battle sequences he was incredibly.

Another highpoint for me was the score composed by John Carpenter, his son Cody Carpenter and David Davies. It felt like the perfect 80’s call back mixed with just the right amount of excitement and intensity.

However, it wasn’t all roses. I thought the CGI fire effects were poor, to make matters worse whenever Charlie used her powers the camera would cut to a close up of her face with the fires happening off screen which felt cheap and obvious. In addition, there were several moments in this film were it became unintentionally hilarious and made me laugh out loud in the cinema, I don’t think that is what the filmmakers were going for. Finally the ending of Charlie forgiving Rainbird and then going with him despite all the trauma he has inflicted upon her makes no sense and just seems forced in so that the film can have a happy ending.

Overall, above average and certainly with redeemable elements despite not being a great film.

Pros.

The score

Effron

The mystery of Rainbird

The tension

Cons.

The ending

The cheap CGI

It is unintentionally hilarious

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The Rings Of Power: The Question Of 21st Century Fantasy

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Several old faces from Carly’s past return in an effort to end her web show.

My, my how do you go from a first episode that by all accounts was very good and pushed the show as a whole forward to this? Quite frankly, this second episode might be one of the worst of the revival.

The most egregious thing is just how badly this episode wants to milk nostalgia, bringing back all of these old familiar faces to try and sue Carly, played by Miranda Cosgrove, thereby forcing in member berries in a way that couldn’t be more blatant. The court trial simply serves as a means to be like oh remember this person from this episode? Remember?

Moreover, this is only added to by the worst ending of an episode of iCarly possibly ever, whereby when it looks like Carly might have to face some consequences for her past misdeeds Spencer, played by Jerry Trainor, just buys her way out. The reason why this sucks is because it could have been an actual emotional moment which could have led to some character development for Carly or at the very least a shift in perspective, but no.

Additionally, this episode forces in a Harper, played by Laci Mosley, and Millicent, played by Jaidyn Triplett, side-plot that is the definition of time wasting. It goes nowhere and undoes a lot of the great Harper work the first episode does, reducing her back into the loud, obnoxious stereotype.

Overall, a sorry state of an episode made worse by the fact it followed such a good one.

Pros.

A few funny jokes

It is watchable

Cons.

The nostalgia baiting

The terrible ending and message of it

Reducing Harper back into a stereotype

Seemingly doing it best to stop any kind of character development

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The Witcher Season Two: The Grey Tide Of Netflix’s Efforts Into Fantasy, How Not To Adapt.

Written by Luke Barnes

In a break from my reviewing tradition I want to take a minute today to talk about season two of the Witcher on Netflix, and why I couldn’t make it to the end of it despite being a fan of the books and the games.

So straight off the bat we have to debate whether this show even is the Witcher, like it is called that and has characters which bare the same names as those who appear in the books and the games but in most other ways it is devoid of the wider franchise and feels far closer to generic fantasy. Whether it is the fact that show choose to cut out so, so much from the books or the fact it changes so much of what it does keep there is just something about this show that just doesn’t feel like the Witcher to me.

Clearly this show is hell bent on appealing to the Twitter brigade, we all know who I am talking about, they have race swapped a number of key characters and are constantly queer baiting a relationship between Geralt, played by Henry Cavil, and Jaskier, played by Joey Batey. I am surprised more people aren’t annoyed about the queer baiting on this show as it is quite obviously leading to nothing and is a poor stand in for any real LGBTQ+ representation on the show. Moreover, the race swaps could have been used well, maybe even played some sort of role in the new story the show wants to tell, but no, they were done for no reason other than for the people behind the show to preach about how diverse their cast is. Yikes.

In addition, the effects are often quite poor, yes every now and again they get one sequence where the effects come together well but more often then not it doesn’t work. This might sound bias against Netflix, which is humorous as many people have called me a Netflix shill in the past, but there is a hue of their trademark cheapness to this show that really shows up more often than it should.

The scene that finally killed this show for me was when Eskel, played by Basil Eidenbenz, was turned into a monster and killed just for the random shock value of it despite only just being introduced and being important in the wider lore. They could have handled this scene in any number of better ways but they did it to prove their independence from the successful books the show is based on and show how there is no element of Sapkowski’s universe that this show won’t ruin.

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