The Blackcoats Daughter: The Best Episode Of Sabrina Ever

The Blackcoats Daughter is a psychological horror film directed by Osgood Perkins. The plot is split into three separate narratives, one for each character, that culminate together in the final act. It tells the story of two girls who are left behind at their Catholic boarding school over break. Things quickly become sinister when it becomes clear that one of the girls is in league with a demon; a bloodbath ensues.

When I first saw this film the other night, I didn’t know what I thought of it, a few days later as I am writing this review I still don’t. This seems to be a recurring theme of Perkins work; it is incredibly polarising.

On the one hand it is incredibly drawn out, to the point of feeling indulgent or as though it is trying to kill time, at points and the split narrative can be confusing even after you have seen it; as there are a lot of little details that are easy to miss, I recommend if you are going to watch this film to watch it twice.

However, when you do start to pick up on the little details and things it becomes far more engaging and far creepier to. In fact I thought this film was genuinely quite scary and it made me jump, more than I have done in a long time, at one point in the film. I think the horror in this film comes as a result of figuring out what is really going on and how everything fits together.

Another to praise in this film is the performance of Kiernan Shipka as Katherine, the main girl and the one who is in league with the forces of evil. Up until watching this I was convinced she couldn’t act, her performance in the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina is painfully bad, though now I think that this might have been bad writing, because here she was fantastic. Shipka plays evil and creepy so well, she is really quite menacing in this film and puts the performances of everyone else to shame; this film will serve as a testament to her acting forever more.

Overall, certainly not a film for everyone, but if you like slow burning horror then you will find something to like here.

Pros.

A great twist.

Shipka.

Creepy and unsettling.

Well done.

Cons.

Slow and confusing at points has to be watched twice to fully appreciate.

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

Military Wives: Missing The Note

Military Wives is a based on real life comedy drama film directed by Peter Cattaneo. The film attempts to tell the story of the Military Wives Choir, showing the trials and tribulations the group went through as well as the individual women’s struggles.

Damn, I went into this thinking it would be a quirky comedy and crucially an easy-going good time, and oh my I was wrong. This film is depressing, I don’t know if I just didn’t get the humour of it, but I didn’t think there was a single funny moment in the whole film. However, there was enough sad/depressing moments that I almost had to turn it off and put something else on.

I do believe there is a kernel of a good film somewhere here, however it gets lost through poor execution and weak writing. This film tries to do the whole Fisherman’s Friends thing, by that I mean tell the real-life story of an unlikely band’s rise to fame and play on your emotions. However, where the mushiness in that film felt genuine because you cared about the characters and it is well done, here it just feels too much and comes off as ineffective.

I don’t feel like any of the performances in this film were particularly great, or worth talking about. The only one of note perhaps is Kristen Scott Thomas as Kate, Thomas made the most out of a weak script and is the only actor who is even remotely convincing.

Overall, I think the issue with this film is that it tried to play on the audiences’ emotions, but it failed in the worst way and the only thing it made you feel was depressed. This is also a failure of execution and writing as it is also incredibly obvious and predicatable.

Pros.

Kristen Scott Thomas.

Cons.

It is boring.

It does make you feel anything.

You will leave it feeling depressed.

The performances are weak as hell.

1.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Nerve: I Dare You To Not Watch This Film

Nerve is a social media themed adventure film directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman. The plot sees Vee (Emma Roberts), a shy quiet girl, take a more active role in her life by playing a social media craze; said craze sees the player being dared to do things by the watchers for various sums of cash, as you can imagine things quickly get out of control.

This is one of the vapidest, lame, needless films I have ever seen. Right from the beginning you get a sense that this film thinks it is great; not only great, but also deep and that it has something meaningful to say about our social media society. It does not. The ham-fisted messages and taking points that this film regurgitate are the same sort of things that any child could tell you, or that you might see written on the Facebook page of your elderly family member who is deeply out of touch with the ‘youth’.

I am almost certain that this film was written by people who don’t understand how teens interact. The main group of teens the film follows behave nothing like any teen I have ever met and are just a collection of out of touch stereotypes, that are also strangely inconsistent. As I was writing this review, I found out that this garbage fire was based on a book, this film proves that not ever teen novel needs an adaption Hollywood if you’re reading.

Roberts and Dave Franco, that plays her beefy onscreen love interest, are just passable enough to not be called out for accepting the role for a cheap pay day, however in the way of charm and charisma they are devoid of anything resembling either and both are the definition the term blackhole of charisma. These sorts of performances are the reason why the Razzies were invented.

Overall, this film feels incredibly out of touch, the characters range from forgettable to hate inducing, this is an hour and a half of your life you will not get back, so please don’t waste your time.

Pros.

The concept is interesting enough, for about 10 minutes.

Cons.

It is boring.

It is repetitive.

All the performances are terrible, the actors should be ashamed.

It is the most out of touch film I have seen in recent memory.

1/5

Reviewed by Luke

Crimson Peak: Mystery, Murder And Misunderstanding

Crimson Peak is a gothic romance film directed by Guillermo del Toro. The plot follows Edith (Mia Wasikowska), a young woman who moves with her new husband Thomas (Tom Hiddleston), into his ancestral home know to some as Crimson Peak, due to the red ore turning the snow red in the winter. However, since she was a girl Edith has been told to beware Crimson Peak, mainly from the ghost of her dead mother, unsurprisingly once she moves into the house things to start to take a turn towards the ghostly and the demonic.

Whoever was in charge of the marketing campaign for this film should have been fired; if not, fire them now, clearly, they can’t do their job. This film was marketed in its trailers and supporting material as a horror film, it is not. Despite having ghosts appear and a few other horror elements, this film has nothing else in common with the horror genre and to say otherwise in an insult to both and to del Toro himself.

This film is beautiful to look at, every scene is chocked full of vibrant colour and gothic charm, this much like the rest of del Toro’s filmography is very pleasing on the eye. The people in charge of set design and costumes deserve a huge round of applause.

This film is very much unlike any other as it defies genre. It is a romance, but not in a traditional sense; hell this film makes the romance in del Toro’s The Shape Of Water look almost conventional. It truly is a gothic film however; you will see what I mean if you watch it.

The story is top notch, full of twists and turns that will keep you guessing right up until the end. The creatures/ ghost design is also on top form; if there is one thing you can expect to see in a del Toro film it is Doug Jones as any number of monsters, each one looking better than the last and all looking marvellous. The performances are strong especially from the women. Wasikowska is great in the lead role, it would be nice to see her in more films, and Jessica Chastain is superb as Lucile Thomas’s sister. I won’t go into specifics about their performances as it might spoil some of the reveals.

Overall, I think this is one of del Toro’s strongest films that was woefully mis-marketed and sold as something it was not. Hopefully after you have read this review and understand what it really is you will check it out and really love it, as I did.

Pros.

The look of the film.

The gothic beauty of the story.

The performances.

The creature design and Doug Jones.

Cons.

It is slightly too long, and the beginning feels a little indulgent.

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

The Little Hours: 3 Very Strange Nuns

The Little Hours is a period comedy film directed by Jeff Baena. The plot sees servant Massetto (Dave Franco), go on the run after he sleeps with his master’s wife. In his effort to escape he finds his way to a convent filled with some very untypical nuns. Each nun has their own plans and designs for Massetto, and he has to try and endure it all while pretending to be deaf and mute.

This is not only one of the best comedies I have seen recently but also one of the best films too. I really enjoyed this film’s quirky, manic, off kilter sense of humour it made me laugh a number of times. I thought the comedic standout of the film was defiantly Nick Offerman as Lord Bruno, the cheated-on husband, his scenes with Franco were comedic gold.

I think the best thing this film does is you never really know where it is going, one minute it seems like the nuns just want to use Massetto to aid in their sexual frustration, but then it turns into something altogether more sinister. Sister Fernanda (Aubrey Plaza), and her friend Marta (Jemima Kirke) are witches.

However, rather than feel out of place and like a random twist the reveal of the witches makes sense in the context of early events and helps to make the overall picture of the film far clearer. I also liked the ending of the film where the 3 nuns decide to start their own coven along with Massetto, I think it is yet another cool twist I didn’t see coming. I think the ending as a whole is very well done too.

My one, minor, complaint would be the first 20 minutes are quite slow. Once this film gets going it is great and you can’t look away, but the first 20 minutes and slow and a bit boring and might lead you away from the film; stick with it though.

Overall, a brilliant hidden gem of a film that I highly recommend you watch!

Pros.

The humour.

The twists.

The ending.

The performances from everyone.

Cons.

The beginning is a little slow.

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Alita Battle Angel: Trapped In The Uncanny Valley

Alita Battle Angel is a cyberpunk action film directed by Robert Rodriguez; based on 1993 Japanese anime series Battle Angel. The plot follows Alita (Rosa Salazar), a cyborg girl with a mysterious past who is rebuilt by roboticist Dr. Ido (Christoph Waltz), she tries to adapt to life as a normal teenage girl but her past gets in the way. She is hunted down by a series of other cyborgs and must defeat them all to keep those she loves alive.

For a long time I have been meaning to watch this film, I know a lot of people love it, so I decided to check it out. I enjoyed it, it has a series of issues that stopped it from being a perfect film for me, but as an overall film I think it worked well and I would like to see a sequel to this film.

I think the strongest thing about this film is its world, it is dense and well explored, the lore never feels forced it feels natural and becomes something you want to learn more about. It is also left ambiguous enough that there is plenty of room for further exploration if I sequel does come out. The performances are all also excellent especially Salazar, she does a lot with a character that is mostly CGI she gives her a warmth and a personality that makes her instantly likeable.

However, I think ultimately what harms this film is it’s CGI. Sometimes, albeit rarely, the CGI is impressive and does standout, it is not Avatar level, but it is impressive. For the most part however, the CGI is poor and video game esque. This is mostly true of the faces of other cyborgs especially the ones she fights throughout the film. What’s more the CGI on Alita’s eyes bothered me throughout much of the film they are weird looking and are trapped in the uncanny valley, it was only midway through the film that I got use to them and even then I had to try not to look at them.

Another thing I didn’t like about the film was the angsty teen romance. This is only a brief subplot, but whenever the plot deviates to it, it slows down. There really is no need for it as it adds very little to the film overall.

Overall, this is a strong science fiction film that has a great world and characters, what lets it down is poor CGI and a needless romantic subplot.

Pros.

Rosa Salazar.

The characters.

The world.

Cons.

The bad CGI.

The romance subplot.

3.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Misbehaviour: Bringing Down The System

Misbehaviour is a historical drama film directed by Phillipa Lowthorpe. The people revolves around the 1970 Miss World competition and the actions of a branch of the Female Liberation Movement to disrupt it and show the eyes of the world the harm the competition is doing to society.

This one is a little politics heavy, right from the off, so if that isn’t your thing don’t watch it.

Personally, I think this film makes a lot of great points about society and the balance of the sexes. It shows us the audience the predatory nature of these competitions and how the woman are treated like meat. The scene when all of the girls have to turn around in their swimming costumes and the mostly male judges spent an awfully long time staring at their arses at it is an uncomfortable scene.

This film makes you question society and the messages it creates: because competitions like Miss World were aimed at a family audience, so you would have little girls watching it and thinking the only way a woman can have value is to be pretty; which is a bad message obviously. This film really begs the question to beauty pageants and competitions have a place in 2020?

Keira Knightly as Sally Alexander is commendable, she is one of the most underrated actors working today, turning in solid performance after solid performance. This film also features Gugu Mbatha-Raw as Jennifer Hosten aka Miss Grenada, Mbatha- Raw does a great job in this film and has a strong presences throughout, her character was the first non-white winner of the Miss World Competition, and her ending serves as a true inspiration; also the conversation she has with Sally about representation vs change is fascinating to think about.

This film has Greg Kinnear as Bob Hope, as I suppose the villain of the film, he is hateable from the moment he appears on screen and when his performance get cut short it feels like a true victory.

Overall, this is an important film as watching it forces us to consider elements and aspects from our society we might not otherwise think about, this film presents us with the lessons of the past and asks us to learn from them.

Pros.

Knightly.

Mbatha-Raw.

The Message.

Something to think about.

Cons.

It is a little long and could be trimmed down a bit.

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

Tusk: I Am The Walrus

Tusk is a horror comedy film directed by Kevin Smith. The plot sees internet famous podcaster Wallace Bryton (Justin Long), go to Canada in search of a weird story for his podcast, there he meets Howard Howe (Michael Parks), a man who is obsessed with bring his dead best friend Mr Tusk (a walrus), back to life. What follows is an increasingly menacing situation as Howe tries to turn Bryton into a human walrus hybrid.

This film marks the start of Smith’s True North trilogy, (which as of the time of writing only has Yoga Hosers as the other film in the trilogy), however unlike Hosers, this film is tonally a mess. Yoga Hosers was a comedy from the get-go, it didn’t take itself seriously and was slightly serious at times. Tusk, however, has moments when it tries to be serious and dark and moments that are comedic and over the top, these two parts of the film don’t mesh together and feel at odds with one another. It seems to be as though Smith couldn’t make his mind up over how he wanted the tone of this film to be.

The performances in this film are a mixed bag, one the one hand you have Parks who plays the crazed walrus fanatic superbly; he is menacing and threatening whenever he is on screen. However, Long is not a convincing hero, his Wallace is deeply unlikable (before you even find out how bad he is towards his girlfriend), from the moment he opens his mouth he is irritating. As a result of this you end up wanting him to suffer and be turned into a walrus as it seems a fitting punishment.

Johnny Depp as disgraced detective Lapointe is easily the best thing about this film and much like in Hosers has all the best lines. He is the only character you will remember once the credits role.

Overall, this is a weak start to Smith’s trilogy as it is tonally inconsistent and Long is loathsome. However Parks and Depp make up for it. A very so-so film.

Pros.

Depp

Parks

It is an interesting idea.

Cons.

Tonally inconsistencies.

Long.

The end.

2.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Adventures In Babysitting: One Hell Of A Bad Night

Adventures In Babysitting is a comedy adventure film directed Chris Columbus. The plot sees babysitter Chris (Elisabeth Shue), looking after three kids, however her night soon takes a turn for the extreme when she takes said kids to the city to pick up her friend. From there a series of things go wrong and things go from bad to worse; leading to a comedic misadventure.

Some much of this film rests on the performance given by Shue, if she was bad it would turn out like the god-awful Disney Channel remake, however her performance is in my opinion one of the best of the decade. Shue manages to do kind and compassionate well, you can tell her character cares about the kids, she also manages to be a lot of fun and give you a sense that she is enjoying every single second of being on screen. An example of this would be the blues singing scene, which is a masterpiece in and off itself, plus Shue is actually quite a good singer.

Fun is the word I would use to describe this film, a lot of films are funny or charming, but only a few are fun. This film almost seems like an expertly crafted series of skits that are each great and then stitched together to form one hell of a film. This can be seen with the often-hilarious pop culture themed homages, by favourite was The Warriors esque scene on the train.

Another thing I will give this film credit for is that the child actors are actually tolerable in this film. Normally when a film has child actors, hell even teens, they are annoying, they don’t perform well, they’re distracting, and you can understand why Hollywood gets 30-year olds to pretend to be teens in films. However, Brad (Keith Coogan), Daryl (Antony Rapp) and especially Sara (Maia Brewton), are not only good, but crucially loveable, you warm to them over the course of the film and by the end, you realise that you have enjoyed the time you have spent with these characters.

My one critique of the film would be that some of the humour feels dated and a little out of touch with our modern sensibilities, however on the sliding scale of 80’s offensiveness this film is pretty mild, so that shouldn’t put you off!

Overall, an 80’s classic for a good reason, effortlessly charming and watchable and a guaranteed good time for all!

Pros.

It is fun.

The homages and references.

Elisabeth Shue.

The child stars are actually tolerable.

Cons.

Some of the humour has aged poorly.

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Fantasy Island: Lucy Hale Redeemed?

Fantasy Island is a fantasy horror film directed by Jeff Wadlow. The plot sees a group of people go to an island which can supposedly make their greatest desires come to life, whether that is to settle down and have the life they always wanted, or to punish a high school bully. Surprisingly once people start getting what they want, things start going badly wrong; the island is far more sinister than it first appeared.

Before I put this film on I had incredibly low expectations, I had heard nothing but bad things about this film and was expecting the worst, however I was pleasantly surprised by this film. It wasn’t the best horror film I have ever seen, or the scariest, but it is a very interesting concept and it is surprisingly well executed.

The main red flag for me was the fact that Lucy Hale has a main role in this film, Hale for those of you that don’t know has been in such great films as Truth Or Dare and Fear Island, and for some unknown reason Blumhouse keep putting her in films even though she is terrible. She is one of the worst, least convincing actors working today, her acting ability is a joke. However, she is passably okay in this film. The twist ending when it is revealed that she is the evil force behind it all is well done, she is believable as someone who has been hung up over one thing her whole life and has become insane.

Even though she is passable in this film, her sub-par acting is highlighted by good performance given by Maggie Q and Michael Pena. Both are great, especially Pena, he plays the calculating evil mastermind well and he also plays the hero well. He manages to have the most charisma in the film easily. When the film ends, he is the only character you want to see more of.

Overall, this film is better than it has any right to be, and the film itself is intriguing and raises some great questions.

Pros.

A good premise.

Interesting questions.

Lucy Hale is actually okay.

Maggie Q and Michael Pena are good.

Cons.

It is not scary in any way.

4/5

Reviewed by Luke