Holy Water/ Hard Times: A Limp Comedy Film

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of disaffected Irish men decide to rob a shipment of Viagra and sell it in Amsterdam with the hopes of making enough money to escape their small town existence.

This film was painfully unfunny. I understand that comedy is subjective but not a single joke in this worked for me, most of them felt cheap and desperate- such as a man getting his arse out for the sake of a bit. At times it almost felt like it was trying too hard.

It was nice to see Linda Hamilton appear in this, as she doesn’t appear in anywhere near enough films anymore. Sadly, the quality of the writing she is presented with not only gives the character nothing to work with but ends up reducing her to a cliché. The whole big tough Americans coming to investigate plot point seemed ridiculous, does Ireland not have a wider investigating organisation that would take jurisdiction? Surely they do.

Honestly I think the biggest issue with this film is that it is just plain generic and boring, which is a shame as you can see the actors are trying but ultimately it is all in vain.

Overall, this is not a terrible film, but it is boring.

Pros.

Linda Hamilton

The actors are trying

Cons.

It isn’t funny

It is boring

It is a waste of good talent

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A Thousand Words: The End Of The Unfunny Eddie Murphy Era

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A fast talking agent, Eddie Murphy, learns the value of words after he discovers that he has bonded with a tree. For each word he says the tree will lose a leaf and when all leaves are gone both will die.

This was one of the finale films of the Murphy era of bad comedy films which was swiftly followed by a short absence from our screens. Personally, I don’t think the film is awful, but nor do I think it is funny. Murphy talking quickly, as he does for the first quarter of the film, is not only unamusing but it is also hard to follow, multiple times I had to go back a few seconds as I didn’t quite catch what was being said. Furthermore, once the big switch up happens and Murphy’s character can no longer talk the film struggles to find its emotional core and can’t nail its message.

That said I found Murphy himself to be one of the saving graces of the film. He didn’t make me laugh but I did find his presence on screen oddly soothing, and I thought he brought a lot of charm to the role and I did care about what happened to his character- small victory for the film there.

Overall, Murphy is trying but it just isn’t enough.

Pros.

Murphy is charming and you do end up caring about his character

It is watchable

Cons.

It isn’t funny

The message is muddled and overly familiar

The emotions don’t quite land

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We Need To Do Something: Ozzy Osbourne’s Breakthrough Performance

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A family find themselves trapped in a bathroom during a freak storm, or possibly a supernatural apocalypse, and have to find a way to escape and survive.

This was an unexpected treat. The reviews weren’t good, so I went into this with low expectations, but I have to say I was blown away. I actually found this film to be scary, which when you watch as many horror films as I do you become desensitised, so to be scared is a sure sign of quality. I found the hand licking scene with Ozzy Osbourne to be the best fright of the film and it stayed with me for days after viewing.

I enjoyed the family dynamic and seeing the characters interact on screen especially as relations began to breakdown and things got gradually to a fever pitch in which everyone was at each other’s throats. I thought all the actors gave good performances but the two I would like to highlight are Sierra McCormick and Pat Healy as they stood out particularly.

I thought the ending was genius as it left things ambiguous as to what was actually going on outside. Ending on the door finally opening and then screams was a masterstroke as it leaves it up to your imagination which is far more satisfying than giving you an answer which has the possibility to underwhelm.

Overall, a horror film that actually scared me, I highly recommend.

Pros.

Healy and McCormick

The ending

Ozzy Osbourne

The scares and the threat

Cons.

A few slow scenes

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Villains: Please Stop Making Tables Turned Home Invasion Films, We Are Done With Them

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After a bank robbery a young couple find their way into a house with a child tied up in the basement, when they stick around to ask questions the homeowners return and take them prisoner.

When you watch horror/thriller films on the regular you begin to notice that there only seem to be about 5 original premises within the genre. The idea of bad people breaking into someone’s house only to find out that the homeowners are actually even worse than them and doing the clichéd ‘tables turned’ twist. This film has been done before and done better.

The generic nature of the premise sadly holds back the acting talent herein. Bill Skarsgard and Maika Monroe are both strong actors and have a number of good performances to their names to back that claim, however here they are given nothing to work with and though they might try their best their characters are ultimately doomed to be forgotten about.

My biggest issue with this film was that nothing shocked me about it. It went through a Don’t Breathe esque list of check boxes, to make sure it could fully tap into the flipped home invasion cliché, and did everything that you would expect, but added nothing new to spice things up or to keep the audience guessing. From the beginning to the end this film is entirely guessable.

Overall, generic and nothing new.

Pros.

The actors are trying

It is watchable

Cons.

It is stale

It is predictable

It is deeply forgettable

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Kate: Mary Elizabeth Winstead Strikes Gold Again, Is There Anything She Can’t Do

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An assassin, played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, finds herself fatally poisoned whilst on a job, so with mere hours to go before she dies she decides to go on a quest for revenge.

I will give Netflix props for this one. Finally they have managed to produce an action film that pushes beyond their mould of generic, forgettable punch them up fare and actually manages to be a solid genre film.

I enjoyed the stylistic choices present within this film; I think you can feel the Leitch influence here clearly: there are many scenes in this film that reminded me of Leitch’s Atomic Blond from a few summers ago now. The choice of setting and how Japanese culture impacts on the film also goes along way to shaping it into having a personality. Despite being Western this film does feel at times like a love letter to Japanese martial arts films.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is a tremendous action lead and does a lot to make this film as good as it is. Winstead plays the character with just the right level of warmth to get you to care without sacrificing any of the badass moments or threat. As the film progresses you begin to care about her character and you become connected to her story, which is a big achievement for an action film and an even bigger one for a Netflix action film.

My one criticism would be that they waste Woody Harrelson. Harrelson is a mentor of sorts to Winstead’s character and does end up having a fairly important role in the narrative, however, despite this he is not given much to work with and often only has sort scenes of him sitting or talking, which doesn’t correlate to making us think of him as a badass assassin like Winstead’s character. We needed more of him in action.

Overall, The best Netflix action film in years.

Pros.

Winstead

The Japanese influence

The Leitch influence

The action and the comedy

Cons.

Harrelson is wasted

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The Mule: Drugging Running Is A Job For All Ages

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The film follows an elderly man, Clint Eastwood, who begins to run drugs for the Sinaloa Cartel in an effort to make ends meet. It is based on a true story.

I thought this film was very mismatched tone wise, there were moments where the film felt serious and weighty, and others were it almost played the situation for laughs. I thought this dichotomy only served to weaken the film in the long term as it stunted any kind of real emotional pay off the film could have had.

Eastwood is good in the role and he still maintains the same level of charisma that he has always had. Though I must say seeing scenes, multiple, of him having sex or relations with much younger women is both awkward and a little uncomfortable, I don’t see why we need to see these scenes. It feels like Eastwood wanted to indulge.

Moreover, I would also say the film is on for entirely too long and as such the pacing really becomes an issue. The film feels far too drawn out with many of the scenes seeming like filler.

Overall, watchable but it struggles to hold your attention for the duration.

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Malignant: James Wan Sullies His Horror Master Reputation

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Maddie, Annabelle Wallis, begins to experience visons of grisly murders that seem linked to her early years- which she has now repressed.

Where to begin with this one? This film is hilarious, not because it is funny but because it is so dumb and ridiculous that laughing is the only way you can deal with this film. The biggest joke this film tells it’s audience is that it is a horror film, this is simply a lie. If I had to categories it I would say it was an action horror film with a clear B movie influence and elements of comedy. If you go into this expecting the next Insidious or Conjuring you are wasting your time.

Another fundamental error with this film is the casting of its lead. Annabelle Wallis can’t act. Have we not learnt that by now with The Mummy, Annabelle and King Arthur all being bad films and made worse by Wallis’ inability to be anything other than wooden. However, here Wallis embraces a different style of acting: overacting. It seems someone has pointed out to Wallis that in most of her film roles no matter what is going on her face stays pretty much the same throughout and she has now decided to dial everything up to a ridiculous degree. When her character screams it won’t just be a scream it will be several and she will probably throw herself around a bit for good measure, because that distracts from her poor acting ability right?

The people who wrote this film should have a hard look in the mirror because never in all my time watching films has there been so little logic or even basic sense in a film that I’ve seen. Nothing about this film makes sense, at first I thought the film was trying to be deliberately confusing to throw audiences off, but no it just does what it likes and doesn’t bother having it make sense. Even when we get an explanation of what the villain is, we are still never told how it has superhuman abilities…. It just does.

The villain in this film……… is laughable. It is in no way scary and the reveal is blindly obvious from about ten minutes in.

Overall, this shows what happens when the studios give creatives free reign- they make a mess.

Pros.

It is hilarious

It is watchable

Cons.

It is dumb

None of it makes sense

The ending is awful

Annabelle Wallis needs to stop acting

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Karen: The Real Face Of Evil

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young couples life is thrown into disarray and panic when they release that their neighbour is a racist intent on seeing them driven out of the neighbourhood.

Though this film is lampooning and joking around about the popular internet meme of the angry Karen there is something far deeper and more true to it as well. Though the film may come at the topic from a point of dark comedy it does make a lot of needed and hard hitting points about life in modern society and the vile racism that can hide behind a mask of civility.

I thought Taryn Manning did a good job as the villainous Karen, that is also the character name. I think it would have been very easy for her performance to be too over the top and border on ridiculous, however, she manages to nail the tone just right and have fun in the role whilst also conveying a sense of malice and as the film goes on genuine evil.

In that respect I thought the film managed its tone really well. It never veers to far into comedy territory and does manage to produce some tense and uncomfortable moments, whilst also giving us a few macabre dark laughs along the way as well.

The one thing I would say about this film is to be prepared for a large amount of cringe. I found myself in a near constant state of cringe watching parts of this film. I would say it was good cringe for the most part rather than bad, however it will elicit a strong response from you.

Overall, a surprisingly strong dark comedy thriller film that manages to deliver on both genres whilst also making some strong points about society.

Pros.

The tension

Manning

The tone

A few darkly comedic jokes that really land

Cons.

There are moments when it does border on the wacky

The cringe

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The Package: Not For The Fainthearted

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of friends go on a camping trip together to celebrate spring break, however once the revelling starts Jeremy, Eduardo Franco, slices off his member- what follows is a desperate struggle to reattach it before he loses it forever.

Though in many ways this film might be base and crude, I found it to be enjoyable and funny and maybe even sweet at times. Not every joke lands, but enough do that you are laughing more often than not, and when you aren’t you’re smiling.

I truly do believe that much like with Blockers Geraldine Viswanathan is the standout of the cast. Viswanathan is quickly proving herself to be one to watch, here she gets a lot of funny lines but also she has quite a nice emotional arc over the course of the film wherein she realises what she deserves out of a relationship and moves onto someone less toxic.

I enjoyed this film as it was a feel good turn the brain off sort of film and in times like these we need as many of them as we can get providing they are good.

Overall, though not every joke lands there is enough here to make this film enjoyable.

Pros.

Viswanathan

A few strong jokes

A feel good ending

The message around toxic relationships

Cons.

A few pacing issues

Not every joke lands

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Stoneheart Asylum: What Is The Point Of Having A Mystery If It Is This Obvious?

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young doctor, Jim Sturgess, arrives at Stoneheart Asylum to begin his tutelage under the mentorship of Dr Silas Lamb, Ben Kingsley, however, the longer the trainee doctor spends at the asylum the more he realises something is amiss.

Kate Beckinsale headlines this movie, and her name is all over the posters and the marketing, however in actuality her part is incredibly limited, she is basically relegated to a supporting character within the film. However, I thought beside Beckinsale the rest of the cast were well used and actually managed to deliver strong memorable performances.

I think the twists are all fairly obvious and I could guess the big reveal from fairly early on into the film. I feel like there is nothing particularly new about this film as all the twists and turns on display here have been done before.

Although, in the context of the film the twists do work to create a strong sense of tension and unease during proceedings. The idea of the lead getting caught out and locked in the basement and left to die does create meaningful stakes.

The ending is fairly what you would expect, but it is nice to see the characters be given a happy ending after everything that happens.

Overall, an entertaining mystery film though one that is entirely obvious.

Pros.

The performances

The ending

The tension

Cons.

The twists are fairly obvious

Beckinsale is given nothing to do

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