Playmobil The Movie: The Lego Movies Less Successful Jealous Cousin

The Playmobil Movie is an animated action and adventure comedy film directed by Lino Disalvo. The plot follows two siblings Marla (Anya Taylor- Joy) and Charlie (Gabriel Bateman), who get sucked into the Playmobil world and have to battle and adventure their way out. This movies soul objective is to prove that it is different from the Lego Movie.

I had heard nothing but bad things about this film, so I decided to give it a watch and see if it lived up to its infamous reputation. Though there were many issues with it, I will get into those, but I found it to be a passively okay thing to watch. It wasn’t offensively bad and turning my brain off and giving up on the plot helped me to enjoy it a lot more.

There is no sense to be found in this film, it feels very much as though they tried to stuff every different Playmobil playset into the film; logic be damned. Personally, I enjoyed the randomness of it all, but seeing a Viking, a Pirate and a Roman all together on screen fighting a robot is a lot and it is very hard to keep track off.

This film is a musical, I don’t know if you’re aware, I wasn’t and there are a lot of songs which are mostly forgettable; none of them are terribly good none are terribly bad either, that is how I would describe this film. My issue with the songs is that they went on for a bit too long a lot of the time and you ended up pleading for them to be over.

Anya Taylor-Joy is always a delight and she is trying her best here, but the writing and the acting in this film is non-existent. It stems from corny one-liners that you have heard a hundred times before to cash grab celebrity cameos; I see you Mr Radcliffe. I think the film’s choice to make Taylor-Joy’s character the surrogate mum was an odd one and there is a lot more you can read into it; the message the characterization sends is pretty bad.

Overall, this is very meh, if you want to turn your brain off you will probably like it, if you have small children, they will probably like it; as long as they aren’t too discerning. It is far from good, but it isn’t offensively bad either.

Pros.

It is mindless fun.

The randomness is amusing.

Cons.

It makes no sense.

The songs are not needed.

The implications and suggestions around Taylor-joy’s character.

It loses half a point for the weird awkward flossing midway through the film.

2/5

Reviewed by Luke.

Pocahontas: The Colours Of The Wind

Pocahontas is an animated musical romance film directed by Eric Goldberg and Mike Gabriel; it is loosely based on the American folk tale of Pocahontas. The plot sees John Smith (Mel Gibson), lead an expedition to the New World (present day North America), where he meet a native girl called Pocahontas (Irene Bedard). The two falls in love, but their worlds soon clash, testing loyalties and friendships.

I think of all of Disney’s Animated offerings this is the one with the most soul and personality, it is so brimming with interesting Native American inspired design choices. I feel like more films about Native Americans are a must, albeit we should probably give creative control to someone of this ethnicity. The depiction of the Natives in this isn’t offensive, though the cliché of the noble savage haunts this film.

I loved the hand drawn animation of this film and thought every scene looked beautiful. I think Pocahontas surrounded by creatures is a very Snow-White inspired kind of thing, but I thought these scenes were especially pretty.

I also thought the songs were great and added a lot to the movie. I think the main song is beautiful and haunting and stays with you after the film ends, I also think all of the songs are incredibly catchy.

Moreover I applaud this film for having the balls to end the film in a sad way, I think it is a gutsy move that pays off. In addition to that the message of Pocahontas staying with her people and not abandoning them and giving up everything about her personality is a good thing that other Disney animated films could learn something from; Little Mermaid.

Overall, I admire this film’s sense of identity, I enjoy the historical period and I think the ending and the songs really benefit the film. My only issues with it are the reliance on worn out stereotypes and the fact that she doesn’t have a talking animal sidekick; these characters are normally my favourite in Disney films.

Pros.

The defined sense of personality.

The songs.

The setting.

The ballsy end.

Cons.

The noble savage is a tired worn out trope, stop it.

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

Small Soldiers: Lets Take On The World

Small Soldiers is a comedy action adventure film directed by Joe Dante. The plot sees toys be created that can come to life, but rather than be like Chucky and kill humans these toys seem pretty content killing one another. However, local kid Alan Abernathy (Gregory Smith), finds himself such in-between the sides and eventually finds himself the protector of the Gorgonites; it is up to him to end the bitter war once and for all.

When I was a lot younger I use to watch this film near constantly, I was unaware at the time that it was made my the same filmmaker who made one of my favourite movies of all time Gremlins, but I decided recently to rewatch it and see if it still held up. I am pleased to say it does.

The plot is laughably nonsensical, but everything is a lot of fun. It encapsulates the magic of playing with toys when you’re a kid, the very real war the toys fight is similar to what would have been going on in your mind when you were playing with your toys when you were a kid; no? Maybe just me.

I think the CGI and the animatronics still look okay, yes, it looks dated, but it still looks convincing enough and it the effects didn’t take me out of the film once.

I think the performances are all pretty flat, a young Kirsten Dunst does her best with a very whacky script thar probably just says ‘scream at the toys’, but this film was never going to be a marvel of acting.

Overall, watching this was a lot of good fun it remined me of being a kid and I still think it holds up in a lot of ways. If you haven’t seen it and are not too discerning, I would say it is a must watch.

Pros.

The dumb fun.

The spectacle.

Reminds you what it is like to play with toys.

It is very wholesome.

Cons.

The acting isn’t great, and the effects look dated.

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

Pinocchio: I’m A Real Boy

Pinocchio is an animated family adventure film directed by multiple directors. The plot sees a wooden doll called Pinocchio (Dick Jones), become sentient and go on a journey of self-discovery with his friend and ethical guide Jiminy Cricket (Cliff Edwards). It is a tale as old as time, Pinocchio learns to be a good little boy, and all is well in the end.

I watched this recently and I have to say it is a lot darker are more messed up than I remember it being; maybe I just didn’t pick up on all the dark subject matter such as child abduction and forced slavery when I was a kid. Adding to this there are also a number of dark flourishes with the visuals and the drawing style that would make me question whether it was really child friendly.

That said this is a classic for a reason, it is an interesting odyssey to watch this little boy go on and the imagination and creativity is exceptional. I think like with many other Disney Animations this film is boosted by having a very likable and witty side character to make you laugh. This allows the main character to drive the plot forward and not also have to worry about being funny. I for one thought Jiminy was the best character.

Overall, this is a very whimsical adventure bursting with imagination, however, there are a number of things in it that make me question whether it is suitable for children, or at least younger kids maybe. But probably like me when I was their age, they won’t even notice.

Pros.

Jiminy.

The adventure.

Pinocchio himself.

The message.

Cons.

The darker and more messed up parts.

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

Batman, Gotham By Gaslight: Boring Batman

Gotham By Gaslight is a straight to DVD superhero film directed by Sam Liu. The plot is an Elseworlds Batman tale set in a Victorian Gotham City that see the Caped Crusader go up against Jack The Ripper. This leads to a fight atop a burning ferries wheel and a traumatising reveal.

I have been looking forward to this for quite a while, but I have to say it was not good.

My main issue with this film is that it managed to make Batman fighting Jack The Ripper, an insanely cool premise, be boring. The pacing of this film is so poorly done that it becomes infuriating after a while, you just want to see the two of them fight, but they just keep padding it out and padding it out.

The characters lack any kind of charisma, they just feel bland. No new ground is tread here the only character that is slightly furthered is James Gordon (Scott Patterson), and that is in a very Elseworlds way; he is Saucy Jack.

The two things I enjoyed about this film are they don’t make Joker Jack, which would have been incredibly obvious, and I also love the characterisation of Selina Kyle aka Cat Woman (Jennifer Carpenter). I thought Selina in this was pitch perfect she was very take charge and was at the forefront of the fight back. I also loved how this film handled her relationship with Bruce.

Overall, not doing the obvious and having a good Bruce Selina dynamic is not enough to make up for the fact this film could not hold my attention.

Pros.

Selina.

Not making Jack The Ripper Joker.

Cons.

It wastes a great premise.

It was boring.

It feels long for an hour and 20 minutes.

It didn’t leave an impression.

1/5

Reviewed by Luke

Scooby Doo And The Witches Ghost: The Classics

Scooby Doo and The Witches Ghost is an animated family horror comedy film directed by Jim Stenstrum. The plot sees the gang travel to New England to meet up with famous author Ben Ravencroft (Tim Curry); a not so subtle play on real life horror novelists like Stephen King. The town believes the witch that is plaguing them is actually the ancestor of Ravencroft, he denies the claim, so the gang set out to get to the bottom of it.

After watching the monstrosity that is Scoob the other night I needed this, I needed to watch the good Scooby Doo; the Scooby Doo I grew up on. The animated straight to video Scooby Doo films of the late 90’s early 2000s will always have a special place in my heart and this is chief among them for several reasons.

The first is that for once in Scooby Doo lore the monster turns out to be real, yes, this isn’t an old man in a mask this is a real witch and real magic. Personally, I don’t mind this deviation from the norm if anything I think it gives these films an edge; this would come to become a staple of these animated films.

The other reason this film is a tour de force when it comes to Scooby Doo films is simple, The Hex Girls (Jennifer Hale, Jane Wiedlin and Kimberly Brooks respectively) . The Hex Girls feel like they belong in the world of Scooby Doo, they feel organic and baked in. Of the new characters created for these films The Hex Girls are easily the most memorable and their song at the end is a terrific way to end the film.

My one note would be, because Ravencroft and The Hex Girls have such big parts it can leave the gang at a bit of an end. Scooby and Shaggy (Scott Innes voices both), have something to do, but what are Daphne (Mary Kay Bergman), Fred (Frank Welker) and Velma (B.J Ward) doing?

Overall, good classic Scooby Doo that reminded me why I cared about the characters.

Pros.

The real witch.

The Hex Girls.

Scooby and Shaggy.

Nice animation and a distinct tone.

Cons.

The gang outside of Shaggy and Scooby aren’t used meaningfully.

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Scoob: Scooby Doobie Don’t Watch This Film

Scoob is a computer animated family film directed by Tony Cervone. The film serves as a reboot of the Scooby Doo franchise and tries to establish a wider Hanna-Barbera shared universe. The film details the beginnings of the gang with a particular focus on Shaggy (Will Forte), and Scooby’s (Frank Welker), relationship. Then the plot just takes a dive of a cliff and everything becomes very confusing and weirdly jarring.

So, it is pretty safe to say I didn’t like this film. If you asked me how to make the worst Scooby Doo film, you possibly could I would have probably suggested a lot of the things that this film does. First, right off the bat this franchise doesn’t need to be a shared universe. I know that is the hot thing right now, but very few studios are doing it right and with the poor reception this film seems to be getting this is year another failed cinematic universe.

This film is the first in their shared universe so it should set up Scooby Doo and its characters, but this film doesn’t do that. No, no it jumps the gun and tries to include as many Hanna-Barbera characters as it can. The film kind of expects you to know who a lot of these characters are, these characters that haven’t really been relevant in like 40 years. Playing into that might work if you this film was aimed at the adults who grew up with these characters, but it is not.

My major issue with the shared universe thing is that this film is not a Scooby Doo film, it simply isn’t. There is no mystery, no investigating, it is just cameo after cameo. Also none of these new characters feel developed at all they just feel forced in for the sake of setting up a shared universe; the Dark Universe immediately springs to mind.

The other thing I loathed about this film is the references and blatant product placement. Now I need to ask you a question, do kids care about Simon Cowell? I don’t think so, but this film begs to differ. He is not the worst of it. The product placement in this film is worse than the last Power Rangers film. An example of what I am talking about, there is a scene early on in the movie where the gang are all dressed up for Halloween. One is dressed like Wonder Woman another is dressed like Harry Potter, they make a point of naming the characters as well, why is this bad? Well because they’re both other Warner Brother franchises that they decided to promote in the film, it is not meta or tongue in cheek, no it is blatant and sickening.

If you want to watch a film where a group of kids talk about Netflix and Warner Brother owned brands at length and go on an adventure with characters that are only their to set up a shared universe and aren’t developed to the point where you don’t remember their name then this the film for you. Don’t watch this, it is not worth your money in any way.

Pros.

Will Forte is okay as Shaggy.

Cons.

It spits on what Scooby Doo is.

It tries too hard to be trendy.

The product placement.

The needless shared universe that ultimate kills the film.

1/5 and that is being generous.

Reviewed by Luke

The Witches: Be Careful What You Eat

The Witches is a family comedy film directed by Nicolas Roeg. The plot follows a young recently orphaned boy Luke (Jasen Fisher), and his grandmother (Mai Zetterling), as they become wrapped up in a Witches plot to turn all the children in the UK into rats. The film is based on the Roald Dahl children’s book of the same name.

This film terrified me as a kid, so did the book for that matter. The way this film sets up witches with the mythology it creates is incredibly well done, the witches of this film are both terrifying and also hilarious. You can tell the creators of the Muppets were involved with this as the creature design is both distinctive and memorable. You will not see anything else like when the grand high witch (Anjelica Huston) takes off her face for the first time.

I think as far as family films go this film has some genuinely scary moments, maybe it is the crazy late 80’s early 90’s drug fuelled feel of it all, but the first time a kid gets turned into a rat will scare any child and maybe even some adults, for sure.

I think there is a lot to enjoy about this film, it is good fun, and quite a great whimsical adventure. If you enjoy fantasy, then you will definitely enjoy this. It is also a really great adaptation of Roald Dahl’s seminal book, so if like me that book has a special place in your heart then you will really enjoy this film.

I feel like as far as Roald Dahl based films go this is incredibly underrated and is often overlook in favour of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but this is actually a better film. Check it out!

Pros.

Great monster design.

Genuinely scary.

The best Roald Dahl film.

The madness of it all.

A feel-good adventure.

Cons.

None

5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Kubo And The Two Strings:Familial Legacy

Kubo And The Two Strings is an animated action and adventure film directed by Travis Knight. The plot revolves around a young boy called Kubo (Art Parkinson), who must go on a quest to find his deceased fathers mystical armour set after his mother is killed on the Moon King’s (Ralph Fiennes) orders.

This is a delightfully charming animated adventure, that really packs an emotional punch as well. The animation is beautiful and is easily the highlight of the film, you can tell that every scene was painstakingly put together, and you can see the amount of thought and care that went into every scene. The Sisters (Rooney Mara), are especially well done, they are incredibly creepy every time they’re on screen and look straight out of Japanese mythology.

The voice cast are all doing a magnificent job, with Theron and McConaughey being of course the standouts. When it is revealed that Monkey (Charlize Theron), and Beetle (Matthew McConaughey), are actually Kubo’s parents there is a real emotional weight to it. The film is not afraid to go dark with these emotions as well, as both of these characters sacrifice themselves for Kubo by the end of the film.

As a result of this, the film has a bittersweet feeling to it, the kind of feeling that makes you appreciate what you have. It takes your preconceived notions that ‘a kid’s film will have a happy ending’ and leaves you with Kubo being an orphan; and for that I applaud them.

This film feels like a love letter to Japanese Cinema as well as to Samurai movies of years gone by, it is a beautiful homage and one I can’t recommend enough!

Pros.

Beautiful animation.

The characters.

The emotion.

The choice to have a sad ending.

The adventure.

Cons

None.

5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Nerve: I Dare You To Not Watch This Film

Nerve is a social media themed adventure film directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman. The plot sees Vee (Emma Roberts), a shy quiet girl, take a more active role in her life by playing a social media craze; said craze sees the player being dared to do things by the watchers for various sums of cash, as you can imagine things quickly get out of control.

This is one of the vapidest, lame, needless films I have ever seen. Right from the beginning you get a sense that this film thinks it is great; not only great, but also deep and that it has something meaningful to say about our social media society. It does not. The ham-fisted messages and taking points that this film regurgitate are the same sort of things that any child could tell you, or that you might see written on the Facebook page of your elderly family member who is deeply out of touch with the ‘youth’.

I am almost certain that this film was written by people who don’t understand how teens interact. The main group of teens the film follows behave nothing like any teen I have ever met and are just a collection of out of touch stereotypes, that are also strangely inconsistent. As I was writing this review, I found out that this garbage fire was based on a book, this film proves that not ever teen novel needs an adaption Hollywood if you’re reading.

Roberts and Dave Franco, that plays her beefy onscreen love interest, are just passable enough to not be called out for accepting the role for a cheap pay day, however in the way of charm and charisma they are devoid of anything resembling either and both are the definition the term blackhole of charisma. These sorts of performances are the reason why the Razzies were invented.

Overall, this film feels incredibly out of touch, the characters range from forgettable to hate inducing, this is an hour and a half of your life you will not get back, so please don’t waste your time.

Pros.

The concept is interesting enough, for about 10 minutes.

Cons.

It is boring.

It is repetitive.

All the performances are terrible, the actors should be ashamed.

It is the most out of touch film I have seen in recent memory.

1/5

Reviewed by Luke