Indiana Jones And The Dial Of Destiny: Turning A Southpark Joke Into Reality

Summary

Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford, becomes a deadbeat dad and gets bullied around by his god daughter, played by Phobe Waller-Bridge.

I find it hard to describe this film as anything other than an assassination. The creatives behind this film wanted to kill off the character of Indiana Jones and it clearly shows, however, rather than meaning that in the sense of a character death they wanted to make him as low and pathetic as they could so no one would care about him anymore.

It takes a long time into the film to see Indiana Jones behave like himself in anyway, I question why anyone over at Lucasfilm thought that what the audience wanted was to see the character deconstructed.

Honestly Waller-Bridge is very hit or miss sometimes she can hit gold and be a really good fit for a project, other times not. Here she just seemed like she was playing a variation of her Fleabag character, which didn’t fit, and became increasingly more unlikeable over the course of the film.

The ending leaves things in a slightly better place then when we started but it just makes you leave asking why did they need to make this film, who was it for, why now, why did they think this would get people back in the door.

Overall, this is a sad disrespectful way to treat one of the most beloved characters in pop culture.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It ruins the character

It didn’t need to be made

Waller-Bridge doesn’t fit

It is badly made, and the pacing is awful

It is a waste of your time

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Atlas: Jenny From The Block Fights The AI Screenwriter Netflix Used For This Film

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Netflix continues to make films by algorithm, with no human brain switched on.

So let’s get one thing out of the way early, Jennifer Lopez is not an action hero. I don’t care how many crappy action films Netflix insert her into there is nothing convincing about seeing her take down grown men when she doesn’t look like she even carries her own groceries. Yes here they do contrived things like put her in a mech in order to make her fighting look less laughably bad, but all it does is redirect the laughter towards the terrible CGI.

Moreover, Netflix continues its trend of adding in identity politics to almost every film they make as they think it will somehow make them popular with young people. Most young people don’t care about identity politics it is just an old group of men in California who think they do. It is as usual incredibly cynical and performative here as it always is, there is no real need for it, it is jus inserted in to tick off a list.

Had this film an air of parody to it then it could have been good, but no. This film takes itself incredibly seriously and thinks that it is high cinema when it is the furthest thing from it, residing somewhere even lower than the bargain bin. The idea of someone having to go and fight an AI is incredibly dumb and feels like the sort of thing that would have been written about 30 years ago not as we live alongside them.

Overall, Jennifer Lopez should stick to music, or rom-coms she has enough range for those, but stay away from action as unless she undergoes a massive physical transformation no one will ever believe her as an action star.

0.5/5

Pros.

It might be a useful form of torture at a CIA black site somewhere

Cons.

Jennifer Lopez is miscast

The threat feels like something people would worry about 30 years ago

The CGI is terrible

The plot makes no sense

The identity politics

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Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes: Have You Ever Heard Of Devolution, This Franchise Has

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ceaser is dead but now we have a new Ceaser look alike to go through the same exact themes as the last trilogy.

To be fair the new Ceaser doesn’t start off liking humans whereas the old one did, the new one comes to like them by about the first hour of the film so its not a huge difference. I suppose a difference here is that the film is not really about the struggle between men and apes but rather ape on ape war.

However, I think the real issue here is that the stakes are incredibly low. Maximus is supposed to be this Roman esque conqueror yet his beachside community is pretty small, moreover, where he could have been a good antagonist for several films and been built up to be a true nemesis for new Ceaser, he is just offed at the end of the film. It is very underwhelming.

The reason for him being offed is to once again go back to the well of human vs ape conflict because why try and do anything new when you can just repeat the beats of the last trilogy. Honestly, I found the relationship between new Ceaser, and Mae, Freya Allen, to just be stupid. She has sought him out, for a reason implied but never shared, she says how much she needs him but then betrays him, I guess you could say she lied there but then why did the narrative push the bond so much, and then finally she plans to kill him, for once again no reason at all, she could have just left and never seen him again. Mae might as well not have been in the film as she contributed very little, had a baffling motivation and only really existed to be like oh the humans are going to try and fight back.

Overall, this film could have been something great but it lived too much in the past with its fixation on Ceaser and its desire for more ape human conflict, we could have seen Maximus grow and develop and form a civilisation that new Ceaser had to fight against but no some birds killed him.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is interesting to see how the Apes have evolved

It sets up some interesting things for future movies, not the ape vs human stuff

It is fairly well paced

Cons.

The lead character is just Ceaser all over again

The human character makes no sense

They waste Maximus

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Roundup Punishment: Fighting In The Toilets And On A Plane

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A no nonsense police officer, Ma Dong-Seok, tries to take down an overseas casino racket that is soaked in blood.

I enjoyed this film for its mix of both serious action, with fairly high stakes, and also more comedic and light hearted moments. It felt like a homage to classic 80s era American action films like Lethal Weapon in many senses. The film knew what it was doing on all fronts and it knew when to let things get serious and when to draw back for a joke.

The action itself was intense, it felt very full on and visceral, though at the same time it wasn’t super gory, what I appreciated about it was that it was not like an American action film very often a bad guy might take one hit to go down or maybe 3 if he is the big villain but instead this felt drawn out and far more realistic.

This I think is the fourth film in the series and after watching this it made me want to go back and watch the other films in the franchise that I have missed, that was how much fun I had with it. Sadly, I think a lot of people won’t watch this as they won’t want to watch something with subtitles but I am telling you that you are missing out.

Overall, a fun and well done action film.

4.5/5

Pros.

The action

The comedy

The cast

It is a lot of fun

It has some great set pieces

Cons.

It has some pacing issues

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Tarot: Pick A Card

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A tarot reading leads to a series of deaths.

I thought this was an unexpected treat, the premise is very basic and samey but in the way the film is carried out it is actually very well done and creepy. Its your standard group of teen students, who are actually in their thirties, who rent out a mansion for the weekend because that is something students can afford to do, and then they get killed off one by one after a tarot reading.

So, the above description sounds incredibly been there and done that, however, there is just something about this one that makes it fresh. I think that there is a little Final Destination in this film’s blood which makes it a winner in my mind, mix that with some terrific monster design and you are off to the races. The monsters which represent different characters on the cards, look both creepy and also varied enough that you feel like each are distinct characters.

I think the scares mostly work, a lot of suddenly coming up real close to the camera scares, and a few jump scares, however, the most effective scare of the film is the dark magician and his twisted magic show, which with his audience of deadeye ghouls was particularly effective.

Overall, despite a generic premise this film manages a number of good scares, well worth a watch.

3.5/5

Pros.

The scares

The monster design

The Final Destination Vibes

The pacing

Cons.

It has a very generic plot

The ending feels a little rushed

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Them Season 2 Overview: Barley A Whimper

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A new season of scares revolving around a series of killings.

Honestly this was a massive disappointment, the first season of Them is genuinely brilliant and some of the best horror tv I have watched possibly ever. As such I was eagerly awaiting this and then as I was watching it I kept waiting for it to get good, then finally in one of the episodes the villain of the first season returns and I was happy and ready for the scares but then that’s it. Series over. I had waited the entire season for it to get good.

I will give this show credit for how it ties together its first and second seasons I didn’t see it coming and it is nice to have it all be set in the same universe and be a curse, possibly, passing down the family line. I will also give it props for how it handles police brutality in 1990’s era America, the social commentary is on point and I think some of the best and scariest moments of the series come from seeing the all-white and corrupt police force harassing and intimidating the lead.

That said this series wasn’t scary at all. The failed actor turned killer, turned possessed monster took far too long to get to the twist. Moreover, it would have been more logical to spend more time setting up the monster that he communes with, but no. Personally, I just didn’t find the idea of a serial killer all that scary, particularly after last season’s supernatural stuff.

Overall, it has some bright moments but for the most part it struggles to be scary in any way.

2/5

Pros.

The handling of the racist police force

How they tied it into the first season

Cons.

It isn’t scary

It takes until the final episode to get good

It is much weaker written than the first season

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Tales Of The Empire: A Further Glimpse Into The Inquisitors

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Morgan Elsbeth and Barriss Offee, have their lives explored.

So for the most part I thought this was a really good anthology series. I liked that we got to see more of two groups that I am really interested in The Nightsisters and The Inquisitors, I think both are fascinating and would watch a solo show about either in a heartbeat.

I thought that Offee’s story was by far the better of the two, the majority of my complaints with the series come from the Morgan side of things but we will get there. It was interesting to see Offee go to the dark side, and see how easy it was for young Jedi’s to come to believe that the order was in fact evil and turn their backs on it. It was fairly predictable that she was going to go back to the light and she did, however, it led to her death and personally I would have liked to have seen her survive. Mainly because another Star Wars series I would like to watch is a The Path show that talks about the Jedi Underground and brings back some MIA Jedi’s such as Quinlan Vos and possible Kal Kestis and Merrin.

The Morgan Elsbeth episodes started out promising with a wider exploration of Dathomir but then got bogged down in Imperial intrigue and the vague set up of Thrawn. I understand why they choose her for the other half as she is important in the Ashoka show however I would have given them to someone else as I think watching her become mad with power felt a little boring.

Overall, more good than bad and some very welcome exploration.

3.5/5

Pros.

Offee’s journey

An exploration of the Inquisitors and The Nightsisters

It sets up a lot of interesting things

The animation is really well done

Cons.

The Morgan Elsbeth plotline gets bogged down

It has an iffy pace at times

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The Fall Guy: The Best Blockbuster That We Have Been Given In Years

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A stuntman, Ryan Gosling, must go through hell and highwater in order to solve the mystery of an actors disappearance and reunite with his lost love, Emily Blunt.

I would argue though it will be a controversial opinion that Blunt and Gosling have better chemistry here than he did with Margot Robbie last year in Barbie. I think the film is made all the better for their relationship being front and centre to the film as the love story aspect really gives you something to root for and hold onto during the film.

I also liked that this film felt like a push back against a lot of the worst trends of recent Hollywood blockbusters, there was no dumb over the top CGI fight, the characters had humour and felt like real people, and crucially there was little to no identity politics. There was a line about toxic masculinity which was played for laughs and said by the villain of the piece to show how it was just another way to manipulate people into going along with her.

This film felt like in many ways the sort of film we used to get 10 years ago, before Hollywood decided to tie its fate to left wing politics and repeat every social justice buzz word they have heard online for points alienating half their audience in the process. You could argue in many senses that Blunt’s character here is a girl boss trope done right, she is in charge yet she also is allowed to have emotions and not be perfect, which makes a change from the self-serious, stoic, no nonsense girl bosses we often see, or the I’m so random iteration of the girl boss.

I would say my main issue with the film was that the second act went on for far too long and became bloated. If it had been better paced the film would have naturally flowed a lot better.

Overall, a solid and fun blockbuster

4/5

Pros.

It is fun

It doesn’t take itself too seriously

The stunts

The characters are likeable

Cons.

The second act is bloated

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Transformers 40th Anniversary Event: A Glorified DVD Extra

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Most of the original cast from the very first Transformers series get back together to rerecord the first few episodes, and you get to watch them do it.

This experience made me realise I am not as big a Transformers fan as I thought I was. It also made me realise the dire state that the Transformers IP is in. Before the proceedings began we got a new look at the upcoming Chris Hemsworth film, which looks awful just awful who wants Megatron and Optimus Prime as slacker pals- no one is the answer. Then we saw a look at some children’s show which looked equally awful, my main takeaway from that was what a horrible to look that sight 3D animation is.

To me this experience which was just the first few episodes stitched back together again just stank of desperation. Paramount knows that it is in trouble, it is considering being bought out, so what does it do to make money it releases this. There is no artistry in this, no need to see it at the cinema, it is just like watching DVD extras at home. The irritating thing about it is that the first few episodes are split-screen between seeing what is happening in the episode and seeing the voice actors reading it out, this is incredibly distracting and I wish they had done it either with just them reading it, no cartoon, or with just the cartoon as is.

The most interesting bit of it was hearing some interviews with the original voice actors but again that was maybe 5 minutes of the wider runtime,

Overall, this feels like Paramount trying to fleece a cinema ticket out of die hard fans, and is nothing more than a glorified DVD extra.

1/5

Pros.

The interviews are entertaining

Cons.

There is not enough time spent talking to the original cast

The episodes are poorly spliced together, they should take out the ad break section to make it feel more cinematic

It is a glorified DVD extra

The split-screen is a bad choice

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The Bad Batch Season 3 Overview: One Last Time Into The Fire

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Batch are back for one last fight against the Empire.

I would say that this is the best Star Wars related piece of media in a long while. Now I am not saying season 3 is perfect, because there is still a little fat that could have been trimmed off it and a new episodes that felt like filler, such as when they brought back Ventress for no real reason.

However, that aside I thought this season was the best one yet, I think that though we did get some filler, it was far, far less than we had in previous seasons. For the most part the season kept to a terrific pace which kept the tension going throughout, episode double acts such as the one at Rex’s base were incredibly well done and were the best thing I have seen out of Star Wars in a long time.

Moreover, the emotional stakes they managed to create over the course of the season were incredible, I didn’t think they would be able to top the heartbreak that was Tech’s death last season, but they came damn close here. I think the final scene of the series between Hunter and Omega is incredibly powerful and will spark even the toughest Star Wars fan to have a tear in their eye.

Overall, the series ended on a high.

4.5/5

Pros.

The action

The stakes

Where it leaves off

The final charge of the clones

It pays off in so many ways

Cons.

I would have liked to see Rex arrive in the final episode

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