Halo: Contact

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Master Chief, played by Pablo Schreiber, breaks into TV.

This first episode was a mixed bag for me, certainly not as good as I was hoping it would be, but also not as bad as some out there would have you believe, simply by existing this won’t destroy all copies of the games and novels and won’t forever change the Halo universe for the worse.

My main issue with this show was how much like The Mandalorian it felt, straight down to the stoic lead taking on a younger sidekick who then forces them to confront their views on life; doesn’t sound much like Halo does it? In many ways Master Chief is side-lined, with Kwan, played by Yerin Ha, being the real lead, if this continues to be the case throughout the series I doubt I’ll make it till the end.

I also did not like how the show seems more interested in rebellion against the UNSC, then it does with the war against the Covenant, but hey only one can stand in as a thinly vailed comment on real world injustice right? We all know every show that comes out now has to feature it in some way, escapism is dead.

Chief taking off his helmet for quite a long stretch near the end doesn’t really bother me too much, neither does the fact that this show spits all over the series lore as I was not particularly invested in the property before watching this.

The things I did enjoy about it were twofold. Firstly, I appreciated the fact that this series actually looks like it had some money spent on it, yes I am looking at you Cad Bane in The Book Of Boba Fett, by that I mean this series boasts some fairly well done visuals and the effects mostly hold up across this first episode.

Secondly, this opening chapter featured some nice well shot action which I also enjoyed, hopefully as the series goes on we will get more of that.

Overall, a redeemable if troubled start.

Pros.

The action

The effects

Schreiber

Cons.

Side-lining Chief

Copying the Mandalorian

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Jackass Forever: It Is Sad Watching Old Men Embarrass Themselves For A Cheap Laugh

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

This needs to be the last Jackass movie.

I had heard good word of mouth going into this film so I had moderate to high expectations for it and honestly I was kind of bored by it, there were a few moments of good old fashioned Jackass goodness peppered in here and there but for the most part you can’t escape a sense of desperation.

Said desperation is on ready display across this film as the gang seem to give up on doing anything remotely interesting stunt wise and instead are just keen to do gross out bits wherein they get their dicks out, by the fourth or fifth time someone was showing off their dick I really started to realise that they have just run out of ideas.

Worse yet are the celebrity cameos which feel like they were only included for the trailer of the film, that is how fleeting they are, no doubt they will release another .5 version and show more celebrity footage but as it stands Machine Gun Kelly and Eric André are in the film for such a short amount of time that it makes you question whether the film production could afford their day rates.

Overall, long over the hill.

Pros.

A few entertaining moments

The opening skit is pretty good

Cons.

It feels desperate

It isn’t funny anymore

The celebrity cameos

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The Phantom Of The Open: Aim For The Bunker, Then Hit The Green.

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The true story of the worst golfer of all-time.

This was an unexpected treat, made doubly so by the fact that this film was directed by Craig Roberts one of the most underrated talents working today, until watching this I was not even aware that Roberts had moved into directing but I can now say it suits him.

This film was the perfect balance of trippy abstractness and British working class values, never fully leaning to one or the other and though that might sound strange or even paradoxical it works well. Moreover, the film is incredibly uplifting and feel good which after the couple of years we have all just had gives it an extra point from me, there were multiple times whilst viewing that I had a smile on my face.

Mark Rylance is outstanding in the lead and really sells both the character and his journey, as such I think it would be nigh on impossible to watch this film and not be rooting for Flitcroft as he is incredibly affable.

Overall, one of the best films of the year so far, certainly check it out.

Pros.

The abstract scenes

Rylance

The feel good aspects

The ending

Cons.

A few slight structural issues

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The Afterparty: Everyone Hates High School Reunions

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A high school reunion takes a turn for the macabre as one of the attendees is found dead.

I thought this was a great series, one of the best I have seen in a while. It totally nails most of what it is going for and delivers laughs, shocks and sweet moments fairly on the regular.

I enjoyed the format and thought the idea of having each person’s story be told through a different genre formatting was a really interesting idea that let the show play around with a lot, it also helped keep the show feeling fresh.

I thought the whole cast was strong and each had their own moment to shine over the course of the series. It really is a testament to what a talented and committed cast can achieve. Moreover, this series also features Jamie Demetriou which as a fan of Stath Lets Flats is a big win for me: I thought his character of Walt was frequently a scene stealer.

I thought the mystery as a whole was well done and thought out as it proved my predictions for who the killer was to be inaccurate and surprised me with its reveal, which again is a tick for me.

Overall, one of the best shows on Apple TV for sure.

Pros.

It is funny

It has a good mystery

The cast are all really good

It plays around with different genres and formats

Demetriou

Cons.

Whilst the wrap up reveal was good it felt a little convenient in places.

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The Duke: Down With The TV License

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A working class man, played by Jim Broadbent, steals a priceless work of art to blackmail the British government into doing more for senior citizens.

I enjoyed a lot about this film, I thought that it was inspiring, a nice look into a forgotten time period of British history, and also boasted a great message as well. Furthermore, this film really highlighted Broadbent’s acting abilities and becomes a fine showcase for him, he manages to cover the whole range from affable to anger and fully sinks into the character.

However, there was something about it that left me cold, which is hard to put my finger on.

My main issues with the film were the awful pacing which made it stretch on for far longer than it needed to, even brushing up to becoming boring at times, and the inclusion of the Anna Maxwell Martin character: who seemed to exist solely to make the statement that not all posh people are bad. Martin’s character is basically reduced to a cliché, and her appearance during the trial scene was cringey as hell and made the scene itself hard to watch.

Overall, a perfectly fine film but one that is also easily forgotten.

Pros.

The message

Broadbent

It shines a light on a lesser known event in British history

Cons.

The pacing

Martin

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1408: Did Someone Call The Hotel Inspector?

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A haunted house investigator, played by John Cusack, finally meets his match.

I have been a fan of Stephen King for many years and watched many of the adaptions of his work, however, this one has always slipped through my grasp, for reasons unknown. Upon watching it now I wish I had watched it sooner.

For the most part this is a good haunted house film, the story is suitably scary and the threat feels very real, Samuel L. Jackson does a lot with a very limited roll, and the dated early 2000s CGI effects bring an element of fond nostalgia with them. I would say the film crosses the line into unintentionally funny a few times, but for the most part this isn’t the case.

I saw the director’s cut ending and enjoyed it immensely I thought it managed to nail the tone perfectly between bleak and intriguing, I am aware there are several different endings out there and tried to watch as many of them as I could after watching this film to see which worked the best- I found the director’s cut ending was the best.

My one complaint of this film would be John Cusack. Now, this is only a light criticism but it must be said, Cusack is playing himself here as he often does, if you don’t like Cusack’s shtick then you will find his character irritating and annoying so that may hamper your enjoyment of this film.

Overall, a fun charming horror film.

Pros.

Jackson

The director’s cut ending

The dated CGI

The scares

Cons.

Cusack is not even trying to act here

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The Cursed: A New Breed Of Werewolf

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A British hamlet falls prey to a Romani curse and becomes the hunting ground for a werewolf.

This was by no means a perfect film, however, as far as the werewolf sub-genre goes it was fairly competent.

I enjoyed the visuals and the fact that this film held nothing back in the gore department, I also appreciated the originality of the premise and how the werewolf came to be; though I will be remiss if I don’t mention the fact it furthers negative concepts about the Roma community.

Moreover, I thought Boyd Holbrook was surprisingly good here, not only was he a welcome on-screen presence but he was also trying to act, and though his accent was inconsistent he did give a good performance for the most part and sunk into the character.

My main criticism of the film would be that it has quite bad pacing issues and feels far longer than it actually is. I would not say the film becomes boring, but I would say it comes dangerously close to it several times.

Overall, a fairly decent werewolf film though nothing to write home about.

Pros.

Holbrook

The originality

The visuals

Cons.

Furthering negative stereotypes about the Romany people

The pacing

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Rescued By Ruby: Netflix Goes For The Pure Flix Crowd

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another dog film.

This is trash quite frankly. Netflix wonders why it is slipping behind the other streaming services and losing more and more customers well this is why, for a subscription to one of the most expensive streaming services on the market, which has just put its prices up, to be making this kind of bargain bin content is frankly insulting to customers. I have a strong belief that over the coming decade Netflix will be outpaced, outflanked and ultimately fade into obscurity unless they change their act.

Such is the poor quality of this film that I thought for sure it was a Pure Flix release, in many ways this film has a lot of the same imagery and moments as one of those uber Christian films: maybe there has been a mix up?

Moreover, this film highlights to the nth degree how lucky Grant Gustin is to have The Flash to fall back on as this film proves without any doubt that he can’t act, and lacks any kind of leading man charm. If I were Gustin I would be hoping with all my might that The Flash gets picked up for another 5 seasons as there aren’t any other offers coming in.

Overall, it almost feels like Netflix is trying to force me to cancel my subscription.

Pros.

People like dogs

Cons.

It feels like a Pure Flix film

Gustin

It is dull and tedious to get through

Everything about it is deeply cliched

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Dog: The Scars Of War On Man And Dog

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An army vet, played by Channing Tatum, is tasked with taking a service dog cross country to its former handlers funeral.

In many ways this film was Channing Tatum’s big return to the silver screen in a major role and in his returning he has reminded us all why we liked him so much to begin with. Throughout this film Tatum is charming and relatable at every turn and you really buy into his character’s struggles with PTSD. Moreover, you not only buy into but become invested in the relationship between him and the dog.

I thought the film was a sweet tale of lost people, friendship and starting over. The heart of the film was always in the completely correct place and the emotional payoff hits you like a ton of bricks, if you are a dog person I think it will be impossible to watch this film without crying, I myself am more of a cat person but even I was feeling emotional.

My only issue with the film was that it suffered from a few pacing issues and I thought some of the asides and side stories it featured did nothing to advance the plot in any meaningful way.

Overall, a sweet film about a man and his dog. Welcome back Channing.

Pros.

Tatum

The emotions

How it handles service and the effects of PTSD

The ending

Cons.

Pacing issues

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Cheaper By The Dozen: An Advertisement For Birth Control

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

What the hell is this? Who asked for or wanted this? Is Martin Scorsese right is cinema dying?

Everyone knew this was going to be bad, who wanted a reboot of Cheaper By The Dozen after all, but no one knew just how bad it was going to be.

Firstly right off the bat this film reads like a diversity checklist, there is nothing wrong with having a diverse cast, but there is everything wrong with turning it into a checklist where these characters only exist to fit a representational quota. This is furthered by the fact that a lot of these characters read as racial stereotypes, and feel so far over the top that quite frankly it is offensive.

Secondly, this film is the most cringey, out of touch film I have seen in the last few years. The script reads as though it was written by a group of executives shouting out trendy buzz words they have learnt on twitter, and through the one time their grandkid showed them TikTok. Speaking of this film is clearly sponsored by TikTok as the film makes constant mention of it in nearly every scene. An example of everything wrong with the writing of this film can be boiled down to one bit of dialogue early in the film wherein the narrator explains that their dogs are called ‘Bark Obama and Joe Biten’, that is the claibur of film we are dealing with here.

Finally, the very worse crime of this film is that it has no reason to exist. It does nothing new with the property, all it does is rehash and try and recapture what the Steve Martin films did all those years ago, this highlights just how creatively bankrupt Disney and Hollywood both are.

Overall, Disney pumps out trash like this to distract you from the fact that they are removing any trace of LGBTQ+ identity from their releases and are filming near forced labour camps in China.

Pros.

Zach Braff is getting some work

Cons.

The diversity checklist approach

There is no need for this to exist

It feels cynical and hollow

It is cringe

All of the references to TikTok

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