Crystal Lake Season Overview: Nothing Is Sacred Anymore.

Summary: the Friday the 13th series is bastardised for content.

Rather than Jason being the way he is due to being a kid who drowned when councillors weren’t looking, he’s now also a mutant. The addition of this cockroach backstory is so dumb that it makes you want to stop watching the second you hear it. This reeks of a creative wanting to put his own stamp on the material rather than respecting basic canon.

On top of that due to the fact it’s 2026 and you’re not allowed to have villains anymore, let alone female villains as that would be bigoted, they make Pamela into a tragic figure. Pamela goes on to murder a series of teenagers for doing nothing wrong, however, herein this is a result of her “trauma” and that means she is not a monster and that you should feel bad for her. This age wherein you can’t be held accountable for anything due to your trauma or mental health is a culturally cancer, she is a monster and the shows efforts to make you care about her shows how morally bankrupt it is. This is doubled down on by the fact that rather than say she’s a monster they make it out that she is only the way she is due to evil institutions.

Overall, garbage that doesn’t respect the franchise.

0.5/5

Pros.

It’s so bad it’s funny at times

Cons.

They butcher the canon

They make Pamela sympathetic

It is whiny

We have to examine trauma yet again

It’s badly paced

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Her Personal Hell: Let Nicholas Winding Refn Direct The Death Stranding Series

Summary: a bizarre cross between the Neon Demon, a video game and possibly Only God Forgives.

To be blunt this is one for the fans, if you haven’t watched a lot of NWF’s films you will likely feel lost and somewhat alienated by this film. If you have you will see a marriage between several of them as we stated in the summary.

For the abstract world of Refn outside of his Pusher films and Drive, this film is perhaps the most standard plot wise, the interpretive elements are turned down and more is spelt out.

The characters are strong, Sophie Thatcher fits well within the world and could prove to be as good a muse as Mads Mikkelsen or Ryan Gosling. Thatcher has to do a lot of heavy lifting and she pulls it off well.

There are a few outstanding questions around genre, is this a horror film, a thriller, an action film, somewhere in-between but that’s the beauty of the material.

Overall, a great film.

4.5/5

Pros.

The style

Thatcher

It’s a compelling narrative

The ending

The elements of Japanese mythology

Cons.

The pacing

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The Ice Cream Man: Eli Roth Is Back On Form

Summary: an evil ice cream man is giving kids ice cream that makes them kill their parents.

Thanksgiving was a good film, but it has been a while since we last heard from Eli Roth so expectations were high for this film and for the most part he delivered.

Now there is a hullabaloo about oh no the film uses AI, to that we say grow up most films do and just don’t tell you, see Supergirl. If you think the effects shots in Brand New Day didn’t have any AI involvement then you need to put the beverage down and get serious.

The thing that is perhaps the hardest to understand is what the tone is, as the film is both very dark and also very silly, you could argue it is a comedy horror perhaps. Once you adjust to it it’s okay.

The film feels both fresh but also like it is calling back to A Nightmare On Elm Street in one key way.

The best thing the film does is how it ends, it ends in a way not typical at all for horror films, as the villain basically wins, most films have the killer stopped, the demon exorcised, the ghost sent on etc, this does not.

One thing that was not so good about the film was a line of dialogue where a 12 year old girl says “I’m a 12 year old girl of course I know how to make myself sick”. Bulimia is a very serious condition and it should not be made light off particularly with teens who are often prone to eating disorders and suicidality. It’s a throwaway line it’s not like they dwell on it but it’s a clumsy line that harms an otherwise good film.

4/5

Pros.

The ending

The gore

The tone once you adjust

The Ice Cream Man

Cons.

The Bulimia line

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Teenage Sex And Death At Camp Miasma: The Musings Of A Pervert

Summary: everything wrong with modern horror.

Where to start, one could start with the filmmaker who made this made I Thought I Saw The TV Glow one of the most unwell horror films ever made that made trans people look bad. He is not a filmmaker that should have been given a bigger budget to make another film.

You could mention how Gillan Anderson has exploited the LGBTQ+ market for years, pretending that she is Bi-Sexual when she only ever dates men, but won’t say that as then she’ll lose gigs like this.

You could also mention Hannah Einbinder and her hate filled views about Israel and the Jews and how she embodies the very worst of modern progressive values.

Much like with many modern progressives the director of this film has to make his personal identity central to it. The film heavily features trans messages, the Jason stand in, is claimed to be both a boy and a girl, you can only be one or the other, and dies due to the camp councillors being bigots. The eye roll is real.

At times the film would almost be funny if viewed as a parody but it just inst that. Einbinder’s character is brought in to update his horror franchise and make it less transphobic, again it borders on parody.

Anderson’s character is in a polygamous relationship she doesn’t like, but no doubt it is still better than monogamy as God forbid you conform. Anderson can only climax if she thinks she’s being watched by the killer from her old slasher franchise and then has age inappropriate sex with a much younger Einbinder.

Einbinder character creates a new version of the slasher franchise wherein the killer kills her parents, agent and superiors, one wonders what the incredibly on the nose message the director/writer wants us to see here. She then later dies in the film within a film by being stabbed with a spear as she orgasms during sex. There is something deeply sick and perverse about this film.

Overall, this film shouldn’t be made and the director should not work again.

The film is flopping even on a tiny budget

0/5

Cons.

The age inappropriate relationship

It makes lesbians and the broader LGBTQ+community look bad, as they only seem to have dark fetish sex

It is badly paced

It borders on parody

It is entirely disconnected from reality of any kind

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Scream 7: Free Scream From Melissa Barrera

Summary: The franchise goes back to it’s roots and brings back Sidney, Neve Campbell.

So we’ll say this up front, a hell of a lot of the reviews aren’t talking about the film at all they are talking about politics. They don’t like that Melissa Barrera was fired for abhorrent political views and think trashing the film now will give her some retribution? Anyway, if they want to destroy their own credibility then fine, but for us it’s on with the show.

So for the most part this was an enjoyable film, it was good to see Sidney again, I would have liked slightly more Gale but it was still a cheer worthy moment when she came back, taking down the killer.

It would have been a better pay off if Stu was in fact the killer, even with the weird amnesia angle, as it stood it is a little underwhelming when they reveal who the killers are. However, it works in a meta sense if you think the fans are the killer, the fans’ demand for Sidney to come back etc. If you think about it like that it still works. There is a good chance they may actually bring back Stu for Scream 8.

The teens weren’t given a whole lot to do, and were all distractingly old for teens, Isabel May specifically. The ending that had her follow in her mother’s survivor footsteps was good, however, the relationship between her and Sidney was a bit wooden, there could have been more done to make that feel real and human.

Overall, fun and enjoyable with only a few minor issues.

4/5

Pros.

The focus on Sidney

The ending transformation of Tatum

Joel McHale stole the scenes he was in

Gale’s entrance

Cons.

The reveal is a little weak, but works in a meta sense.

Isabel May needs to be less wooden

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The Strangers Chapter 3: People Are Strange When You’re A

Summary, so we got the answer of who the Strangers are and the answer is that they are just a bunch of random people. I don’t know why I expected something more, I really don’t. I was hoping they would be part of some grand murder society that was operating all over the US, perhaps even in league with the government for population control, ala the Purge, but no just random nobodies. I thought that was why the town all knew but didn’t say anything about the Strangers but no, it was just the Sheriff’s son and I guess they are scared of him.

The idea that the ginger girl from Riverdale is going to take over as the leader of the Strangers, is odd. She suffers a number of tragedies but that doesn’t just flip a switch in your mind and go okay I am going to kill now. It doesn’t work like that. Perhaps we’ll soon have a girlboss Strangers film wherein the Strangers are all female, perhaps we can get Paul Feig in for that.

Honestly they keep this franchise going as it costs so little to make they turn a profit but I don’t see where it has to go from here, the Strangers are dead, maybe the Riverdale girl takes over but then it’s just her on her own, everything has been explained rather poorly, so yeah it seems like this is the end.

Overall, it’s okay it’s more of the same but don’t expect an interesting ending.

2.5/5

Pros

A few good kills

Some good jump scares

It is short

Cons.

It is underwhelming

The kills are unimaginative

It is boring in parts

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Silent Night Deadly Night: Killing Nazi’s and Pedophiles

Summary

Santa’s gonna slay.

So for the most part I enjoyed this film and found it to be charming and over the top, I liked the slasher aspects but also how it was flipped by having the slasher being the hero of the story. The kills were suitably gory, if you’re a gore hound you’ll eat well here.

I thought that the romance between the lead and Ruby Modine was a lovely surprise, I thought it was believable and gave the film a nice centre to work around, the ending wherein Ruby’s character accepted the lead for who he was and believed his Santa curse is also a nice change of pace from running away and acting like the character is evil and pretending like all murder is the same. I thought that the ending wherein she took over the curse also set things up nicely for a sequel.

The only thing I would point to as being a draw back for the film is that at times it is a little depressing in how its styled and how the world looks, there is a gloom to it all and that can dampen the fun a bit.

Overall, a great way to reboot a slasher franchise.

4/5

Pros.

It is fun

The kills are good

The romance

The ending and future

Cons.

It is a bit depressing at times

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Final Destination 5: Death VS Corporate America

Summary

Death decides to attack corporate America.

I enjoyed that this film tried to tie itself into the previous films, even if the idea it is a prequel makes little to no sense. I also thought it was sweet to see some of the highlights from across the franchise in the films end credits.

I would say that the plot was a little thin on the ground here, much like with the fourth film, however, at least they brought back Tony Todd as William Bloodsworth for a meaty role.

The deaths were good particularly the massage parlour crushing, however, I can see why they retired the franchise for a while after this, the deaths have lost some of their creepiness and creativity, and it does just seem like they were going for gross out shock value.

My main issue with the film was that there was too much talking and melodrama, the film seemed to be more focused on this than Death getting its vengeance at times.

I would argue that this is better than the fourth and sixth films in the franchise but worse than the original trilogy.

Overall, a mixed bag of a film.

3/5

Pros.

The ending

The love for past films

The massage parlour death

Cons.

Too much melodrama

A thin plot

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The Strangers Chapter Two: Destroying The Myth Of The Franchise

Summary

The Strangers are back.

Did you want to know that the Strangers met at a Christian school? No, well maybe this film is not for you. So this film is incredibly intent on trying to tease out and explain the origins of the Strangers, the people behind the mask, and when it gives you that information it is the most generic thing you could imagine.

There was absolutely no need to make this a trilogy, really the Strangers as a brand should have been left alone after Prey At Night, we didn’t need this. If anything this effort is just ruining the brand by overly explaining everything.

Then there is the pacing as you can imagine, remember, trilogy, this film is slow to the point of being off putting. It is basically just one long chase sequence of the Strangers going after the one who got away, the film starts and ends like that, there is no final showdown in the film it is clearly an in-between effort.

Really the only cool thing here is when the Strangers set a blood hound boar onto the lead in an effort to track her down and presumably kill her. That was unexpected and fun, but that was it.

Overall, this was a bad idea.

0.5/5

Pros.

The boar scene

Cons.

The plot

The reveal of who the Strangers are

The pacing

The scares

The filler new characters

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Final Destination Four: Cheap Tricks To Appease James Cameron

Summary

Death is at the races.

After the height of the franchise in the previous film we now get to the low point. This is easily the worst of the films.

I think for many people this was the worst of the franchise and shed a lot of fans. Certainly this one doesn’t try and do new things from a plot point of view and instead just adds in some cheap visual gimmicks, for a now dead format.

Whilst there were a few good deaths, such as the red neck in flames death, I thought for the most part they lacked some of the creativity of the previous films and felt a bit like a franchise film going through the motions. Moreover, whilst it was nice seeing the credits reference previous deaths from the other films, this would only go on to show how disappointing the deaths we get here are. Particularly the final death when the survivors just get ploughed into by a truck.

The survivors are also a lot more intensely dislikable herein, with the couples best friends being the worst of the lot, one is a brat and the other a creep and a cheat. I know we need to have side characters to not like so we can enjoy their gory deaths, but this felt like the film was taking things that bit too far in making them the worst.

Overall, this hurt the franchise in a number of key ways.

2.5/5

Pros.

Some good deaths

It is watchable

Some nostalgia plays land

Cons.

The characters are awful

It is gimmicky

The ending is terrible

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