Carrie Series Overview: Butchering The Classics

Summary: we get the modern sanitised version of Carrie for the blue haired generation.

Maybe when people were saying Mike Flanagan was a new horror master they were getting too hasty. Looking at everything he’s done it’s been declining in quality, Hush (good ish), Hill House (definitely great), Bly Manor (Mixed), Midnight Mass (Bad), The Midnight Club (Bad), House of Usher (bad). Then you get to this.

Much has been made already in other reviews of how Carrie here is not bitter or angry at her bullying, she is instead played as incredibly good natured, as we can’t handle flawed characters anymore, which makes her shift to the dark side at the end feel weird and not right.

Moreover, as we can’t have bad characters anymore as that might offend someone, the bullies in the show are not made to be sympathetic and shown to have their own problems, making Carrie’s later actions seem even worse.

You also have the fact that most of the actual horror and violence has been removed for the most part and this feels like an additional season of I Feel Pretty set in the past.

Overall, that Exorcist remake/sequel/prequel is looking pretty dicey.

1/5

Pros.

It is interesting to see some of the wider Kingverse stuff in there

Cons.

It’s dull

It feels like a teen series

The characters are butchered

The ending

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East of Eden: Series Overview Making A Monster Likeable

Summary: Steinbeck gets the modern audience treatment

So in the book Florence Pugh’s character was a monster no other way around it, however here as she said in an interview she is more of an anti hero and Pugh wants audiences to love her. That was the first red flag.

Netflix are once again content to show they cannot make anything of quality anymore and must instead ruin older books and IPs in order to try and stay relevant.

The morality of the show itself is warped in a very modern Hollywood kind of way. It is full of victims and oppressors as that is the only way Hollywood can see the world anymore, the true evil character cannot be Pugh’s character as she is a woman.

Overall, cancel your Netflix subscription

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It’s poorly paced

The characters are unlikable

The modern dayisms

Pugh

The ending

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Practical Magic: Lesbian Sisters

Summary: two young women navigate the world of men and love by way of magic.

So let’s get this out of the way earlier, there are a number of scenes where it looks like the two lead sisters are going to kiss and it is weird. Throughout the history of witches in horror particularly when it is not the old crone there is implied lesbianism, and sometimes that’s okay, but other times it feels like male titillation. There is nothing wrong with titillation but when the two leads are sisters it’s weird. Kidman and Bullock’s sister characters are far too close.

The film itself feels as though someone couldn’t decide on a structural level what this was supposed to be. It is based on a novel so perhaps the issues are from that. You have essentially two competing stories you have the curse placed on the Owens women where if they find love they die and you have the fact that Kidman’s character is going out with an abusive guy who they then kill and he comes back. This doesn’t just feel like a film of two halves it feels like two different films of different genres sown together. It doesn’t work as tonally it is too mismatched.

The ending of the film wherein the town that had attacked and belittled the sisters for being witches turns around and helps them out doesn’t cut the mustard. Neither does the fact that in the final sequence of the film they jump off a roof using magic to not die and not one person goes wait what witches are real.

Overall, whilst there are some moments of cozy comfort it feels like a more icky and poorly thought through relic of yesteryear.

2.5/5

Pros.

It’s watchable

Kidman and Bullock

There is charm

Cons.

It totally doesn’t work

The creepy stuff with the sisters

The ending

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Rings of Power Season 3: What We Know From The Trailer

First up the show is finally giving us Celeborn despite originally casting him aside in favour of a romance between Galadriel and Sauron. Looks like the bad boys can be changed, S&M, arc is over.

There is a heavy focus on the forging of the one ring which as we know happens quite late in the timeline, which means season 4 will likely be the War of the Last Alliance. It is unclear how far into the prologue of the Lord of the Rings they can go. No doubt the forging of the ring will happen over the course of multiple episodes or maybe even cut back to.

The timeline is continuing to be muddied as the Balrog is playing a larger role with Durin’s storyline, it will be interesting to see where this goes as we know that he is refusing Sauron’s envoys. It is questionable why the Balrog needs a voice actor as the role isn’t really a communicative one.

There is a shot of the Nazgnagôl, so we are getting the precursor to the Ring Wraiths, this could be good if we get the Witch King and he is maybe the villain of this season with Sauron as the big bad. Within the books and the films the Witch King is somewhat of a Bobba Fett character he is a cool presence but not that developed, the expanded works add in some details but to see the Rise of the Witch King over the season could be cool.

We don’t see that much of Galadriel in the trailer and I think that’s good, I think what needs to happen is for the established characters from the second age to take more of a prominent role and the characters the show has been developing need to take a step back. Galadriel and Sauron both have roles to play in the War of the Last Alliance obviously so where that is relevant the characters can’t take a step back.

Two things that are red flags is the amount of Gandalf we are seeing, he is another one of these characters that needs to step back. As well as this a lot of this stuff with the Blue Wizards in the east seems like it has no relevance to what is going on with the main plot with Sauron so it should be cut back. The second is the kissing/sexual scene that is shown with Galadriel, this isn’t a YA show, this is a show about increasing, the War of the Last Alliance, why can’t we stick to the point: bloat is why and the idea of luring in women even though they definitely aren’t watching.

The early ring wraiths, Witch King stuff and possibly some of the War of the Last Alliance stuff could be good, but the East stuff, Gandalf and Galadriel and her wandering eye are major red flags.

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Enola Holmes 3: The Filler/Botox Queen Returns

Summary: Because Sherlock Holmes is a silly man rather than a genius detective he goes missing and it’s down to Enola to find him.

Right from the off you have the cheapening of male characters to try and raise up the female ones. Moriarty Sherlock’s legendary foe doesn’t even care about Sherlock the whole point of capturing him was to lure out Enola. They couldn’t have given her, her own nemesis they had to take Sherlock’s, they also had to gender flip him. The question remains if you were going to gender flip the character why not just have a new character.

Then you have the fact that Milly Bobby Brown’s face is noticeably off, there has been much made of her acting in the last season Stranger Things when she could barely move her face. Here it is less severe however, they really need to cast someone else. It is a shame someone so young felt the need to do that to themselves.

There are irritating modern dayisms a-plenty they have the film set during the British “occupation of Malta” and show Maltese freedom fighters as the good guys. In historical reality Malta liked the UK and wanted to become a formal part of it like Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and voted for it in a referendum. When this became too costly Malta set out for independence, this was not at armed struggle but rather a fairly bureaucratic process. The film goes oh colonialism bad, whilst getting most of the history wrong. Of course they say that Britain stole a bunch of antiques from Afghanistan of all places, and of course Enola and co make sure Afghanistan gets it’s antiques back and the evil British go to prison. It’s so whiny and on the nose that it makes you think the film thinks you have a mental age of 2. The love interest character is so upset by the stealing of these artefacts done by his father, not him, that he renounces his landed title and seat in the House of Lords, a not at all hysterical reaction and one you could imagine from the short of folks to lie down in roads and block the streets.

Of course Sherlock is against Enola’s marriage as it will reduce her “independence”, what year is it, is this the 1990s. Even within feminist circles views on marriage have softened, a woman can get married and still be independent the idea it removes all independent hasn’t been seriously considered in decades, it’s 2026. Sherlock is forced to apologise for his anti marriage views, and Enola of course refuses to take her husband’s last name although it would have been standard practice in that time period.

Netflix is one again forcing it’s anti-traditionist, critical race theory, alternative history down the audience through in order to appease a small group of people online.

Overall, cancel your Netflix subscription.

0.5/5

Pros.

Some unintentional humour

Cons.

Milly can’t act

The message is hamfisted and incredibly on the nose

It reduces Sherlock as a character

It doesn’t need to exist

It’s badly paced

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The Sheep Detectives: Why Make This?

Summary: a group of sheep try and figure out their shepard’s murder.

One must question who this was for, the talking sheep themselves and their innocence seemed to point towards kids. Yet the subplots about sheep being forced to fight dogs and animal cruelty who seem to suggest adults.

The central premise of this film rests on how interesting the who dunnit is, and honestly the answer is not very. The answer is somewhat unsatisfactory, as it feels convoluted.

The cast both in terms of the sheep and also the human characters is a who’s who of actors sadly none of them are very memorable.

Overall, a bad idea for a film turns into a badly made film.

1.5/5

Pros.

A few funny jokes

It’s short

Cons.

The tone is off

The cast is wasted

The horrible subplot

The mystery is dull

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A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms Series Overview: Lighter Game Of Thrones

Summary, a hedge knight tries to make a way for himself in the world.

In many ways this has a lot of interesting stuff around it, such as Summerhall, the Blackfyre Rebellion etc. However the issue centrally with the show is that Dunk’s journey isn’t all that interesting. It gets better when you have the accusations and the trail but the first few episodes are slow.

The comedy or the lighter aspects are what stood out for all the wrong reasons however, Game of Thrones and Westeros as a whole is a serious place. Yes there are sillier elements and yes the Dunk and Egg side of things explore them but having a shot of Dunk pooing within the first episode just feels try hard and juvenile.

Tonally a lighter show could work but it needs to read the room a bit more and to be able to take itself seriously at times too.

The idea at the end of the show that Dunk thinks he just brings bad luck and gets people killed and as such is sad, doesn’t work when he’s only known he’s people for about 5 minutes in some cases.

Overall, an interesting idea that needs a tighter execution.

3/5

Pros.

The world

The trial

The things it sets up

Cons.

The comedy

The slowness

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The Magic Faraway Tree: The Most Unlikable Character Ever Put To Film

So when they announced an adaptation of The Magic Far Away Tree, the hunt began to search for the modern audience slop. You knew it would be there, and whilst there is some race swapping for the most part you’d argue it is mostly free of it. That’s a win.

The film for the most part is fun and family friendly, they waste Rebecca Ferguson as the villain but other than that the film is escapist family fun.

However, there is one person who ruins the film and every scene she is in, and that is the eldest daughter who is just horrible. The way she speaks to people and her entitled attitude are often so bad that you think the film is trying to show her off as the villain, she also causes two of the major negative events in the film out of her own selfishness. She is the proto typical, I am offended type and feels like she would be out marching on a weekend. Even at the end of the film when she has supposedly learnt her lesson she hasn’t really she’s still similar.

Overall, a fun film that could have been better if they had not written the eldest child to be a terrible human being.

3/5

Pros

It’s fun

It’s well paced

It manages whimsy well

Cons.

The eldest child is awful

They waste Rebecca Ferguson

Project Hail Mary: Grogu 2.0

A school teacher helps his government and then is drugged and forcibly sent on a suicide mission.

This was a flawed film, in that it could comfortably have been 2 hours, there was no need for it to be as long as it was and a hell of a lot of it was filler scenes.

Rocky is easily the heart of the film and all of the scenes with him make the film, including the emotional payoffs. One would say that Rocky upstages Ryan Gosling across the course of the film repeatedly, and Rocky does at times have that sort of Baby Yoga energy.

In terms of being a hard science fiction film, the Martian is a lot better as it has a tighter focus and is less meandering, Interstellar is better as well. However, there is some appeal in that aspect here, it simply isn’t better than some of the other films in the space.

Overall, a competent film but nothing that will knock your socks off. Rocky will be a fan favourite.

3/5

Pros.

Rocky

The ending

It has appeal as a hard/realistic science fiction film

Cons.

The pacing is bad

It has been done better before

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Wuthering Heights: Hollywierd

Summary where to start with this

So before we get into it, let’s point out two things this film does firstly, it normalizes and fetishizes abusive relationships, and secondly it decided to promote itself by implying an affair between the two leads despite Robbie having a husband and small child. Already deeply toxic.

The first scene of the film, which was not in the book, is a man being hung with an erection and Robbie’s character and her friends being noticeably turned on by it. So in the first scene we are seeing men being objectified even in death and a nod to necrophilia.

Not to be outdone Cathy then watches a BDSM party in the barn and then masturbates. Do you remember that being in the books? No because it wasn’t. It is more of this Fifty Shades depravity, yes women are sexual, yes women masturbate but this is just crude smut. It reads as a fan fiction porn version of the original book.

In the book Heathcliff psychologically abuses Isabella and rapes her, here that is normalised saying that they are in a BDSM relationship. Which again shows you the twisted morality at the core of this film.

Honestly there is nothing wrong with sex in films, there is nothing wrong with films being erotic but when they are encouraging necrophilia, watching people have sex without their consent, and normalising abuse through BDSM, you have to have a series of questions about have things gone too far.

Very much a film for the female gaze, but remember if a film was released where a man was turned on by the dying body of a woman and masturbated watching people have sex, folks would call it sick and demand it’s removal. It is not okay just because it is a woman.

Overall, this is depraved smut for the over 40s bored housewife who needs extremes to feel anything anymore.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

This isn’t a book adaption

It encourages and normalises deeply problematic behaviour such as watching people have sex without their consent and necrophilia

It normalises abusive relationships

It uses sex for shock value

It has pacing issues

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