The Long Kiss Goodnight: Is It Really Christmas Without A Shane Black Film?

Summary

An amnesiatic school teacher, played by Geena Davis, must team up with a private detective, played by Samuel L. Jackson, in order to get to the bottom of a sinister conspiracy.

A lot of these sort of Neo-Noir films do tend to blend together, they all have similar features, characters and themes and ultimately struggle to feel truly different to one another. That is the main issue with this film, in that I feel like nothing about it is organic, nothing is fresh and unseen.

However, though that is a problem for the film Shane Black’s writing helps to save it, as it is spot on not just in terms of tone and pace but also in terms of crafting characters and a world that you end up caring about even if it is just the same old same old.

Furthermore, the words are really brought together by the performances of both Davis and Jackson and not only do they end up embodying the characters but also give such immersive performances that you forget you are watching a film and feel like you are looking through a window in the real world outside.

Overall, though generic and formulaic in many ways Black’s strong writing and Davis and Jackson’s commendable performances help to make this a good film.

4/5

Pros.

The writing

The performances

The ending

The tone and the emotion

Cons.

It is very cliched and generic at times

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Strange Worlds: Disney’s Fear Of LGBTQ+ Kisses Reaches New Heights

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

3 generations of a family of explorers go on an adventure to save their planet.

This film is fine, just fine. In terms of family adventure films it hits all the areas you would expect it to, but it doesn’t do anything new or exciting with the concept. Likewise in terms of thematic narratives, the idea of fathers and sons being different and having to recognise and accept that difference in order to have healthy relationships is nice to see repeated but again a message that a lot of other films have hit better before.

Moreover, this film does two things I really don’t like and that I think hurt it dramatically. Firstly it is gutless in its LGBTQ romance, it has a Gay male romance sheerly to use it as a smoke screen to show off how progressive as a company Disney are, but then when it comes to the big final moment at the end of the film where these chaps would kiss the film instead opts for an arm around the other instead. Why is that? Well frankly it is because Disney is gutless and wants to have their cake and eat it to, they want to appear progressive but also not offend the Chinese market or the right wing western market that might have a problem with this. It doesn’t cut both ways. I would have liked this film more and respected Disney more as a company if the two guys had kissed at the end.

Secondly, I dislike how the entire second and third act is an incredibly thinly vailed message about the environment, that not only reads as shallow and without anything new to add, but also as preachy and condescending. The vast bulk of the latter stages of the film just boil down to a lecture on how we are killing the planet, as though this is something the average moviegoer can change, it isn’t by the way that’s a job for world leaders but hey.

Overall, gutless and poor.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

There are a few endearing characters

Cons.

Disney is too afraid to have its same sex characters kiss

The environmental message is irritating and blatant

It has pacing issues

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Your Christmas Or Mine: Whoever Wrote This Doesn’t Understand England As Country Or How People Interact

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After parting at Christmas a young couple decide to surprise each other by getting onto the other’s train, but are then both surprised when the other isn’t there and has to spend Christmas with their families.

I found this film infuriating, the writing is so damn poor that any chance it ever had of being a new Christmas based rom-com to be remembered for years to come is quickly squandered in the first few minutes. The fact that it takes them a long time to even have the character explain the mix up to their other halves’ family and until that point just has them be a stranger in the household that no one questions is baffling.

Asa Butterfield does make for a likeable lead but the rest of the cast are either miscast, going through the motions or are non-entities, what is really shocking is how the film wastes some veteran performers as well.

The central romance is fairly weak and all the trials and tribulations the pair have to go through are nothing you haven’t seen done better before.

Overall, an incredibly poorly written Christmas rom-com.

Pros.

Butterfield is trying

It is unintentionally hilarious

Cons.

The writing is terrible

It wastes some great actors

The wider casting is all wrong

The pace is very much off

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Pieces: Peril In The Parish

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The film follows the disappearance of a priest’s wife.

Whilst this film is watchable, the mystery really isn’t anything to write home about at all. Everything that happens over the course of the film feels like a checkbox that the writers are ticking off as they go along whilst constantly referring back to the how to write a cliched mystery film guide book. Nothing feels surprising or organic whenever something happens it is met with a well obviously.

In addition the film finds it hard to maintain a sense of tension and for the most part struggled to keep my attention. I found myself getting distracted a lot whilst watching or just switching off because the film was not engaging me in anyway. What makes this worse is the incredibly slow pace that only draws out these problems to a point where they become unbearable.

The film isn’t awful and the performances do raise the bar somewhat and try and make up for the other weaker elements but even they aren’t enough.

Overall, a weak and incredibly obvious mystery film.

Pros.

It is watchable

The performances are mostly good

Cons.

It is obvious

It is cliched

It is boring

The pace is painful at times

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Witchfinder General: Those Who Claim To Be Holy And Righteous Often Aren’t

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A sadistic witchfinder general, played by Vincent Price, makes life hell for residents of one British village.

There are things to like about this film, such as the distinctly British folk horror feeling that permeates almost every frame of the film, to the decidedly gothic and sinister sense of horror that makes us question all we know about witch hunters and also highlights the darker aspects to the witch trials in terms of morality.

However, for me personally I found this film quite slow going. The pace was really quite oppressive at times, and no I am not some TikTok child with a few second attention span I have watched many other longer films than this it is just the way this one is paced that is the issue. Things take a long time to get going and when they do they all follow a fairly predictable and entry level plot pattern that leads to a very obvious ending.

Overall, though I appreciate the folk horror elements, I find the slow pace and the predictability make this film hard for me to get on board with.

Pros.

The gothic sense of horror

The distinctly British folk horror elements

It is watchable

Cons.

The pace

The predictability

The ending

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Disquietude: Getting Through The Day

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An abuse survivor becomes trapped within her PTSD isolation.

This was a moving film in many ways. I think it says a lot about trauma and how we process it and in some cases carry it around with us for the rest of our lives and struggle everyday under the weight of it. I think this film needs to be seen as it gives us a window into the suffering of our fellow humans and helps us to be better and to think more about the trials of other people.

This film made me cry several times over its short runtime, it is very powerful. It is hard not to care about the characters and care about what is happening to them, over the course of the short you become sucked into their dark world and see things through their eyes and trust me when I say it will stay with you.

Overall, this film is powerful and a must see for many reasons, but the darkness of it can be a little overwhelming at times however despite that I think this is a great film.

Pros.

The emotion

The message

The performances

The character journey

The ending

Cons.

The darkness can be a little overwhelming at times

Disquietude will be released early next year on veck_gems_productions YouTube channel, keep an eye out for it over there.

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The Guardians Of The Galaxy Holiday Special: Family Is The Reason For The Season

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

In order to try and cheer up Star-Lord, played by Chris Pratt, Mantis, played by Pom Klementieff, and Drax, played by Dave Bautista, head to Earth in order to kidnap the great hero Kevin Bacon.

This special works for one reason and one reason only Pom Klementieff. She gives one of the best most heart warming performances I have ever seen in a Marvel movie, she is the heart and soul of this piece and if she is even half as good in Guardians Of The Galaxy 3 then she is going to steal every scene she is in and probably the whole film. I really liked the decision to have Mantis be Quills half-sister, I thought it added a whole new emotional layer not just to the film but to the wider team that is really appreciated.

Something I didn’t personally mind but might bother some is the fact that the wider Guardians team are mostly absent, yes they get a look in every now and again but these basically amount to cameo roles this is Mantis and Drax’s film. They do introduce Cosmo the Spacedog, voiced by Maria Bakalova, who has a few funny lines and will clearly be a foil for Rocket, voiced by Bradley Cooper come the next movie, but for the most part her introduction is only brief.

There are some animated sequences at the start and the end of the special that talk more about the Quill/ Yondu, played by Michael Rooker, relationship that also add to the wider theme of emotion, love and family in this feature and really help to nicely book end the bittersweet feeling of the special more broadly.

Kevin Bacon is Kevin Bacon which to me is a good thing as the man is an icon, but to others the bit might be annoying.

Overall, a sweet memorable Christmas Special, give Klementieff a bigger part and more money for the sequel she deserves it.

Pros.

Mantis being Peter’s half-sister

The emotion

It feels like Christmas

Gunn’s understanding of these characters

Cosmo

Cons.

The wider Guardians team isn’t given much to do

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Nightfall: In Service Of A Scream

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Whilst working from home James, played by Michael Lake, hears a scream that changes his life forever and sets him off down a twisting course of mystery.

For the most part I really enjoyed this film, I thought the central mystery was good and it kept me guessing right up until the end. However, the ending for me felt a little obvious and I would have liked it more if they had gone with something a little more out of left field, in which case I would have given the film higher and the mystery would have been great all the way through.

In terms of tension I think the film manages to keep a pretty good tone, the tension slowly ramps over the first act and then really sets into going into act two. In this sense the film is quite compelling to watch and can at times be hard to look away from.

The performances are all good, however, I would single Lake out for praise here as he really does take his character on a journey over the course of the film and isn’t afraid of showing both the highs and lows of the human condition.

Overall, a mostly good mystery film that is a little undone by the ending.

Pros.

Lake

The tension

It kept me guessing

Cons.

The ending is a little obvious and that then derails the whole mystery

Some slight pacing issues

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Feed Me: One Hell Of A Memorable Way To Go Out

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After suffering a loss a man, sinks into the abyss and allows a cannibal to eat him.

I thought this film was a strong dark comedy, usually I find myself fairly mixed on the genre as they can never nail the tone of their enterprise with it either being too comedic or too dramatic and dark, however this film I feel nailed the tone perfectly.

Despite the heavier elements I found this film to be quite funny and it had me laughing a lot as I was watching it. I wouldn’t say it was a laugh a minute but it was funnier than most. The inherent comedic silliness to deciding death by cannibal works well in this films favour and makes it a lot of fun to watch.

The performances across the board are all also strong, there was no one I could point to as letting the side down everyone shone. My one criticism of this film would be that it has a very slow opening act that drags the film back, however, once past that these issues soon clear up.

Overall, a lot of fun.

Pros.

The comedy

The tone

The ending

The performances

Cons.

A very slow first act

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Bones And All: Everything Wrong With Modern Cinema, A YA Film That Thinks Its High Art

0/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young cannibalistic couple travel the US together.

Please if you will listen to just one piece of advice from a stranger on the internet today let it be this, don’t watch this film. It is just a horrible time at the cinema as it imparts the message that life is just terrible and the only way out is by your own hand as everyone you love will disappoint you and those who don’t will be taken away. There is so much darkness in this film that there is just no need for it to exist, the world is already a dark place.

Moreover, the narrative is very smug and self-indulgent thinking itself to be high art when in actual fact it is more closely resembling angst ridden YA fare, this is certainly reflected in the paper thin central romance that feels like it was written by an emo on Tumblr. Worse yet the narrative is self-defeating as the central idea of the film is Maren, played by Taylor Russell, needs to find her place in the world, yet when she finally does at the end of the film it is then taken away and she has to do it all over again showing that there was no point to the whole film.

The film also greatly fetishizes the cannibalism and has it be akin to sex at times, which feels uncomfortable from the off and never really goes away. Speaking of the film has a sex scene between Timothee Chalamet’s Lee and another man and never really addresses it or speaks about it or allows Russell’s Maren to respond to it, it is a very odd inclusion which makes the central romance narrative seem off.

Finally, if this film is seen to be an indicator for upcoming acting talent then I might just hang up my reviewing now and bid farewell to cinema for good as both of the central performances are just awful. Taylor cannot emote for one single second and other than looking shocked once or twice has the same glazed over expression for the whole film and Chalamet plays a cliched wrapped up in an emo phase. When will the internet learn that Chalamet will never be a movie star like those of old because deep down everyone knows he can’t act and that once his legion of lust fans dry up so will his acting roles.

Overall, possibly the worst film of the year.

Pros.

None

Cons.

The film is manically depressing and an unpleasant watch from the outset

It has awful paced and is on for far longer than it needs to be

It is smug and seems to think of itself as high art when in actually it is a bad YA film

The acting is awful all round

It fetishizes cannibalism

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