Star Wars Episode 2 Attack Of The Clones: Everybody Hates Sand

Summary

The Galaxy stands on the verge of civil war and a senator life hangs in the balance.

When I first watched this as a kid many years ago, I thought it was boring and long and I didn’t really like it. However, as I have rewatched it over the years I find myself growing to like it and find a renewed appreciation for this part of the saga.

There still are pacing issues, and the film does too much but aside from that it is a pretty enjoyable ride. Christopher Lee is great as Count Dooku in the small amounts we see him, and Ewan McGregor really comes into his own in the role of Obi-Wan here, sadly the acting is only really let down by Hayden Christensen and his emo Anakin. Though it is debatable how much is actually Christensen’s fault.

The writing of Anakin’s fall into being an emo teen is quite poorly done and makes you feel at times quite jarred as it seems to come out of nowhere and be quite over the top.

All that said the Jedi fighting in the gladiator ring at the end against the droids/creatures, was a cool visual and will certainly bring joy to most Star Wars fans.

Overall, not as good as The Phantom Menace or Revenge Of The Sith, review coming soon, but still has some charm.

3.5/5

Pros.

The ending

Natalie Portman

Dooku

Some funny and enjoyable moments

Cons.

The writing especially around Anakin isn’t great

The pacing

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It Ends With Us: Turning Domestic Abuse Into A Rom-Com

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Blake Lively stars in a romance film about domestic abuse.

I had heard all about the drama surrounding this film going into it and thought to myself what matters most is how they handle it. However, after watching this film I have questions as to why Lively and some of the behind the scenes creatives wanted to keep the romance elements in the film.

Considering Lively says she wanted this film to be a rallying call for victims of domestic abuse and show a survivors story, the film barely touches on the domestic abuse and even at the climax only has it as a big dramatic fight/breakup. I just think it is odd that they try and romanticize the relationship in the early stages when ultimately this is a story about domestic abuse, it should play more as a tragedy and not a romantic film.

Moreover, the characters are all deeply unlikeable, there is no one here really to like or warm to, Lively’s character is yet another ‘fleabag’ type woman who only wants casual sex and doesn’t want a relationship. Remember men who use women for sex are creeps and misogynists and so it should be equally as condemnable when women do it. She is the character you are supposed to warm to as well as obviously the guy is the baddie.

Don’t even get me started on the fact they play for a love triangle. Honestly if Lively and co wanted this to be a rom-com why not take out the domestic abuse stuff, why base it on a book about domestic abuse, it is such an odd call to try and turn this into an erotic thriller and then go this is for you abuse survivors.

Overall, I don’t see the appeal in this.

1/5

Pros.

It has a good soundtrack

Cons.

It shouldn’t be romantic

Lively isn’t likeable

It has pacing issues

It feels like it’s the wrong genre

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Borderlands: How Not To Adapt A Videogame

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A popular game series is turned into a film by someone who has never played the games before.

Who didn’t see this coming? I think right from the moment the public was first introduced to this film red flags began to appear everywhere. From stunt or joke casting to the way it ripped off what Guardians does with music and the score, there were clear indicators that this film was going to be bad. However, after watching it I can say that it is not offensively bad nor is it terrible, for the most part it is just boring and cheaply made.

I found the action and the games references to at least be somewhat entertaining even if they were incredibly hollow, it was very much look kids there is something from the game remember sans any of the emotional attachment or enjoyment of it. They got in a lot of references but did precious little with each one.

Moreover, the fact that they made it a 12 here in the UK, so a PG 13 if you’re American, was a terrible move. Not the least because most of those who grew up playing the game are now adults and so are ready to see the blood and gore of the games replicated but don’t get it, but also with the fact that the kids this film is aimed are not even old enough to play the games legally.

It is also quite odd that Roth and co decided to have all of the women in the film be about two decades older than their games counterparts? Was this done to bring in older women to watch it , I wouldn’t think it would be there sort of thing. Cate Blanchett was not very convincing during her action scenes and I must say it wasn’t helped by the terrible wig they had her wear.

Overall, there is no point making a film like this if you don’t have a passion for the game and clearly no one involved with this project had any passion for the games.

1.5/5

Pros.

Some funny lines

The action was okay

Cons.

Cate Blanchett, Hart and Lee-Curtis were badly miscast

It wasn’t funny

The lack of gore was disappointing

It was incredibly average

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I Saw The TV Glow: A Horrifying Voyage Of Mental Illness

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple of people begin to believe that they are characters in a TV show.

So where to begin with this film, I suppose we should begin as we mean to continue and in that vein I will open by saying it is a horrible film.

Not only is it the same art house nonsense you would expect, with symbolism, a story that makes no sense, stunted dialogue and more but it also boasts yet another terrible performance from Justice Smith. Smith really is having a bad 2024 starring in this and the Magical Society, the guy can’t seem to catch a break.

The plot is basically around two mentally ill people who fully devolve into their mental illness and begin to harm themselves, yet it is all okay as their delusions are real so when they mutilate themselves its not real, or is it? On top of all that you have them escaping into this TV show as they are actually the characters from that, or so they believe, and Smith is actually a girl, yet even in the world of fiction they are being horribly tortured by a sadistic man who lives in the moon.

If all that sounds a bit much there is also a lot of allegories for trans people and the trans experience during the film and it is supposed to have some sort of political message. However, it just seems like two people desperately in need of help both physical and psychological, hurting themselves and being tortured. The message seems to be lost along the way, unless that is it.

I have watched a lot of hard to watch horror films in my time, meaning both hard to watch as in they make no narrative sense, and hard to watch in terms of being unpleasant but I must say this has taken the cake.

Overall, don’t believe all the 4/5 star reviews saying it is a masterpiece as it reflects a certain type of politics, it is actually a horrible nasty little film that makes no sense and is a sickening experience to watch, especially the latter torture scenes.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It is horrible to watch

The message, whatever it is, is lost

The performances are bad

The writing is stunted

The ending is terrible

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The Crow: The Remake From Hell

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Bill Skarsgard puts on some face paint and cosplays as Eric Draven.

This film was doomed from the off, there was jus too much of a bad taste associated with this remake in the light of Brandon Lee’s death. As I have said before if it had been set in the same universe but with other characters then it probably wouldn’t be as hated as it is, but alas here we are.

Another thing that horribly dates this film is the fact that rather than try to keep to the look from the first film here instead making Eric look like a hot topic reject. Even when the Crow makeup goes on it just looks like a cheap Youtube parody.

In a sense this is very true of the film as a whole, it reads as though it is trying to remake the original to stand alongside it, or maybe even best it, but rather than do any of those things it comes off as an overly serious parody film. I even question whether Skarsgard was miscast.

Overall, a terrible and incredibly unnecessary remake.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The look is all wrong

It doesn’t seem to understand what made the first film popular

It feels at best like a parody

It is an insult to Brandon Lee’s legacy

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Trap: Nepo Baby The Movie 2

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Cooper, Josh Harnett, take his daughter, April Donoghue, to a concert. The dad is also a serial killer and the concert is a trap meant to catch him.

This is a disappointing Shyamalan film for a number of reasons. First and most important is that there is no twist, the director known for twists doesn’t do one here. The trailer tells you he’s a serial killer and that the film is about the law trying to catch him, there is no reveal that he isn’t actually a killer or that it is his daughter and he’s trying to help cover for her or something like that, no you wait for a twist that never comes.

Secondly, the nepotism is getting a bit hard to stomach now. I had no issue when Shyamalan wanted to put himself into his films as a sort of authorial flourish, but now that he is forcing his frankly untalented daughter, Saleka, upon us I think things have gone too far. The film has this singer, decide that rather than just help the killer escape and then get the hell away she will instead solve the case and stop him. Saleka is Shyamalan’s real life daughter and whilst it is bad enough he made her the singer that the concert venue revolves around, the fact he says that she is the hero destined to stop this killer, when no one would behave like that is just egregious. In reality after being held hostage by a killer you would run away or maybe go to the police. You would not live stream from the killers toilet to try and save his latest victim, it feels so fake so not how any real person would behave and contrived. Also Saleka is not a good actor despite what her dad might think, she is distractingly bad.

Sadly, the idea of the trap itself is quite interesting and seeing Josh Hartnett having to go to great lengths to get himself out of the situation whilst also being hilariously awkward with his daughter is fun to watch, but that is only about 60 percent of the film. You would have a much better experience if you got up when they leave the concert venue and went home what comes next is all the stuff with M.Night’s daughter and the horrible and contrived ending.

I think this film shows M. Night at a lower rung than even something like The Last Airbender because at least there he was still trying to do something, bad as it was, here he cant even be bothered with a twist he just wants to give his kid a summer job.

Overall, one of the most glaring disappointments of the summer.

1.5/5

Pros.

Hartnett is trying

The early parts of the film are fun

Cons.

There is no twist

The ending is stupid, unbelievable and contrived

The nepotism is repugnantly on view

It shows Shyamalan is not even trying anymore

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Babes: Mindless Viewing

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young woman, Ilana Glazer, gets pregnant and has to deal with it.

So Glazer’s horrible views on Gaza aside, she repeats all the same anti-semitic views/lies as a lot of other left wing celebrities but goes hey it’s okay because I am Jewish when it is just an effort in self-hate and fake allyship just like Seth Rogen, this film does have some redeemable moments.

The humour of the film is hit or miss, there are a few genuinely laugh out loud moments, but then also some scenes and joke chains that carry on for too long. It lacks the sharpness that something like Broad City has and at times it feels like it has run out of jokes so repeats one from earlier.

The story is okay, I liked Glazer’s character and found myself rooting for her to be okay, but that doesn’t negate from the fact that this is a story we have seen before. How many times has the unprepared mother had motherhood turn up on her doorstep and then had to rise to the occasion? Too many times to count.

Overall, there isn’t much to say about this film it does what it says on the tin, it is on and off funny and doesn’t push the needle in any kind of way

2.5/5

Pros.

Glazer is likable

It has some funny moments

It is watchable

Cons.

It does nothing new

It repeats unfunny jokes

It leaves you feeling fairly hollow

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Alien Romulus: Cheering On The Alien

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Alien franchise is dead, don’t let anyone tell you any different.

So before we get into everything wrong with this film, and there is a lot, we will talk about the three things I liked. Firstly, I enjoyed the connections to Prometheus it was neat to have it and to have a direct tie between the prequel films and the later Ripley, Sigourney Weaver films, though it would have been better if David, Michael Fassbender, had appeared. Secondly, I liked that they brought back the science officer from the first film that was an interesting and plot relevant cameo. Thirdly, the final monster was very well designed and looked both alien and frightening.

Now with that out of the way lets get into why this film isn’t good. The main and most glaring reason why this film is bad is because the entire cast beyond David Jonsson’s Andy and Isabela Merced are awful people and entirely unlikeable. So Andy is a Synthetic and the film seems to use that as a stand in for someone with mental disabilities in a sickening way. The opening sections of the film have Andy being beaten up for being different, being told he is lesser than by the other crew members and being told by his sister, Cailee Spaeny, that he is going to be left behind when she wants to start a new life. The poor guy even apologizes to his sister for being a burden it is really hard to watch. The way the entire cast of characters bar Merced’s treat Andy as though he is just something to be used and discarded is a really horrible comment on how vulnerable people are treated by some. The film has Spaeny’s lead realise that she should treat him better by the end, but it doesn’t change the fact that you start rooting for the alien and kill them all. To make matters more uncomfortable you also have the fact that Andy is a POC and his whole purpose in life is to service a white lady. No one, at Disney, at Fox, anywhere thought how did that look.

The film also goes out of its way to make the Xenomorph weaker and easier to beat, it uses the mud trick from Predator in a different way and has the lead just shoot a whole mess of them that just charge her for no good reason in zero gravity. They are supposed to be smart and super hard to kill but our lead kills about 12 of them in under 5 minutes. This also drops the threat level of the film as a whole and is not made up for with Human/Engineer hybrid at the end, which whilst scary is too little too late.

Overall, a disappointment that leaves a poor taste after watching it.

1/5

Pros.

Prometheus ties

Bringing back the science officer

Cons.

The characters are horrible and one dimensional

They treat the synthetic guy in a cruel and nasty way and it is hard to watch

There is some vague racist undertones to it

It makes the xenomorph non-threatening

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Alien: A Crumbling Classic

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

One of the supposed greats struggles to hold up.

I have not watched the original Alien in years, since I was a little kid, and upon watching it now I began to notice some issues with it. I know many people consider this a classic, but it has a brutal first act, the first thirty minutes where nothing much happens beyond they discuss pay disputes and begin to set out on a rescue mission is brutally slow.

I enjoy and appreciate the aesthetic of this film, be it the very Seventies esque futuristic tech, or the very gothic inspired cinematography, however, I think the pacing is just too much. Once the alien arrives things start to pick up, and yes I know that the franchise needs the first thirty minutes to set up world and history and what not, but it doesn’t help how dry it is.

Ripley, Sigourney Weaver, is still one of the best heroines of all time and when it is her facing down the alien we are back on stride, though it must be said that none of the characters other than her, and that’s including John hurt’s character, have very much to do at all are fairly one dimensional.

Overall, perhaps its modern pacing that has made me unable to cope with the first act of this film, but whilst what comes later is good, the opening is incredibly off putting in terms of pace.

3/5

Pros.

The ending

Weaver

The look of the film

Cons.

The first act

Some one dimensional characters

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The Loch Ness Horror: Why Do Even Our Straight To Streaming Movies Need Americans In Them

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Whilst exploring Loch Ness a submarine comes into some trouble.

Yes you heard that right folks there’s a submarine in Loch Ness a closed body of water that has limited access ways to the wider sea or the coast, clearly it was airlifted in.

This film is a cross between a student film under very very very low budget indie, at times the production values are so incredibly cheap that you question if the whole thing is not just some AI experiment. There are exterior shots of the ship that goes to rescue the submarine that quite clearly aren’t real.

The acting if one could call it that, reminds me of the sort of acting you might see out of an nepo child after their daddy has paid their way into the film. You have a mixture of can’t do an accent, won’t do an accent, and a few scatterings of Americans thrown in there because they can’t get any work back in the States.

As someone who has been to Loch Ness I don’t understand why this film couldn’t even use shots of the location, were they too poor to afford it, did the location say no? Who knows, but one thing I can say for sure is that this film knows nothing about the lore of the Loch Ness Monster, and just stitches together some bad monster movie cliches in order to have something barely resembles a coherent storyline.

Overall, why did I watch this, why did people make this, why did this need to exist, all of these and more are more entertaining questions than anything this film can put forward.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It is not even in so bad it is good territory

It looks cheap

It knows nothing of the creature and its lore

It is dumb

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