Indiana Jones And The Dial Of Destiny: Turning A Southpark Joke Into Reality

Summary

Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford, becomes a deadbeat dad and gets bullied around by his god daughter, played by Phobe Waller-Bridge.

I find it hard to describe this film as anything other than an assassination. The creatives behind this film wanted to kill off the character of Indiana Jones and it clearly shows, however, rather than meaning that in the sense of a character death they wanted to make him as low and pathetic as they could so no one would care about him anymore.

It takes a long time into the film to see Indiana Jones behave like himself in anyway, I question why anyone over at Lucasfilm thought that what the audience wanted was to see the character deconstructed.

Honestly Waller-Bridge is very hit or miss sometimes she can hit gold and be a really good fit for a project, other times not. Here she just seemed like she was playing a variation of her Fleabag character, which didn’t fit, and became increasingly more unlikeable over the course of the film.

The ending leaves things in a slightly better place then when we started but it just makes you leave asking why did they need to make this film, who was it for, why now, why did they think this would get people back in the door.

Overall, this is a sad disrespectful way to treat one of the most beloved characters in pop culture.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It ruins the character

It didn’t need to be made

Waller-Bridge doesn’t fit

It is badly made, and the pacing is awful

It is a waste of your time

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Atlas: Jenny From The Block Fights The AI Screenwriter Netflix Used For This Film

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Netflix continues to make films by algorithm, with no human brain switched on.

So let’s get one thing out of the way early, Jennifer Lopez is not an action hero. I don’t care how many crappy action films Netflix insert her into there is nothing convincing about seeing her take down grown men when she doesn’t look like she even carries her own groceries. Yes here they do contrived things like put her in a mech in order to make her fighting look less laughably bad, but all it does is redirect the laughter towards the terrible CGI.

Moreover, Netflix continues its trend of adding in identity politics to almost every film they make as they think it will somehow make them popular with young people. Most young people don’t care about identity politics it is just an old group of men in California who think they do. It is as usual incredibly cynical and performative here as it always is, there is no real need for it, it is jus inserted in to tick off a list.

Had this film an air of parody to it then it could have been good, but no. This film takes itself incredibly seriously and thinks that it is high cinema when it is the furthest thing from it, residing somewhere even lower than the bargain bin. The idea of someone having to go and fight an AI is incredibly dumb and feels like the sort of thing that would have been written about 30 years ago not as we live alongside them.

Overall, Jennifer Lopez should stick to music, or rom-coms she has enough range for those, but stay away from action as unless she undergoes a massive physical transformation no one will ever believe her as an action star.

0.5/5

Pros.

It might be a useful form of torture at a CIA black site somewhere

Cons.

Jennifer Lopez is miscast

The threat feels like something people would worry about 30 years ago

The CGI is terrible

The plot makes no sense

The identity politics

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Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes: Have You Ever Heard Of Devolution, This Franchise Has

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ceaser is dead but now we have a new Ceaser look alike to go through the same exact themes as the last trilogy.

To be fair the new Ceaser doesn’t start off liking humans whereas the old one did, the new one comes to like them by about the first hour of the film so its not a huge difference. I suppose a difference here is that the film is not really about the struggle between men and apes but rather ape on ape war.

However, I think the real issue here is that the stakes are incredibly low. Maximus is supposed to be this Roman esque conqueror yet his beachside community is pretty small, moreover, where he could have been a good antagonist for several films and been built up to be a true nemesis for new Ceaser, he is just offed at the end of the film. It is very underwhelming.

The reason for him being offed is to once again go back to the well of human vs ape conflict because why try and do anything new when you can just repeat the beats of the last trilogy. Honestly, I found the relationship between new Ceaser, and Mae, Freya Allen, to just be stupid. She has sought him out, for a reason implied but never shared, she says how much she needs him but then betrays him, I guess you could say she lied there but then why did the narrative push the bond so much, and then finally she plans to kill him, for once again no reason at all, she could have just left and never seen him again. Mae might as well not have been in the film as she contributed very little, had a baffling motivation and only really existed to be like oh the humans are going to try and fight back.

Overall, this film could have been something great but it lived too much in the past with its fixation on Ceaser and its desire for more ape human conflict, we could have seen Maximus grow and develop and form a civilisation that new Ceaser had to fight against but no some birds killed him.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is interesting to see how the Apes have evolved

It sets up some interesting things for future movies, not the ape vs human stuff

It is fairly well paced

Cons.

The lead character is just Ceaser all over again

The human character makes no sense

They waste Maximus

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Roundup Punishment: Fighting In The Toilets And On A Plane

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A no nonsense police officer, Ma Dong-Seok, tries to take down an overseas casino racket that is soaked in blood.

I enjoyed this film for its mix of both serious action, with fairly high stakes, and also more comedic and light hearted moments. It felt like a homage to classic 80s era American action films like Lethal Weapon in many senses. The film knew what it was doing on all fronts and it knew when to let things get serious and when to draw back for a joke.

The action itself was intense, it felt very full on and visceral, though at the same time it wasn’t super gory, what I appreciated about it was that it was not like an American action film very often a bad guy might take one hit to go down or maybe 3 if he is the big villain but instead this felt drawn out and far more realistic.

This I think is the fourth film in the series and after watching this it made me want to go back and watch the other films in the franchise that I have missed, that was how much fun I had with it. Sadly, I think a lot of people won’t watch this as they won’t want to watch something with subtitles but I am telling you that you are missing out.

Overall, a fun and well done action film.

4.5/5

Pros.

The action

The comedy

The cast

It is a lot of fun

It has some great set pieces

Cons.

It has some pacing issues

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Tarot: Pick A Card

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A tarot reading leads to a series of deaths.

I thought this was an unexpected treat, the premise is very basic and samey but in the way the film is carried out it is actually very well done and creepy. Its your standard group of teen students, who are actually in their thirties, who rent out a mansion for the weekend because that is something students can afford to do, and then they get killed off one by one after a tarot reading.

So, the above description sounds incredibly been there and done that, however, there is just something about this one that makes it fresh. I think that there is a little Final Destination in this film’s blood which makes it a winner in my mind, mix that with some terrific monster design and you are off to the races. The monsters which represent different characters on the cards, look both creepy and also varied enough that you feel like each are distinct characters.

I think the scares mostly work, a lot of suddenly coming up real close to the camera scares, and a few jump scares, however, the most effective scare of the film is the dark magician and his twisted magic show, which with his audience of deadeye ghouls was particularly effective.

Overall, despite a generic premise this film manages a number of good scares, well worth a watch.

3.5/5

Pros.

The scares

The monster design

The Final Destination Vibes

The pacing

Cons.

It has a very generic plot

The ending feels a little rushed

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The Fall Guy: The Best Blockbuster That We Have Been Given In Years

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A stuntman, Ryan Gosling, must go through hell and highwater in order to solve the mystery of an actors disappearance and reunite with his lost love, Emily Blunt.

I would argue though it will be a controversial opinion that Blunt and Gosling have better chemistry here than he did with Margot Robbie last year in Barbie. I think the film is made all the better for their relationship being front and centre to the film as the love story aspect really gives you something to root for and hold onto during the film.

I also liked that this film felt like a push back against a lot of the worst trends of recent Hollywood blockbusters, there was no dumb over the top CGI fight, the characters had humour and felt like real people, and crucially there was little to no identity politics. There was a line about toxic masculinity which was played for laughs and said by the villain of the piece to show how it was just another way to manipulate people into going along with her.

This film felt like in many ways the sort of film we used to get 10 years ago, before Hollywood decided to tie its fate to left wing politics and repeat every social justice buzz word they have heard online for points alienating half their audience in the process. You could argue in many senses that Blunt’s character here is a girl boss trope done right, she is in charge yet she also is allowed to have emotions and not be perfect, which makes a change from the self-serious, stoic, no nonsense girl bosses we often see, or the I’m so random iteration of the girl boss.

I would say my main issue with the film was that the second act went on for far too long and became bloated. If it had been better paced the film would have naturally flowed a lot better.

Overall, a solid and fun blockbuster

4/5

Pros.

It is fun

It doesn’t take itself too seriously

The stunts

The characters are likeable

Cons.

The second act is bloated

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Boy Kills World: Bob Tries Out Some New Techniques In The Kitchen

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young man, Bill Skarsgard, goes on a quest for revenge in an odd and absurdist world.

This film feels like it would have worked a lot better as a videogame, in almost every way it feels like a tongue in cheek, silly but also taking itself seriously videogame. As it stands it has problems and won’t work for a lot of people, the main reason for this is because the tone is just so jarring, there are moments where you are like okay this is a comedy and then others where you think it’s a drama, and plenty of films can wed these two things together but not this one, they make it feel tonally like two different films.

The third act plot twist adds to this it takes what could easily have been a pretty straight forward narrative and it twists it into being convoluted and just silly. The idea that the main character is the villain’s son and he has been trained to kill her after being abducted by his master who then wiped his memory of it all, just makes everything start to make no sense at all.

The positives I have for the film is that the violence and the fights are well done and feel very Wick esque, they are quick and brutal and you feel every minute of them. In that vein I wanted to say how both Jessica Rothe and Sharlto Copley stand out here, the former for her strong action skills and how she was able to give a character behind a mask a strong sense of personality and identity and the latter because he always enhances any film he is in.

Overall, though I am a big H. John Benjamin fan even he couldn’t save whatever this was.

2/5

Pros.

The action

Rothe and Copley

Cons.

Tonally it is a mess

The twist

It goes on for too long

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Abigail: A Little Girl Taking Down Grown Men

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of people kidnap a little girl, and are met with bad consequences.

A preface, I do not support Melissa Barrea or her anti-Semitic nonsense, I have been very vocal about that. As such I did not see this film at the cinema, and debated even affording it this review as my coverage might give it and her undeserved attention, however, it was playing at an event I attended recently, post its home release, so I saw it there. I am glad to say I did not give any of my money to the film or her. There is no place in this world for antisemitism.

That aside let’s move on.

This film was an odd one, I went into it expecting it to be more of a horror film yet it played more like a horror comedy. There were certainly moments that you could see it attempting to be scary, but whenever it did this it then interrupted it by having a joke or a silly moment, it was like it was too afraid to take itself seriously.

Alisha Weir is good in the role of Abigal, both of the innocent victim and also as the monster. However, what I think is an incredibly odd choice narratively is that they undermine her by having her dad show up at the end, which makes her look a lot less powerful and secondary. The film is called Abigal she should have stayed the big bad.

Overall, it has some good moments and some funny lines, sadly the comedy undermines the horror somewhat as the two tones don’t match well here and Abigal who could have been a great villain is undermined.

2/5

Pros.

Some good moments

It is reasonably paced

Cons.

It undermines its villain

Tonally it doesn’t work

It feels a bit familiar

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Spy X Family Code White: The Quest For Poo

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Forger’s head off on another family trip.

As a big fan of Spy X Family I was a little upset that rather than a second half to season two we were getting this, however, after watching it I can safely say that though I would have liked a few more episodes this was far more worthwhile than I had expected it to be.

I liked seeing the family come together both in terms of the family unit but also in terms of action, as this is the first time we see Loid and Yor fighting together, when they aren’t pretending to be something else or doing it in a comedic fashion, though I suppose they still don’t know about the other.

I also liked seeing that the promised Loid and Yor romance grows ever closer to happening, as a person who at times could be described as mushy it warms my heart to see Yor clearly having feelings for him. It remains to be seen if Loid has them back but it is still very interesting to watch.

The one area where I would say the film goes off the rails somewhat is with the long drawn out sequence of Anya needing to poo. I understand they were trying something there and with the different animation style I am sure a lot went into it, however, personally I felt like it didn’t fit the style of the show well at all and felt very disconnected.

Overall, a worthwhile follow up to the series but not without its off moments.

4/5

Pros.

The Forger family coming together

The romance grows

Anya steals the show

It is funny and sweet

Cons.

The poop stuff goes on for far too long

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Swede Caroline: Growing Wild and Free

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A mockumentary film about the world of competitive vegetable growing.

This may be one of the best surprises of the year so far, it seemingly came out of nowhere and had little to no fanfare but it was easily the funniest film of the year by a wide margin. Whilst I often say of comedy films that they had some good laughs but it was not a laugh a minute, I would argue this was. For the most part I was laughing consistently throughout.

I thought the characters were all very likeable and distinctive and that is a hard feat considering that for some of them we only meet them for about 5 minutes or so, yet still they manage to leave an impression. I think why the characters worked so well is because they are believable, as in perhaps it is a British thing, but I for one could see parallels between the characters in this film and to people I know in the real world.

I think the only area where it lost me somewhat was when it tried to hit into darker subject matter. I understand the parody was of true crime docuseries so it needed to have those darker themes but I thought that it would have been better served by maintaining a consistent tone throughout.

Overall, a hidden comedy gem.

4/5

Pros. It is funny

It is relatable

It is original

It uses its runtime and cast well, there isn’t any waste

Cons.

The darker moments and the inconsistent tone

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