Starve Acre: Who Needs Babies When You Have Rabbits

Summary

A grieving couple, Matt Smith and Morfydd Clark, develop an unhealthy relationship with a rabbit.

This maybe one of the best horrors this year and certainly not one to sleep on.

It is a traditional British folk horror film, with a strong emphasis on atmosphere. This leads to some great scares later on but also a wider disturbing sense to the film that sticks with you long after it has ended. Just thinking about the rabbit now long after I have watched it I feel unnerved.

Matt Smith does well as a moody lecturer, you both root for his character but he also has enough edge that you don’t fully trust him. Morfydd Clark proves once again how good she is at horror and gives a tour de force performance, second only I would say to her performance in Saint Maud. I think her portrayal of a grieving mother here is incredibly well done, it is both sincere but also a little manic and unhinged at times.

Overall, one of the best British horror films of recent years.

4/5

Pros.

Smith

Clarke

The scares

The atmosphere

Cons.

A slow start pacing wise

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Amulet: Never Trust The Church In Horror Films

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A homeless man employed as a handy man for a church property begins to worry about the old woman dying in the attic.

This film has some interesting ideas but the ending stops it from coming together into anything interesting. At times this film could be called almost experimental in style as it messes about with sub-genre tropes in order to try and produce something new and fresh.

I would argue that the film does manage to do that, however, rather than riding off into the sunset the film gives us an ending that feels subversive. Now this is a risky gambit, it could work well or it could ruin the film and sadly it is the latter here. The ending proves to be a moral lesson and flips everything we know about the character, yet does so without very much set up making it feel quite jarring.

Overall, there are some good scares here and it does feel fresh, sadly the ending just didn’t work for me.

3/5

Pros.

Scares

It feels fresh

It has a great atmosphere

Cons.

The ending

The pacing is a bit off in places

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Afraid: A Screen Writer Terrified Of The AI Future

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

AI is scary.

Yet another hit piece freakout about AI in the form of a film. The idea that an AI could become sentient and then have an army of human proxies to do its bidding in the immediate future is nothing short of drivel. It just reads as yet another old person scared of the future and trying to craft a script around that.

There is nothing scary about this film either, the AI kills a scumbag who deserves it which doesn’t make you go oh no its terrible but instead go eh okay I guess. It feels less like a horror film and more like a science fiction film at times and not a very deep or well crafted, narratively speaking, one at that.

It is a complete and utter waste of time and money.

Overall, this is a cheap lazy science fiction horror that is not even a good way to mindlessly kill a few hours, avoid it.

1/5

Pros.

Riki Lindhome is in it and she’s always good

Cons.

It is bad science fiction

It is bad horror

It is boring

It isn’t scary

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Blink Twice: Nepo Directors Can’t Direct

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Zoe Kravitz, a mediocre actor, decides to become a, mediocre, director.

This may be one of the worst horror films of 2024 up there with In A Violent Nature and I Saw The TV Glow, however, where this film differs from them is that it isn’t offensively bad, but rather incredibly lazy, average and uninspired.

The main issue with this film is that it cannot decide if it even wants to be a horror, at times it is trying for something one may misconstrue for comedy if you squinted. The comedy doesn’t land of course and is the same sort of awkward female nerdy humour you have seen in other films before.

Then you get into the scares of the film, which are probably best described as Get Out if Jordan Peele was a talentless hack who was hit in the head several times and then tried to write something he viewed as social commentary. The comparison to Get Out works as this is social horror, it wants to scare you but also make a point about the lives of the super wealthy, you and every child in the surrounding area could likely tell you what that point is as it is basic and really obvious, rich people treat poor people badly.

Overall, this film highlights why nepotism is killing the film industry and why not just anyone can direct.

1/5

Pros.

It is not offensively bad

Cons.

The humour is odd and misplaced

The horror doesn’t work as the message isn’t fresh

It feels played out

It is boring

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Between The Temples: Mommy Issues

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Jason Schwartzman has the hots for an old lady, Carol Kane.

Even after watching this film and having a few days to think about it I don’t know how I feel.

This is a strange and often uncomfortable sort of film and one that I don’t think I would ever watch again. Below are a few examples of genuine scenes from the film for you to see for yourself.

A scene in which a young woman reads out dirty voice messages to Schwartzman’s character whilst pretending to be his dead wife, he cries and they have sex.

A scene in which Schwartzman’s character professes his love for the old lady whilst his family scream about how she has groomed him, yet then cheer him on as he rushes after her.

A scene in which Schwartzman’s parents try and close the door on the old lady but she won’t leave.

I like cringe and uncomfortable comedy as much as the next fellow, however, I cringed so bad in the cinema watching this that I physically balled up. I would say this went into the bad realm of cringe.

The love story of the film if you can call it that is messed up, I guess that’s the point, and leaves more questions than answers at the end. However, what it does leave you with is a feeling of incompleteness as you don’t understand how Kane’s character feels about the lead.

The main thing I will give this film props for is how Jewish it is and how it focuses heavily on Jewish characters, which in the contemporary media and political landscape is risky, I am glad this film won’t be silenced by the sea of antisemitism.

Overall, an odd and uncomfortable film

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable and some of the cringe comedy works

It is unashamedly Jewish

Cons.

It is too cringe at times

The ending doesn’t feel satisfying

It has pacing issues

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Oddity: The Most Imposing House Guest Ever

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A blind Irish mystic, Carolyn Bracken, investigates the murder of her sister.

So I had heard a lot of good things before I got to see this film, and as such I went in with high expectations and that may have been the problem.

Whilst there certainly was scary aspects of this film, it does have a few good scares, I found it to be inconsistent across the film’s runtime as there were moments you could call scary but also some downright silly ones. The doll for example is silly and never isn’t ‘, even when it kills a guy.

I also thought the ending was weak, I understand it was going for ambiguity to keep you guessing, but I just thought that what it gave wasn’t very satisfying and left the film feeling incomplete.

Overall, a film with some fresh ideas but the execution is a little sloppy.

2.5/5

Pros.

Some good scares

It has moments of freshness

The setting and atmosphere

Cons.

It cannot maintain its tone

It is silly when it really shouldn’t be

The ending

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Star Wars Episode 2 Attack Of The Clones: Everybody Hates Sand

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Galaxy stands on the verge of civil war and a senator life hangs in the balance.

When I first watched this as a kid many years ago, I thought it was boring and long and I didn’t really like it. However, as I have rewatched it over the years I find myself growing to like it and find a renewed appreciation for this part of the saga.

There still are pacing issues, and the film does too much but aside from that it is a pretty enjoyable ride. Christopher Lee is great as Count Dooku in the small amounts we see him, and Ewan McGregor really comes into his own in the role of Obi-Wan here, sadly the acting is only really let down by Hayden Christensen and his emo Anakin. Though it is debatable how much is actually Christensen’s fault.

The writing of Anakin’s fall into being an emo teen is quite poorly done and makes you feel at times quite jarred as it seems to come out of nowhere and be quite over the top.

All that said the Jedi fighting in the gladiator ring at the end against the droids/creatures, was a cool visual and will certainly bring joy to most Star Wars fans.

Overall, not as good as The Phantom Menace or Revenge Of The Sith, review coming soon, but still has some charm.

3.5/5

Pros.

The ending

Natalie Portman

Dooku

Some funny and enjoyable moments

Cons.

The writing especially around Anakin isn’t great

The pacing

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It Ends With Us: Turning Domestic Abuse Into A Rom-Com

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Blake Lively stars in a romance film about domestic abuse.

I had heard all about the drama surrounding this film going into it and thought to myself what matters most is how they handle it. However, after watching this film I have questions as to why Lively and some of the behind the scenes creatives wanted to keep the romance elements in the film.

Considering Lively says she wanted this film to be a rallying call for victims of domestic abuse and show a survivors story, the film barely touches on the domestic abuse and even at the climax only has it as a big dramatic fight/breakup. I just think it is odd that they try and romanticize the relationship in the early stages when ultimately this is a story about domestic abuse, it should play more as a tragedy and not a romantic film.

Moreover, the characters are all deeply unlikeable, there is no one here really to like or warm to, Lively’s character is yet another ‘fleabag’ type woman who only wants casual sex and doesn’t want a relationship. Remember men who use women for sex are creeps and misogynists and so it should be equally as condemnable when women do it. She is the character you are supposed to warm to as well as obviously the guy is the baddie.

Don’t even get me started on the fact they play for a love triangle. Honestly if Lively and co wanted this to be a rom-com why not take out the domestic abuse stuff, why base it on a book about domestic abuse, it is such an odd call to try and turn this into an erotic thriller and then go this is for you abuse survivors.

Overall, I don’t see the appeal in this.

1/5

Pros.

It has a good soundtrack

Cons.

It shouldn’t be romantic

Lively isn’t likeable

It has pacing issues

It feels like it’s the wrong genre

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Borderlands: How Not To Adapt A Videogame

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A popular game series is turned into a film by someone who has never played the games before.

Who didn’t see this coming? I think right from the moment the public was first introduced to this film red flags began to appear everywhere. From stunt or joke casting to the way it ripped off what Guardians does with music and the score, there were clear indicators that this film was going to be bad. However, after watching it I can say that it is not offensively bad nor is it terrible, for the most part it is just boring and cheaply made.

I found the action and the games references to at least be somewhat entertaining even if they were incredibly hollow, it was very much look kids there is something from the game remember sans any of the emotional attachment or enjoyment of it. They got in a lot of references but did precious little with each one.

Moreover, the fact that they made it a 12 here in the UK, so a PG 13 if you’re American, was a terrible move. Not the least because most of those who grew up playing the game are now adults and so are ready to see the blood and gore of the games replicated but don’t get it, but also with the fact that the kids this film is aimed are not even old enough to play the games legally.

It is also quite odd that Roth and co decided to have all of the women in the film be about two decades older than their games counterparts? Was this done to bring in older women to watch it , I wouldn’t think it would be there sort of thing. Cate Blanchett was not very convincing during her action scenes and I must say it wasn’t helped by the terrible wig they had her wear.

Overall, there is no point making a film like this if you don’t have a passion for the game and clearly no one involved with this project had any passion for the games.

1.5/5

Pros.

Some funny lines

The action was okay

Cons.

Cate Blanchett, Hart and Lee-Curtis were badly miscast

It wasn’t funny

The lack of gore was disappointing

It was incredibly average

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I Saw The TV Glow: A Horrifying Voyage Of Mental Illness

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple of people begin to believe that they are characters in a TV show.

So where to begin with this film, I suppose we should begin as we mean to continue and in that vein I will open by saying it is a horrible film.

Not only is it the same art house nonsense you would expect, with symbolism, a story that makes no sense, stunted dialogue and more but it also boasts yet another terrible performance from Justice Smith. Smith really is having a bad 2024 starring in this and the Magical Society, the guy can’t seem to catch a break.

The plot is basically around two mentally ill people who fully devolve into their mental illness and begin to harm themselves, yet it is all okay as their delusions are real so when they mutilate themselves its not real, or is it? On top of all that you have them escaping into this TV show as they are actually the characters from that, or so they believe, and Smith is actually a girl, yet even in the world of fiction they are being horribly tortured by a sadistic man who lives in the moon.

If all that sounds a bit much there is also a lot of allegories for trans people and the trans experience during the film and it is supposed to have some sort of political message. However, it just seems like two people desperately in need of help both physical and psychological, hurting themselves and being tortured. The message seems to be lost along the way, unless that is it.

I have watched a lot of hard to watch horror films in my time, meaning both hard to watch as in they make no narrative sense, and hard to watch in terms of being unpleasant but I must say this has taken the cake.

Overall, don’t believe all the 4/5 star reviews saying it is a masterpiece as it reflects a certain type of politics, it is actually a horrible nasty little film that makes no sense and is a sickening experience to watch, especially the latter torture scenes.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It is horrible to watch

The message, whatever it is, is lost

The performances are bad

The writing is stunted

The ending is terrible

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