Annabelle: Demons Patiently Wait On Lifts, Respect Social Distancing

Annabelle is a horror film directed by John R. Leonetti, serving as the first spin off film of the wider Conjuring Universe. The plot of this film focus on Annabelle, the breakout star of the first Conjuring film and goes a ways to explain how she ended up in the Warrens private collection; though to understand that you will have to watch all 3 Annabelle films.

I remember seeing this film a long time ago and I remember it being generic and boring. However, the other night, perhaps as a result of a masochistic feeling, I decided to revisit it and see if it was as bad as I remember. It is bad, definitely the weakest of both the Annabelle trilogy and the Conjuring Universe as a whole, but it is not terrible.

The only pro I have for this film is the basement life scene, when Mia (Annabelle Wallis), first sees the demon and she gets stuck in the lift. This I think is easily the best scene of the film, both in terms of scares and execution as it actually manages to feel tense.

The issues with this film for me are twofold. Firstly Annabelle Wallis should not be cast in anything ever, why is she? She can’t act and her name being associated with anything is a sign of poor quality, The Mummy, King Arthur Legend Of The Sword, Tag, I could go on. Wallis seems incapable of showing even the slightest amount of emotion in any sense, and to call her wooden would be a disservice to wood everywhere.

Secondly there is no third act in this film. Things just plod along in the usual investigative way these films do and then bang its over. There is no final standoff between Mia and the Demon, no, instead she almost throws herself out a window, but then she doesn’t and someone else does; wow gripping stuff there.

Overall, though this film isn’t as terrible as I remember it being it is still bad, not worth your time and easily the weakest of the Conjuring films; takeaway stop casting Annabelle Wallis.

Pros.

The lift sequence

Cons.

Annabelle Wallis

There is no third act

The doll really isn’t all that involved

There is a lot of aimless plot that goes nowhere

It does not justify its existence as a spin off

1/5

Reviewed by Luke

The Mortuary Collection: Rubber Up

The Mortuary Collection is a horror anthology film directed by Ryan Spindell. The plot follows Montgomery Dark (Clancy Brown), as he retells tales of horror to a job applicant at his funeral parlour.

The issue quite often, with anthology films is they are dependent on the individual segments being well done and crucially, consistent to make the overall film feel good and worth the watch. That really shows here, as though the segments are for the most part consistent, some are much better than others. The tales themselves are a mixed bag, some like the one about male pregnancy are strong are tightly packed, whereas others, the one about the carer who ends up killing his locked in wife are dull, lifeless, and boring.

This as you can imagine leads to pacing issues, as some parts of the film captivate your attention and others put you to sleep.

The ending however is insanely predictable. The twist is telegraphed quite blatantly from the opening of the film and when it happens, rather than feeling surprised you are left feeling angry it has taken them this long to get to it. The ending is very much a damp squid and serves to further undermine and bring down the film as a whole.

Overall, though some of the segments have promise this is very much yet another deeply average horror anthology that serves to bore more than scare.

Pros.

Some of the segments are well done and interesting

Clancy Brown is having fun

Cons.

Other segments feel tediously dull

The film feels inconsistent as parts of it are good and other parts diabolically bad

The ending is terrible

0.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Headhunters: Never Let Anyone Touch Your Hair

Headhunters is a Norwegian action thriller film directed by Morten Tyldum. The plot follows art thief Roger (Aksel Hennie), as he unknowingly targets the wrong mark and finds himself being hunted down by a tracking expert. The film serves as an adaptation of the Jo Nesbo novel of the same name.

This was a very stylish action thriller; glossy would be the word I would use to describe it. I enjoyed the unfolding mystery and how nothing was as simple as it first seemed, the premise that I listed above is a vast simplification. Said mystery makes for a very tense viewing experience, where you never quite know what is going to happen.

Nikolaj Coster- Waldu plays the films antagonist Claus, the man who hunts Roger down mercilessly over the course of the film and he is truly menacing. Not menacing in the sense of him being over the top and scary but, menacing in the sense of him being relentless and basically just an unstoppable corporate killing machine.

I enjoyed the ending immensely; it was nice to see Roger finally best Claus and it was done in a clever way that I found enhanced the whole experience. The final fight did not just boil down to a brawl it was far more intelligent than that.

Overall, a smart crime film that kept you on the edge of your seat as you never knew how far away Claus was from finishing the job.

Pros.

Hennie

Coster-Waldu

The mystery and the overall sense of tension

The ending

Cons.

There is only so many times you can see someone narrowly avoid being killed before it becomes unrealistic.

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

House Of The Witch: Is Being Killed By A Witch Worth A Quick Shag?

House Of The Witch is a horror film directed by Alex Merkin. The plot follows a group of kids who go to a house in their neighbour hood that is supposedly haunted, where others have gone missing in the past, to have a kissing party on Halloween; rather unsurprisingly things go wrong, and the teens start dying.

So yes the plot of this film is deeply generic, as are the cast. However, there is something about this film that I can’t quite put my finger on, it has a diamond in the rough sort of quality to it. I think a lot of this comes from the film’s scares. Even though there are a few jump scares, which are automatic marks down in my book, the scares for the most part are effective and well done. I applaud the films horror it is by far its strongest element.

In the beginning the witch effect, which are noticeably cheap looking bothered me and took me out of the film, but as it went on I started to enjoy it and found that it added to the charm of the film.

The twist at the end of the film leaves you scratching your head a bit, not because it is confusing as it is heavily foreshadowed, but because of the way it is shot. The final sequence itself is quite jarring, as the girls face changes somewhat and you are left saying “wait what who is that?”.

Overall, though you have seen many films like this before there is still a rough charm to the film and the scares are good, not great by any means but definitely passable.

Pros.

The scares

The effects

The witch herself

Cons.

The twist ending

It is deeply generic

3.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Hippopotamus: A Special Kind Of Miracle

Hippopotamus is a British film directed by John Jencks. The plot follows jaded writer/ poet Ted Wallace (Roger Allam), as he is payed to go and investigate claims of a miracle healer that can cure people of any disease with just a touch.

This is a mixed bag, Allam is strong and makes for a likeable protagonist, but his character is nothing new. In the leagues of jaded detective characters that have come before him Ted just can’t hope to match up. He is a walking cliché.

The mystery itself is fun, part of you wants to believe that their really is a faith healer, but another part of you knows it is all fake. When the reveal scene finally comes and Ted lays everything out, it all makes sense and feels incredibly satisfying.

My main issue with this film is that it has incredibly bad pacing. There are parts of this film that are almost unwatchable because of how slow they are, by the time the film graces us with an ending you have long since stopped caring.

Overall, though it has a intriguing premise that lends itself well to investigation and mystery the film is far too long and the pacing issue destroy the film and make it borderline unwatchable.

Pros.

The mystery and reveal

Wallace is likeable enough

Cons.

The pacing issues

Wallace despite being likeable is incredibly generic

You stop caring at all by the end

1.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

House: Never Let Your Kid Go In A Swimming Pool, There Might Be Vietnam Demons In It

House is a horror comedy film directed by Steve Miner. The plot sees well known author Roger Cobb (William Catt), move back to the house where his son disappeared some years prior. Why he has gone back he can’t quite say, but as he sets about writing his latest novel he starts to notice odd occurrences and soon he is drawn in to a battle with the paranormal.

Prior to watching this I was not aware that it is a comedy horror film, I thought it was just a straight horror, and was surprised by the number of goofy jokes, family friendly nature of the demons and the musical asides. However, with the new knowledge I have it makes sense.

The demons look quite unlike anything you will ever see, they are 80s in a way that you have to see to believe. Though they look almost comical at times yet they still manage to have a degree of fright to them, you never want to turn your back.

I enjoyed the Vietnam twist and thought the idea of having a solider or someone suffering from PTSD being more open to experiences with the supernatural was an interesting concept. The Vietnam sequences were all done quite well, and the conversation around whether Roger was crazy or not was fun to think about.

The one negative I would say for this film is that it is not scary in any way, and that is not because it is family friendly horror Goosebumps the tv show, or Ghostbusters 2 had moments in that frightened me. The reason I find it not scary is because of how over the top and frankly campy it is, especially with the creature design.

Overall, a good starter horror film with a neat concept, but not scary in any way.

Pros.

It is funny

It has an interesting concept

Catt

Cons.

It is more funny than Scary

It has pacing issues galore

3/5

Reviewed by Luke

Happiest Season: Normalising Abusive Relationships?

Happiest Season is a Christmas set romantic comedy directed by Claire Duvall. The plot sees Harper (Mackenzie Davis), bring her girlfriend Abby (Kristen Stewart), home for Christmas with her family. However, Harper has not told her family that she is a lesbian, nor has she told them about her and Abby’s relationship, so the two are placed into an awkward situation.

I have been looking forward to this one for a while, it was the only new Christmas film this year that I was genuinely excited for, okay maybe Princess Switch 2 as well a little, which makes this all the harder to write. Yes, before I get into the review I will acknowledge that in terms of representation this film is a big step forward, it is certainly the first big, well promoted, LGBTQ+ Christmas film I have ever seen. It is nice to see a Christmas rom com from a non-straight, perspective; hopefully this will be the first of many in Hollywood. That said lets get into why I didn’t like the film.

This to me did not fee like a romantic comedy, hell if anything it felt like a tragedy. The key relationship between Harper and Abby is deeply toxic, Harper outed one of her friends in high school to divert from people finding out that she was a lesbian, and she also treats Abby like absolute dog shit for most of the film; even going so far as to reject her in the films climax. With all that said, I was left infuriated when the two ended up together at the end, they shouldn’t have, Abby deserved better. By showing this ending it almost goes so far as to say Harper’s abusive behaviour is fine or at least not as bad because look they still ended up together.

Moreover, this film wastes it wider, very talented supporting cast. The only character in this film that felt like a real human person was Abby, Kristen Stewart’s performance made me feel something, we the audience felt bonded to her throughout her experience. The same can’t really be said for Davis, who is frequently played as the film’s antagonist, at least that is how I read it, which makes it even more problematic that they ended up together. Additionally, Alison Brie and Aubrey Plaza are both in this film and though they each have one pivotal scene for the most part they don’t really do much and their talents are left pretty much wasted.

Overall, if this film had ended with them not together, and this was a comment on toxic relationships and looking out for yourself and loving those who truly love you, then I would have given it higher. However, as is, I find it almost condones emotionally abusive relationships and presents them as normal.

Pros.

Stewart

There are a few funny moments

Cons.

The ending

Having them survive as a couple

Wasting the ensemble

Normalising abuse

2/5

Reviewed by Luke

Nanny McPhee And The Big Bang: The Nanny You Need Is Nanny McPhee

Nanny McPhee And The Big Bang is a family fantasy film directed by Susanna White. The plot sees Nanny McPhee (Emma Thompson), return to help the Green Family, as matriarch Isabel (Maggie Gyllenhaal) is overwhelmed having to run the farm and run after her kids whilst her husband is away fighting in the war.

What a charming film this is. Whilst watching it I had a near permanent smile on my face. It is whimsically inventive fun and the fact it fully embraces its eccentricities is only a bonus in my book. Though the two are quite similar I found myself enjoying this film far more than the recent Mary Poppins film.

That was mainly due to the performance of Emma Thompson as the titular Nanny. Though the character seems tough and foreboding, Thompson puts such a warmth into the character that it is impossible not to love her by the end of the film. I also enjoyed the fact that the film did not go out of its way to explain who Nanny McPhee was, or how her magic work; it allows for imagination.

Moreover, and this may be the most key achievement of all the films victories, is that the children in this film are bearable. Usually, child actors ruin whatever film they are in, but here they are actually okay and because they aren’t so damn annoying you actually end up caring for them. A testament to the performances.

Overall, this is a delight for all the family.

Pros.

Thompson

Gyllenhaal

The children

Not explaining the powers

Maggie Smith

Cons.

The ending was a bit too overly sentimental

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Did Someone Call The X-Men?

A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors is a slasher horror film directed by Chuck Russell. The plot sees Freddy (Robert Englund), terrorise and try to kill the remaining Elm Street children, who are locked away in a mental intuition. However, the remaining Elm Street Kids realise that they have dream powers themselves and that together they can fight back against Freddy.

I was getting strong X-Men vibes from this film, I know it is because I have recently seen the New Mutants and stylistically they share some similarities, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling throughout.

I thought this was a step up from the previous film as it gave me what I was asking for, more Freddy. Freddy really gets his time to shine here, his kills are more out there and oddly inventive and we get to see his past explored in more detail, which I found interesting.

I enjoyed seeing Nancy (Heather Langenkamp), return I thought it was a great way of tying the series together outside of Freddy, sadly she was not given all that much to do beside be a mentor for the new cast of kids. Said kids were okay, none of them really struck me or left any kind of impression, their powers were neat, but underdeveloped we needed more time seeing them use them for it to be believable and make sense.

Overall, this might be my favourite of the Elm Street films so far I enjoyed the focus on Freddy and the dream warriors are a cool concept, even if the execution is a bit shaky.

Pros

The focus on Freddy and his backstory

The return of Nancy

The powers (as an idea)

The kills

Cons.

The powers were not fleshed out enough and the dream warriors themselves were all very bland

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

Greenland: When The Apocalypse Comes You Need The Architects, Screw Doctors

Greenland is a disaster action film directed by Ric Roman Waugh. The plot sees a comet come into Earth’s atmosphere which poses an extinction level threat to mankind. In amongst the people trying to stay alive is family man John Garrity (Gerard Butler), who must go to great lengths to keep this family alive and get them to the new promised land, Greenland.

I remember seeing the trailer for this film in the cinema awhile back, and I thought it looked promising. Now having seen it, I can say I am mixed on it. Yes, it does have a strong premise, with a suitably tense ticking clock narrative that keeps things moving forward nicely.

However, on the other hand, it does not do much with its premise beyond ending up like just another generic action, disaster film. Moreover, some of the dramatic choices here feel needless and really don’t add much to the narrative as a whole. Like why did John’s son need to be kidnapped? What did that thread add?

Butler was okay, this seems like an easy fit role for him, he was everything I would expect him to be. Your enjoyment of his performance will depend on how you feel about Butler and his ‘character’ generally.

Overall, despite initial promise this film ended up being just another generic disaster film.

Pros.

Gerard Butler

The set pieces

The tension

Cons.

It doesn’t do much with its interesting premise

Drama and twists added needlessly

It is generic

2.5/5

Reviewed by Luke