Borley Rectory: Animation Makes Everything Creepier

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An animated documentary telling the history of ‘the most haunted house in Britain’.

I found this to be quite the frightening watch, the fact it was animated rather than the standard live action documentary really helped to give it a leg up over the competition. In that vein the film offers a number of striking visuals through this medium that stick with you after watching, my favourite and the one I found to be the creepiest would be the ghost man sitting on the little girls bed and turning to look into the camera.

Moreover, I found this to be a good documentary both in the sense that it was entertaining, the learning was fun, but also because it helped me to better understand the haunted geography and landscape of my own country a bit better. Before this I had a base understanding of why Borley Rectory was supposed to be haunted, now I know enough to confidently converse on the subject- as I am doing now.

My one issue with this film would be that it jumped around in time a lot. Now quite a lot of documentaries jump around with time but normally they do it in a linear way as in this happened then this then this, however this film doesn’t abide by that rule and jumps backwards as well as forwards which quickly becomes confusing. This is certainly not the sort of film you can ‘half’ watch as you will soon be lost with it.

Overall, a good creepy documentary.

Pros.

It is scary

The animation gives it an edge

A few good scares

It is interesting

Cons.

It can be confusing

It ends rather abruptly

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The Haunting: Nothing Is Scarier Than Poor CGI

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of insomniacs gather at an old mansion for what they think is a sleep survey, whilst in fact it is a study on fear.

Nighties era CGI really was terrible wasn’t it? Whenever there is a scene featuring a ghost in this film, because of the choice of CGI, it is more funny than scary- it is unintentionally hilarious. This film should have gone with practical effects for its horror as many older films did and some still do today, because the alternative is this and this is downright Scorpion King levels of bad.

The acting is at best spotty at worst weak. There are some personal favourites of mine in this film with Liam Neeson and Owen Wilson both being present however they are given nothing to do and are mostly wasted. Wilson particularly has poor dialogue. The screenplay for this film reads as someone who has never written one before using a screen writing for dummies book to try and get through it, whilst remaining untalented.

The worst thing I found with this film was the pacing, there was big gaps of time without anything really happening only to be punctuated with a terribly written cliched bit of dialogue. It was hard to get through.

Overall, an unscary film with laughably bad CGI.

Pros.

A few interesting ideas

Owen Wilson is still as charming as ever

Cons.

The actors are wasted

The CGI

It is not scary

Pacing issues

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V/H/S 94: Maybe These Tapes Were Better Returned

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Another batch of V/H/S tapes are found.

I was a fan of the first two V/H/S films but honestly they have really lost there way. This film reminded me a lot of some of the worst aspects of Ti West’s films, though he was not involved, schlocky and over the line for the sake of being over the line. Many of the segments in this anthology are honestly unpleasant to watch, and that is saying something considering I am a big fan of the genre and not much bothers me anymore. It almost seems like they are going out of there way to one up each other on who can be the most depressing and needlessly excessive.

On top of that none of the segments are even particularly good. The best of a bad bunch would be ‘Storm Drain’ by Chloe Okuno, as this was the only one I found myself enjoying: moreover I liked the concept of ‘Rat-Man’. I would say the weakest is ‘The Empty Wake’ by Simon Barrett, a regular contributor, as it is simply dull.

In terms of pacing this film is also troublesome. Some of the segments feel double their length and are honestly hard to get through whilst others feel rushed and not done justice, it is a strange mix but wrong on both fronts.

Overall, maybe don’t give this a sequel.

Pros.

The Storm Drain was interesting

Cons.

Edgy for the sake of it

Hard to watch

Depressing

Pacing issues galore

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Paranormal Activity: Antagonizing Demons, Smart Move

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young couple is plagued by strange goings on so decide to record everything that is happening for reasons.

I remember when I was young and I first watched this I was terrified. A friend had convinced me that it was all real and it really messed me up for a few nights after watching. Now years later I know it is not real but I still find this film scary. I know a lot of the people don’t like the franchise for what it would later become and the litany of clones it spawned, but I think this film plays with expectations and builds tensions in such a superb way.

As the film progress and Micah, Micah Sloat, becomes more and more annoying the tension really does amp up and you start to believe it and really empathises with the couple. Obviously the film uses jump scares in its horror but I think it does it better than later films not just in the series but in the genre as they enhance the atmosphere of fear rathe than acting as a standin.

The film has so much promise and so much mystery, sadly they would ruin that as the series progressed, but this film has a fantastic mythology to it.

My main complaint with this film would be that it has a very slow start, made worse by the use of shaky cam and the whole home video aspect.

Overall, an enjoyable film with a few issues.

Pros.

A strong mythology

A nice tense atmosphere

The ending

A few good scares

Cons.

Pacing issues

Micah is an awful character and is super toxic

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The Rite: Anthony Hopkins Was Made For Horror Roles

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A faithless trainee priest, Colin O’ Donoghue, is send to Rome to become an exorcist.

I went into this film excited because I like Anthony Hopkins and he usually does horror very well, so I had high hopes and whilst the film isn’t bad it certainly is mixed. I think the main issue with this film is the fact that it has all been done before so many times over. This film is content to retread old familiar ground without actually doing anything all that new with it and therein lies the problem.

Whilst there are some scary moments here and there, mainly dream sequences for some reason, I found a lot of the horror to again be overly familiar. The issue with this is that the horror then loses some of its impact as you know what is going to happen before it does.

Hopkins is good as he always is, even in a low budget horror film he brings his A game. However that just isn’t enough to make this film good as the material he is given to work with is bad and his co-stars likewise fair poorly: with the exception of Ciaran Hinds who again tries valiantly but is limited by the material given.

Overall, a few good scares but nothing you haven’t seen before.

Pros.

Hopkins

Hinds

A few good scares

Cons.

Very predictable

Not all the scares land

The ending

It is very up the Catholic Churches rear end

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The Epilogue Of Gregory Archambault: Finding The Right Last Words

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A suicidal writer, played by Robert DeSanti, cannot kill himself until he has written what he believes to be a good suicide note.

Dark comedies are hit or miss for me, I find they can be done really well but rarely are. Usually there is an issue in balancing tone with it either being too serious or too silly, however, this film entirely hits the mark in that regard.

There are several moments that are funny and that do make you laugh, such as the character’s conversation with his mum and the final reveal of what he has been writing all along. As well as this the film also nails the more serious and emotional moments, with the voices that he hears in his head being an apt example of this. Many creatives struggle with feelings of inadequacy or self-loathing, this is an extreme example of it, so it is nice to see that represented here: the feeling that no matter how hard you write you can never write anything good is a common problem that a lot of people face.

Overall, a strong dark comedy film that nails both the comedy and the emotions.

Pros.

The comedy

The mental health focus

The emotions

The ending

The reveal

Cons.

Minor pacing issues

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Mayday: Really Has It Come To This

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hotel worker, Grace Van Pattern, escapes her hellish life and travels to a different realm where she joins up with a band of other woman who live on a submarine during war time.

This film was poorly done, honestly it made me angry. In many ways this film is like Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch, as in a character escaping into possible fantasy to deal with trauma, in many ways this film owes Snyder a debt.

What I disliked about this film is its morality. To not put too fine a point on it Van Pattern’s Ana is targeted and abused by men in her hotel work, this then translates to when she joins the band she has no issue killing men indiscriminately. Yes, the group of women that Ana joins up with lure in and kill men for the sake of it, not because they have done anything to them, in most cases, but just to prove that they shouldn’t be messed with. The film does show Ana eventually realise that what these women are doing is wrong, but it spends a long time before that justifying and also hero worshipping them.

Riddle me this dear reader, would a film that saw a group of men randomly killing women that for parts in its early run paints them as righteous in what they were doing even be allowed to be made? No, and for good reason. Yet here it is fine? That doesn’t make sense to me. I understand the need for strong feminist films that have powerful upfront themes and ideas, but I don’t think this is the way.

Honestly the bleakness and then the iffy justification makes this film unwatchable as far as I am concerned.

Overall, despite an interesting concept this film feels morally dubious and harmful.

Pros.

An initially interesting concept

Cons.

The mortality

Justifying the killers behaviour

It is bleak and hard to watch

It feels harmful to the discourse

The ending

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Charlies Angels: Elizabeth Banks Is Not A Good Screen Writer

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A female empowerment reboot of a beloved property sees a new group of Angels act in order to save the world.

This is why you should keep identity politics out of films, or if you are going to force it in at least do it well. A lot of films are strongly political and have a message to them, but for the most part they do it well and make it feel organic to the narrative, they don’t force it down your throat and then call you names for not enjoying it. This film does just that.

Nearly every line in this film has some jab about current politics, or should I say the politics of the year this came out, which now feels incredibly dated and old. What makes this worse is that it comes off as preachy in the worst way, as the out of touch Hollywood millionaires telling you what to think, do and say.

The only reason this film gets a one from me is because Kristen Stewart is having so much fun it is infectious. Stewart really is the shining light and saving grace of this film, if it were not for her this film would be unbearable to stomach for more than a few minutes at a time.

Overall, maybe for her next film Elizabeth Banks should let someone else do the writing.

Pros.

Stewart is having fun

Cons.

It is preachy

It forces its message and its politics down your throat

It is dumb

It is cringe

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Ready Or Not: You Are Going To Lose At Hide And Seek If You Go Around Screaming Constantly

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Grace, Samara Weaving, goes home to meet her boyfriend’s family and get married, little does she know that doing that will lead to her playing a life and death game of hide and seek.

I am mixed on this film; I like aspects and ideas of the film but there is just something about the overall whole that doesn’t work for me. I like the mythology surrounding the game and the climax that sees the family reap the consequences of their actions. If I were to be picky I would say that the film could have gone a bit further with these aspects and given us more information regarding the demon they made the deal with.

I think Samara Weaving is good here though this is not her best role by a large margin. Over the course of the film Weaving grows into the role more and becomes develops into an interesting character, in the beginning when she is just screaming and crying all the time it is quite dull to watch. By the by her scream here is deeply overused to the point of it becoming off putting, sometimes more is less.

The humour of the film produced a few chuckles from me though most of the jokes past me by unfazed. I would say this film is not a horror comedy as it prioritises its horror elements, though that is not a bad thing.

Overall, a good film that feels rough in a few areas.

Pros.

Weaving for the most part

The ending

The mythology

Cons.

The humour mostly passes me by

Weaving’s scream is overused to the point of either hilarity or annoyance depending on the person

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Bad Luck Banging Or Loony Porn: The Sex Tape You Need To See

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A school teacher, Katia Pascariu, must face a tribunal after her sex tape makes its way onto the internet.

This is one of the most refreshing films I have seen in a while. Not only is this film not afraid to take risks and cross the line, but it is also incredibly novel in a number of ways regarding storytelling that really help the film to feel unique and unlike anything else you would have previously seen.

This will not be for everyone as there are unsimulated sex acts on display which may make some people feel uncomfortable. However, it is not done in a creepy way rather the opposite, the nudity and sex in this film is used to remind us of our humanity and criticise the way the world is structured into a prudish sense of shaming anyone for enjoying sex.

I am not from Romania so I can’t confirm or deny how on or off base this film was in its comments about life in the country but I can say a lot of the points this film made about life, society and people felt true to me about my country miles away. I found this film to be incredibly insightful. There is a section of this film that is just graphics for about half an hour, the plot stops and it is random bits of text set to footage, now this doesn’t sound like it would work but it really does.

Overall, this is just what I needed a breath of fresh air.

Pro.

The originality

The comments about society

The humour and the absurdity

The way the story is told

The ending

Cons.

It may make some uncomfortable with how graphic its sex scenes are

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