Melania: The Final Verdict

Summary: Jeff over at Amazon did this to gain some favour with Donny Boy.

So, before we get into the film that has triggered so much outrage as believe me it will happen soon. I just wanted to say that this isn’t the first time a media company has made a film about a president or president’s family, there were many similar projects about the Obama’s so let’s not go down that road.

That said was this film needed? Did I waste my time? The answer is a hard no and maybe. In many ways this just feels like low rent reality TV, the sort you would expect of Trump and his family. Again is it awful not really it’s just brain-rot. There isn’t much ranting and raving about political matters, if anything it is trying to steer away from that altogether.

As you watch it you realise the film thinks it has a lot to say or that it has some deeper meaning but really it’s just a bored housewife trying to fill her days and in many senses that’s a universal concept.

It is neither shockingly bad nor shockingly good, it just kills an amount of time in your day and if that’s something you want then I guess you can watch it but otherwise maybe give it a miss

Overall, a waste of time.

2/5

Pros.

It is passive viewing

It is short

Cons.

It is boring

It isn’t deep

It didn’t need to be made

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Nuremberg: Russell Crow Still Has It

Summary

This was a surprise.

I enjoyed the film and the serious approach it took not just to the subject matter but also to assuming that audiences could understand a more dense and intelligent script.

I thought the performances across the board were good but I thought Russell Crow was the clear standout for his role here. He managed to be both evil and terrifying whilst also being somewhat sympathetic at times. You could believe him as a master manipulator.

My central issue with the film would be that it had too many characters and tried to do too much, it did have some side plots it handled well, but others it didn’t give proper time to.

Overall, an impactful and well acted film.

3.5/5

Pros.

The acting

The scope

The seriousness

The cat and mouse plot line

Cons.

It took on too much

It had pacing issues

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Return To Silent Hill: Return To 2000

Summary: A man ventures back to a town he used to live in to find a lost love.

If you haven’t played any of the Silent Hill games but particularly Silent Hill 2 you will not understand what’s going on, this is a very direct translation of the games in many ways and a lot will be lost if you haven’t played them.

There is such a 2000s feel to this film and it really isn’t something you see much of these days. The grime, the colour saturation all of it feels like something that has been lost.

The main negative of the film is that it moves incredibly slowly, at almost 2 hours even the biggest fan will be checking their phone to see how long is left before the end credits roll.

Overall, if you enjoyed the game and want to experience it again, but don’t want to replay it and want instead to spend extra money then watching this film is just the ticket.

Pros.

It is a faithful creation

It has some good horror moments

The ending

Cons.

It is slow

It is hard to see what’s going on at times

If you haven’t played the games you’ll be lost

2/5

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Saipan: Roy Keane Implodes His Career

Summary: the lead up to Ireland’s attempt at the 2002 world cup.

I question the need for this film, it was entertaining but I don’t know if there was enough of a story there for a feature film.

One thing I will give it credit for is that it never took anyone’s side and it showed the unprofessionalism of all sides of the endeavour. Mick, Coogan, had points, but so did Keane, Hardwicke. In that respect you could not call it a hatchet job against Keane.

I think the film does a lot to show the experience of the footballers during the tournament and to make you feel like you were there with them, it also makes football feel like a personal endeavour rather than a billion pound industry. This film can be watched without any knowledge of football, I for one did not know anything about the sport or this world cup before watching the film yet found it very accessible.

Overall, a watchable film but one in which I would question why it was made.

2.5/5

Pros.

It’s watchable

It has good performances

It is engrossing

Cons.

What was the point?

Pacing issues

It ends abruptly

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Rental Family: Someone Give Brendan Fraser A Hug

Summary, A depressed man finds meaning in playing pretend.

So I got a early screener for this film, not a common thing for me, but there you go. Going to say that upfront.

This film was terribly depressing, I had seen in the trailer it be called a feel good film, I don’t see where that element was.

It felt in many ways like a spiritual sequel to the Whale, it was more of Brendan Fraser being depressed. This time being saved by a little girl and an old man. Each of which have their own horribly depressing stories. I put off writing this review as I knew I would have to go over all this again and feel depressed.

There is some comedy in the concept of the rental family and the inherently silly goofiness of it, but by and large this is a drama film.

I suppose you could argue the ending is somewhat bittersweet, Brendan Fraser gets to continue on in a father like role to the little girl and things seems to change for the better, but at what cost. Likely for the jailbreak Fraser’s character should be in prison.

Overall, not a good way to start the year unless you want to be depressed.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is competently made

There is some novelty to it

Cons.

It is depressing

There really isn’t a lot of levity

The side characters, particularly the people at the agency don’t get much development

It’s badly paced

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28 Years Later Bone Temple: Ralph Fiennes Gets His Goth On

Summary, after deciding to stay on the road Spike joins up with the Jimmy Saville gang.

The film does not explain why Lord Jimmy and the other Jimmies take their name from Jimmy Saville, the well known child abuser, but hey maybe that will come up in a future film.

I would say that this film is more consistent than the first, as in it feels like one film not two cut into one. However, this film feels like a spin off rather than a sequel. It feels disconnected in some ways from the first film, Aaron Taylor Johnson set off looking for his son at the end of the first film yet isn’t in this at all.

Jack O’Connell has a lot of great scenes as Sir Jimmy and this is certainly his film. It is horrifying to explore the warped psychology of the Jimmies and the film is right to focus on them. However, there is a Mary Sue here, one of the female Jimmies later revealed to be called Kelly wipes out scores of her fellow Jimmies who are bigger than her with ease. This is irritating, the film could have fixed this with one line of dialogue saying she had been with the Jimmies longer than the others and so was more brutal or hardened.

Fiennes has a lot of fun jumping around and pretending to be the Devil, that bit is fun, but the rest of his bonding with Sampson and their comedic misadventures misreads the tone of the film and can be a bit distractingly silly at times.

Seeing Cillian Murphy return at the end and hearing the theme of the original film is a cheer worthy moment to end on. It will be interesting to see where Hannah is.

Overall, a more consistent film than the first Years later, but let down by a triumvirate of tone issues, disconnection from the first film and Mary Sue energy.

3.5/5

Pros

Jack O’Connell and the Jimmies

Ralph Fiennes pretending to be the Devil

Seeing more of the world

Cillian Murphy’s return

Cons.

Whilst likeable Kelly is a Mary Sue

The tone is wildly off going from a scene of people having their skin cut off to nude dancing for no reason.

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Primate: So It Has Come To This

Summary: A monkey goes bad after being bitten by a rabid animal.

Truly we are at the bottom of the barrel, rather than come up with fresh concepts we are recycling the same old idea of animal attack films. How many times do we need to see bad dogs, bad monkeys, bad sharks. It’s all the same.

This film is exactly what you would expect it to be, bad teen cast, that cannot act, being hunted down by a monkey. Again does it follow logic or make sense, nope, do the human characters behave like people with brains? Of course not.

The scares aren’t there as if anything the film is frustrating, you could easily escape the situation in a number of ways but it just keeps carrying on, seeing the Monkey act out is not scary it feels like people deliberately keeping themselves in harms way.

I cannot for the life of me understand why this is held in high regard on rotten tomatoes as it is just another generic horror film.

Overall, give it a miss.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is short

It is unintentionally funny

Cons.

It is generic

It is badly acted

It is irritating

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The King Of Coal: Pedro Pascal’s Bad Touch Nepotism

Summary

A film that never would have been made if Pedro Pascal wasn’t the current Hollywood Golden boy, he’s the one who got his brother this work through pure nepotism.

This is why people are cancelling Netflix, who is this for, the LGBTQ+ audience are tiny as they are only a fraction of the world’s population and you better believe mass audiences aren’t watching this. It reads as Netflix burning cash to appease talent and maintain good relations with Pedro, until his non-consensual touching stuff comes out and then they’ll never have liked him.

This film feels like a sketch from a comedy film in the late 90s or early 2000s where the ridiculousness of this would be played up and laughed at. Here the film has spoof energy, feeling very much like Zoolander but then tries to be a serious film. All the way through, you are waiting for the minute they turn it into a joke but it doesn’t come. This film is an ode to gender lunacy.

The film itself tries to be aspirational and show the story of a man overcoming hardship, however, the reality the film creates is so out of touch is so unreal that it makes the film hard to take seriously. The fact this is supposed to be set in the real world, not in a fantasy land, and they expect you to believe that these things could happen in the way the film claims is just silly.

Rather than helping to reverse stereotypes or have a serious conversation Netflix makes things like this that are too goofy to even be called propaganda.

Overall, Pedro Pascal has been a net negative for Hollywood.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is unintentionally hilarious

Cons.

It is hamfisted

It is ridiculous

It is badly paced

It is lecturing

It was only made due to nepotism

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We Bury the Dead: Daisy Ridley Can’t Act

Summary

Fresh off her latest failed attempt to be an action star in The Cleaner, Ridley returns in a film that feels more than a little inspired by the 28 Days/Weeks/Years franchise.

Hollywood morality folks, this film wants you to root for Ava, Ridley, despite you learning that she had an affair despite spending the whole film dreaming about her husband. You imagine her as a loving wife at the start of the film, you feel bad for her, and then you are shown that when she couldn’t get pregnant she had an affair. This is what Hollywood wants us to root for now. The film even tries to justify her by going well he later cheated on her too, ignoring the fact she was the one that broke the monogamy

The film takes the more slow and reflective elements of the recent 28 Years Later and makes it the whole film. Whilst these are technically zombies or rage monsters, they are in a similar ballpark. You get a scene wherein one of the infected digs a hole and allows Ridley to kill him showing that these zombies are more thinking that most. Once again people want angry monsters, hence the Walking Dead did well, not thoughtful quasi humans.

Ridley is wooden throughout and can’t manage anything that you might call emotional range. I don’t know why anyone is surprised, her career so far doesn’t say that she is capable of acting.

Overall, Daisy Ridley needs to stop acting.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

Ridley cannot act

It feels derivative

It has pacing issues

It wants you to sympathies with a truly unlikeable protagonist

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Song Sung Blue: I Hope You Like Neil Diamond

Summary

Two love birds cover Neil Diamond

This was a mixed to good sort of film. It had a nice love story, the two leads were good and for the most part it was a feel good film. The issue for me came from the fact that the ending, which I won’t spoil for you, is incredibly depressing. It’s a biopic so you can’t do much about it, but still be prepared for it going on.

As far as the music goes I do think this film goes a little far in just how many numbers they put in, it’s not just Diamonds greatest hits it’s almost his entire catalogue, except America. That’s hyperbole but not by much.

I think the film does more than a standard musical biopic by trying to cover other areas of their life in as much if not more so detail, I respect that level of attention to detail.

Overall, expect a little more than a standard musical biopic, but be prepared for the depressing ending and for the songs to go on for just a little bit too long.

4/5

Pros.

The love story

How it deals with adversity

It is for the most part feel good

It does more than most biopics

Cons.

The ending

The songs go on for too long

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