Kinda Pregnant: Motherhood Does Not Mature People

Amy Schumer shows that even after becoming someone’s mother she still prepared to debase herself and embarrassed them in the desperate hope of being a movie star.

Seeing Netflix make films like this makes me want to cancel my subscription, remember when Netflix used to make good quality programming and not lowest common denominator drek, I sure do.

Schumer is just as unfunny as ever, it is funny to see her play a woman so insecure and pathetic that she has to pretend to be pregnant for attention that is very on brand for her. It gets to a point in the film where you almost start to feel bad for her and go how much lower can she sink.

Most of the comedy if you can call it that is clawing and mean spirited, Schumer thinks that by making a few negative remarks about herself that it absolves all the punching down but it really doesn’t in anyway.

The film drags on for far too long and then ends, allowing you to feel the sweet relief of not having to watch it anymore, which is the greatest gift.

Overall, none of Schumers films are good but this one makes you at least feel somewhat bad for how low she is prepared to go to be seen as relevant.

0.5/5

Pros.

You almost pity Schumer at times

Cons.

It is not funny

It is boring

It is too long

It tries far too hard to be trendy

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Bridget Jones Mad About The Boy: Later In Life Dating

Summary

Bridget Jones, Renee Zellweger, is back.

I think this is probably the film of the year so far. In many ways this is a near perfect film, the only thing that I didn’t like was the creepy sort of age play relationship sub plot- I didn’t like it as it felt icky plus you can guarantee that if such a storyline was done with a man and a younger women these days people would be up in arms.

That aside I thought this film was just the right amount of old notes brought back to play homage to previous film and also new ideas. It was fun to see the family dynamic of seeing Bridget with kids, it was nice to see the dysfunctional single mother be played without the judgement, she cared about her kids deeply and was there for them whilst also having her own thing. Take note Hollywood that is how single mothers should be.

I thought how they handled the passing of Colin Firth’s character was both beautiful and sad, there was a real melancholy there, but the film handled it in a mature and grown up way. I think the final time we see the ghost of Firth’s character at the school play is a fantastic moment and one in which it is hard not to shed a tear.

Overall, a wonderful send off for the franchise.

4.5/5

Pros.

It is sweet

It gives the characters a good send off

It merges the old and the new well

It is well paced

It is funny

Cons.

The icky relationship

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Emily Perez: Drug Cartels Are Selena Gomez’s People

Summary

Yikes. That sums up the film nicely. Do we really need to say more?

So as many of you know this film has been in the headlines recently for all the wrong reasons, what it should be getting attention for is pushing questionable gender science, having course and vulgar songs that make WAP look like a children’s nursery rhyme and of course softening Mexican drug cartels that kill thousands of people every year.

It is quite funny to see the situation that critics have gotten themselves into on this one, as of course they have to support the film with a trans lead, but now as more and more things about said lead are starting to come out, these left wing critics are starting to have to say things that they may once have said was transphobic.

For me the biggest issues with this film is taste, there are a number of moments and choices in the film that feel in bad taste, simply put. To make a musical about the cartels is simply insensitive and at worst wrong. Worse yet this decision makes the tone of the film feel at times schizophrenic to the subject matter.

Overall, a bad decision all round.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is laughably bad

Cons.

The songs

It pushes bad science

The acting is awful

It has tonal problems

The pace is off

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Rumours: A Fitting Takedown Of Justin Trudeau

Summary

A group of politicians gather together to write a joint statement, things then get out of hand.

I enjoyed the satire of this film, I thought that it tried to do something different and poke fun in a smarter way at politicians and the wider political climate. However, certainly not all the aspects of it came together, I do think that some of the weirder stuff from the third act went a little bit too silly, I could see what they were trying to say but I think that it started to lose the intelligence it had built up in favour of trying to be more out there for the sake of it.

The cast is quite good I would say that this is Cate Blanchett’s film through and through and she does tower above everyone else in it. She is not the main character and the film acts as more of an ensemble yet whenever she does have a scene she steals it.

I wouldn’t say it was a laugh a minute, I would say that they are more few and far between but the film did make me laugh a few times and does have some good jokes in it, if you like the humour of something like VEEP, you will like it.

Overall, an original film if one that doesn’t completely work

3/5

Pros.

It has charm

It is original

Blanchette is good

Cons.

The third act doesn’t work

It has pacing issues

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One Of Them Days: Yet More Stereotypical Black Women

Summary

A film chocked full of stereotypes.

This film would have been considered incredibly racist if it was directed by a nonblack person. Increasingly certain parts of cinema are defining a black woman as either wise and sage or like they are here, it is two separate stereotypes that are continuing to put these women in a box. The worst thing of all is that here these women couldn’t get anymore stereotypical unless they randomly broke out into jive every few minutes, and the writer of this project is herself a black woman, so she is perpetuating a racist stereotype against other black women.

The film itself is allergic to originality and is the same thing we have seen countless times before two sort of losers have to fix a problem, here it is getting rent money, and hijinks happen along the way. Again these hijinks further the stereotypes I was previously discussing as the two leads, played by Keke Palmer and SZA, constantly get into fights with various groups of people, which again feels like it is leaning into stereotypes.

None of the performances were very good either, I didn’t feel any warmth to any of the characters.

Overall, very much January fare.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It stereotypes black women

It is generic

It isn’t funny

It has pacing issues

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Merry Good Enough: Not Really Good Enough

Summary

A mother, Susan Gallagher, goes missing on Christmas.

So this is a holdover from my 2024 Christmas viewing season, as I am now writing about it in late January, it slipped through my net regarding posts to release and I had forgotten I had seen it for a while on top of that. That should say all we need to about the film leading in.

However, I imagine you want more. So basically this is a film about a mother who feels underappreciated and runs away both because she wants to escape her children but also because she wants to know they care. This bizarre dichotomy is made only the more strange by the fact that she does not live with her children so why does she need to escape them, one whom she quarrels with comes around every week but she still has the rest of her week to herself. Anyway logic aside.

The kids air family grievances and have to come to terms with the fact that there parents are not perfect people, a thing that most already know by their mid-teens, but hey these folks have to figure it out as adults as they are all clearly quite sheltered.

There is some charm and some relatability but ultimately you cannot form a bond with any of the characters as the writing is just so poor, they don’t feel like people but rather archetypes.

Overall, a fairly forgettable Christmas dramady.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a few warm moments

Cons.

It is poorly paced

It is forgettable

The characters feel like characters

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A Real Life: This Is Why Folk Hate Americans Abroad

Summary

A guided tour of Poland takes a turn for the emotional.

This was a perfectly fine film, but I am left wondering how it was nominated for awards. In my estimation the only reason this got nominated for anything is because the awarding bodies, acutely aware that they have been demonising jews and Israel for the year need to do something to cover themselves in the face of antisemitism accusations, so they do this: much as a racist may remind you they have a black friend.

I thought narratively it was no great shake due to the fact that the reveal was obvious. We have seen the formula of successful friend of family member, here Eisenberg, meets with less successful or wash out friend of family member, here Culkin, for the latter to turn out to be on the verge of suicide or some form of trauma and for the former then have to give them a reason to live again. Film’s as different to this as The World’s End did this narrative.

Moreover, Culkin’s character which was supposed to be sympathetic just wasn’t. He seemed to be an awful person with few redeeming qualities, a perfect example of this is when he berates the guide for giving information. The others or his tour may well have wanted to hear it but because he didn’t he behaves unilaterally. The fact they have a scene later when the tour guide thanks him makes it all the worse, as this scene feels like it is there in order to excuse the character rather than how people would actually behave. There are not enough scenes where you feel warmth towards his character to make you feel anything when the truth about his trauma comes out.

Overall, I am a fan of Eisenburg and will always show up to his projects, however, the writing in this one was a little cliched and weak.

2.5/5

Pros.

There are some fun moments

It does have an emotional core, but that doesn’t make you empathise with the characters

The central duo have a believable familial friendship

Cons.

Culkin’s character is insufferable

The reveal is obvious

The supporting cast are wasted

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Wallace and Gromit Vengeance Most Fowl: Keep Out Of Yorkshire

Summary

Wallace, voiced by Benjamin Whitehead, and Gromit are back and this time they are dealing with smart technology.

So I like Aardman, and I think the studio is talented but I really think it depends on the project, for example all of the Wallace and Gromit films are good, as is Robin Robin and the first Chicken Run, however things like Early Man, The Netflix Chicken Run, Shaun The Sheep and their segment for the second season of Star Wars Visions are bad. It is a mixed bag.

With this film I would argue it is watchable and has its moments but isn’t as strong as any of the other film films in the series particularly Wererabbit. I just found the inciting incident to be a little bit gimmicky, the smart gnomes felt a bit like taking a franchise that felt like it was set in the past, by design and that added to it, and then forcing in modern tech in a desperate attempt to seem trendy.

Bringing back Feathers McGraw was a good decision and the ending fight atop a train bridge was a lot of fun, as was him escaping to Yorkshire. It was a joke that only certain people may have gotten but it landed for me, I would have liked to have seen more of him throughout the film rather than wasting so much time with the gnomes.

Overall, good but not a patch on Wererabbit

3/5

Pros.

It is watchable

There is still a charm there

The ending

Cons.

It wastes too much time

The smart gnome feels gimmicky

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Our Little Secret: Hide The Snow Lindsey Lohan Is Around

Summary

The woman who tried to abduct a Syrian child back in 2018 is back, look it up, as Lindsey Lohan continues her ill-fated string of Netflix Christmas releases.

This time around it follows a couple who broke up as one of them simply couldn’t move to London for a bit, and now they are with new people, and yet they run into each other at Christmas party and realise they are dating siblings in the same family. Hijinks ensue.

A lot of people have made fun of this film for the fact that everyone in it looks like they have been covered in fake tan in much the same way people used to get slimed at the Kids Choice Awards. However, the real issue is that Netflix was so cheap they used Lohan and Ian Harding, the film’s male lead, to play younger versions of themselves rather than hire younger actors and its horribly jarring.

The film lacks the charm of a Princess Switch and instead feels incredibly tame, even by Hallmark standards this film would be looked at as incredibly safe. The central romance feels off as well, chiefly the main thought I had during this film is that Lohan should just retire and enjoy her life like Cameron Diaz, what she is doing isn’t acting it is just her playing a safer and more Christian version of her character from the Parent Trap aged up.

Overall, Netflix has embarrassed themselves again.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is so bad it is funny at times

It is inoffensive

Cons.

It is slow

It is boring

The romance doesn’t work

Lindsey Lohan is miscast

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That Christmas: An Epitaph To The Sorry State Of Modern Britain

Summary

Richard Curtis should retire and Netflix should issue a public apology.

Where to start with That Christmas? There are so many things wrong with it that I honestly don’t know.

First and foremost it doesn’t understand the UK, it was written by an Englishman and yet it depicts a south coastal city in the winter as having knee deep snow and having frozen ponds and bodies of water. For those of you not familiar with UK weather that is incredibly unlikely unless maybe you were at high altitude or it was particularly cold but otherwise it is nonsense.

Then you have all of your horrible and dating ‘modern day tropes’ one of the characters is really into militant veganism and so releases all of the Turkey’s to die or later be recaptured, another goes off on multiple climate change lectures and of course has all the answers despite being a child. Then there is the fetishisation of the NHS, our free public health service here in the UK if you’re unfamiliar, with their being a whole subplot about a single mother, voiced by Jodie Whittaker, being selfless and working on Christmas Day and needing to be treated like a queen when she returns home. It has the sickening and fake over sentimentality of when people were banging pots and pans in Tribute to the NHS during the pandemic. She is doing her job, and arguably being a bad parent, yet we are supposed to give her some applause? Of course every different race imaginable is depicted as it’s a Netflix film and they don’t seem to understand that not every part of every country is the same as what they see on the streets of LA, especially not the monied parts of southern England.

Finally, it struggles as a Christmas film without a message. All good Christmas films have a message as well as being entertaining, but what does this film have to say? Communities should come together? Christmas is about the people and not the presents? Old people caused global warming and so are evil? All of these things have been said before, more intelligently and with more depth, by trying so hard to appeal to a modern audience the film is left saying nothing.

Overall, Netflix spits in your face and tells you it is Christmas snow.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It doesn’t understand the UK at all

It is horribly dated

It is cringe

It feels the need to lecture

It has nothing new to say

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