Scrooge A Christmas Carol: The Very Worst Seasonal Musical

Summary

A musical take on A Christmas Carol, but without the talent or the charm needed to pull that off.

Netflix has had quite a good track record of bringing out really good animated Christmas films they’ve had Klaus and Robin Robin, both of those films have become instant classics that I want to watch every year, however, this film really missed the mark for me and left me cold.

The main problem with this film is that it did nothing new with the story, sure it added a few extra lines here and there and reworded some stuff to make it more modern but if you compare this film to Apple’s Spirited where there is drastically different new elements to the classic tale, this is just more of the same but with a few bad new lines and even worse songs.

Don’t even get me started on the songs, they range from irritating to truly tuneless and awful and it leaves you questioning if the musical numbers are this bad why didn’t they decide to just have it be a normal non-musical film and scrap them in post?

The voice acting cast should have been able to bring the film together despite all of its various problems there is a lot of talent involved, such as Jessie Buckley, Olivia Coleman and Luke Evans, however, not a one of them turn up and for the most part it just feels like they are there for the paycheck and nothing else.

Overall, A disappointing waste.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is unintentionally funny

It is relatively short

Cons.

It is a worse version of a classic

The few new changes make it inferior

The songs are awful

The voice actors clearly don’t care

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Lady Chatterley’s Lover: Netflix Throws Another Book On The Bonfire

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another classic work of British literature is given the Netflix treatment and soiled.

Netflix and for that matter most non-British production studios just can’t ever seem to get right the very British sentiment behind these books, be it this or the works of Jane Austen, the themes and ideas that in many senses are timeless. So what do they do instead? They do what all hacks do they modernise, they take something timeless and they date it in the current year, they make yet another Bridgeton which some people like sure but that is also a million miles away from the spirit of the text.

The central romance, if you can call it that, is incredibly stunted and at times just plain awkward, it is fairly clear neither of the leads have any chemistry with the other, or even seem to like each other, and all of the forced romance scenes comes across as incredibly cold, emotionless and a little silly. I would say of the two Emma Corin has the far worse showing, with this and My Policeman really starting to make me question how they were ever able to get into acting in the first place as they clearly lack talent. A rich parent is probably the answer.

Overall, Netflix needs to realise that they can only push their Bridgeton esque pap so far.

1/5

Pros.

I’m struggling

Cons.

It doesn’t understand the spirit of the text at all

The romance is awkward and cringe

The leads have no chemistry

It is boring and a slog to watch

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Slumberland: Hanging Out With A Pet Pig

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After losing her dad, played by Kyle Chandler, Nemo, played by Marko Barkley, ventures into a world of dreams and nightmares in order to see him one last time.

I think the strengths of this film lie on the shoulders of Jason Mamoa and Chris O’Dowd, Mamoa for his effortlessly charming nature and surprisingly endearing turn and O’Dowd for just how much human realness he brings to his role as a guy suddenly forced into being a father. Of the two I would probably give it to O’Dowd as I think a few of his scenes where he is opening up emotionally with Nemo are quite powerful, as is the ending when he is racing to save her.

In terms of wider fantasy, the film has a few interesting set pieces but is mostly by the numbers. There is nothing that you won’t have seen done before especially if you are a fan of the genre. However, I did appreciate the gothic sense of style this film has which is almost certainly a by product of its source material, there is something very ancient and other worldly about this film, especially as it rarely features smart phones.

Overall, a surprisingly good Netflix film with some strong performances

O’Dowd

Mamoa

The heart

The gothic sensibilities

Cons.

It is nothing new

The CGI is a little patchy in places

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Christmas On Mistletoe Farm: You Deserve Better Than This

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A businessman, played by Scott Garnham, must take over the reigns of his father’s farm. Hijinks ensue.

I must say I have seen a lot of terrible Christmas films in my time but this has to be one of the worst I have ever seen, why Netflix ever decided to greenlight this is beyond me.

This film proves fairly conclusively that Debbie Isitt is a hack, or at best a one trick pony. She uses the exact same formula she did on Nativity, a no nonsense lead that needs to learn to cut loose, a stupid and loud sidekick that acts more like a child than a grown man and a large grouping of children who struggle to act. Whilst this worked for the first Nativity and just about managed to for the second, thanks in large part to David Tennant, here it just feels incredibly obvious and lazy, clearly she doesn’t have enough imagination to come up with a different premise and can only move the location of her tale around to pretend to be different.

Moreover, this film is a slog to get through. The pace of this film is awful, not only does it approach two hours, despite having no business to, it also meanders along at such a mind numbing pace that you question whether this is some new form of incredibly insidious torture designed to drive you mad. Nothing much happens across the whole of the film, because once again to be exciting and to have things happen would take imagination and writing ability that clearly the team behind this don’t have.

Overall, offensively slow and uninteresting

Pros.

It would be a good film to put on as you are falling to sleep for some background noise

Cons.

It is borderline unwatchable

It is a slog to get through and feels like a trail fit for the Ancient world

It is the same situations and characters as in Nativity only worse

There is very little at all to like about it

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Christmas With You: A Sleazey Christmas Message

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A famous singer, played by Andi Garcia, decides to spend Christmas with a fan, played by Deja Monique Cruz, whose TikTok video she likes, and whilst she is there she also decides to hook up with the fan’s dad, played by Freddie Prinze Jr.

Honestly, I just thought this was fairly boring, it wasn’t so bad it was good nor was it redeemable or even enjoyable in any way. As I approached the two thirds mark I was checking to see how long was left which highlights how much of a slog this film is to get through, it is really just aggressively average.

The worst thing about this film is just how little chemistry the two leads have, there is a moment in the final few minutes of the film where they have their big first kiss of the film and it couldn’t be more cold if they were trying for it.

Moreover, there is inherently something a bit icky about a star coming to spent time with her teen fan and then hooking up with her dad and becoming her new stepmother. I don’t know it struck a weird and not wanted chord with me.

Overall, a deeply meh Christmas film that you can easily give a miss.

Pros.

It is watchable

It does have some unintentional humour

It is nice to see Freddie Prinze Jr back on screens again

Cons.

It is boring and a slog to watch

The premise is a bit icky

The leads have no chemistry at all

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Falling For Christmas: Lohan Is Back

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hotel heiress, played by Lindsey Lohan, has her life turned upside down when she get short term amnesia and is nursed back to health at a ski lodge.

It is nice to see Lohan back, after being away for so long and dealing with so much, she definitely is the life and soul of this film making for a great female lead who is easy to warm to and whose evolution over the course of the film you can both feel and see on screen.

However, even she and her pretty good chemistry with her co-star Chord Overstreet, aren’t enough to save this film from all the hallmarks and cliches of these so bad there good Christmas films. Everything feels very formulaic and happens exactly as you would expect it when you would expect it to, there is no shock and nothing deviates from the trite script. This does takeaway from any potential stakes that the film might have as ultimately you know where this film is going at all times.

Another mark against this film comes from how long it spends talking about all the influencer stuff at the start of the film, it reads like a ninety year old talking about how the youth of today are and it is cringe as hell. Honestly the influencer character of Tad, played by George Young, makes the whole opening ten minutes of this film borderline unwatchable.

Overall, Lohan tries her best but the formulaic nature of this film holds it back.

Pros.

Lohan

The chemistry

Quite a few sweet moments

Cons.

Tad and all the influencer stuff

It is incredibly generic and formulaic

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Holiday Rush: Moving From A Mansion To A Large House, A Tale Of Poverty

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A single father, played by Romany Malco, must get his family through a tough time in the lead up to Christmas as they go from haves to have nots.

A lot of these low budget Christmas films that I have been watching recently have mostly left me cold, but this one was slightly, and I do mean slightly, above the rest.

The main reason for this elevation is Malco as the leading man, not only do we root for him but we also really buy into his struggles. Part of the reason why Malco’s character in this film works is because he is so relatable and humble. He never comes off as smug or self-righteous as often many of the characters in these sorts of films do, but instead he feels like a family man who will do anything for his kids.

The plot has been done before and there are no new surprises or subversions thrown in, it very much is what you see is what you get. The ending is also exactly what you would think it would be and in that regard I am not complaining as I thought it was fairly fitting, but throughout the rest of the film it does become somewhat tediously obvious.

Overall, a slightly better than average low budget Christmas film.

Pros.

Malco

The ending

A few funny moments

Cons.

It is predictable

The child actors/ teen actors are awful

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Big Mouth Season Six Overview: The Lows Of Life

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Hearts are broken, families are changed forever, and a new hormone monster is born.

I was eagerly awaiting the new season of Big Mouth, it is one of my favourite adult animated shows and is usually consistently good. This season is good however, it is also far sadder than I was expecting it to be, yes primarily the comedy is still there and the jokes are funny enough to keep you laughing through all the sad, but I thought there was quite a lot of heaviness to this season of the show. Though I suppose that is reflective of life.

I enjoyed the theme of change and reconciliation this season, I thought that in a lot of ways it felt very natural and worked in many of the characters arcs. I think the show continues to delve to new emotional depths despite all of the rather gross out gags.

I only had two real issues with this season, firstly that Lola had way too much screen time and secondly that the Nick’s Grandfather storyline was given far too easy a tying up. Regarding the former, I think that though Lola has interesting moments and certainly still has some areas of exploration open to her character’s journey, often she is used in far too one note a way and the storyline she is given here shows this to the nth degree. In terms of the Nick’s Grandfather storyline I think that for the most part it is very bare bones and lacks a lot of the nuance and depth the show is known for, but also I thought wrapping it up simply by having the characters saying I love you to fix everything is lazy writing.

Overall, a good season on the whole but one that is surprisingly sad.

Pros.

The nuance

The sombre tone

Jay’s storyline

Andrew’s storyline

Cons.

Nick’s Grandfather is overused and underexplored

Lola is given too much screen time

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Henry Cavill Leaves The Witcher: Netflix Can’t Seem To Do Anything Right

Written by Luke Barnes

I want to use this piece to talk about the recent news of Henry Cavill stepping away from playing the role of Geralt in the Witcher tv series and the fact that the series is carrying on without him. I believe it is terrible news and that Netflix should and probably will after the fourth series cancel the show.

I want to be up front with you all, I stopped watching this show after the midpoint of season two, it had no resemblance to the books and games and treated the characters with an irreverence that bordered on contempt for the source material. In many scenes I dislike this show, however, one of the few things I could give it was the fact that Henry Cavill was well suited to the role and genuinely seemed to care about the character. However with his departure, which is almost certainly due to the fact that he is back as Superman, and the fact the show is just going to recast and pretend like nothing has happened the show loses one of its key assets. Now I am not saying that Liam Hemsworth will be a bad Geralt, or that he won’t care about the character in the same way Cavill did but I will say I have seen nothing in Hemsworth’s filmography this far that suggests that this is in anyway something he would be well suited for. I don’t think he has the right physicality for it either.

I think if Netflix were smart they would shift focus now that Cavill is out to animation for the Witcher universe wherein shifting voice actors wouldn’t be so noticed and were acting in it would be a lot less of a commitment. They could even hire the voice actor who played Geralt in the games to voice the character here as well, a move that would definitely please many parts of the fandom. However, because Netflix aren’t smart, and have proven this time and again, they will carry on with the show with Hemsworth under the notion that they can just replace one handsome man with another and no one will notice, ignore the fact that the fans are annoyed and angry about it and then be surprised when the fourth series tanks ratings wise. No doubt toxic fandoms will be blamed, but really this is all on Netflix, they should have given Cavill more money or whatever he wanted to stick around at least until the end of season four where they could have rushed to wrap up

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Dahmer-Monster, The Jeffery Dahmer Story: Netflix Should Be Ashamed And The Victims Families Should Sue

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A dramatic retelling of the life and crimes of Jeffery Dahmer, played by Evan Peters.

I think this series would have been a lot better if Ryan Murphy hadn’t been involved in it. Murphy brings his trademark soft core porn feel to this series and we have a lot of scenes of Jeff touching himself or of him and his victims, sometimes during and sometimes after death. To say this show fetishizes the crimes committed by Dahmer for cheap thrills would be an understatement. There was no need for half of the intimate scenes we got, in the context of the show and considering as well that Dahmer’s victims families are in some cases still alive it felt to be the height of bad taste.

I think Evan Peters fit well in the role, he brought the right level of detachment and coldness to it. However, in many other ways his performance was quite limited and felt very reminiscent of Peters’ performances elsewhere. I think very much like Jack Black, Dwayne Johnson and Michael Cain Peters is a one note actor.

Overall, a good and at times very compelling series, however, after watching it you will feel like you need a shower and be angry at Netflix for sexualising a series of brutal murders.

Pros.

It is compelling

Peters

It is watchable

Cons.

It fetishizes events

Peters hits his limits

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