Legend Of The Tomb Raid: Series Overview

Haley Atwell’s turn as Lara Croft is a botch from top to bottom.

It is such a shame to say that Hayley Atwell who was a great fit for Croft, though I would have gone live action, is really wasted here. The series feels very generic and as thought it could be based on anything, the series doesn’t seem to understand the games at all.

Moreover, the physicality of Lara Croft with her looking jacked and pretty masculine doesn’t track either, in the games she doesn’t look like that, in no other fiction is she shown in such a way. That is also true for the fact that now Lara is BI a detail that again has no origin in anything other than it’s a Netflix show so of course she is now.

Crucially the series doesn’t have any of the heart or the fun of the games, raiding tombs doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom and action Lara does have a softer and funnier side, and that is actually shown in the games.

Overall, Netflix has done what it does with everything .

0.5/5

Pros.

It isn’t as bad as it could have been

Cons.

Netflix modernise it

It has nothing to do with the games or the character

It wastes Atwell

It has no fun or heart

It makes Lara look masculine

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Irish Wish: Lohan’s Wish Should Have Been To Redo Her Career

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Lindsay Lohan plays a book editor who travels to Ireland and hangs out with a Saint, yes this is what Netflix has come to.

I enjoy a so bad it’s good Hallmark, or Hallmark like romcom film just as much as the next person, but I have to say, and maybe it’s the quarter Irish blood in me, that this film is offensively bad. It is not 0/5 bad as there was still some jokes to be had at the films expense, but it is fairly egregious. The main reason for this being but the film is given the Emily in Paris treatment, all of the Irish characters are reduced to stereotypes and cheap caricatures, and of course the isle has to be magical because why leave cliches behind. The only way this film could have been more stereotypical would have been if she had her wish granted by a Leprechaun rather than a Saint.

However, the worst crime this film commits is that it’s boring, there were multiple moments where I considered turning off and I watch a lot of these sort of films every year especially around Christmas so I’m used to it. The issue here being that you just don’t care about a lot of the characters, such as they have a long series of side cutaways about Lohan’s characters mother, played by Jane Seymour, that just go nowhere she doesn’t even turn up in Ireland. It is due to how dull and undeveloped these characters are that the dull scenes feel even duller.

Overall, a Netflix rom-com that whilst has a number of so bad it is good laughs also suffers from some incredibly bad pacing and being boring.

2/5

Pros.

It is laughably bad

Lohan tries her best

Cons.

Pacing

It is boring at times

It is deeply offensive to the Irish

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Hearts Of Stone: Gal Gadot Is An Action Star

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Gal Gadot continues to be the best female action hero.

So a lot of people will dislike this film, because a lot of people dislike folks from Israel right now, antisemitism is rampant, but if you can put down your flags and your angry banners for a minute, then you’ll see this was actually a Netflix gem that far too many people slept on.

The plot is standard action fare, nothing much new, but Gadot approaches it with such charm and charisma that you remember why Wonder Woman worked so well. It is incredibly hard not to warm to her and root for her, moreover, unlike other wannabe action stars, looking at you Millie Bobby Brown, Gadot has the moves and the physicality to be able to pull off the fight scenes and make it look real.

I think that for an action film the pace was quite good, we didn’t waste time with too much exposition, we just got straight into it which was positive. From there we got some action, which I’d say it was a good, pretty great by Netflix standard, and then we were out. It made other Netflix action fare like Atlas look like sluggish messes.

Overall, Gal Gadot will always be an action hero.

3.5/5

Pros.

Gadot

The pace

The action

The charm

Cons.

The plot is dumb

The wider cast are mostly wasted

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Thelma The Unicorn: Netflix Just Doesn’t Care At This Point, They’ll Just Put Out Any Old Garbage

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A pony, voiced by Brittany Howard, decides to be a unicorn for reasons.

This is why Netflix will never be taken seriously as a film studio. This is why when the CEO is saying oh Barbie and Oppenheimer would have been just as big if they were released on Netflix no one believes him. Because for every good film Netflix puts out accidentally, there are 100 of these and films like Atlas, by that I mean utterly trash soulless pieces of garbage made as some sort of way to get a clever tax write off or maybe clean some cash, in my opinion.

So is there any heart or charm to this? Do you even need to ask me? Nope it is entirely soulless hollow 3D animation that looks just like everything else and that honestly for the amount of money Netflix likely put into this looks terrible.

The message of it is better to be yourself than be someone or something you are not is pretty on the nose here, I understand it is a kids film but you don’t have to treat the audience like they are dumb. Outside of that is there anything of good substance for your kids to mull over, or for you to mull over, not really there are some horrible references to things people over at Netflix think kids like, but it is all just the usual cringe.

Overall, if Netflix want to be taken seriously they need to cut production in half, they need to stop pumping out garbage all the time and take stock of what and who they have and try and retool anything they can’t cancel and cancel anything that is not locked down to try and turn these projects around. Netflix needs to start caring about quality over quantity.

1/5

Pros.

It is not offensively bad

Cons.

It is soulless

It is hollow

It is vapid

It message is obvious

It is ugly to look at

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Atlas: Jenny From The Block Fights The AI Screenwriter Netflix Used For This Film

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Netflix continues to make films by algorithm, with no human brain switched on.

So let’s get one thing out of the way early, Jennifer Lopez is not an action hero. I don’t care how many crappy action films Netflix insert her into there is nothing convincing about seeing her take down grown men when she doesn’t look like she even carries her own groceries. Yes here they do contrived things like put her in a mech in order to make her fighting look less laughably bad, but all it does is redirect the laughter towards the terrible CGI.

Moreover, Netflix continues its trend of adding in identity politics to almost every film they make as they think it will somehow make them popular with young people. Most young people don’t care about identity politics it is just an old group of men in California who think they do. It is as usual incredibly cynical and performative here as it always is, there is no real need for it, it is jus inserted in to tick off a list.

Had this film an air of parody to it then it could have been good, but no. This film takes itself incredibly seriously and thinks that it is high cinema when it is the furthest thing from it, residing somewhere even lower than the bargain bin. The idea of someone having to go and fight an AI is incredibly dumb and feels like the sort of thing that would have been written about 30 years ago not as we live alongside them.

Overall, Jennifer Lopez should stick to music, or rom-coms she has enough range for those, but stay away from action as unless she undergoes a massive physical transformation no one will ever believe her as an action star.

0.5/5

Pros.

It might be a useful form of torture at a CIA black site somewhere

Cons.

Jennifer Lopez is miscast

The threat feels like something people would worry about 30 years ago

The CGI is terrible

The plot makes no sense

The identity politics

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Rebel Moon Part 2: This Time With More Scars And An Even Worse Haircut

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

As Netflix seems to exist to throw good money after bad and bring us the very worst films that an algorithm could come up with, we get yet another trip into Zack Snyder’s lifeless Starwars rip-off world, but hey if you don’t like it its because you like films made by a committee, Snyder paraphrase.

Where to even begin with this film. I think this film as well as its previous instalment makes us all owe WBD a big apology, everyone who ever took Snyder’s side and said but his DC films would have been good if they had just let him work was wrong. Categorically wrong. It is now clear to see that left unchecked to do the writing and the directing and the visuals and all this that Snyder is a hack who cannot make films. Michael Bay may make films for teen boys but at least he can do an action sequence and stich together a story, Snyder can’t do either despite people thinking he was good with action.

The story and the world just get worse all the time, with every detail we learn more about this world it makes less and less sense. Not just that the more you learn about it the more you see just how bafflingly dumb it is with coal powered space ships and hover carts that are pulled by horses, the whole physics of it just make no sense. It highlights how Snyder can’t write a script to save his life.

The cast are once again forced to appear here, I assume it is a Movie 43 style deal wherein no one wants to be in it they are just forced by legal means to turn up every day. I remember when the first film was savaged some of the actors said how upsetting that was for them and seemed to think they were making a film that was going to change the world, but sadly I have to break their delusions once again and say that they are starring in trash science fiction that will be forgotten after the next Adam Sandler film drops on Netflix which as everyone worth their salt knows is every other weekend.

Overall, if you ever doubted that Zack Synder is a hack director he has gone out of his way to prove it to you here.

0.5/5

Pros.

If you pause it for long enough Netflix will bring up recommendations for other shows and films you might like and some of them might be good and then you can watch them instead.

Cons.

It is stupid and the films eats its own tail with logic

The cast are barely even awake

It is too long

It is poorly made

It makes you angry that kids go hungry in this world whilst Hollywood throws money away on trash like this

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Rebel Moon: Stop Giving Zack Snyder Creative Control

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Netflix doubles down on the 21^st century’s most over-hyped director, Zack Snyder.

Zack Snyder can’t seem to string a story together to save his life, maybe he is one of the few directors that works better under tight studio control, as such here we see some sort of rip-off of Star Wars and the Magnificent Seven/Seven Samurai that has no soul or personality. It is Bayian, a term I am coining to refer to the works of Michael Bay, in that it is all style and flash but underneath it is just nothing.

The decision to split this into two parts reeks of Netflix and Zack thinking this was going to be bigger than it was, as it stands it is just a film without an ending, reflecting my earlier point that Snyder can’t put a story together and is an awful writer.

Worse yet Sofia Boutella, who actually is a good actor she just chooses to star in flop after flop as she has the most unlucky agent in Hollywood, clearly has taken inspiration from the Alaqua Cox school of acting and plays her central role with the same look of I am a badass and I’m pissed off for the whole film. There is no attempt to give her character anything more than that, but that can be said also for the other characters who are so thin that you struggle to even call them caricatures.

Then you have the distinct lack of gore, what were they thinking there. Was this supposed to be child friendly, if so who thought that was a good idea considering most of Snyder’s fanbase are angry men, who whilst they may act like children are in fact not.

Overall, a woeful dud for Netflix

1/5

Pros.

It has some good visuals

Cons.

It’s boring

Sofia Boutella is awful

It is far too long

Snyder cannot write

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Orion And The Dark: One For The Anxious Kids

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young boy realises that the dark is nothing to be afraid of.

I really liked this film for the most part. I thought that Orion was super relatable, and that anyone who was ever an anxious kid will immediately remember feeling his anxieties, it is like a shared collective trauma. I thought it was a bit weird when we stepped away from Orion and it was about his kid and then her kid, I thought this seemed a little confused and messed with the flow of the film it would have worked better narratively if it had just stuck with him.

I thought Orion’s interactions with and friendships with Dark and the other night entities was all quite sweet. You really believed the friendship between Orion and Dark and when they save each other from death throughout the course of the film at different points you can see they care about each other. It is very wholesome. Plus it was nice seeing Natasia Demetriou get some work she is always great. My one complaint on the character side of things would be that the film had too many and as such some of the side characters came off as wanting and lacking in the personality department, we could see them on-screen but knew very little about them.

Overall, a solid Netflix animated film.

4/5

Pros.

The lead is super relatable

The friendship between Dark and Orion is nice

It is very wholesome

The animation is nice

Cons.

The side characters are underdeveloped

Swapping to Orion’s kid and then his kid’s kid is a bit jarring

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Chicken Run Dawn On The Nugget: I’d Rather Have Some KFC

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Chickens are back.

I am going to be up front with you all when I watched this film I was eating the Christmas deals from KFC at the same time, that is my sense of humour.

I like Aardman, I support British animation, but deary me this film was unnecessary. When will the trend of the characters we care about from previous films being called out by their kids end ? So here we see Molly, Bella Ramsey, call out her mum from hiding her from the world and saying how she wants more out of life, Ginger, Thandwie Newton, could have easily avoided the events of the film by saying ‘look if you go outside of this island you’ll die’ but no.

Anyway, the new preachy daughter character saying how the chickens now have a moral duty to go and free the other chickens in the camps at the end is just irritating. We don’t need every character to be an activist.

Maybe it is because I didn’t like the first film but if there was supposed to be any charm here it is just not showing up for me.

Finally, and this may be somewhat controversial, but Molly’s scouse best friend has an incredibly grating and irritating accent and every time she says anything it just goes through you. Having heard many a scouse accent in my time, I was thinking to myself is this someone making an over-the-top impression but nope. It is honestly hard to listen to at times.

Overall, they should make a Robin Robin sequel and stop this.

Pros.

It is short

The animation is impressive

Cons.

It didn’t need to exist

The whole plot of the film could have been easily avoided with one piece of dialogue

The scouse chicken

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Black Mirror: Season Six Overview

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A new season of Black Mirror presents itself, dare you step inside this modern day Twilight Zone.

I thought this season as a whole was fantastic, easily the best season of Black Mirror in years and certainly the best since Netflix took over the show. There were no bad episodes each episode both fit within the mould of the wider season whilst also doing something new and fun, this is highlighted perfectly by the two episodes that book end the season one is an inception like science fiction and the other an end times disaster romp through south Yorkshire.

As I have said in a number of reviews over the years when it comes to anthology shows and films it is very easy for one bad segment to hold back the wider whole of the season or film, however that definitely isn’t the case here. I also liked that though this season had Black Mirror’s sense of dark humour there were enough jokes and lighter moments scattered over the episodes to keep you watching whilst also perfectly balancing the tone.

Overall, this is a season of Black Mirror that pretty much anyone could enjoy.

4.5/5

Pros.

The tone of the episode

The way the episodes play with and interact with each other on a subtextual level

The acting is great

The concepts really come together

The twists and turns

Cons.

There were a few minor pacing issues within some of the episodes.

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