Animal Farm: Netflix Is Almost Fully Slop At This Point

Animal Farm for the TikTok generation.

Let’s not pretend that many of the people this film was aimed at had ever even read the book, one needs to say that many of the mindless drones who watched this film are a different farm animal from the ones primarily focused on in the film and that is sheep.

The fact the film featured a TikTok inspired dance sequence and shopping sequence shows you the sickening lack of subtly this film was going to approach the themes of the seminal book with. If you cannot tell yet this was not made for intellectual people.

Then they cast Seth Rogen in the role of Napolean, now Rogen is detestable for a few reasons, he is a self-hating Jewish person who spends an awful lot of his time apologising for being what he is, he has questionable involvement in the alleged crimes of James Franco, and also is the acceptable male buffoon character, whenever one of these left wing comedy tv shows/films are made. It is okay to laugh at him the show/film wants you to see how much of a loser he is as he debases himself. Rant over, whoever thought casting him here was a good idea needs firing, the central role of Napolean calls for someone with range who can convey the journey that the character is going on, perhaps a Shakespearean actor who can feel truly menacing, not Rogen who feels about as menacing as Shaggy from Scooby Doo. To say he lacks dramatic range is the understatement of the year.

They also cast a man to play the male role of Snowball, though of course this is done in the modern parlance wherein this is a man who thinks of himself as a woman, and Netflix thinks they are pushing boundaries by casting him, in a male role. This is stunt casting and little else.

On top of all that horrendousness you have the fact that the animation is the kind of horrible sterile CGI animation that everything is these days, the sort that makes you feel like it is made by robots rather than people.

Overall, everything about this endeavour feels soul crushing.

1/5

Pros.

You can use the noise of it to make sure you haven’t suddenly gone deaf.

Cons.

The animation

Rogen

It is brash garish and horrible

The political statement it makes

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Predator Badlands: Baby’s First Predator Film

Summary

A new Predator arises.

There was so much about this film that felt promising but it was just ruined by a series of elements that just don’t fit the franchise.

Firstly it was nice to see more of their culture, and have their family/clan dynamics explored more. However, the way they interacted was far too human for my liking, it needed to feel more alien. Moreover, the final shot of the film that had the Predator’s mother show up was lame as hell and an awful way to end on.

Secondly, the combat was fun and well done for the most part. This was probably the most important part to get right, it was interesting to see how the Predator fights as in other films we don’t get to see it so much. However, this was offset by the comedic sidekick. Personally I like Elle Fanning, I think she is an interesting actress and I like seeing the project she picks, she has great range. Although it must be said neither of the character’s she played here worked. On the one hand you had the quirky, overly talkative, positive robot, which made jokes throughout the film and killed any tension, and on the other hand you had another synthetic that also looked like her that was the stern, no feelings, girlboss which they at least turned into a villain. Personally I don’t think comedy has any place in a Predator film.

The cute animal sidekicks also felt like very current day Disney, they use these creatures to try and lure in women who might be otherwise put off by the science fiction or the violence. Once again Predator as a franchise is heavily male leaning so it should not have done this as it contributed, along with the humour, to this not feeling like a Predator film.

Then you have the fact the film constantly makes the Predator weak and ineffective and tries to lessen him. This again feels very current day Disney, again in their culture they train to hunt from the moment of birth so some of the mistakes he makes are not only stupid but break the lore.

Overall, a deeply mixed film.

2.5/5

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Regretting You: A Forgettable Rom-Com

Summary

A pair of deaths exposes a decades kept secret and love finds a way through grief.

Honestly this film is watchable but it would be hard to say it was anything more.

Josh Boone really has just been making one kind of film for a while now, outside of The New Mutants, this is exactly what you would expect it to be.

The love story for the two adult leads, is horribly depressing, revolving around the idea of settling and being with someone you don’t want to be with for decades, and only being able to move on after death, as divorce is a sin [Sarcasm]. There are scenes in this film wherein the leads basically say they didn’t really want to be with who they were with originally and it makes you want to scream well then why did you stay?

As for the teen romance story, Mckenna Grace, plays quite a bratty character that acts for half the film like a small kid who is obsessed with her father and unable to read very obvious social cues, and then half the film like a boy crazed teenager who wants to get her leg over, as it were. It is a real mess of characterisation, built around the idea that basically everyone knows that the father and aunt, who die at the start of the film, but the mother forbids her almost adult age daughter from being told, for reasons, and that causes all the drama.

Overall, read this review of the film and save your money you already know everything that happens now.

2/5

Pros.

It is unintentionally funny

It is short

Cons.

It is predictable

It wastes Clancy Brown

It has a weird message

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Gabby’s Dollhouse The Movie

Summary

A girl and her dollhouse, go on an adventure.

So I have not watched the tv series this is based on, this was my first exposure to Gabby, and I have to say it was a strange experience.

On the one hand I liked the weirdness of the film, and some of the odd little one-liners or moments. I am also a big cat person so I enjoyed that aspect of it quite a bit. However, on the other hand I thought there was a surprisingly morose side to this film, the idea of Gabby growing up and how adulthood is presented as a world of depression and misery that is effectively unavoidable was striking and more than a little depressing.

Kristen Wigg here has some fun but it just seems like at actress in need of work, it feels at times like she is debasing herself for money, and there are times wherein you feel a little embarrassed for her.

The music, yes there are songs in this film, is pretty much exactly what you would expect chart soundalike slop, coupled with TikTok dances a few years out of date, this is bad cringe.

Overall, the blood of Dora runs in this film’s veins and I mean that as a compliment, the weirder aspects of the film are enjoyable but there is also bad cringe and depressing messaging to contend with.

3/5
Pros.

The weirdness

A few sweet moments

Well-paced

Cons.

It is depressing

There is bad cringe present

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To The Devil A Daughter: Nightmare Orgasms

Summary

Christopher Lee leads a satanic cult, intent on bringing a demon into the world.

At this stage I am cleaning up, these next few days will be the last of my Halloween watches before we get back into more regularly scheduled programming. As you know I am a big Lee fan, as such I couldn’t let Halloween pass without watching a Lee film. Here we are on that front.

I have to say this is not one of the strongest Hammer entries, I feel that The Devil Rides Out is much stronger, and gives Lee more to do. He is the antagonist here, and other than a few mind powers scenes that mimic his Rasputin film, he is not given much of substance to do, other than look evil.

The plot around this young lady from Germany and her parents involvement in a satanic cult, is not so much a head scratcher, as a film that leaves you entirely baffled it is so convoluted that you don’t know which way is up by the end of it, and have no idea what has remotely happened.

There is one scene that I would be remiss not to mention which is Hammer in all of their late seventies weirdness, and in this scene the central young lady is supposed to be having a bad dream yet is moaning like she is in the throws of sex, this scene lasts a long time. Take that as you will.

Overall, a good idea ruined by trying to do too much.

2/5

Pros.

There is some great unintentional comedy

Lee is a good villain even if he is given nothing to do

Cons.

It is convoluted

It has needless nudity and sexual elements that do seem to serve a purpose

The characters are not well developed

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Shelby Oaks: Chris Struckman Doesn’t Like Women It Appears

Summary

Youtube film critic Chris Struckman decides to become the filmmaker.

I have to report straight up that this film is problematic, the whole plot revolves around a woman’s quest to find her missing sister. When she does find said sister she finds out that she has been raped and has a demon baby now. Yet when our lead finds this out she immediately falls in love with the baby and wants to take her home, as I guess Chris thinks all women are just baby crazy. At the end of the film the captured sister tries to kill her baby as she knows it is demonic and evil, yet the lead stops her to the point of pushing her sister who she had been looking for all film out the window to protect the demon rape baby. As women aren’t lifting up other women they are just breeders and mothers who will do anything for their/or in this case their sister’s baby. The one thing I will say for this film positively is that it revealed to us all what a hypocrite Struckman is. He has attacked the right wing labelling them as bigots and evil for a long, long time, and now it appears it was all an effort in projection.

Outside of the deeply sexist undertone, the film is basically The Blair Witch, Hell House LLC and Paranormal Activity stitched together. It is clear that rather than being a creative project Struckman and co simply stitched together a lot of scenes they like from horror and called it a film. This is not a creative film this is plagiarism, this is not from the mind of someone who has an idea they want to make into a film, it is from the mind of someone who has seen a lot of films and wants to rip them off. The worst thing of all is that it doesn’t even manage to get right the things those films mentioned above do, it is the knock off version of a better project.

As other reviewers have said the film really falls apart when you get to the third act, as the writing, plot direction, integrity, all of it just seems to collapse in on itself.

Overall, a youtuber thinking they are a creative gets brought back down to Earth.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is unintentionally funny

Cons.

It is sexist

It is a rip off

You have seen it all before

The third act is a mess

The characters are one dimensional

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Star Wars A New Hope: A Slow Start

Summary

The Saga begins.

For me this is easily the worst of the Original Trilogy, and that is mainly due to the pacing of the film. It takes a long time to get going, when it does it picks up, but there is a lot of time before Luke, Mark Hamill, meets the Rebellion.

It is well done at setting up things to come and makes the universe feel really and lived in, you can see why it became so popular as the universe is crying out with stories to tell. However, it would and does later, benefit from being a bit more in depth, the characters we are meeting here are interesting but paper thin, if you think about any of the central trio, simply as this film presents them you will see they are not well rounded characters.

You do get some cool set pieces such as whenever Darth Vader is on screen but these are few and far between.

Overall, slow yet with promise.

2/5

Pros.

Some cool set pieces

It sets up an interesting world

Cons.

It is slow

The acting isn’t great

The characters are paper thin

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The Black Phone Two: Possibly Too Far

Summary

As some of you may know I recently move to Belgium for a work opportunity, and during my first few weeks here other than attending a film festival for smaller profile releases, I’ve not had a huge amount of time to check out new releases. This the first film I’ve watched since the move, and I must say maybe it was a bad choice.

Edit for further reference I am seeing this first but my review of Strangers Chapter Two which I will be seeing in a few days, my second film here, will be released earlier this is just down to my release order and wanting to tie up that loose end which came out for a lot of people much earlier than it did here.

This film is dark, the grainy sort of film quality they project onto some scenes makes them feel like snuff films, the fact that you are seeing little kids getting hacked into pieces only adds to this. It really doesn’t shy away from showing horrific child abuse and slaughter.

I liked that the film developed a lot of the ideas from the first film and really pushed into more of a supernatural direction. There was of course supernatural elements to the first film, but they were mostly in the background, this went full on Nightmare On Elm Street. Therein lies the problem, part of this film wants to be incredibly serious, Ethan Hawke’s character goes on long monologues about what hell is like, but then comes out ice skating and twirling, clearly going for the comedy. This film really needed to decide on one tone before filming began.

Overall, I enjoyed that this film built out elements from the first, but I think that the tone is distracting and that child mutilation may be a bit much for some.

2.5/5

Pros.

It expands the supernatural storyline

The acting is okay

The location is interesting

Cons.

It is depressing

The tone is all over the place

The acting is just okay

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Final Destination 5: Death VS Corporate America

Summary

Death decides to attack corporate America.

I enjoyed that this film tried to tie itself into the previous films, even if the idea it is a prequel makes little to no sense. I also thought it was sweet to see some of the highlights from across the franchise in the films end credits.

I would say that the plot was a little thin on the ground here, much like with the fourth film, however, at least they brought back Tony Todd as William Bloodsworth for a meaty role.

The deaths were good particularly the massage parlour crushing, however, I can see why they retired the franchise for a while after this, the deaths have lost some of their creepiness and creativity, and it does just seem like they were going for gross out shock value.

My main issue with the film was that there was too much talking and melodrama, the film seemed to be more focused on this than Death getting its vengeance at times.

I would argue that this is better than the fourth and sixth films in the franchise but worse than the original trilogy.

Overall, a mixed bag of a film.

3/5

Pros.

The ending

The love for past films

The massage parlour death

Cons.

Too much melodrama

A thin plot

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Jurassic Park: Overrated In The Extreme

Summary

The older I get the more I realise that Steven Spielberg is not a good director.

Removed from a childlike lens of whimsy I wanted to see how this film held up. If it was the masterpiece people seem to think it is, turns out they are wrong.

Whilst I appreciate what this film was doing, when it was doing it, and the lasting impact it has had. That does not change the fact it is just the same thing over and over again, dinosaur attacks, kills a person and moves on to the next, yes there are a few tense scenes where the dinosaurs are looking for people to kill but don’t find anyone, but that’s it. I think if this film had not been so visually impressive when it came out many people wouldn’t have bat an eye, it is just a generic shark film plot but with dinosaurs.

The plot is glacially slow in actually getting off the ground with the dinosaurs breaking out, and the film feels so bloated at times that it is distracting. One could argue what it would be like if it was not given to Spielberg at the height of his power and was instead given to someone who actually wanted to make a tight film.

Overall, disappointing and highlighting the very worst of Spielberg

1/5

Pros.

It is visually interesting

Cons.

It is badly paced

The acting isn’t very good

It is repetitive

It is bloated

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