Pinocchio: Chapek Is Spitting On The Disney Vault

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another unwanted live-action remake of a classic Disney movie.

As soon as this was announced I knew it was going to be bad, but boy howdy did I not realise just how bad it was going to be. Disney has been churning out these soulless remake for a while now and for some reason people are still watching them, maybe it is part of a masochistic new TikTok trend.

I think the worst thing about this film is that its CGI looks straight up horrible, it looks like something from several decades ago and is frequently distracting. I understand that Disney and their various studios are having a hard time with VFX talent, but come on these effects are nowhere near finished and it shows. This is probably why they dumped this on streaming because they know it wouldn’t fly in cinemas.

Moreover, this film reflects the continued downswing of Tom Hank’s career with his performance here being almost as bad as his one in Elvis earlier this year. It is not just Hanks as no one seems to be turning up for this film and it really shows, the cast just don’t care.

I won’t bother saying how this film never does anything to justify its existence as I find that to be self-explanatory.

Overall, if it is a Disney live action remake it is best avoided.

Pros.

It makes you appreciate the original film

Cons.

It has some of the worst effects of the year

The performances are awful

It feels rushed and unready for release

The pacing is noticeably bad in many parts of the film

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Beast: Man Vs Nature

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Idris Elba fights a lion.

So the survival thriller subgenre or more aptly for this the man vs beast category of the survival thriller subgenre is like I often say overstuffed. I feel like somewhere with the annuls of the films featuring in this area there must have been a man vs lion film before, however, if there was I can’t remember it or haven’t seen it as such this was a fairly new gimmick to me.

The plot is rather uninspired and very predictable, the lion terrorises the family and kills a dear family friend, played by the ever excellent Sharlto Copley, and then finally the father kills it in a hectic showdown. So much so cliched. However, despite all of this the film still feels compelling there is still enough about it to get you to care for the characters and want to see them make it out the otherside.

I thought both Idris Elba and Sharlto Copley brought a lot to the film, and both of their characters were both complex and surprisingly nuanced, whereas the kids were both incredibly whiny and irritating. I won’t spend much time ragging on child actors as they are low hanging fruit, but suffice it to say that the two we meet here are not very talented.

Overall, despite being quite generic there is more than enough to keep you entertained here.

Pros.

It is compelling

It felt fresh to me, but if you have seen other man vs lion films then it might be less so to you

Elba

Copley

Cons.

The child actors are really bad and quite distracting

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How Dark They Prey: Tales Of Terror

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A series of horror anthology tales ranging from the occult to aliens.

I thought each of this films horror stories worked well and most if not all did leave me suitably creeped out and unsettled. However, for me the issue came when thinking about how did these stories work together in terms of a wider piece. I thought each worked well on their own but then jarred and clashed against each other as an anthology project. It may have been better to take one of the plots and lengthen it out.

In terms of the performances all of the performers across the board were good, so much so that it would be hard to pick who was a standout. Somewhat unrelatedly, but I thought one of the major feathers in this film’s cap was its ability to create chilling visuals that stayed with you. There were a number of scenes spread over the stories that really left a visual mark on me, that I can see in my minds eye when I think back to it. In some senses the casts performances helped to shape and form these visuals and these moments which is something that I can’t heap enough credit onto them for.

Overall, four good horror stories, but they don’t come together well.

Pros.

It is scary

The visuals

The performances

You can’t stop thinking about it afterwards

Cons.

The stories don’t flow into each other very well

The pacing

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Fall: Life Lessons For Trying Times

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two young free climbers, played by Grace Caroline Curry and Virginia Gardner, decide to get back into it after suffering a loss that has effected them both. During this attempt the two young women find themselves trapped at the top of an abandoned tower in the middle of nowhere with no way down.

I have seen and reviewed a lot of these sort of films, the survival thriller genre seems to have a new film out every week and for the most part they are all bad. However, this one really struck a chord with me and impressed me, whether it was the fact I have a fear of heights so I felt the threat a lot more or whether it was something I hadn’t seen readily before this film certainly kept me engaged.

The performances are a mixed bag, Curry is a fairly weak lead outperformed by both Gardner and also Jeffery Dean Morgan who plays her dad and has a collective 5 minutes of screentime in the whole picture. I think the film would have been better if Gardner had the top billing and Curry was the co-star.

My two main small issues with this film were the frankly shockingly bad CGI during the first tragic climb and also the twist towards the end of the film that one of the girls had actually been dead for some time as I thought it felt lazy and done for shock value. However, in my mind both of these things are fairly minor and don’t really stop you enjoying the film.

Overall, an interesting and genuinely distressing survival film.

Pros.

The threat

The tension

The cinematography

Gardner and Morgan

Cons.

The CGI is a little patchy in places

The twist didn’t work for me

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Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael: Safety On The Shore

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A teenage goth outsider, played by Winona Ryder, finds comfort in a boat.

I can see what this film was trying to do, but it really just didn’t come together well. The two crisscrossing storylines of Ryder’s character being abandoned as a child and then her high school isolation happening side by side with the narrative flirting with the idea of unreliable narration and time could have led to great contrast, but as it turns out it doesn’t actually lead to a satisfying pay off. I would say that is the main issue with this film that it seems to think that it is far deeper than it actually is.

I think without Ryder the film would be a lot worse, as it is Ryder manages to pull the film together with enough dark energy to keep you watching until the end. You really do believe the pain that her character is clearly going through and do also feel a lot of sympathy towards her, her character is quite well constructed and layered too which is nice.

The pace of the film is a little off and I would say it could lose about 20 minutes and be a tighter and better film.

Overall, fine but with a fair number of issues holding it back.

Pros.

Ryder

It tries to do something fresh

It is watchable

Cons.

The pace

It thinks it is deeper than it actually is

The ending is quite anticlimactic

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Three Thousand Years Of Longing: Idris Elba Topless For Almost Two Hours

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A woman, played by Tilda Swinton, meets a djinn, played by Idris Elba, and the experience changes her life.

I think the trailers for this film are misleading, they make it seem whimsical and fun when in actual fact there is a quite a sad and melancholic tone that runs throughout the film. In that vein you are never quite sure whether anything that is happening actually is or whether it is actually Swinton’s character slipping into mental illness as such there is a quite an unsettling aspect to proceedings. It will be one of those instances where how you choose to see the film will determine what you take from it, but for me the lead’s mental illness was clear and that took away a lot of the joy for me of this film and actually made it quite sad and depressing.

Moreover, though usually Tilda Swinton is a gifted performer her performance her leaves something to be desired. This is main due to the fact that the Northern accent she is trying to do is quite frankly awful, Swinton is laying it on far too thick and as someone from that neck of the woods I can say with confidence that it is laughably bad.

The only reason that this film got a point from me is because some of its more absurdist comedic leanings made me laugh, believe me this is not a funny film by any means but there were one or two laughs that worked for me.

Overall, not an enjoyable time at the cinema.

Pros.

A few laughs to be had

Cons.

It is depressing

It is unsettling

Swinton’s accent is awful

It is badly paced

Clogwyn: Don’t Throw Your Dreams Away

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A man’s dream of starting a business in the UK are derailed after he becomes addicted to gambling.

I want to open this review by saying how powerful and important I think this short is. In our current world there are adverts for gambling everywhere, often with minimal government regulation, as such big gambling firms are in a prime position to make a killing from people without facing any real consequences as they ruin people’s lives and that is scary.

I think the plot of this film is a plight that many people will be able to relate to in one way or another, this isn’t superhumans battling it out in the streets or a war for an alien world it is something that has effected most people, most people have either been effected by gambling addiction or know someone who has and that’s why this film is so compelling.

My only negative in regard to this film would be that it could have been more in-depth. It shows most aspects to serious gambling addictions, but it could have shown more of the warning signs and highlighted further just how destructive it can be.

Overall, a powerful and moving short.

Pros.

The impact

It really hits home

It is very relatable

It is powerful and moving

You really feel for the characters

Cons.

It could have been a bit longer and more in-depth

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Orphan First Kill: Grey And Lifeless

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ester’s origins are explored with the help of a simply awful lighting and colour gradient combo.

Really this film shouldn’t have been made. They add in some new twists and turns here, but for the most part it can’t hope to compete with the twist from the first film that Ester, played by Isabelle Fuhrman, who everyone thought was a child was in fact a grown adult. Once you know that twist a lot of the places this prequel goes to are not very exciting.

Moreover, as I said in the above summary there is some really quite poor lighting and colouring choices in this film that makes vast parts of it hard to see or tell what is going on, furthermore this is only worsen by a grey hue that seems to stick to the film throughout giving it a dull and lifeless air.

However, it is not all terrible as the film for the most part is very watchable. In addition a surprisingly out of left field evil turn from Jessica Stiles makes for captivating watching, the film would be a lot wore without Stiles in it that’s for sure.

Overall, a very average film that didn’t really need to be made.

Pros.

Stiles

It is watchable

The ending

Cons.

Once you know the twist from the first film it takes a lot away from this prequel

The lighting and colour work is awful

The pace is aggressively bad

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Easter Sunday: Tame and Bland

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A struggling single father, played by Jo Koy, heads home to spend Easter Sunday with his dysfunctional family.

When I saw the trailer for this film I was happy as I thought it could begin to fill the hole of Filipino representation within the industry, and while yes it is nice to see this group more widely represented it is just a shame that the film that is doing this important task is actually quite naff.

Before this film I had not really seen Koy’s stand-up before, so was unfamiliar with what to expect; I am more of a Marc Maron type personally. What I found watching was that Koy wasn’t very funny, I don’t know if I just don’t gel with his comedic stylings or whether the material for the film was bad, but what I do know is that whilst watching it I didn’t laugh more than once or twice in the film’s whole runtime.

In many respects this film reminded me of the cinematic comedic vehicles that the likes of Chris Tucker, Eddie Murphy and Mike Myers used to get, however, I would say the big difference here is that Koy semes to find it hard to keep the film going. I would argue and perhaps I am wrong, as like I said before I was unfamiliar with him before this, that he may not be a strong enough comedian to anchor a film like this.

Overall, watchable, but not very funny.

Pros.

It is watchable

One or two funny jokes

Cons.

Most of the jokes don’t land

It is badly paced

Koy doesn’t seem a strong enough comedian to anchor this film

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Me Time: Hart Brings The Heart

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Kevin Hart is an untight family man you needs to learn to cut lose, enter his old friend Huck, played by Mark Wahlberg.

On this the face of it this is an incredibly by the numbers comedy film, in almost everyway you have seen this before, Mark Wahlberg himself has made this exact same film before in fact. However, no one ever said a comedy film had to be the height of originality, the real question is, is it funny?

In terms of humour the film is more hit than miss, there are a number of memorable gags but for the most part its fairly weak stuff. For those of you out there who might be hoping for some raunchy material the film is far more family friendly than I was expecting it to be.

I think the best thing about this film and its biggest selling point is Kevin Hart. Hart is doing very well in this family comedy circuit where he plays a dorky family man looking to break loose, I think Hart brings a real sense of heart and soul to these roles that makes it hard not to root for him, with a different actor in the lead this film would be a lot worse for sure.

Overall, nothing revolutionary but watchable with a boost from Hart

Pros.

Hart

It is watchable

It has some wholesome charm

Cons.

Fairly low energy Wahlberg

It is nothing you haven’t seen before

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