Bones And All: Everything Wrong With Modern Cinema, A YA Film That Thinks Its High Art

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young cannibalistic couple travel the US together.

Please if you will listen to just one piece of advice from a stranger on the internet today let it be this, don’t watch this film. It is just a horrible time at the cinema as it imparts the message that life is just terrible and the only way out is by your own hand as everyone you love will disappoint you and those who don’t will be taken away. There is so much darkness in this film that there is just no need for it to exist, the world is already a dark place.

Moreover, the narrative is very smug and self-indulgent thinking itself to be high art when in actual fact it is more closely resembling angst ridden YA fare, this is certainly reflected in the paper thin central romance that feels like it was written by an emo on Tumblr. Worse yet the narrative is self-defeating as the central idea of the film is Maren, played by Taylor Russell, needs to find her place in the world, yet when she finally does at the end of the film it is then taken away and she has to do it all over again showing that there was no point to the whole film.

The film also greatly fetishizes the cannibalism and has it be akin to sex at times, which feels uncomfortable from the off and never really goes away. Speaking of the film has a sex scene between Timothee Chalamet’s Lee and another man and never really addresses it or speaks about it or allows Russell’s Maren to respond to it, it is a very odd inclusion which makes the central romance narrative seem off.

Finally, if this film is seen to be an indicator for upcoming acting talent then I might just hang up my reviewing now and bid farewell to cinema for good as both of the central performances are just awful. Taylor cannot emote for one single second and other than looking shocked once or twice has the same glazed over expression for the whole film and Chalamet plays a cliched wrapped up in an emo phase. When will the internet learn that Chalamet will never be a movie star like those of old because deep down everyone knows he can’t act and that once his legion of lust fans dry up so will his acting roles.

Overall, possibly the worst film of the year.

Pros.

None

Cons.

The film is manically depressing and an unpleasant watch from the outset

It has awful paced and is on for far longer than it needs to be

It is smug and seems to think of itself as high art when in actually it is a bad YA film

The acting is awful all round

It fetishizes cannibalism

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Triangle Of Sadness: Society Is Constantly Breaking Down Around Us

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A luxury cruise quickly devolves into a battle for survival as traditional power structures break down in spectacular style.

I had heard good things going into this and for the most part it didn’t let me down. To get into the things I didn’t like about it first, as they are a lot less, I thought the pacing was pretty brutal and that the film had no business being on for as long as it is, though it does allow for quite a few fun scenes it feels overly indulgent.

That said I enjoyed the commentary of the film on society and gender and found something inherently hilarious about the Captain, played by Woody Harrelson, and Dimitry, played by Zlatko Burić, discussing philosophies as the ship was sinking around them, or the nice well-made food served on the ship making everyone sick. I thought this film very much had something to say and that it said it well.

The performances across the board were strong, with everyone having a moment to shine even those that were used sparingly had their due.

Overall, a darkly funny film that cuts quite deeply.

Pros.

The commentary

The humour

The ending

The performances, especially Harrelson

Cons.

The pace and the overly indulgent runtime

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The Royal Nanny: Maybe Megan Markle Was An Intelligence Officer Before Becoming A Royal

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After detecting a threat to the monarchy the British secret service send in Claire, played by Rachel Skarsten, to act as their agent on the inside and of course whilst there she ends up falling in love with a prince, played by Dan Jeannotte.

I enjoyed this for the most part, it wasn’t the best film I have seen all year or even all week for that matter but it was dumb escapist fun and that should count for something. I liked the nonsensical plot that despite that had a very clear ending from the beginning, and I liked that the film didn’t take itself too seriously.

I thought Skarsten was a good lead and was charming enough to carry the film and to pull off the love story. However, the rest of the cast struggled deeply and were either fairly bland in terms of their performance or were so bad at doing the type of English accent they were trying for that it was distracting. Something that wider audience might not have noticed or picked up on but something that a Brit could notice keenly.

Overall, a fun if at times wonky film.

Pros.

Skarsten

The silly plot

The romance is easy to warm to

Cons.

The accents

It is very predictable

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Spirited: Dickens Meets Dance

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A modern take on A Christmas Carol with songs and Deadpool.

There are times when this film is painfully cringe, mainly during the songs, but for the most part I enjoyed this updated take on the Dickensian world and think that it is rife for future expansion. Within the classic tale the ghosts were always the most interesting part, and this film knows that and so decides to explore them and their world more thoroughly, which is a smart move.

The songs are easily the worst part of the film and often don’t work. Some of them do land, but not enough of them. The ones that are bad either feel like knock-offs from other musicals or they feel like far too try hardy. The film even makes a joke of calling out the songs, having a whole character whose whole bit is to say really do we need more songs, but as many of you who have followed my writings for a while will know, just because you call out your own bad writing, or in this case bad songs, it doesn’t suddenly make them good.

I think both Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynold do a good job here and their friendship is quite genuinely believable, I would have liked more scenes of the two of them talking and getting to know each other and their worlds rather than all of the singing but hey that’s me.

Overall, a fun Christmas film let down by some bad songs.

Pros.

Reynolds

Ferrell

It is a lot of fun

There are some funny moments

Cons.

The songs aren’t very good

Pacing issues

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Street Smart: Save Our Souls

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After turning 18 Brooke, played by Chrystal Rothery, is forced onto the street therein enduring the horrors of homelessness.

This film really hit a nerve with me, too often we think when we see homeless people on the street that they have ended up there because of drink or drugs but far too often the real cause is bad circumstance and no societal safety net to help them when they needed it. This film explores these issues and notions around our perception of the homeless and does so in a really clever way that forces you to readdress your own beliefs.

Moreover, the message of the film, as I took it at least, that something needs to be done about the ever rising number of homeless people on our streets in that they need to be better treated, and have more means to save themselves and that as a society we have failed them is incredibly powerful and poignant.

The central performances are also both very good and encapsulate this idea of struggle to a tee.

Overall, a very worthwhile film.

Pros.

The characters

The message

The questions it raises and the statements it makes

The ending

Cons.

A bit of a slow start

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Slumberland: Hanging Out With A Pet Pig

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After losing her dad, played by Kyle Chandler, Nemo, played by Marko Barkley, ventures into a world of dreams and nightmares in order to see him one last time.

I think the strengths of this film lie on the shoulders of Jason Mamoa and Chris O’Dowd, Mamoa for his effortlessly charming nature and surprisingly endearing turn and O’Dowd for just how much human realness he brings to his role as a guy suddenly forced into being a father. Of the two I would probably give it to O’Dowd as I think a few of his scenes where he is opening up emotionally with Nemo are quite powerful, as is the ending when he is racing to save her.

In terms of wider fantasy, the film has a few interesting set pieces but is mostly by the numbers. There is nothing that you won’t have seen done before especially if you are a fan of the genre. However, I did appreciate the gothic sense of style this film has which is almost certainly a by product of its source material, there is something very ancient and other worldly about this film, especially as it rarely features smart phones.

Overall, a surprisingly good Netflix film with some strong performances

O’Dowd

Mamoa

The heart

The gothic sensibilities

Cons.

It is nothing new

The CGI is a little patchy in places

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The People We Hate At Weddings: Families Are Messy

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A woman, played by Cynthia Addai-Robinson, invites her estranged family to her wedding. Things very predictably go badly.

I’ll be the first to say this is not the most original film out there, in fact there are a countless number of other films that have a very similar premise and message, however, despite that I still ended up enjoying my time with this film.

The main reason I felt this way was because of the great deal of heart the film can bring to the table when it wants to, moreover each of the central trio of characters and Addai-Robinson’s character are all very easy to relate to and like, they reflect the messy elements of your own personality or that of someone you know. In many senses this film is warm and affordable because it reminds us of the inherent good in the world and how a chance run in with a stranger on a plane might change your whole life, it reminds you of the bonds of family and how though we are all imperfect we need to be there for those we care about and take them as they are. Honestly, in these dark times the optimistic outlook of this film was enough to boost this film up in my opinion.

Bell, Platt, Janney and Addai-Robinson were all great, though I would say the scene stealer and breakout star of the film was Dustin Milligan as he really was a great romantic interest that really seized on the opportunity and potential of his character.

Overall, though it is nothing new in any sense, it was nice and comforting and sometimes that is enough.

Pros.

Bell

Janney, Platt and Addai-Robinson

The warmth

The message of messy families

Cons.

It is quite played out

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Disenchanted: It Is So Much Fun Being Badder

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Giselle, played by Amy Adams, makes her long awaited return.

I thought this film lacked a lot of the same heart the first film had, that is not to say this film is soulless but rather it feels more cynical than the first did. Obviously this film was made to tap into the nostalgia market, because legacy sequels are all the rage right now, and for the most part in that regard it just left me cold. It couldn’t evoke a lot of the same emotions as the first film and often I found it to be nothing more than just fine.

Adams is still trying and that is nice to see, other actors might have just phoned it in and spent Disney’s check. Her and James Marsden, for the few minutes he features, are the two stand outs of the cast for me. I liked that this time around they let Adam’s Giselle explore her evil side, and become a wicked step-mother I think it gave a greater sense of genre parody and also gave Adams more to do acting wise.

Overall, watchable and slightly above average for Disney + fare, but nothing great.

Pros.

It is watchable

Watching Giselle break bad

Adams

Cons.

Pacing issues

It never justifies its existence

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Christmas On Mistletoe Farm: You Deserve Better Than This

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A businessman, played by Scott Garnham, must take over the reigns of his father’s farm. Hijinks ensue.

I must say I have seen a lot of terrible Christmas films in my time but this has to be one of the worst I have ever seen, why Netflix ever decided to greenlight this is beyond me.

This film proves fairly conclusively that Debbie Isitt is a hack, or at best a one trick pony. She uses the exact same formula she did on Nativity, a no nonsense lead that needs to learn to cut loose, a stupid and loud sidekick that acts more like a child than a grown man and a large grouping of children who struggle to act. Whilst this worked for the first Nativity and just about managed to for the second, thanks in large part to David Tennant, here it just feels incredibly obvious and lazy, clearly she doesn’t have enough imagination to come up with a different premise and can only move the location of her tale around to pretend to be different.

Moreover, this film is a slog to get through. The pace of this film is awful, not only does it approach two hours, despite having no business to, it also meanders along at such a mind numbing pace that you question whether this is some new form of incredibly insidious torture designed to drive you mad. Nothing much happens across the whole of the film, because once again to be exciting and to have things happen would take imagination and writing ability that clearly the team behind this don’t have.

Overall, offensively slow and uninteresting

Pros.

It would be a good film to put on as you are falling to sleep for some background noise

Cons.

It is borderline unwatchable

It is a slog to get through and feels like a trail fit for the Ancient world

It is the same situations and characters as in Nativity only worse

There is very little at all to like about it

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Christmas In Toyland: What’s In The Dust?

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A data analyst, played by Vanessa Lengies, who dreams of being a toy maker is sent in to investigate why a certain branch of the company she works for is so successful.

This was a slightly above average Christmas rom-com, and within the arena of trash Christmas rom-coms that is high praise indeed. I think the thing that raises this film above average for me is the central romance which does feel warm and genuine and because of that is easy to care about.

In addition I thought there were quite a few funny moments in this film, both intentionally and unintentionally and this made watching it far more enjoyable. There were of course a lot of cliches and well worn tropes in the film and it does seem afraid to do anything new, but that is to be expected with this sort of film.

Overall, this film is an enjoyable enough Christmas rom-com that does bring the feels and hosts a relationship you will end up caring about.

Pros.

The chemistry

Funny moments

It is short

Cons.

It does drag in a few places

It is nothing new, it uses a lot of cliches.

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