Splinter: The Darkness Stares Back At You

Summary

After the death of his wife and son John, played by Bill Fellows, sinks into himself. Whilst gazing into the abyss he begins to feel as though someone or something is watching him.

I thought this film was a smart psychological thriller, it played with you in all the right ways whenever you started to feel like you knew what was going on it then veered in a completely different direction and kept you guessing. The way the film approaches ideas of grief and mourning are also really well formulated and written as it brings a sense of grey tinged moral nuance to things and reflects deeply on a shared sense of emotion that most people can on some level relate to.

In terms of the scares/ thriller aspects of the film I thought they landed really well. Like a lot of good horror films Splinter is very focused on building and establishing an atmosphere, that feels just the right amount of oppressive, throughout the film and doesn’t waste its time stuffing in tons of jump scares.

The performances across the board were strong with Fellows being the obvious standout as the haunted man, the man out of touch with time and reality, the man lost in his grief. Fellows gave a very believable emotional performance that really powered the film forward.

Overall, a good film with an intriguing premise, definitely one to watch.

4/5

Pros.

The themes and message of the film

How it plays with grief

Fellows

The ending

Cons.

The pacing dropped a little bit in the mid-second and it started to lose me a bit

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Pinocchio: More Disturbing Then It Had Any Right To Be

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The classic tale of Pinocchio, voiced by Gregory Mann, but now with added nightmarish creatures and fascist leaders.

Well this film achieved the impossible, it managed to make the Disney take on Pinocchio, animated not the trash live action, look tame by comparison. That is no small feat considering the fact that the animated Disney film has it fair share of deeply unsettling moments, but this film pips it by having some truly quite disturbing moments. Whether it is Pinocchio’s frequent deaths wherein he goes to an underworld like land and has conversations with frightening looking creatures, in most cases voiced by Tilda Swinton, or in the design of Pinocchio himself that never quite lets you settle down. In all honesty I found Pinocchio himself and the way he looked and acted to be the most scary thing about the film.

Writing this review for you now I can’t honestly say whether I enjoyed watching this film, it was certainly an experience viewing it though I don’t think wholly pleasant. Instead of giving it slap bang in the middle marks I have given it an above average score as whilst a lot of things in the film didn’t work for me or I found a little jarring, I like how far Del Toro pushed the concept and the risk he took with it, the Mussolini stuff he did was really quite daring and funny and fit the film in a way I wouldn’t have expected it to.

The ending will also be a source of contention for many as it is not by any account a happy ending, if anything it is fairly melancholic, it reminded me of the stylings of Tim Burton if that is any indication for you, but hey Ewan McGregor does a great job as the cricket and mostly keeps things light.

Overall, I can’t say I enjoyed the film but it is bold and some of it works really well.

3/5

Pros.

A risky and more adult approach

The setting and time period

McGregor

Cons.

It is incredibly sad

Pinocchio himself is hard to warm towards because he looks unsettling

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Avatar The Way Of The Water: Nothing Short Of Torture

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

We return to Pandora for far too long and see the testament of one man’s ego.

I am calling this now Avatar 2 won’t make anywhere near the same amount of box office as the first film, mainly because this is infinitely worse as a film. It never needed to exist and that comes through in technicolour here. It is the sort of film that will be talked about on release weekend and then immediately forgotten about next week.

The film is on for way too long, and spends far too long exploring the world and spending a tedious amount of time with the new kids, all of whom have as much personality as a plastic bag, honestly the second act wherein nothing happens at all is basically torturous and the sort of thing I imagine even Guantanamo would say is cruel and unusual.

They bring back Stephen Lang’s character from the first film, for reasons, and normally I am a big fan of Lang but here he is given nothing to do. He has a very basic alpha male rivalry with Sam Worthington’s character, and a new son to contend with. Again the relationships and inter character drama is nothing new and show that as a writer James Cameron is way past his heyday even with other writers helping to boost things up.

The only people who are praising this film are people who are impressed by it from a technical approach, and in this regard I think this film is nothing much to be impressed by. The CGI looks about as good as some recent videogame cutscenes, and the use of 3D reminds you how glad you are that that gimmick died off last decade.

Finally the environmental message is just as ham-fisted as it was last time around.

Overall, a testament to why creatives can’t be given unlimited creative control. Let’s hope the 3^rd film is the last.

1/5

Pros.

The water effects are pretty neat

Cons.

It doesn’t need to exist

It is way too long

The story is terrible

They waste Stephen Lang

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Arthur Christmas: Getting The Same Present You Have Had For Christmas Over And Over Again

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Arthur Claus, voiced by James McAvoy, the bumbling but well-meaning son of Santa Claus, played by Jim Broadbent, embarks on his own personal Christmas mission when he realises that a Child has had their gift left behind.

I have heard a lot of people sing the praises of this film, but personally after watching it for the first time this Christmas season I just don’t see what is so good about it.

To be blunt with you there was nothing here that hasn’t been done better before in other animated movies, from lessons about self-reliance to not judging a book by its cover to family relations all of these themes that the film tries to explore have been done better elsewhere. Adding to this the plot mostly feels cliched and entirely predictable, you know from the off how it is going to go and how it will end and whilst for some watching this that narrative safety might be an endearing feature of the film, for me I felt it was boring.

To further build out the list of problems facing this film, the characters have no charm to them at all, and this is in part because of the writing but also because of the incredibly timid voice work done across the board. Both Sony Animation and Aardman have put out better characters that are far more charming than these dozens of times in the past, so who knows why they think this would fly here.

Overall, a watchable film and one that is good to use to mindlessly distract kids in the run up to or even on Christmas day but not one that has any merit beyond that.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It would entertain little kids and would make a good distraction for them if any parent is looking to have some time to themselves during the Holidays

Cons.

It is boring

It is uninspired

The voice cast are only in it for the pay checks

I’ve seen all of its ideas and situations before

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Violent Night: A Father Christmas You Can Relate Too

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After having lost his Christmas spirit Father Christmas, played by David Harbour, becomes caught up in a home invasion and must fight to save Christmas.

I thought this film was damn near excellent. My one complaint would be that we have seen the grizzled veteran who doesn’t want to fight anymore, who doesn’t know where they stand in the world anymore, or even whether they want to carry on any more character trope so, so many times before that it feels a little repetitive. Also having a child restoring this person’s faith in either themselves or the world only adds to the cliché.

That aside this film is just what I wanted it to be, a silly gory good time. I think the tone manages to perfectly capture both the seriousness and the humour of the situation, dark things do happen but it is all taken in good humour. The film is actually quite surprisingly funny with a lot of good commentary and strong one liners that will have you laughing not just as you watch the film but also when you remember them later on your way home.

However, I think the main strength of this film is David Harbour. As I said not long after watching the film on Twitter, if you cast anyone else in the role of Santa Claus this film would be infinitely worse. Harbour pulls off not just the physicality for the fight scenes but also the likeability to make you want him to beat the home invaders and be reunited with his wife at the end of the film.

Overall, a lot of fun and David Harbour really shines.

4.5/5

Pros.

Harbour

The gore

The silliness

The message

You genuinely end up caring about Santa and Mrs Claus

Cons.

The characters are cliches

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Scrooge A Christmas Carol: The Very Worst Seasonal Musical

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A musical take on A Christmas Carol, but without the talent or the charm needed to pull that off.

Netflix has had quite a good track record of bringing out really good animated Christmas films they’ve had Klaus and Robin Robin, both of those films have become instant classics that I want to watch every year, however, this film really missed the mark for me and left me cold.

The main problem with this film is that it did nothing new with the story, sure it added a few extra lines here and there and reworded some stuff to make it more modern but if you compare this film to Apple’s Spirited where there is drastically different new elements to the classic tale, this is just more of the same but with a few bad new lines and even worse songs.

Don’t even get me started on the songs, they range from irritating to truly tuneless and awful and it leaves you questioning if the musical numbers are this bad why didn’t they decide to just have it be a normal non-musical film and scrap them in post?

The voice acting cast should have been able to bring the film together despite all of its various problems there is a lot of talent involved, such as Jessie Buckley, Olivia Coleman and Luke Evans, however, not a one of them turn up and for the most part it just feels like they are there for the paycheck and nothing else.

Overall, A disappointing waste.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is unintentionally funny

It is relatively short

Cons.

It is a worse version of a classic

The few new changes make it inferior

The songs are awful

The voice actors clearly don’t care

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Christmas Bloody Christmas: A New Christmas Classic Is Born

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A military grade robotic Santa Claus goes on a rampage.

I am very much a fan of the rising talent that is Joe Begos, VFW was fantastic and Bliss I was less keen on but there was still a lot of talent there, but this I think might be his best film yet. There is something so undeniably fun about this film, yes the premise is a little like Terminator minus the science fiction stuff, but that doesn’t take away the gory spectacle we are treated to.

In addition the early part of the film before the slashing even really begins is incredibly strong and that speaks to the strength of both the writing and the characters created. Riley Dandy is fantastic as the lead and is instantly likeable, her and Sam Delich also have great chemistry together and play off each other really well. I ended up caring so much about them as a couple that I was actually sad when his character died and they were parted from each other. The film does all of that emotional work before the first act is even over, that is no mean feat.

I really do hope that Begos and Co bring this back for a sequel with a juiced up robo Santa Claus now even angrier, and have Dandy back as the Ripley of this burgeoning franchise. I think this will probably be a new Christmas classic for me and something that I come back to every year.

Overall, a great film, watch it.

4.5/5

Pros.

Dandy

The gore

The threat

The mania of the final showdown

The commentary, comedy and good back and forth at the start of the film

Cons.

Robbie’s death still makes me sad now when I think about it.

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Eight Crazy Nights: Adam Sandler’s Actual Worst Film Ever

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Adam Sandler makes an adult animated film about Hanukkah and it turns out worse than even his biggest critics would expect.

This film is such a horrible stinker that in its relatively short runtime of 76 minutes I had to turn it off multiple times and take breaks from it just to be able to finish it. Honestly there is nothing funny about this film at all, which makes it highly problematic as a supposed comedy film.

I think the biggest reason why this is so awful is because of just how mean spirited the whole thing is. Obviously at the outset of the film Sandler’s character is supposed to be a jerk, he has written and sings a whole song about how much he hates the holidays and other people, but then the follow through would be that as the film gets further along he will be more and more redeemed yet that doesn’t happen here. Not by a long shot.

On top of that I don’t find anything funny about a grown man making fun of an overweight child or a kindly old man, or any number of other seemingly innocent figures around town that Sandler’s character mocks for being different to him. I want to clarify that I am no shrinking violet, I am not the sort that if they see something problematic in a film would immediately turn it off, but I think there is a clear line in the sand for everyone individually between good and bad taste and I think in my own personal definition of that this film’s jokes are firmly placed in cruel, needless and thoroughly in bad taste.

Overall, a horrible film that Adam Sandler should be ashamed of.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It is unpleasant

The whole thing is in bad taste

Sandler is hateable here

There is no character redemption

It may be one of the worst films Sandler has ever made

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Lady Chatterley’s Lover: Netflix Throws Another Book On The Bonfire

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another classic work of British literature is given the Netflix treatment and soiled.

Netflix and for that matter most non-British production studios just can’t ever seem to get right the very British sentiment behind these books, be it this or the works of Jane Austen, the themes and ideas that in many senses are timeless. So what do they do instead? They do what all hacks do they modernise, they take something timeless and they date it in the current year, they make yet another Bridgeton which some people like sure but that is also a million miles away from the spirit of the text.

The central romance, if you can call it that, is incredibly stunted and at times just plain awkward, it is fairly clear neither of the leads have any chemistry with the other, or even seem to like each other, and all of the forced romance scenes comes across as incredibly cold, emotionless and a little silly. I would say of the two Emma Corin has the far worse showing, with this and My Policeman really starting to make me question how they were ever able to get into acting in the first place as they clearly lack talent. A rich parent is probably the answer.

Overall, Netflix needs to realise that they can only push their Bridgeton esque pap so far.

1/5

Pros.

I’m struggling

Cons.

It doesn’t understand the spirit of the text at all

The romance is awkward and cringe

The leads have no chemistry

It is boring and a slog to watch

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On The Line: This Is What Killed The Radio Star

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A radio host, played by Mel Gibson, has his family held hostage live on air.

Man this film is hard to get through. Mel Gibson love him or hate him, is absolutely unbearable here and has one of his worst and hardest to like characters ever, honestly it feels so much like the cliched old man complaining about kids today that at times I had to check and see whether the film was a parody of something. This characters is awful to everyone around them and then we are supposed to care when his family get taken hostage and want him to save them, no honestly I just felt nothing.

Then as the film progresses we get the twist, and boy is the twist going to annoy you. Everything that has happened up until that point in the end of the second act has just been one big prank, surprise. This is terrible because it feels in line with one of those dumb it was all a dream plots and makes you feel like you have wasted your time which is the worst part for sure.

In terms of Gibson’s performance there is a question to be asked here about less being better. Gibson makes so many of these straight to DVD films or straight to streaming that he doesn’t turn up and not only that but he feels angry to be there and that comes through in his performance, not in a good way.

Overall, if this is the sort of trash Gibson is putting out these days then his career as a movie icon is well and truly dead.

Pros.

It is unintentionally hilarious at times

Cons.

The twist is awful

Gibson is loathsome

Gibson doesn’t bother to give a performance here he is just there reading lines

It is too long

It doesn’t respect the audience even a tiny bit

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