Five Nights At Freddy’s Two: Blumhouse Actually Managed To Make A Horror Film

Blumhouse actually managed to make a horror film.

I thought the first Five Nights At Freddy’s was bad, this one I find almost good, they really managed to turn it around.

They managed to fix the tone issues of the first film and have it be actually scary throughout no building forts to happy music. The horror is very by the numbers, there are one or two effective jump scares, but it is more of what you would expect. The marionette was a cool addition and had the right aesthetic.

The story itself I found interesting, I am glad we weren’t returning too much to the first location, however, there is a number of contrivances throughout the film which set up the ending. So at the end of the first film Mike and Vanessa were basically a couple, yet here they walk that back and have this whole weird arc of Mike being angry at her and saying he can’t trust her, now this happens so she can get possessed at the end of the film and become the baddie for the next one, but makes no sense. The fact the writers need to break the logical throughline of their relationship just so they could set up a cliff hanger ending speaks to how bad the writing team is here.

Overall, the film is a step up from the first film, but the writing is still a fundamental issue.

3/5

Pros

It is more horror focused

It is engaging

It has one good jump scare

Cons.

The ending

The writing

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Diary Of A Wimpy Kid The Last Straw: Forced Conflict From A Writer Out Of Ideas

Summary

Greg and his family are back and this time he has daddy issues for no particular reason.

So I thought I was done with the horrible animated Disney + Diary of a Wimpy Kid films and yet here I am.

This time after embarrassing his dad at church, Greg is going to get sent to a military school unless he gets his act together. Cue a series of schemes to try and appear like he’s doing good at school which all go wrong, who could have seen that coming. This whole conflict is weird for three key reasons, one this conflict between Greg and his dad hasn’t been there before, the fact they have the author of the books writing these films and he just forgot that little detail is shocking, secondly is the fact that it is pretty clear to see Greg is accident prone not bad which makes the dad look unfair, thirdly Rodrick is actually bad and he just lets him get away with it. As such you end the film thinking that the dad is an insecure man child, who wants to punish his son for his own failings, which probably isn’t how the film wanted him to come across.

In the images on Disney+ for the film you see them wearing Christmas hats and it is presented as a Christmas film however, there really isn’t a mention of the season anywhere so it doesn’t really come across as a Christmas film. So if that’s what you are looking for then stay away.

All of my points about Greg being a goody goody from my last review also still stand here, it is quite sickening.

Overall, less cringe than the last one but the story and the conflict feels forced.

2/5

Pros.

It is short

There is one or two good laughs here

Cons.

It is boring

Greg is devoid of personality

The conflict feels forced

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Bride Hard: Stop Trying To Make Rebel Wilson A Thing

Summary

Amy Schumer better watch out Rebel Wilson is trying to steal her spot as the number one for slop on Netflix aimed at women.

This time Ozempic Wilson, as we will call her for the rest of the review, is a secret agent who has brought a group of civilians with her unknowingly in order to steal a bio weapon, whilst also being the maid of honour at a bachelorette party. Cut to painful cringe comedy.

The idea that Ozempic can take down a group of guys is just laughable, and not in a good way, the fact she does it all with a face straight out of the Alaqua Cox school of acting makes it funnier. Perhaps this is the death throws of the girlboss genre, they say as a genre dies it begins to parody itself and this certainly feels like that.

The thing is this sort of film was once funny, but that isn’t the case now, now you get a few unbelievable action scenes, a few sassy yaaaaaaaaaas queens from the friends, then cut to credits.

Overall, this is low rent female slop from Netflix, as it thinks this is what women want. However, much like Mel Gibson in a much better film from decades prior they don’t really know what women want.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It isn’t funny

Rebel Wilson should go away

It is slop

It is repetitive

The action is awful

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Back To The Future: Marty’s Mother Is Sexually Abusive

Summary

A classic doesn’t hold up.

I recently watched this film after not having watched it in years, it was not a great experience.

Some films from the Eighties hold up and pass the test of time and some don’t I would argue this is the latter. Firstly, the stuff with Marty and his mother which is played for laughs is really quite an odd choice and is creepy. Marty is being constantly sexually harassed and at times quasi assaulted and yet this is not a big deal and if anything is just a humorous misunderstanding, lets flip the genders and see if it is still a comfortable viewing experience.

Following on from that is the aggressive amount of product placement that is everywhere. Whilst this could be viewed as gimmicky or a funny thing to laugh at it actually is quite distracting and the more and more it goes on and the more you see the worse it gets. It feels less like you’re watching a film and more like an advert.

The smoking gun for this revisionism is that Marty himself is insufferable, not only is he overly cocky and smug a lot of the time, he doesn’t treat those around him well he treats his dad, back in the past, with contempt for being nerdy, and he takes his girlfriend, in the future, for granted, worse yet he never really gets called out for being the way he is. However, when you watch it back you think if Marty was erased from existence the world wouldn’t be so bad.

Overall, a movie that does not hold up.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a good soundtrack

Cons.

The stuff with his mother

The product placement

Marty is not a nice person

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Diary Of A Wimpy Kid Christmas Cabin Fever: Worse Than Book Burnings

Summary

I returned to the Disney version of the Diary Of A Wimpy Kid franchise and was a bit sick.

So lets get one thing very clear, Greg is a good kid but also a fundamentally flawed one with his schemes often getting him into trouble, he is not the sort of kid to give away the present he most wants to help those in need, the idea was so American and sickening that I almost turned it off. This idea of the great moral virtuoso is fake kids don’t behave like that.

In addition this film above all others in the space made me hate current day animation and long to return to the two dimensional hand drawn kind of years prior. Everything about this was so ugly, the models how they moved around the space, the way they interacted with the environment, the environments themselves were hideous.

Moreover, Greg’s families personality was just one emotional state the entire film, there was no nuance or development for his family in anyway they started off the film one way and ended it the same.

Overall, this is some of the most soulless animation you might ever see.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The animation is ugly

It feels fake and overly moral

The family has no personality

It is not funny or relatable

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Christmas Karma: London That Famous Latin Location

Summary

Raj from the Big Bang Theory gets political.

So this was the first film I have ever watched on Plex and I have to say it was a good system, better than some streaming services for sure. I am glad this did not come out in the cinemas where I am, as I cannot imagine sitting there and watching it all in one go. I had to take breaks to get over the cringe.

So a lefty luvvie filmmaker that can seemingly only make films about people from South East Asia, think she can reverse the populist rise in the UK by making a film about immigration. She repeats all of the left wing talking points you would expect, immigrants only immigrate due to forced displacement, ignoring economic migration, that the locals are always angry white people, rather than plenty of people who welcome immigrants and want to integrate with society. This is the sort of film that makes people become right wing, by over simplifying a complex topic and present a very basic moral argument between good and bad.

Also this film decided that A Christmas Carol really needed a latina ghost, really? This film is supposed to be set in the UK, why would there be a latina ghost? The number of Latin people in the UK is miniscule. What seemed like to me was an effort in box ticking, they needed to get every group they could think of ticked off the list, they even gave some token white representation by having Danny Dyer be a dumbed down goofy version of himself to go see white people we don’t hate all of you.

The plot is your standard play on A Christmas Carol with the above politics mixed in for flavour, the issue however, is that A Christmas Carol has been done to death and mixing in some race baiting elements isn’t what the film needs to feel fresh.

Overall, I am sure the group this film was made for will like it, but sadly I was not a part of that group. My takeaways from this experience is that Plex is great Christmas Karma not so much.

1/5

Pros.

It has some unintentional comedy

Cons.

It isn’t funny on purpose

It is preachy

It over simplifies things

The moral of it is so obvious throughout

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Zootopia Two: China To The Rescue

Summary

Disney Animation could not get more generic if it tried.

The first film felt paper thin with the idea of the predators vs the prey metaphor working as a stand-in for race relations, everyone could see the very obvious message of not judging others by what they are but rather the content of their character. Yet this film feels the need to push a worn out and frankly reductive metaphor further forward as it has nothing to say otherwise.

In many ways this is the very worst kind of sequel not one that exists due to a need to, but rather one that is just done for profit. Everything feels a bit more low rent, the humour a bit more stale, the voice cast sound like they are going through the motions, they have the woman from Abbot Elementary basically being an animal version of her character from that show, it all feels very low effort.

Finally wherein Disney films of old used to have a clear moral message that the film would teach over the course of its runtime, there is nothing like that here, maybe it is the reliance of shades of grey rather than actually having established heroes and villains or the need to make everything morally complex that leads to this issue it is hard to tell.

Overall, this is just more animated slop that brings down the tone of the whole genre.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a few unintentional laughs

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A Very Merry Pooh Year: Bring Back Hand Drawn Animation

Summary

Pooh and friends celebrate the holidays.

I needed a pallet cleanser after all of the horrible three dimensional animation I have seen recently for a project I was helping a friend with, so I thought some classic hand drawn animation was just the ticket. Seeing this makes me think about what we have lost, hand drawn animation has so much more heart and soul, even when it combines with three dimensional characters or elements.

I like that this is not just a Christmas film but rather a film that reflects the whole period, there are not many animated New Years films so that was a nice change. I thought that this special did a lot to not only make it feel like Christmas but show how each individual character interacts with the season. The Christmas magic really gave the sweetness of Pooh an extra something.

I would challenge you to watch this special and not even feel a little bit Christmassy, it shows the true meaning of the season and has a wonderful message that is relevant no matter who is watching it or when.

3.5/5

Pros.

It is sweet

It is novel

It is nice to see the different character interact with Christmas

The animation

Cons.

It is slow at times

It has almost a melancholy feel at times

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Sisu Road To Revenge: The Price Of Lumber Today

Summary

Sisu, Jorma Tommila, is back and this time it’s all about lumber.

I enjoyed this film it was more of the same, the action was as you would expect it to be brutal and violent, but it was widely a step back from the first film.

I think the first film played up the over the top force of nature a bit more, there were those elements here but I would say by and large the film was softened and he was shown to be more human. The ending of the film is a reflection of this where people show up and help him build his house, this sentimentality was not what I was looking for out of the film and it clashed with the larger than life elements.

I thought Stephen Lang was a good foil and played the villain well, it felt very much like he was a good match for the lead, however, I would have liked to have seen some flashbacks with him to establish him more and show what he is capable of. I understand they probably didn’t do this for budgetary reasons.

The turns towards absurdity, such as the lead showing up with an old tank that has his precious lumber strapped to it were a bit jarring and I would say again didn’t fit with the tone.

Overall, it maintains a lot of what made the first film good but some of the tonal choices are jarring and let things down.

3/5

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Roofman: Randomly Showing Juno Temple’s Nipple

Summary

The real life story of a man who lived in a Toys R Us after breaking out of prison, and then becoming infatuated with one of the workers there.

It is very hard to give this film a coherent review, there are aspects about it that work: the lead character is very likable and you do root for them and want to see them reunited with their daughter, in this respect Channing Tatum does a good job. However, there are also aspects that really don’t work: there are decisions made in the film in a narrative sense that make no sense at all, you just don’t buy it at times.

Also the writing of the film particularly when it is Tatum interacting with the church group, is so horribly cringe that you want to escape. I like cringe comedy but this is so painfully cringe that it makes you want to scream, I’ll also add that the film is not trying to be cringe which makes it all the worse.

It is nice to see Kristen Dunst back in a major role, I feel like we see a lot less of her these days, I know she was in Civil War but she used to be far more regularly on our screens.

Overall, a film with heart but also a lot of cringe.

3/5

Pros.

It has heart

It is weird but in an interesting way

There are some funny laughs

Cons.

The plot holes

The cringe

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