Paw Patrol The Dino Movie: Brain Rot For Kids

Summary: the animals find other older animals.

This is soulless if this is what constitutes animation these days then the practice should be shelved permanently. There is no depth in the characters or their bonds, or their dialogue, it is just the most obvious vapid platitudes.

This feels like a glorified advert with the animals needing to get new vehicles and have the disabled dog who was already riding a t-rex, have it upgraded to sell more toys. It was incredibly cynical.

The villain is maybe on screen for about 5 minutes and is just silly without any real motivation, they are also stopped incredibly easily showing no real stakes at all in that.

When you look at a film like Minons and Monsters and compare it to this you can see the difference, one is designed to sell toys and to rot kids brains the other goes a bit deeper, has characters and has a story to tell.

Overall, the series and films need to stop.

0.5/5

Pros.

It has a few unintentionally funny moments

Cons.

It’s shallow and vapid

It doesn’t have characters it has a tick box list of traits

The villain is weak

The pacing is awful

It is just an advert

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Teenage Sex And Death At Camp Miasma: The Musings Of A Pervert

Summary: everything wrong with modern horror.

Where to start, one could start with the filmmaker who made this made I Thought I Saw The TV Glow one of the most unwell horror films ever made that made trans people look bad. He is not a filmmaker that should have been given a bigger budget to make another film.

You could mention how Gillan Anderson has exploited the LGBTQ+ market for years, pretending that she is Bi-Sexual when she only ever dates men, but won’t say that as then she’ll lose gigs like this.

You could also mention Hannah Einbinder and her hate filled views about Israel and the Jews and how she embodies the very worst of modern progressive values.

Much like with many modern progressives the director of this film has to make his personal identity central to it. The film heavily features trans messages, the Jason stand in, is claimed to be both a boy and a girl, you can only be one or the other, and dies due to the camp councillors being bigots. The eye roll is real.

At times the film would almost be funny if viewed as a parody but it just inst that. Einbinder’s character is brought in to update his horror franchise and make it less transphobic, again it borders on parody.

Anderson’s character is in a polygamous relationship she doesn’t like, but no doubt it is still better than monogamy as God forbid you conform. Anderson can only climax if she thinks she’s being watched by the killer from her old slasher franchise and then has age inappropriate sex with a much younger Einbinder.

Einbinder character creates a new version of the slasher franchise wherein the killer kills her parents, agent and superiors, one wonders what the incredibly on the nose message the director/writer wants us to see here. She then later dies in the film within a film by being stabbed with a spear as she orgasms during sex. There is something deeply sick and perverse about this film.

Overall, this film shouldn’t be made and the director should not work again.

The film is flopping even on a tiny budget

0/5

Cons.

The age inappropriate relationship

It makes lesbians and the broader LGBTQ+community look bad, as they only seem to have dark fetish sex

It is badly paced

It borders on parody

It is entirely disconnected from reality of any kind

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Spider-Man Brand New Day: Spider-Man Is Depressed

Summary Jean Grey shows up for no reason and decides to act like a villain. Spider-Man pines over his girlfriend.

Let’s get one thing right off the bat as our article from a few days ago said putting Jean Grey into the MCU sans X-Men is dumb as hell. Jean does not behave like herself here, and her backstory around her missing sister etc would have fit very well into a gritty X-Men film but without the light hearted world of a Spider-Man film it really sticks out. If you removed her entirely from the plot and just had it be Spidey working with and then going up against the leader of Damage Control it would have been much better.

The arc they give Peter is probably the best of the MCU, he is broken as Peter but on top of the world as Spider-Man he has lost everyone and needs to learn to trust and let people in again. This is a serious and grown up Spider-Man, we wouldn’t be surprised if kids like this one a bit less as it’s far less about dances and curfews and far more about loneliness, sadness and trauma. Seeing Spider-Man at a low ebb is kind of what the character is all about though.

You’d argue that the supporting cast does a lot of the heavy lifting here, John Bernthal is wonderful as the Punisher and you really see how much he cares about Peter. Yelana is funny and steals the scenes she isn’t in. However, the star of the side cast is arguably Zendaya. Now a number of the contributors to this magazine do not have a high opinion of Zendaya however, here she is the emotional core of the film. The fact that she can’t remember anything about Peter and that they don’t get back together in the end is incredibly mature and grown up.

There is a real sense of transition with this film not the least due to the changes happening to Peter with his Spider DNA but because it shifts from being a children’s film to something much more serious and grown up.

3.5/5

Pros.

Peter and MJ

Frank

The action and the go pro scenes

The humour

Cons.

The stuff with Jean Grey

The end credits tease isn’t good

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Interstellar: Back In The 2010s Chris Nolan Was A Serious Filmmaker

Summary, a man goes on a mission to find a new home for his kids across the stars.

Unlike something like Project Hail Mary this film actually scienced it was hard science fiction from the off rather than wasting time with goofy elements.

The performances carried the film and there was a lot of weight to it, particularly the scenes wherein the main character sees his daughter again for the first time in decades.

The film does have some of the usual Nolan bloat as he likes to indulge in, the film would have been better sans the Matt Damon plotline, and sans the Cassie Affleck side quest but hey Nolan has to Nolan.

The film is visually great and the new worlds they explore look well realised and hold up even now 12 years later.

Overall, a sign of what Nolan can do when he’s not race swapping characters to bait the culture war.

3.5/5

Pros.

The world design

The human aspects

The science

The gravity of the situation

Cons.

Bloat

Needless subplots

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Evil Dead Burn: Is That It?

Summary: the deadities go after a family after they discover an ancient weapon that can kill them.

So this film was watchable and had some good gore but that’s really it, it didn’t do much of anything new either in terms of horror more broadly or in terms of the franchise.

Another thing that was odd was that the humour which is a staple of the Evil Dead franchise was mostly missing as the film played it straight, this was a bad choice.

The film once again showed the evil side of the nuclear family and turned the film into a depressing PSA on domestic abuse.

Crucially it was an Evil Dead film that wasn’t fun.

Overall, watchable if the low point for the franchise.

2/5

Pros.

The gore

It is watchable

Cons.

The lack of humour

The return of Ellie is fairly meh

It is something you have seen before

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Moana (Live Action): Disney Doesn’t Respect You

Summary, a film that is barely 10 years old is repackaged to you by Disney as they think you’ll just buy anything.

This film is insulting, not in that it’s bad it’s incredibly mediocre, but in how cynical it is. This film was simply made to mine an IP there was no need for it and they didn’t change much about it, it was made as Disney thought kids would just watch anything. Gone are the days of Walt’s standards.

There is precious little to say about the film as they change very little about it, you’ve seen it all before as once again the film is barely 10 years old and most people can remember it. At times it feels like a parody of the original film but you realise it is played too serious for that, a parody would have been better.

Overall, if your kid like Moana just put the original on.

2/5

Pros.

The adventure is still the same

The songs are still mostly the same

Cons.

It doesn’t need to exist

It does nothing new

It is the worst version

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The Odyssey: Greece Is A Country In Africa

Summary, a modern audience adaptation of Homer’s The Odyssey with renewed female focus.

Sadly the Editor demanded that someone cover this film and that fell to me so here we are. The film didn’t look good from the trailers and from the other marketing materials but there is still further to fall.

Firstly, not only is Helen of Troy black but also Troy has a black princess. This makes no sense for the region or the time period but hey Troy is clearly Wakanda lite.

Secondly, to address the evil nature of Homer’s original text and how it didn’t focus enough on the female perspective despite being written about a war and return home from it, things only men would have had experience with at the time, we get lots of Penelope action. She is a girlboss running Ithaca turning down all the marriage proposals, as she is married and believes her husband is still alive. This wastes a lot of the film’s runtime goes on for far too long, but hey we needed more female perspective so forced marriages and suitors is the way to go, very progressive Chris.

Thirdly, the idea of Ellen Page as a greek warrior is laughable. If a male child was born like that in ancient Greece it likely would have been left for dead, she has the normal portions for a woman, but hey ho this clearly a very tolerant and progressive ancient Greece.

Fourthly, as is customary of Hollywood you can’t really have villains they have to be misunderstood. Charlize Theron’s Circe both helps the gang but also keeps and rapes Odysseus for 7 years but is not treated like the out and out villain she is. The woman uses a man for her pleasure and that is all that matters in these modern days where marriage is oppressive and men the enemy.

Finally, Odysseus is made out to be a monster for killing innocent people during the Trojan war, once again despite the left’s refusal to accept reality innocent people die in war all the time. He is punished repeatedly by Zendaya, whose presence in this film reminds us all that you don’t need to be able to act to be an actor.

You can tell at times this is adapting the translation and not the original text, the message is very clear. Women are made to rule, to use and punish men as they see fit, and that men are only after power and use women for it and that war is bad.

Christopher Nolan used to be a serious filmmaker this is not serious filmmaking it is a vandalisation of Greek mythology, but hey they refuses to do the press tour in Greece so what does it matter.

1/5

Pros.

There are a few aspects of the classic text it leaves alone.

Cons.

The modern dayisms

Expecting people to believe that Ellen Page is a greek soldier

The terrible acting at times

The pacing and bloat

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The Invite: A Lonely Woman’s Take On Marriage

Summary: an unhappily married couple are swayed into the swinging lifestyle

So of course Olivia Wilde a woman who ran out of a relationship to get with a much younger man, is going to tell you being in a long term monogamous relationship makes you unhappy.

Of course she is going to fetishize swinging and act like the swinging couple has a great relationship, when in fact it is an unethical therapist, Cruz, taking advantage of a man who lost his wife, Norton.

The film ends with the monogamous couple looking at slipping up,  because of course they would be happier single.

The central characters are incredibly irritating and unlikeable and a collection of some of the worst modern cliches and neurosis.

The cringe comedy does manage to get a laugh from you before the loveless husk of a marriage manages becomes too much to bare and sucks all the joy from the room.

Overall, a depressing experience.

1.5/5

Pros

A few funny jokes

Okay pacing

Cons.

Deeply unlikeable characters

Yet more monogamy bad nonsense

Hollywood’s sheer lack of morals

It’s depressing

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Minions and Monsters: The True Story Behind Hollywood’s Golden Age

Summary: a minion with a dream sets out to make it big.

In many ways this film is good, it is funny, has heart and does a lot to show the good that can come from chasing your dreams. The monsters have their moments though it may have been more fun to have had the Minions go through a parade of different big bosses only to mess up and have to move on.

Part of where the film struggles is that it tries to juggle too many plots, you have the filmmaking storyline, you have the goal of the monsters, you have Dort and his love interest, and you have the meta narrative in both the sense of the tour guide telling the story as well as meta references to Minions and Monsters as a real film. There is a lot going on and it can sometimes feel like the film is jumping from one thing to the other a bit too much.

Zoey Deutch voices Dorts love interest, who is a suffragette type figure fighting for women to have the vote. When we first saw this we thought here we go, but no that is all quickly left behind as she becomes interested in Dort and instead cheers him on through his journey as he is trying to save all the world. It was a nice subversion of the modern preachy message.

Overall, another good film in the franchise but one that is narratively weak at times.

4/5

Pros.

The subversion

It’s funny

The characters are likeable

It’s well paced in terms of keeping your interest

Cons.

The tries to do too much and is overly complicated at times

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Jackass Best And Last: Getting Tired

Summary: The Jackass crew get together one last time for a few more stunts.

Whilst being a fan of Jackass for the entirety of the time it’s being around and watching the series as a child as it aired, on the opposite side of the US to me,there is a certain sense of morbidity to watching this. Whilst most of the cast are still there, you can feel the time creeping up to everyone involved. There is a question being raised about whether this needed to exist, the answer would be no.

The stunts feel less extreme and more juvenile, the juvenile nature of it you could get away with as they were younger but as they have aged it has become less and less so.

There is a sense of finality to the film though the use of archived footage, which works well if you’re a fan of the franchise.

Overall, some funny moments and good Stunts but that’s met with a sense of needlessness, and morbidity.

2.5/5

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