Hippopotamus: A Special Kind Of Miracle

Hippopotamus is a British film directed by John Jencks. The plot follows jaded writer/ poet Ted Wallace (Roger Allam), as he is payed to go and investigate claims of a miracle healer that can cure people of any disease with just a touch.

This is a mixed bag, Allam is strong and makes for a likeable protagonist, but his character is nothing new. In the leagues of jaded detective characters that have come before him Ted just can’t hope to match up. He is a walking cliché.

The mystery itself is fun, part of you wants to believe that their really is a faith healer, but another part of you knows it is all fake. When the reveal scene finally comes and Ted lays everything out, it all makes sense and feels incredibly satisfying.

My main issue with this film is that it has incredibly bad pacing. There are parts of this film that are almost unwatchable because of how slow they are, by the time the film graces us with an ending you have long since stopped caring.

Overall, though it has a intriguing premise that lends itself well to investigation and mystery the film is far too long and the pacing issue destroy the film and make it borderline unwatchable.

Pros.

The mystery and reveal

Wallace is likeable enough

Cons.

The pacing issues

Wallace despite being likeable is incredibly generic

You stop caring at all by the end

1.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

House: Never Let Your Kid Go In A Swimming Pool, There Might Be Vietnam Demons In It

House is a horror comedy film directed by Steve Miner. The plot sees well known author Roger Cobb (William Catt), move back to the house where his son disappeared some years prior. Why he has gone back he can’t quite say, but as he sets about writing his latest novel he starts to notice odd occurrences and soon he is drawn in to a battle with the paranormal.

Prior to watching this I was not aware that it is a comedy horror film, I thought it was just a straight horror, and was surprised by the number of goofy jokes, family friendly nature of the demons and the musical asides. However, with the new knowledge I have it makes sense.

The demons look quite unlike anything you will ever see, they are 80s in a way that you have to see to believe. Though they look almost comical at times yet they still manage to have a degree of fright to them, you never want to turn your back.

I enjoyed the Vietnam twist and thought the idea of having a solider or someone suffering from PTSD being more open to experiences with the supernatural was an interesting concept. The Vietnam sequences were all done quite well, and the conversation around whether Roger was crazy or not was fun to think about.

The one negative I would say for this film is that it is not scary in any way, and that is not because it is family friendly horror Goosebumps the tv show, or Ghostbusters 2 had moments in that frightened me. The reason I find it not scary is because of how over the top and frankly campy it is, especially with the creature design.

Overall, a good starter horror film with a neat concept, but not scary in any way.

Pros.

It is funny

It has an interesting concept

Catt

Cons.

It is more funny than Scary

It has pacing issues galore

3/5

Reviewed by Luke

Happiest Season: Normalising Abusive Relationships?

Happiest Season is a Christmas set romantic comedy directed by Claire Duvall. The plot sees Harper (Mackenzie Davis), bring her girlfriend Abby (Kristen Stewart), home for Christmas with her family. However, Harper has not told her family that she is a lesbian, nor has she told them about her and Abby’s relationship, so the two are placed into an awkward situation.

I have been looking forward to this one for a while, it was the only new Christmas film this year that I was genuinely excited for, okay maybe Princess Switch 2 as well a little, which makes this all the harder to write. Yes, before I get into the review I will acknowledge that in terms of representation this film is a big step forward, it is certainly the first big, well promoted, LGBTQ+ Christmas film I have ever seen. It is nice to see a Christmas rom com from a non-straight, perspective; hopefully this will be the first of many in Hollywood. That said lets get into why I didn’t like the film.

This to me did not fee like a romantic comedy, hell if anything it felt like a tragedy. The key relationship between Harper and Abby is deeply toxic, Harper outed one of her friends in high school to divert from people finding out that she was a lesbian, and she also treats Abby like absolute dog shit for most of the film; even going so far as to reject her in the films climax. With all that said, I was left infuriated when the two ended up together at the end, they shouldn’t have, Abby deserved better. By showing this ending it almost goes so far as to say Harper’s abusive behaviour is fine or at least not as bad because look they still ended up together.

Moreover, this film wastes it wider, very talented supporting cast. The only character in this film that felt like a real human person was Abby, Kristen Stewart’s performance made me feel something, we the audience felt bonded to her throughout her experience. The same can’t really be said for Davis, who is frequently played as the film’s antagonist, at least that is how I read it, which makes it even more problematic that they ended up together. Additionally, Alison Brie and Aubrey Plaza are both in this film and though they each have one pivotal scene for the most part they don’t really do much and their talents are left pretty much wasted.

Overall, if this film had ended with them not together, and this was a comment on toxic relationships and looking out for yourself and loving those who truly love you, then I would have given it higher. However, as is, I find it almost condones emotionally abusive relationships and presents them as normal.

Pros.

Stewart

There are a few funny moments

Cons.

The ending

Having them survive as a couple

Wasting the ensemble

Normalising abuse

2/5

Reviewed by Luke

Nanny McPhee And The Big Bang: The Nanny You Need Is Nanny McPhee

Nanny McPhee And The Big Bang is a family fantasy film directed by Susanna White. The plot sees Nanny McPhee (Emma Thompson), return to help the Green Family, as matriarch Isabel (Maggie Gyllenhaal) is overwhelmed having to run the farm and run after her kids whilst her husband is away fighting in the war.

What a charming film this is. Whilst watching it I had a near permanent smile on my face. It is whimsically inventive fun and the fact it fully embraces its eccentricities is only a bonus in my book. Though the two are quite similar I found myself enjoying this film far more than the recent Mary Poppins film.

That was mainly due to the performance of Emma Thompson as the titular Nanny. Though the character seems tough and foreboding, Thompson puts such a warmth into the character that it is impossible not to love her by the end of the film. I also enjoyed the fact that the film did not go out of its way to explain who Nanny McPhee was, or how her magic work; it allows for imagination.

Moreover, and this may be the most key achievement of all the films victories, is that the children in this film are bearable. Usually, child actors ruin whatever film they are in, but here they are actually okay and because they aren’t so damn annoying you actually end up caring for them. A testament to the performances.

Overall, this is a delight for all the family.

Pros.

Thompson

Gyllenhaal

The children

Not explaining the powers

Maggie Smith

Cons.

The ending was a bit too overly sentimental

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Did Someone Call The X-Men?

A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors is a slasher horror film directed by Chuck Russell. The plot sees Freddy (Robert Englund), terrorise and try to kill the remaining Elm Street children, who are locked away in a mental intuition. However, the remaining Elm Street Kids realise that they have dream powers themselves and that together they can fight back against Freddy.

I was getting strong X-Men vibes from this film, I know it is because I have recently seen the New Mutants and stylistically they share some similarities, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling throughout.

I thought this was a step up from the previous film as it gave me what I was asking for, more Freddy. Freddy really gets his time to shine here, his kills are more out there and oddly inventive and we get to see his past explored in more detail, which I found interesting.

I enjoyed seeing Nancy (Heather Langenkamp), return I thought it was a great way of tying the series together outside of Freddy, sadly she was not given all that much to do beside be a mentor for the new cast of kids. Said kids were okay, none of them really struck me or left any kind of impression, their powers were neat, but underdeveloped we needed more time seeing them use them for it to be believable and make sense.

Overall, this might be my favourite of the Elm Street films so far I enjoyed the focus on Freddy and the dream warriors are a cool concept, even if the execution is a bit shaky.

Pros

The focus on Freddy and his backstory

The return of Nancy

The powers (as an idea)

The kills

Cons.

The powers were not fleshed out enough and the dream warriors themselves were all very bland

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

Greenland: When The Apocalypse Comes You Need The Architects, Screw Doctors

Greenland is a disaster action film directed by Ric Roman Waugh. The plot sees a comet come into Earth’s atmosphere which poses an extinction level threat to mankind. In amongst the people trying to stay alive is family man John Garrity (Gerard Butler), who must go to great lengths to keep this family alive and get them to the new promised land, Greenland.

I remember seeing the trailer for this film in the cinema awhile back, and I thought it looked promising. Now having seen it, I can say I am mixed on it. Yes, it does have a strong premise, with a suitably tense ticking clock narrative that keeps things moving forward nicely.

However, on the other hand, it does not do much with its premise beyond ending up like just another generic action, disaster film. Moreover, some of the dramatic choices here feel needless and really don’t add much to the narrative as a whole. Like why did John’s son need to be kidnapped? What did that thread add?

Butler was okay, this seems like an easy fit role for him, he was everything I would expect him to be. Your enjoyment of his performance will depend on how you feel about Butler and his ‘character’ generally.

Overall, despite initial promise this film ended up being just another generic disaster film.

Pros.

Gerard Butler

The set pieces

The tension

Cons.

It doesn’t do much with its interesting premise

Drama and twists added needlessly

It is generic

2.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Nativity 3: Taking Christmas Away From Kids, The Further Rise Of The Sociopath Known As Mr. Poppy

Nativity 3 is a British Christmas comedy film directed by Debbie Isitt. The barely comprehensible plot follows Jeremey Shepard (Martin Clunes), an Ofsted inspector who comes to St Bernadette’s. Whilst there he is knocked unconscious by a donkey and loses all of his memory, they then go to New York for a flash mob competition, or something, and Jeremey is also getting married and can’t remember his bride that is also going on.

It is fair to say just from that brief description that this film is far too busy. Not only that, but it is trying to be and do so many different things at once whilst failing at all of them. None of it really makes any sense, and the flash mob storyline feels incredibly dated and more than a little cringe.

Clunes can’t hold a candle to Freeman and Tennent who came before him and passes through the film with as much enthusiasm as someone who has just found a new parking ticket on their car. Mr Poppy (Marc Wootton), the bane of the previous films and easily the worst part of the series is even worse here. We get that he is supposed to be a man-child, but here he is straight up malicious blatantly not caring for others as long as he gets his way.

Whilst watching this film I had one thought in my mind, ‘how long is left’, that says all you need to know.

Overall, give this a wide birth.

Pros.

It makes good background noise

Cons.

It is not funny

It is not charming

The story is incomprehensible and cringe

Mr Poppy might be my most loathed cinematic character

0.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Nutcracker And The Four Realms: Stay In The Uncanny Valley, Please

The Nutcracker And The Four Realms is a fantasy adventure film directed by Lasse Hallstrom and Joe Johnson. The plot sees troubled outsider Clara (Mackenzie Foy), venture into a strange world in search of a key to one of her late mother’s possessions.

This film is bizarre, it is like it too a good look at Alice In Wonderland and decided to copy it but make it even more convoluted and odd. There is an underlying sinisterness to this world and this film in generally that I can’t quite put my finger on, but there is definitely something off about it.

The CGI does not help the film at all, it ends up looking all a bit too obviously fake and the uncanniness of it all becomes jarring and off-putting the more you are exposed to it.

The only positive I have for the film is that its basic premise and world feel interesting, like there is a fascinating tale to tell there. However, the film as a whole fails to delivery on this and instead churns out yet another mindless, soulless, big-screen CGI fest. The acting is likewise as wooden, with several big-name actors clearly only here for the money.

The big third act twist where one of the key characters turns out to be evil is one of the most obvious reveals I have ever seen in all my years watching films, and I understand the audience for this would be mostly children but come on Disney have some respect for your audience. They are not all mindless and as the final numbers show they refuse to eat your off brand, out of date, cliché riddled, fantasy slop anymore. Do better!

Overall, though there is a sliver of promise here, it is quickly crushed under a mountain of awful CGI, pay check performances and disturbing feeling. Utter trash.

Pros.

There is some promise

It is watchable

Cons.

There is something wrong with it

The CGI is overused and off-putting

The performances are awful

The plot assumes that the audience are brain dead

The twist

1/5

Reviewed by Luke

Playing With Fire: John Cena Learns To Cry

Playing With Fire is a family comedy film directed by Andy Fickman. The plot sees a group of smoke dodgers look after three children for a few days and finding out that they are more work than they bargained for.

Will this film win awards? No it won’t. Will it be the best film you will see all year? No again. Will it make you smile? Yes, it will and is that not the most important thing?

I put this film on looking for some wholesome entertainment and I found just that. The comedy is quite good, there are a few laugh inducing moments throughout the film, but mainly you find yourself just smiling at the wholesome fun of it. For me, the slapstick comedy of the film, mainly done by John Cena (who is also the lead), did not really work. It felt juvenile and even then quite base, on the whole Keegan-Michael Key and John Leguizamo steal the show comedically.

The plot was nothing new, it was all fairly standard the twist about the kids is fairly obvious and the decision at the end is signposted from the start of the film, so neither feel surprising. If you are looking for a strong plot then this is not the film for you, it took things that you have seen before and did then again well enough to be entertaining.

I enjoyed the wholesomeness of this film and watching it defiantly improved my mood.

Overall, far from perfect, but it will entertain you and make you smile

Pros.

The comedy

The wholesomeness

The ending is sweet

Cons.

The plot is fairly been there done that and the plot twists and turns are obvious

The slapstick doesn’t work and feels too dumb

Cena is a weak lead

3/5

Reviewed by Luke

Little Miss Sunshine: Beauty Pageants Are CREEPY

Little Miss Sunshine is a comedy drama film directed by Johnathan Dayton and Valerie Faris. The plot sees a family travel across the country to enter their daughter Olive (Abigale Breslin), in the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant.

There is something special about this film as it captures the messy often quite unpleasant nature of family but shows that deep down it is a force for good. The family we meet here are atypical to the Hollywood norm, they are not incredibly wealthy, and they are dysfunctional in a way that most other ‘dysfunctional’ families you see on the big screen are. There is a hostility and a world wiriness that underpins them and this whole film.

Much can and has been said for the performances of Paul Dano and Steve Carell in this film, so I will not waste time telling you how sublime they were in their roles. No the person I want to focus on is Greg Kinnear. Kinnear plays the patriarch of the family, who starts off the film almost as an antagonist to most of the main cast but turns cheek during the film. What works so well about the character arc of Kinnear’s character is that it is understated, as we see more of him and see how he changes we question our first assumption about him and ask ourselves if we were wrong?

Finally, I enjoyed the ending of this film and the stance it took against beauty pageants. Somewhat predictably, the family realises at the end how sick and messed up the pageant world is and defy it and learn that the bond they have all formed over the course of the road trip is more important. Regardless, of predictability I liked seeing them stick it to the pageant industry, which in my humble opinion is one of the worst industries that we have left, can it be cancelled soon please!

Overall, a classic.

Pros.

Kinnear’s arc

The ending

Dano

Carell

Cons.

A little too familiar

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke