Long Legs: Nicolas Cage Makes Some Dolls And Screams About His Mom And Dad

Summary

A hunt for a serial killer begins.

Many people were upset with this film expecting it to be something it wasn’t. The marketing suggested this film to be a crime thriller ala Silence Of The Lambs, however, the film was far more of a supernatural horror film and for me that worked.

Much like with Ti West, Osgood Perkin’s to me as a director is incredibly hit and miss, whilst he can make a scary film he can also make art house garbage, as such I went into this with low expectations. I must say in every way this film blew me away, not only was it coherent, but it was also incredibly scary, I may say that this film is the scariest of the year so far. This was especially true as the more supernatural elements began to develop in the plot, the idea of the dolls and the devil was used very effectively here. Another thing that’s praiseworthy is the fact that the film relied on an atmosphere rather than cheap jump scares, which diverges the film from a lot of recent horror releases.

Maika Monroe is quickly becoming a scream queen, if not THE scream queen of our age, she plays the lead here with equal amounts of charm and unease. She commands attention but can also be quite comedic at times, there is a scene in which a little girl invites her character to a birthday party and it is some of the best cringe comedy that you might ever see.

My two main gripes of this film are both fairly minor. Firstly, I don’t like how much of a willing participant the mum becomes, as the narrative of the film suggests she’s just doing it to keep her daughter alive, to me this shift in motivations doesn’t make sense. They could have explained this away by her becoming possessed or something but they don’t. Secondly, though I am a massive fan I think Nicolas Cage was miscast here, so his character looks scary sure, but Cage’s delivery and performance makes the character almost a joke at times and is distractingly bad. They have seemingly let Cage go full Cage and this film didn’t require or need that, if anything it hurts it.

Overall, one of the best horror films of the year so far

4/5

Pros.

It is scary

The mythology

Monroe

It is well paced and keeps a good atmosphere

Cons.

The mother’s character motivations

Cage is wrong for the part

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The Bottom Dweller

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple get some unexpected money from the IRS and then go about spending it whilst looking over their shoulder.

I thought that this film was nice wish fulfilment, the idea of getting a large sum of money and just spending it is always satisfying to see realised on screen as you get to think what would you do in that situation if you got that same amount of money.

As for the comedy of the film, I thought that there were a few humorous over the top situations that came about as a result of them spending their money like it was going out of fashion, however, I would say it was not as funny as The Golden Boys, by the same studios, as I prefer absurdism.

I think that the characters feel like real people and that is nice and you can really buy into the world of the film and relate to them.

Overall, a fun time but one that is not as laugh a minute as the studios’ other work

3/5

Pros.

Some good jokes

Relatable characters

A good pace

Cons.

It repeats some unfunny jokes

It doesn’t fully develop its premise in a meaningful way

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The Golden Boys

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two friends head out to catch a bank robber with a little help from some unlikely allies.

This film made me laugh. As it is a comedy film I could leave the review right there and it would have succeeded in what it set out to do, but I’ll go a little further.

In many senses this film reminded me of something like Fargo, it had crime elements but also some comedy, and where I would say is the main point of divergence which for me makes this better is that where the former has dark comedy elements this is a lot more light. As many of you who read my reviews on the regular know, I find dark comedy to be a trying genre that is incredibly hit and miss, so I am glad this is more goofball comedy than dark.

I think the blending of this tale of these two friends setting out to catch a bank robber, which whilst silly has some serious elements, with the fact they are in a Golden Girls fan club and have a series off odd friends from that come and help them out is pure gold. It has a lot of good belly laughing sort of jokes and set pieces that have you smiling even when you aren’t laughing.

It is a very hard to dislike sort of film.

Overall, a fun silly comedy film that is just the ticket when looking for something to cheer you up when you’re down.

4/5

Pros.

It is funny

The merging of serious and silly

The characters are all likeable

The Golden Girls references

Cons.

A few light pacing issues

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Irish Wish: Lohan’s Wish Should Have Been To Redo Her Career

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Lindsay Lohan plays a book editor who travels to Ireland and hangs out with a Saint, yes this is what Netflix has come to.

I enjoy a so bad it’s good Hallmark, or Hallmark like romcom film just as much as the next person, but I have to say, and maybe it’s the quarter Irish blood in me, that this film is offensively bad. It is not 0/5 bad as there was still some jokes to be had at the films expense, but it is fairly egregious. The main reason for this being but the film is given the Emily in Paris treatment, all of the Irish characters are reduced to stereotypes and cheap caricatures, and of course the isle has to be magical because why leave cliches behind. The only way this film could have been more stereotypical would have been if she had her wish granted by a Leprechaun rather than a Saint.

However, the worst crime this film commits is that it’s boring, there were multiple moments where I considered turning off and I watch a lot of these sort of films every year especially around Christmas so I’m used to it. The issue here being that you just don’t care about a lot of the characters, such as they have a long series of side cutaways about Lohan’s characters mother, played by Jane Seymour, that just go nowhere she doesn’t even turn up in Ireland. It is due to how dull and undeveloped these characters are that the dull scenes feel even duller.

Overall, a Netflix rom-com that whilst has a number of so bad it is good laughs also suffers from some incredibly bad pacing and being boring.

2/5

Pros.

It is laughably bad

Lohan tries her best

Cons.

Pacing

It is boring at times

It is deeply offensive to the Irish

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Kinds of Kindness: The Wrong Kind Of Experiment

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A trilogy of tales that have no business being together.

I have been a fan of this director for a long time, the Lobster, the Favourite and Poor Things are all terrific films, this however, is a failed experiment. It is a film that wants to be experimental, that wants to challenge audiences, it will not be what you’re expecting it to be, and that is not a bad thing if it works, but it just doesn’t.

We are presented with three tales, one of which is bad one, of which has somewhat redeeming elements but is mostly bad, and one that works well. Sadly the good segment the 2nd segment is not the front or the end of the trilogy but rather smack dab in the middle meaning you don’t get the satisfying good start to the feature nor the big finish to salvage a mixed product, you start the film feeling disappointed and you end the film feeling disappointed.

Now to get into why the segments work or don’t work, crucially comes down to execution. The first segment is about power and control and what we’ll do to have stability in our lives yet the segment doesn’t go far enough to demonstrate this and is far too ambiguous in its ending. Secondly, we get a segment about loved ones and what we would do to have one that we thought lost back, this segment works because the concept is strong enough that it makes up for poor execution whereas the other two can’t be saved like this. The idea of the double is a horror mainstay and it is so for a reason, it is effective. Thirdly, we get a segment about religion and cults which could be interesting there is enough new, novel and intriguing ideas here to create a feature film of its own, however the film squanders the time it has in this segment, it does silly things like have Emma Stone do a TikTok dance when we could be giving the characters a satisfying ending.

In a sense this film reads like someone taking a victory lap not making a film for a mass market audience, but rather making it for themselves and assuming they are enough of a name to draw in audiences.

Overall, a film with a strong series of premises but one that can’t execute on most of them.

2.5/5

Some funny moments

The second segment works

It has a lot of good ideas

Cons.

The first and third segment don’t come together

It is too experimental

The Tik Tok dance

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Maxxxine: Which Actors Haven’t Done Porn

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Mia Goth fresh from her controversies rounds out her horror trilogy.

As some of you may know I am not a fan of Ti West as a horror director there is just something about his style of shock horror that I have never cared for and found off putting. In a sense I think shock horror can often fall on the wrong side of lazy and be disgusting or controversial for the sake of it.

Whilst West’s trilogy here for the most part has stayed on the positive side of this line and not veered off too much into the wrong side of shock horror. However, when the film does try to be shocking such as with the reveal of the religious cult it comes off as confused. Whilst West’s trilogy can be seen to reflect an idea of embracing grime and hardship in order to succeed, and that negative aspects of life are important especially in the face of zealous religious upbringings, the message doesn’t quite come home with the rounding out of this trilogy, and instead the religious cult feels like a joke.

Goth continues to play the character of Maxine with the same unhinged determination she did in the previous films, however for anyone looking for further depths or more aspects to this character or Goth’s performance they will be sorely left wanting. In terms of characterization it is more of the same, yes we get to see the interaction between child and parent but that isn’t as illuminating as fans of the trilogy would want it to be.

The main highlight of this film for me, is a surprisingly great and at times menacing turn from Kevin Bacon, true he only has a minor role but he makes the most of every second of screen time he gets.

At times the world of this film becomes more interesting than the story we’ve been presented with on screen, my takeaway from that is that more film should explore Hollywood during this time period, delve deeper into the grime whether they’re a horror film or not.

Overall Maxxine is the best of the trilogy and one of West’s better films, however, there is something lacking that keeps it from being truly great.

2.5/5

Pros.

The world

Bacon

Some good tense moments

Cons.

Goth is limited in her performance

It doesn’t go as far as you would want with the Cult

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Sting: There Is Nothing More Scary And Depressing Than A Flat Block

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Arachnophobia in the confines of a flat block.

I have never suffered with a fear of spiders, I have known many who have and to them this film must be terrifying. Essentially this film is a creature feature with an air not too dissimilar to Evil Dead Rise, though that was more about demons than spiders. There is something about the urban decay of an apartment block that makes the threat posed by this film feel far more real and lived.

I thought there were a number of good grisly moments, as well as some light body horror/gore nothing too strong however. I would say this film definitely leans on more of a comedic side of horror than an actual scary side, with their being a degree of levity to the spider kills.

I would say this theme that has been recurring in 2024 of step dads needing to assert themselves and find their place in the family unit is becoming drawn out and I would dare say overplayed. Whilst the story can be done in an endearing way it quite often repeats the beats seen in other films which gives off a repetitive feeling especially if you are a repeat watcher of horror films

Overall, fun but not the greatest horror film you will see this year.

3/5

Pros.

The kills

The confines

Some of the silly aspects work

Cons.

It is badly paced

Too much family drama

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In A Violent Nature: Like Friday The 13th Without Any Of The Charm And More Walking

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The slasher film is defiled.

This film reads as being made by someone who hates slasher films. They don’t just hate them they have no respect for what they are or for those who like them. In this person’s opinion they need to be deconstructed and remade. This film lazily clings to slasher tropes whilst hating slashers with every fibre of its being.

It lacks the comedic campy charm of a slasher film, instead it tries for the pretentious air of an art house film but it fails to be anything more than puddle deep. This film thinks to reinvent the slasher genre by taking away any of the fun or joy of it and replacing it instead with long drawn out shots of someone walking, and I mean long scenes of walking. It’s solution to re-invent the slasher it appears is to make it boring.

Not only that but the traditional teens and silly young people that would make good fodder for our slashers and now replaced with clear adults who possess no charm and can barely act. These characters are at best grown worthy, with there being several scenes such as cancel culture’s not real and an incredibly unrealistic awkward and forced lesbian romance that came out of nowhere because it’s 2024 and we need that, these scenes make you realise that the writer lacks talent.

This film quite clearly thinks it’s more than it is, it is an example of everything wrong with art house cinema, a sad waste of talent and a film few will like.

Overall, a terrible charmless affair, that is cringey at best and dull at worst.

1/5

Pros.

It has one good kill

Cons.

The characters are awful

It is boring

There is no fun to be had

It has pacing issues

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Everybody Dance

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Children with different disabilities find joy in the art off ballet.

This film is incredibly important as it highlights the power art and dance has to enrich people’s lives. The subjects of this documentary are never presented as victims rather as people with a passion. It’s incredibly important within the narrative of this film that the people featured are never defined by their disabilities but rather their drive to and determination to be great at ballet.

I found this feature to be charming in many ways, it is a very affable tale and it is easy to like the subjects as their enthusiasm for the art of ballet is very palpable. Before watching this I had never been very into ballet but after watching it I am certainly more interested than I was before.

I think what I like most about this film is that it shows off how film as a medium can be used to show the happiness and joy that exists all around us everyday in the world, but that we might not see as we are too busy living our lives and doom scrolling.

Overall, a must see.

5/5

Pros.

It is lovely

It is uplifting

It makes you passionate for ballet

It is the feel good sort of thing you need to see to be reminded of the good in humanity

It never treats its subjects as victim but rather as people

Cons.

None

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The Crow: The Darkest Of Angels

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A true icon of 90 cinema.

Every day I think about the fact that they are remaking a film that never needed to be remade. Apologies for talking about the no doubt awful 2024 remake of The Crow, but after watching a re-release of this film recently I am now convinced but there is no hope for the remake and that it is ultimately disrespectful.

There is something so grimy so comic booky about this film that has just been lost in the modern comic book film landscape. The closest comparison point could be Sin City but those films are over a decade old now. In a sense this film reads more as a comic book come to life than anything else, it bleeds off the page, the rawness of the comic book which inspired this film helps to create the world and the emotion that drives it.

The styling and atmosphere of the film is instantly memorable and was the inspiration for goths and emos everywhere, as truly this character feels like an underdog that people can relate to, with the journey to avenge his late girlfriend truly being a thing of catharsis in the film. You are cheering him on every step of the way and can relate to him in an emotional sense that other more traditional superheroes don’t allow for.

There are a few scenes such as the rooftop guitar scene that come off by a modern sensibility as a little cheesy now, however despite the cheesiness being present it only serves to enhance the film overall and make it if anything more likeable. The film feels like the very best cross between action, horror and comic book films and in that sense there’s something there for everyone.

Perhaps I have a soft spot for the film as it was such an influential film for me growing up and one I watched many times, so perhaps I have a warmness to it that others may not. However, I believe that this is one of the best superhero/comic book films of the 1990s with the only competition being Blade.

Moreover, Brandon Lee manages to make the character both are force of nature in terms of action but also one that has a comedic side and a sentimental side allowing for a character to read as three dimensional.

Overall, this film is a cult classic for a reason and it still holds up now.

4.5/5

Pros.

The action

The world

The relatability

The ending

The aesthetic

Cons.

The cheesier moments won’t be for all tastes

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