Predicting The End Of The Acolyte

Written by Luke Barnes

This will be something fairly new for this site, due to the popularity of my Acolyte coverage, I am going to try and predict the end of the show. Now for context we are about half way through at the end of next week’s episode so there is still plenty of places for this to go to. Maybe I’ll be right, maybe I’ll be wrong but here we go, and remember if you like this new format to let me know because then I’ll do more of it.

Okay so an easy one up first, someone from the wider Star Wars universe will cameo, likely right at the end of the final episode. If I had to guess I would say maybe someone like Yoda or possibly a Darth Plaguieis if they wanted to bring in someone from the wider lore, I don’t know if he is still considered cannon or not. They will do this to try and tie this fan fiction into the actual films and shows so that it feels more legitimate.

Secondly, Jodi Turner-Smith is the Sith that is training and sending out Mae, Amandla Stenberg, they will have some reason she survived the massacre, and say that it was her in ability to let her children be themselves that made her the villain. The two sisters will then join together to take her out, there will be the much rumoured I am your mother moment before this point. It will be odd if the show does this as it has had you sympathise with her character in episode 3 going oh she just doesn’t want her children taken away.

Thirdly, the Jedi order will be the real bad guys, even though the Sith are the known villains of the Star Wars franchise, this series will try to excuse Turner-Smith’s character who has weaponised her child into an assassin by saying oh but the Jedi are bad. This is being done to deconstruct the group and to tie into the tired analogy to modern policing and go oh they were too heavy handed they should have treated this community better, it is not subtle. The show will likely say that the Jedi were directly responsible for the massacre, or that they allowed it to happen through neglect.

Fourthly, the final shot of the series will be the twins starting their own force coven on some distant, but no doubt desert like world, where both the light and the dark side of the force will be explored. They may even tie into the Grey Jedi in some way, no doubt the show will have the twins and the good padawans who will rise up against the lazy and corrupt Jedi and lecture them on how they are terrible and dooming the universe, go off and found the Grey Jedi order. I don’t think that would work in terms of lore or cannon but hey the show doesn’t care, also they have erased a lot of the Old Republic stuff so it probably doesn’t matter.

Fifthly, there will be more identity politics, this one isn’t so much a prediction for a scene or story thread but more a comment on the show overall. There has been talk that their will be a conversation about a creatures pronouns in episode 4, and no doubt we will have more of the characters turning to the camera to explain that they are they them and that sort of thing. I wouldn’t be too surprised if we got a Jodie Whittaker who esque to the camera speech about all the hate in the galaxy and how close minded people are after such a scene, though they may hide their actual topic behind the clumsy metaphor of the misunderstood and persecuted space witches.

Finally, and this one is just for me, I predict that this show will not get a season two, it will very much go the way of Book Of Boba Fett and Kenobi and be one and done, the fan backlash and the division it has caused is enough to make Lucasfilm see this is not a viable path that a majority of fans are into

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Lime and Vinegar

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two women, Yiseth Brendlinger and Dalma Llinas, come to clean a house and end up getting stuck there.

A lot of drama can be had from a film where characters are trapped in an enclosed space and are just forced to talk. In many senses far more can happen than in even the biggest superhero film and it is in that sense that this film really crosses between being at times a more light hearted affair and something more akin to a drama.

Both of the leading ladies do a terrific job in making you see them as real people, who are relatable and who you can see yourself in. It could be argued that with lesser actors this film would be less engaging as a lot hangs on their conversations and their chemistry with each other in order to make the film interesting, however, both actors are more than capable here and they really manage to enhance the film.

I found this film able to make me both laugh and feel which is a hard task, as to do one is easier but to do both is far more difficult.

Overall, it is a nice slice of life sort of film wherein your connection to the characters is key.

4.5/5

Pros.

It manages both drama and comedy well

The actors have good chemistry

You care about the characters

It is well paced

It is funny

Cons.

The start was a little slow

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The Acolyte Episode 3 Review: Star Wars Is Dead And Kathy Did It

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

We learn that the twins have abusive parents that want to control them and indoctrinate them. Yet the episode kind of feels like it wants us to root for them.

Lets start off this review by saying two things, firstly the Jedi did nothing wrong the force witch coven are abusive and controlling and want the twins to have no control over their lives they only tried to help the kids. Secondly, this will be my last review of the Acolyte as I’m done, with this show. However, if enough people want me to carry on I may do so. Never say never.

This is the episode that had been prophesied to ruin Star Wars and it did, and for what. So Leslie Headland could live out her fan fiction fantasy about a group of strong lesbian witches that don’t need no man trying to take down the evil patriarchal Jedi order, with a female master. You can almost feel in this show the amount of destain that Headland, a supposed fan, has for the Jedi and for Star Wars in general.

Now how did she ruin it, oh boy buckle up. Well remember how Anakin was immaculately conceived by the force and that is why he was so powerful and supposedly the chosen one, well here we learn that the twins were also born of the force so that basically destroys the whole idea of Anakin being the chosen one. Now some people have argued its not the same Anakin was made by the force itself, whereas here the witches use some magic to create them, therefore it is their creation not that of the force, yet the show knows what it is doing it is trying to undermine Anakin and the wider Star Wars universe because it knows that that story is better than the tripe they are peddling here.

Moreover, we continue to have no masculine heroes, I went some ways to talk about it before in my 1 and 2 review, but all the males here are just so passive and in no way cool, they are emotionless and just do as their told by the strong female characters. I understand wanting to have strong female characters, for the tiny female viewership they care about more than the overwhelmingly male one for some reason, but they couldn’t even give the show one interesting male character that has some agency and isn’t just weak.

The acting continues to be terrible across the board, nothing more needs to be said there.

Overall, I am fully convinced Disney wants to kill Star Wars.

Pros.

It is meme worthy

Cons.

It ruins the lore

It is dumb and needless

It is Headland’s personal fanfiction

The acting is awful

The lack of any non-passive male leads

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IF: A Sad And Upsetting Film That Is Certainly Not For Kids

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Children’s imaginary friends are real and live in an old folks home.

I originally wasn’t going to see this film because it stars Amy Schumer in a minor role, but then I went to the random movie night at my local cinema wherein they show a random new release to the audience and you don’t know what you are going to get and this is what I got. As I don’t go to any of the major UK chains often, this is what I do at my independent local cinema instead, if it sounds different to what you are used to. Could have left, but I thought hey I am at the cinema and sat down now so I’ll watch it.

This is not what you are expecting it to be, it is not some cutesy family film, or a laugh a minute comedy its actually incredibly sad and distressing. Think Bridge To Terabithia sad. The film is incredibly bleak at times and the film plays these moments rather earnestly, what’s more the ending that makes you question whether any of it was actually real or simply the girls means of coping with the fact she may become an orphan just makes it all hit far more. I liked that right at the end we got confirmation that it was all real and that the whimsey could win the day over a gritty and tragic tale of a little girl’s battle with mental illness to cope with what’s happened to her family.

Ryan Reynolds and Phoebe Waller-Bridge are the standouts amongst the cast with the former having some good funny moments and the latter having a lot of heart and emotion.

Overall, not the film that you have been sold, but instead something much more emotional and upsetting.

2.5/5

Pros.

It has some sweet moments

The story is interesting

It is a new idea

Cons.

It is depressing

The premise doesn’t go far enough and their isn’t enough variety in the IFs

It has been not properly marketed

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Cinema Issues: The Era Of The Virtue Signalling Celebrity

Written by Luke Barnes

In this cinema issues article we are talking about the era of the virtue signalling celebrity. As many of you may know my position is that celebrities should keep their politics to themselves, no one and I mean no one wants to hear about how a millionaire likely nepo baby thinks the world should be. To make matters worse a lot of the time these people either don’t know what they are talking about or are just reading from pre-prepared statements to try and say the right things to get people to give them praise for being progressive. It is never meant genuinely.

People say oh they are celebrities with a platform they should be championing social ideals and saying this is how society should be, but no, they are not politicians or community leaders they are actors people’s whose job it is to entertain not to moralise or tell you how to live you life.

The issue with things is everyone is afraid of being cancelled, everyone is worried if they don’t say the right thing, take the right position, they might get dropped or lose everything and in that position you don’t have real people anymore you have robots. People who are just going through the motions saying things and doing things simply because they have to.

We should not need to know actors politics, but if we have to their should be an equal balance of left and right wing people in Hollywood. There should never, in Hollywood or anywhere else, be one dominant group that tells the rest how they can think and what is correct thought and what is wrong thought that is inherently dystopian. Yet that is Hollywood, where there is one line to tread, and I think in many ways that is why you are seeing success coming from outside Hollywood and you are seeing people turn away from them, as people hate the Californian bubble.

It’s the fact that not only do these people think they are great and virtuous but it is the distain they have the fans or the watchers that really makes them insufferable as they look down on them and think that they are dirty little people who need to be made to think correctly.

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The Young Woman And The Sea: Hemingway Turns Over In His Grave

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Daisy Riddley needs something to do between filming commitments for more Star Wars content no one wants, so she made this film.

If I were the family of the person this is based on I would sue, that is how bad this is.

So the film details the first ever time a woman swam the English Channel, based on real events. In another timeline this could have been an inspirational tale of rising to the occasion, perseverance and never giving up on your dreams, but Disney has their hands on this. Due to Disney’s influence this film is full of the message that Bob Iger said they were walking away from, rather than focus on this heroic woman and her journey, which in and of itself is uplifting, progressive and inspiring, they have to force in a bunch of current year feminist theory that makes no sense in that time period. Some of the things they are talking about are so deeply out of place it makes you think did they just not even bother doing research for this film.

Daisy Riddley is fine, she cannot act and is mostly just looking slightly angry for most of the film, she is another student of the Alaqua Cox school of acting, but that is okay as for the scenes when she is swimming you cannot really see her face. For the sake of ease just think of her as a block of wood in the film that goes from point a to b.

As I said before, this tale deserved to be good, but Disney being Disney they had to run it into the ground and make it not only boring but also needlessly chocked full of identity politics.

Overall, there is a reason Disney say they are not bothered about the box office of this film and that is because they know no one will see it.

1/5

Pros.

It is almost too bad to be believed

Cons.

It is sanctimonious

It is boring

Ridley struggles

It is far too long

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The Strangers Chapter 1: Stay Out Of Small Town America

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young couple goes off to the woods and get chopped up by the Strangers.

Whilst I thought it was good to see a new film in the franchise I didn’t like that it was a soft reboot, it makes the previous too films feel less important now and I enjoyed those for what they were.

I think this is going to be what a lot of people are expecting. If you want a generic slasher film than this is the film for you, it’s the same old set up the couple make dumb mistakes whilst you scream how they’re dumb at the screen and then they get slashed. Nothing new. If you want something new and novel then this is not the film for you.

I thought it was interesting that the film tried to create more of a mythology around the Strangers themselves and create this whole creepy town to, that was a nice bit of worldbuilding that could be used to a much greater effect in the coming sequel.

Overall, a serviceable slasher film.

3/5

Pros.

It is what you would want it to be

The Strangers are always interesting

The worldbuilding

Cons.

It is dumb at times

The ending makes no sense

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Star Wars Is A Male Targeted Brand It Is Not Male Dominated

Written by Luke Barnes

In this cinema issues article we are talking about Star Wars, yes again, I know I am sorry. My inspiration to write this article came from quotes from Leslye Headland and Kathleen Kennedy about the Star Wars community and how it is toxic and male dominated.

I saw these comments and honestly I laughed, then I felt a little depressed. I think these comments from Kennedy a woman who arguably never ever got Star Wars and from Headland, a woman who keeps trying to convince you she is a Star Wars fan to appear down with the kids, whilst getting basic lore facts wrong, are infuriating. There is a trend amongst these shows that seem to want to take their properties and force in current era identity politics, I have talked about it with Doctor Who, and that is fan blaming. Basically, they make these shows that the fans don’t want and then rather than take any accountability for it they claim it’s the fans fault for not watching the trash they dole out to them.

One only needs to look at the stats for Star Wars to see it is a male franchise, whilst it is open to women, it is mainly men that watch these films and care about the brand. That is what makes the above comments so stupid and out of touch, not every franchise is equally for everyone, some lean more towards women and some towards men that is basic analytics. Yet, that doesn’t fly with what the creatives want, Kennedy has been trying to say Star Wars is a girl brand for years, Kennedy doesn’t understand her audience, you can see her with her force is female shirt for further reference. She doesn’t understand why the Mandalorian works, but the sequels didn’t.

Kennedy wants to push that this is a girl brand so she has a series like Obi-Wan where he is secondary in his own show to a new insert Inquisitor that no one cared about, it is obvious why this happened. The Acolyte with its heavy female cast is clearly trying to take aim at a female audience, and in doing that you have these attacking comments towards guys saying oh how bad the fandom is and how it is male dominated. This they are doing to pre-empt the backlash to the show, because they know it is bad, and they know fans won’t like it, so then the narrative becomes they are toxic. This show will not do well because unlike something like The Mandalorian that was for everyone,here you have a narrative that no this show is only for one type of fan and if you aren’t it don’t watch it.

It is shows like this which highlight why the Star Wars IP is in trouble

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Thelma The Unicorn: Netflix Just Doesn’t Care At This Point, They’ll Just Put Out Any Old Garbage

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A pony, voiced by Brittany Howard, decides to be a unicorn for reasons.

This is why Netflix will never be taken seriously as a film studio. This is why when the CEO is saying oh Barbie and Oppenheimer would have been just as big if they were released on Netflix no one believes him. Because for every good film Netflix puts out accidentally, there are 100 of these and films like Atlas, by that I mean utterly trash soulless pieces of garbage made as some sort of way to get a clever tax write off or maybe clean some cash, in my opinion.

So is there any heart or charm to this? Do you even need to ask me? Nope it is entirely soulless hollow 3D animation that looks just like everything else and that honestly for the amount of money Netflix likely put into this looks terrible.

The message of it is better to be yourself than be someone or something you are not is pretty on the nose here, I understand it is a kids film but you don’t have to treat the audience like they are dumb. Outside of that is there anything of good substance for your kids to mull over, or for you to mull over, not really there are some horrible references to things people over at Netflix think kids like, but it is all just the usual cringe.

Overall, if Netflix want to be taken seriously they need to cut production in half, they need to stop pumping out garbage all the time and take stock of what and who they have and try and retool anything they can’t cancel and cancel anything that is not locked down to try and turn these projects around. Netflix needs to start caring about quality over quantity.

1/5

Pros.

It is not offensively bad

Cons.

It is soulless

It is hollow

It is vapid

It message is obvious

It is ugly to look at

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Bad Boys 4: Keep My Captain’s Name Out Your Damn Mouth

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Will Smith and his partner are back fighting crime and slapping men who make jokes about their wives.

Honestly this is Smith’s first major role post slap and I was wondering if they were going to address it, I thought he might defeat the villain by slapping him and then he looks into the camera and nods so that in that moment the audience and Smith are on the same page. No such luck I am afraid.

Personally maybe this is just me, but with everything we know about Smith’s personal life now I find it hard to take him seriously as an action star. I understand this is supposed to be comedy action but I just find it hard to see him in the same light post the smack and since all the stuff with his wife’s affair.

I feel like this film is in a weird sort of limbo as it acts very much like the last film, and is basically just more of the same, but at the same time it seems to know things are different than they were when the last one came out culturally in relation to Smith. I think that if you liked the last film you will like this.

In many senses this film doesn’t feel like it needs to exist it is more just there. The story is okay and it is interesting to consider them as fugitives rather than cops, but it all just feels very done before. Ultimately you know it will end with them defeating the bad guy and clearing themselves and as such there are no real stakes here.

Some of the jokes are funny and there is some fun to be had, but there are also some really unfunny ones and the film repeats these over and over.

Overall, fine nothing more nothing less. Wait till streaming.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is funny

It is watchable

It has some good moments

Cons.

Will Smith isn’t really an action star any more

It repeats unfunny jokes

It doesn’t need to exist

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