The Toxic Avenger: Dinklage Says Little People Can’t Play Dwarfs But They Can Play Monsters.

Peter Dinklage doesn’t like little people playing dwarfs in fantasy films but he is fine with them being shown as mutant freaks. The many contradictions of a man who’s career ceased to exist with Game Of Thrones.

There is so much wrong with this film it is hard to know where to start. Firstly, it feels like it was written by current day James Gunn, and that is not a compliment. In that I mean that it feels like it was written by a teen boy, with all the juvenile humour that entails but also one that was off the current masculinity, who wants his male characters in skirts. There are multiple scenes of characters getting their genitals punched through or torn off, because that’s funny right, and then the character will likely make some kind of off colour joke to try and make it even more funny, but none of this works. The film wants you so desperately to think it is funny and cool, but it is neither. It is try hard.

There is a scene in the film wherein Dinklage’s Toxic Avenger saves a group of people who are at a restaurant taking hostages and why are they doing it because they are angry about DEI. That is how basic and simplistic this film views the world, oh do you not like wearing nail polish and skirts, do you have an issue when meritocracy isn’t employed then you’re some cartoonishly evil and stupid antagonist that deserves to die.

Overall, this film shows that Hollywood hates vast parts of the audience.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

Dinklage is awful

It is cringe

It is hateful

It is gross out for the sake of it

It feels like it was written by current day James Gunn

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War Of The Worlds: Ice Cube Whores It For Amazon

Summary

Ice Cube sells out.

So what can be said about this film that has not already been said?

A lot of people are enjoying mocking this film for being bad, and in a sense almost suggesting people watch it as a so bad it is good film, however, this must not be done. By sending people to Amazon to watch this because it is so bad it is good, Amazon will see they can get views out of garbage like this and keep doing it.

This film reeked to me of two key things, contractual obligations and a tax write off. I think everyone involved with this new where it was going, and I think having all the product placement in this film was done as a way to turn a turd into something that could still bring in some money for Amazon. Why else would they have long scenes where Ice Cube uses Amazon.Com to buy things? For the contractual obligations I am presenting an out for Ice Cube, as whilst he likely just did this for the money, there is also the chance that he had to do this film out of some sort of obligation to Amazon/

I would like to think the lampooning of this film means that the era of sat at a computer opening windows sort of filmmaking is over. That we may yet be spared more films like Unfriended, as this seems like the sort of film that kills a sub-genre stone dead. In many senses this is a Madame Web sort of film, but unlike that film Amazon knew what they were doing here.

Overall, trash that you shouldn’t even watch to see if it is as bad as everyone says.

0.5/5

Pros.

It allows you to see how creatively bankrupt Amazon is

Cons.

It is poorly acted

The product placement

It is badly paced

It is boring

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Return Of The Jedi: More Like Return Of The Ewoks

Summary

The second best of the original trilogy.

Now whilst I know a lot of people have mixed feelings about this film, not Sequel trilogy levels of negativity, but still. However, for me I enjoyed this more than A New Hope, this was really because I enjoyed the idea of seeing the Rebellion at its hight and getting to spend more time with it, rather than seeing them on the back foot. This feels closer to the Star Wars projects I most gel with which is to say books/games/tv shows/ films wherein you are following a grunt in the trenches and you are seeing these almost fantastical wars, and the tactics of them, rather than more from the Skywalker saga.

Another thing I appreciate about this film is how the other elements from the previous two films come together in a way that feels satisfying and that feels truly like a galaxy fighting back. I also really liked the arc of Darth Vader and his internal conflict at the end of the film wherein he finally becomes redeemed. Do I think this film would have hit as hard at the time? No. I think watching it after watching the Prequels and the animated series and knowing how Anakin is as a character adds an extra dimension.

Do the Ewoks get too much screentime to sell toys to kids? Yes of course, but for me I didn’t mind that, I liked the Ewoks for the most part.

Overall, it is good and a hell of a lot better than the Sequel films however, it doesn’t feel as gritty as Empire and for me that places it in a solid second place.

3.5/5

Pros.

More time with the rebellion

A grander scale

It feels like something special

Getting to see the best from each character

Cons.

It wouldn’t be as good if you did not know much about Anakin as a character

The CGI is ropey at times

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Megan Two: Hold Onto Your Vagina Ladies

Summary

Grab onto your vaginas ladies, the quotable line that never gets old and one that sealed the death of Blumhouse.

Honestly, this film had flop written all over it in capital letters, the first film was a meme film and really did not need a sequel, it captured a moment in time and you could not do that twice. The first film was not even very good but at least it had some idea of its identity.

This film is not terrible there are plenty of worse films that you can see right now at your local multiplex, however, the central issue with it is that it does not know what it wants to be. Does it want to be an action film, a comedy, a science fiction film, these are all the things it tries its hand at yet never sticks with.

One thing that is for sure is that this film has long ago abandoned being a horror film, yes there are some gnarly moments but by and large there are no scares, and Meghan is now a full on good guy who is prepared to sacrifice herself, like Christ, to save the day. She even sings comforting songs now. I don’t know who at Blumhouse thought this was a good idea but they probably shouldn’t have a job anymore.

Some of the jokes are funny, and Jermaine Clement is always a welcome presence on-screen, but probably the best moment of the film is where they try and replicate the meme dancing from the first film, with a new dance sequence for Tik Tok. It has that same oh look they are doing the thing vibe you would want whilst they are doing something new.

Overall, a watchable action comedy film.

2.5

Pros.

It has a few funny lines

The dancing

Jermaine Clement

Cons.

It is tonally all over the place

It is not a horror film

It has pacing problems

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The Secret Life Of Chuck: A Surprising Amount Of Dancing

Summary

A man, Tom Hiddleston, learns to seize the day.

This may be one of the best releases of this summer. Not only is it an effective story in the sense that it is both emotionally uplifting but it also manages to disconcert and have just enough under the skin to give you a chill on the way out.

I was not prepared for the number of dance sequences that were going to be in this film, surprisingly there were several long sequences, however, don’t let that put you off the science fiction mystery of what is going on and what is real and what isn’t is more than enough to give film life. In a sense this film reminded me a lot of The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty, and I do mean that to be a positive comparison.

Overall this is a weird and strange film, it is not a comedy, nor is it a horror film, it has science fiction elements but also long dance sequences it is an eclectic film and one that will no doubt have a Marmite like appeal, for our US friends that means you’ll either love it or you’ll hate it.

4/5

Pros.

The mystery

It is fun

You care about the characters

The world is fantastic and dense

Cons.

It makes things too blunt a little more ambiguity would have been better

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Jurassic World Rebirth: Anti-Capitalistic Dinosaurs

Summary

Universal just can’t let any of their franchises end.

So we are back with another group of people going to an island to see Dinosaurs but guess what things get out of hand. You haven’t seen anything like that before right?

Honestly it is just a little sad now that things have gotten so bad for the Jurassic franchise that they can’t even make real dinosaurs like the T-Rex interesting anymore and have to use mutants. This started under Pratt but continues here and is arguably played up even more.

The plot idea of needing samples for a cure for heart disease which the gang then decide to sell without a patent because capitalism is bad, is not just nonsensical and dumb but it is the sort of thing in the future that scientists will look back on and go this was why the kids were so dumb. It is probably literal brain rot.

Overall, it is not just slop, it is depressing slop.

1.5/5

Pros.

It has some good kills

You cheer when the humans get eaten

Cons.

It is brain rot

It shows that people don’t love dinosaurs anymore just big kaiju esque monsters

It is depressing

Scarlett Johansson is clearly there for the money

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Lilo And Stitch: Disney Hates Families

Summary

The story of an alien that comes to earth and befriends a girl that needs a friend, that you have all seen before.

I had never seen the original animated version of this film until recently, I rented it to give back to the animators before seeing this version which I feel hurts animation broadly and which if I wasn’t reviewing I would not see.

So I have to say that this film much like How To Train Your Dragons made changes to the original animated version that I did not like. Namely the fact that the sister leaves at the end, and yes this is done with the little girl’s blessing, but it goes against the whole point of the film which is that families stay together. Of course this is a Disney film in the current year so that idea could not be allowed to stick around, the film even directly address the no one left behind line in order to justify her leaving, and this just feels like they are drawing more attention to the problem.

I have to say the little girl herself is very heart warming and sweet, and she alone is why this film doesn’t get a lower score, even if it doesn’t justify it’s existence. Much like with How To Train Your Dragons what these live action remakes come to be is just poorer versions of the animated originals, with modern changes to make them worse.

The trend of live action remakes really need to end.

Overall, a live action remake that doesn’t need to exist.

2/5

Pros.

A charming child

It has some good emotional beats, which hit almost as well as the film

Cons.

It doesn’t justify its existence

The changes regarding the ending

Missing characters

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Elio: The Death Of Pixar

Summary

Pixar’s latest is yet another effort in emotionally manipulative story telling.

Gone are the days wherein Pixar had charm and wit, in are the days of therapy speak and finding the idea of a mother-son bond ‘just a bit too much’. For reference the creatives behind this film found the idea of Elio, Yonas Kibreab, being the child of a single mother to be too much and instead needed to have it be an aunt-child dynamic. Why is that? Why is so much of modern Hollywood afraid to show good parent child dynamics, or even nuclear families, it is starting to reach a distractable peak now.

Great science fiction often plays on the cool ideas of meeting aliens, the new technology, the things we might learn about ourselves etc, but not this film instead we have an incredibly boring film about intergalactic politics told in a way so dumbed down that a paper bag could understand it.

Good family films can be made in such a way wherein every member of the family can find something to enjoy in it, but this film is just low effort garbage, that treats audiences young and old alike as fools.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The aunt-son thing feels forced

None of the characters are likable

The therapy speak

It is not fun.

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Andor Second Season Overview: Rape In Space, ICE, and Unfortunate Comments from Diego Luna

Summary

Andor returns for an incredibly slow second season.

In many ways this entire second season was a step back from the first, there was less action, less character development and even more things left open-ended.

The final arc of the second season wherein we were seeing more of the Partisans on the earlier rebellion should have been the main focus of this season, but instead we got wild weddings, an ICE allegory and far too many scenes of Syril’s mother. The first two arcs were boring filler that really added very little to the overall season. How was seeing Mon Mothma dancing for well over 5 minutes in any way necessary to understand the early rebellion. Gilroy has gone on to say that Kathleen Kennedy fought for him to have his vision but maybe just maybe this is one of those times she should have intervened.

Showing the Ghorman Massacre was interesting and probably the high point of the season but again this was far too drawn out with about 5 episodes leading up to the actual massacre. The pacing of this show is really what kills it for me in many ways. Likewise I thought the finale arc mainly revolving around Luthen’s assistant was a weird move as it prevented us getting closure with seemingly much more important characters in the narrative.

Overall, it is watchable but the pace is so bad it will send you to sleep.

2/5

Pro.

The Ghorman Massacre

Some of the earlier Rebellion stuff

Cons.

The pacing

The unanswered questions

Too many side characters

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Doctor Who Robot Revolution: The Stunning and Brave Adventures of Doctor Babes and Space Karen

Summary

Russell T. Davies is so horribly insecure that he needed to make the second season of his new Who run open with an episode aimed at owning his critics.

I have said many times I don’t want to cover the show and generally I don’t but after seeing some unexpected sources calling it preachy I couldn’t resist seeing it. Don’t worry for my mental health folks I won’t make a habit of watching the show and this will be the only episode covered. I might write a Cinema Issues post if the series gets cancelled and with ratings like these and RTD talking about the show going away for years or being paused it sure seems like I’ll get to write that.

What is there to say about the new episode, well Doctor Babes cries, shocker I know. It was the same old same old crying, dancing, lacking any form of masculinity, but now he has a new companion that I have affectionately called Space Karen. She of course is a girl boss woman of colour who won’t let the already passive and submissive Doctor get away with anything and already thinks she knows better than him, because she is a woman. As you can imagine she is insufferable from the get-go and this only gets worse as it goes on.

Space Karen gets the episode’s worst and possibly best line about them being on a planet of incels. It is funny that even with all the private education in the Doctor Who writers room they don’t actually know what the term means and just use it as a way to say men they don’t like. Of course this is also a double whammy as it is RTD getting to try and own his critics and call them names through his show, as he hasn’t realised yet that unless they have to for some reason, like writing reviews, don’t watch it anymore.

They try and push some cutesy robot stuff that might entertain you if you’re 5 or have the mind of a 5 year old as most of the fans of the current run do, but it is meaningless.

Overall, more of Doctor Babes being fabulous but now with a new friend Space Karen to scream at him for being born male this regeneration, geez I wonder why folks aren’t watching BBC. At this point the show died a long time ago and what is happening now is RTD in his sick and perverted way is doing a Weekend at Bernies style situation with the corpse in order to cash his check from Disney

0/5

Pros.

None.

Cons

What even is this anymore, this is a sick defilement of a once beloved franchise, there is so much wrong with it that I am going to break from conventions and not write a cons list, the whole thing is a con.

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