Mr Harrigan’s Phone: Just What You Needed Some More Apple Product Placement

Summary

A teen, played by Jaeden Martell, communes with his recently deceased billionaire pal, played by Donald Sutherland, through a phone with not so surprising horrifying results.

Lets get one thing perfectly clear at the start of this review, this film is not a horror film. It doesn’t matter how the trailer makes it look, or how Netflix categorises it, it simply isn’t a horror film. There is nothing remotely scary about this film, yes the ghost kills two people that Martell’s character asks him to, that’s it, we never see the ghost, the kills happen fairly off screen, and the film can’t even seem to manage a jump scare. It is silly that this film is being put out there under the horror genre because it really doesn’t belong there, however, on this topic I have a theory as to why this is happening.

I believe that the reason this film is presented as a horror film is because if it was presented as what it is, a coming of age film, then a lot less people would have bothered checking it out, as I imagine the possible audience for coming of age fare is less than horror. Also Netflix needed this film to be a horror so that it would fit its pre Halloween line up. I think the saddest part of it is that this film isn’t even a very good coming of age film, when you compare it to something like Ladybird or The Edge Of Seventeen you see that this film is just the same festering and pungent teen cliches and tropes rewarmed and with a horror label to try and cover the creative rot.

The only good thing I have to say about it is that the few scenes with Donald Sutherland in them are good, Sutherland still has it and he puts everyone else in this film to shame.

Overall, yet another flop for Netflix, when will they ever learn the lessons of quality vs quantity.

1.5/5

Pros.

Donald Sutherland

An interesting premise that is quickly wasted

Cons.

It isn’t a horror film in any sense

As a coming of age film it is lazy and overly familiar

Martell is awful

It is tedious

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Babylon: Hollywood’s Continued Love Affair With Itself

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The lives of a group of actors, writers, and others involved in the films industry are forever changed as Hollywood leaves the silent era.

I think this film is at its best when it is going wild, whether that is the hedonistic dance number or Tobey McGuire covering his face in grease paint. When it loses track of the wider points it is trying to make about chasing stardom and your dreams never turning out to be what you want them to be, all of which have been made before and in a much more nuance and layered way that this film, the film is fun. The grotesque spectacle of Hollywood as a playground for broken millionaires does have some mileage, and that is why the party scenes are the highlight of the film.

I think personally, this is one of Chazelle’s most accessible films for me and the only one outside of Whiplash that I could really ever get into. This again was more a result of the gross levels of debauchery and ideocracy that you can’t help but stare at then as a result of the plot. For the most part the narrative of the film is fairly aimless and tries to be insightful whilst going through the motions, all the while you are just counting down the moments to the next manic burst of energy that you know is coming.

Margot Robbie tries her best to anchor the film and keep it afloat but struggles, however, I don’t really think any of the actors in this film would be strong enough to carry it on their backs. Even veterans like Brad Pitt can light up the screen for a few scenes but are then quickly put back in their box as the film doesn’t know what to do with them. Diego Cava’s Manny is a serviceable and likeable protagonist but there isn’t enough fresh about him to really make him stand out against the likes of Robbie, Pitt and a greased up McGuire.

Finally, though no one is watching this film for a history lesson I would be remiss not to point out that by all accounts the version of Hollywood this film portrays is not only not accurate in a historical sense but is also incredibly and I do mean incredibly sanitised. Any notions of racism, sexism or predatory sexual practice, all of which we know would likely have been fairly common at the time are conveniently left out so Hollywood can fetishize its early days and blow more hot air up itself.

Overall, fun when viewed for the wild spectacle and silliness, but when things turn serious the film begins to crack.

3/5

Pros.

Everything about Toby McGuire’s role

It can be a lot of fun

It is fairly well paced for the epic that it tries to be

Cons.

It sanitises and rewrites history on a number of things

It has nothing new or insightful to say yet thinks it does

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Shotgun Wedding: Get Those Divorce Papers Ready

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Tom, played by Josh Duhamel, and Darcy, played by Jenifer Lopez, have their wedding taken over by terrorists and must work together to try and overcome them.

This is watchable yet entirely forgettable. Honestly, this kind of action comedy is nothing new and has been done many times before. Sadly, in the long history of newly weds teaming up to take down armed bad guys this film isn’t high up on the list.

The main reason for this is because of how tame it is. In almost every regard this film feels like it is holding back, be it in the gore and the violence, the swearing or even in the relationship drama. No couple I have ever met interacts like these two, the way they talk and generally just are around each other feels off and oddly formal at times. It would be an understatement to say that Lopez and Duhamel have no chemistry if anything I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes out over the next few years that the two of them hated each other whilst making this.

Overall, this is the sort of lazy film that reminds you that Hollywood, in this case Amazon, think they can just serve audiences with any old trash and that we will just happily consume it. Well I for one will spit out this rancid meal and will call out Amazon for this, consumers deserve better.

1/5

Pros.

It is not offensively bad

Cons.

It is tedious

It didn’t need to be made

It has no charm

It is horribly paced

The leads are both awful

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Sweet Home Alabama: Evangelist Propaganda

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A New York based fashion designer, played by Reece Witherspoon, travels back home to yes you guessed it Alabama to try and get divorced from her husband, played by Josh Lucas, so she can marry her new beau, played by Patrick Dempsey.

I put this on as it is February, the month of rom-coms, and after looking up non-toxic rom-coms I was fairly sure this was going to be a wholesome classic. Deary me how wrong I was, this film like many others in the genre is quite hard to watch and teaches some pretty bad lessons. These include but are not limited to, hey kids you should leave your life and dream job so you can move back to your home town and get with your ex, if you have a romantic moment as a child with one of your friends that means they are your soulmate forever, and finally when acting out it is perfectly okay to out your LGBTQ+ friend to everyone in town. That’s a big yikes.

Moreover, as the film progresses not only does Witherspoon’s character become more and more unlikeable, but also you begin to question why she is doing what she is doing. Clearly her and her ex have problems, clearly they are badly suited to each other yet they end up together because the film wants them to as it perpetuates myths. In many senses it is plain to see that Witherspoon’s character would have been better off with Dempsey’s character yet the film doesn’t allow that to happen as it would rather push the cliched destiny angle and suggest that women should stay with their exs because you never know they might change.

Overall, watchable yet fairly troubling.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a few funny moments

Cons.

It has some really poor messages

Witherspoon’s character is fairly unlikable

The central romance of the film doesn’t work on a number of levels

It has pacing issues

Plane: Plummeting To The Ground In More Than One Sense

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Gerard Butler is a pilot who must face off against violent insurgents after his plane goes down.

Meh.

I could really leave the review there as there isn’t much more to say. It is a perfectly serviceable action film but nothing more. For anyone hoping for a do-over of Olympus Has Fallen this is nowhere near that level, nor is it near the levels of awfulness that make something like God’s Of Egypt fun. It is exactly what you would expect it to be and that is why it is so disappointing.

Perhaps the only thing of note that is positive about this film is the fact that Butler gets to go fully Scottish and let his accent come out which is nice as his barely faux American accents were starting to get grating. In terms of his performance Butler is as he ever is here, if you have ever seen one of his films then you know what that entails. There is a scene in which one of Butlers character’s passengers gets killed and he throws himself around and looks emotional whilst in the arms of Mike Coulter’s character, that I suppose could count as Butler trying to do some acting here but even then it is still fairly thin.

In terms of Mike Coulter if he thought this was going to be his breakout action role, in a post Luke Cage sphere, then he was sorely mistaken. His character is really more of a prop, being there to service Butler’s character and the plot, being whatever it needs him to be. It is strange that the script never really addresses the crime his character was accused of doing beyond stating it once, they set up a whole narrative that never comes to anything at all. To his credit Coulter’s incredibly limited performance makes Butler look like he deserves an Oscar so if nothing else I am sure Butler is thanking him.

Overall, not campy enough to be fun and too formulaic and familiar to be interesting.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

Some of the CGI is hilariously bad

It is short

Cons.

The performances are awful

The script feels like it is copied and pasted from many other action films with barely anything unique to it

It never addresses Coulters character’s backstory

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You People: Offensive To Almost Everyone Involved, And Those Of Us Who Sit Through It

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A Jewish man, played by Jonah Hill, and an African-American woman, played by Lauren London, begin dating, yet because it is a tiresome rom-com their families have to get in the way.

This film feels so outdated and out of touch, honestly this whole shtick might have worked when it was done in Meet The Parents all those years ago, but nowadays I don’t know anyone who needs to get their significant others parent’s permission to marry, it seems like something that belongs in another century.

Moreover, the heavy handed social commentary which seems to infest almost every line of this film is again outdated, it has nothing new to say and worse yet in some of its points on race the film comes dangerously close to overly simplifying and using generalisations, truly within this film nuance is dead.

The comedy is mostly misses, a lot of the social commentary based jokes don’t land and are so unbearably cringe that they make you want to turn the film off and put anything else on. To further that point, Julia Louise-Dryfus’ whole character is so one note that it makes you want to skip every scene she is in.

The only reason I haven’t given this film 0 is because Eddie Murphy does bring the laughs and does to a limited degree manage to prop this film up. Also Kenya Barris has a great cameo that really made me laugh.

Overall, this film is cringey and out of touch, but that is what happens when privileged Hollywood starts talking about race.

1.5/5

Pros.

Murphy

Barris

Cons.

The social commentary isn’t good and borders on generalisations at times

The comedy is the wrong kind of cringe

It is outdated and has nothing fresh to say

It has major pacing issues

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Teen Wolf The Movie: TV Magic Cannot Hold Up When Compared To The Cinematic

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Teen Wolf is resurrected.

I will preface this review by saying when it was airing I was a massive Teen Wolf fan, the first few series were terrific and yes it did fall off quite a bit by the end but it still had its moments and I thought that the ending it had was fitting and meaningful. When I saw this film announced I was trepidatious, I didn’t think it needed to exist but then they said they were bringing back Alison, played by Crystal Reed, and my romantic heart was excited that her and Scott, played by Tyler Posey, could finally get their happy ending. Little did I know I was right on both accounts.

Fundamentally, the issue with this film is that it doesn’t need to and probably shouldn’t exist. It adds very little to the ending of the series, bar a tease at the end for a new series with younger characters. In many ways the film feels like it is bringing back everyone it can from the series and just throwing them at you to be like, remember this character how about this character, they even do this with the villain. It is a boon for the film that it brings back the best villain the show ever had and that does score it some points in my opinion, but again it doesn’t really do anything with them it just does it for the nostalgia.

It is good to have Reed back as Alison, but the issue here is that she doesn’t come back until a good ways into the film, and when she does she doesn’t do much at all. Again I question whether her return was more nostalgia baiting to try and lure fans back.

I do think the film is a lot worse off for not having Dylan O’Brien and Arden Cho return there absence is felt and in a sense the script for the film seems to be constantly bringing it up and being almost remorseful for their absence, it too wishing they were here.

Overall, in the end Scott and Alison did get their happy ending, but did we really need it? This film does nothing to move the franchise forward from where the series ended and instead feels like a highlights reel of all your favourite characters and monsters with some glaring omissions.

2.5/5

Pros.

I am torn on how they ended things with Derek, I both like it but also don’t

It is nice to see almost everyone again

It has some good moments

Cons.

The pace is awful

It doesn’t justify its existence

The TV esque effects really don’t work when things are supposed to be cinematic

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Unwelcome: Outdoor Liver At Sundown

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young couple move to Ireland and run into the strange local legend of the Redcaps.

This film was depressing, clearly it was designed to be a comedy horror but like many that have come before it and many that will come after the film cannot marry its two tones well. For the most part I found this film to be incredibly grim and depressing, it made both London and Ireland look like absolute hellholes populated by thugs and pervs, this was then off set by the comical Redcaps which feel like the evil gremlins, from the film of the same name, turned up to just slightly more sinister.

The Redcaps themselves are what saved this film for me, as otherwise I would have given it even lower. I liked that they seemed to be puppets and were not CGI monstrosities, moreover I enjoyed how they interacted with the characters and the battle scene featuring them had some great moments.

In terms of the human characters other than Hannah John-Kamen’s lead everyone else was unlikeable in the max. Douglas Booth, who played John-Kamen’s boyfriend, is toxic in the extreme and is also pretty pathetic, he flies off the handle into a rage constantly and when he is actually faced with a dangerous situation he abandons his wife and starts to cry rather than defend her. Honestly Booth’s character was incredibly off putting.

Overall, fun little creatures and I am glad they weren’t CGI, but the film as a whole doesn’t get its tone right and is manically depressing and the lead male character is repulsive in many ways so much so that his scenes are hard to watch.

2/5

Pros.

The Redcaps

It is watchable

Cons.

It is manically depressing

Booth’s character is awful

The tone is all over the place

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Papadopoulos And Sons: The Chip Shop At The Beating Heart Of The Family

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A Greek Business titan, played by Stephen Dillane, is brought low and must go back to his roots and in doing so he finds his spark for life all over again.

I thought that this film did what British films do best it brought out both the pains and the triumphs of everyday life and reflected that on screen. There is something very human in British cinema that American cinema often lacks for one reason or another, it dwells more in the overly fantastic than the real for one.

I also thought that Dillane and Georges Corraface were both fantastic and played off each other well. I thought they were very believable as brothers, especially as estranged brothers, and I thought the final scene towards the end of the film hit with a hell of a punch because of this.

The one thing I will say of the film that maybe could be viewed as a criticism is that it struggles to match the comedy with the drama and leans far more into the latter. The final third of the film is quite the gut punch and the laughs here and there aren’t really enough to balance it out, so tonally things start to come unstuck by the end.

Overall, a bittersweet film that hits mostly all the right cords.

4/5

Pros.

The emotion

Dillane

Corraface

The message of the film

Cons.

A little light on laughs and at times fairly depressing

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The Drop: Get Some Better Friends

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A cringe comedy following the events covering and following a woman, played by Anna Konkle, who drops a baby.

I am a fan of Sarah Adina Smith as a director, I think her film Midnight Swim is powerful in the way a lot of films wish they can be, however, I think this film is beneath her talents and feels like a big step back when compared to her other films.

The main issue with this film is that as a cringe comedy it just doesn’t work, though it has some good cringe moments for the most part it isn’t cringe enough and the rest of the comedy doesn’t land. A lot of the characters are unlikeable, but that doesn’t make them funny even in a cringe comedy sense, but it does make a lot of their scenes unbearable.

Moreover, the commentary on women and babies feels several years out of date, what this films presents as strong statements and new suggestions about maternity have almost all been made before. The ending realisation that some women don’t want kids and that is okay isn’t new and it doesn’t feel challenging or praise worthy for the film to say it, you are left saying ‘yes and’, it needs to go further if it wants to commit to the social commentary.

Overall, it’s watchable but a big step back from Smith.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

The teenager character has a few funny lines

Cons.

The social commentary doesn’t go far enough

The cringe comedy doesn’t work

It all feels very played out

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