Killers Of The Flower Moon: Hours Of Your Life You Aren’t Getting Back

Summary

A long and pretentious trip to the cinema that leaves you with cramps.

I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this one, hell its up for best picture as I write this, but I just thought that this was a Scorsese film that just didn’t hit the way you would want it to. Maybe it is because I just found it quite hard to connect to I don’t know but I found this film to be a slog.

I think my main issue with this and the Irishman is that they feel so indulgent and yes you can make the argument he has been making masterpieces for a long time doesn’t he deserve a victory lap but I think if anything he is risking his legacy by making these projects. There was a lot of stuff in this film that could easily have been cut and it would have been just as good if not better, I think this film is done a disservice being as long as it is.

The performances are all fine, they aren’t bad it is just it feels like it is awards bait the whole film suffers from that and as such just isn’t fun to watch.

Overall, overly long and damaging to the legacy of a great director

2/5

Pros.

It has an interesting premise

Robert De Niro is good

Cons.

A lot of the performances and the film itself feels like awards bait

It is pretentious and self-indulgent

It is far too long

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Madame Web: Sony Hates Spider-Man But Not As Much As They Hate Making Money

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Cassie Web, Dakota Johnson, learns that the greatest responsibility brings the greatest power, or some knock off trash like that.

Honestly was this film a joke? Is Tom Rothman so stupid, out of touch and delusional that he thinks this is what is studio should be making? This is why Sony is the butt of the joke to every comics fan.

I am going to obliterate this movie as it is what it deserves, but first to the pros, slim though they are. I actually liked Adam Scott as Ben Parker, and I thought Dakota Johnson was a likeable protagonist, that is it.

So the three other spider-women are barely even husks of characters, they are just bland character types. You could argue Sony included all these spider-women for one of two reasons, either they wanted them for the male gaze this is reflected by the table dancing scene, however, if this is the case they would have made their outfits more revealing. Or they wanted them in a diversity check box sort of way to add to the themes of female empowerment. The film tried to make itself the most empowering it could be but honestly it just comes off as a bunch of white male executives mind mapping the word girl power and then being like yes cats, loneliness and awkward people skills. Also you could call it false advertising that at no point do any of the spider-teens get powers but hey ho.

Then you have the awful product placement that shows that Sony does not care about the Spider-Man brand and will just whore it out for cash wherever they can. A supposed self-respecting studio has its villain killed as a giant Pepsi sign falls on him, it is just gross and it shows that they don’t care about the movie beyond them getting paid.

Then you have the villain, Tahar Rahim, who has all his lines dubbed over for some reason, and is stupidly over powered to such a point that it makes no sense he can’t easily kill them all. The character has no real motivation beyond he’s evil and scared of his dreams and so needs to kill some people, quality writing.

Moreover, the jungle spider-people are dumb, the effect of them coming down the trees like it is some sort of horror film is overused, and I have read many a Spider-Man comic book and I have never heard of these guys before I think they were made up for the film which makes them worse.

Oh and remember no one can say the name of Peter Parker because Sony doesn’t want to taint its good properties with this garbage.

Overall, one of the biggest misfires in comic book movie history.

1/5

Pros.

Andrew Scott and Dakota Johnson

Cons.

It is stupid and makes no sense

It actively ruins the Spider-Man mythology

The spider-teens are false advertising and shallow husks of characters devoid of anything resembling personality

The product placement

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Argylle: The Matthew Vaughn Formula Has Gone Bad

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A best selling novelist, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, finds herself at the centre of a spy mystery.

I like Matthew Vaughn, his style, even his second Kingsman film, but I didn’t like this.

I had two major issues with the film. Firstly, I thought it felt tame, the violence was bloodless and secondly I thought the twist was incredibly obvious. I think for me the worst moment of the film was the big final battle at the end when rather than having a bloody shootout which is what you want out of an action film you have instead bright colours and smoke and they are dancing and shooting and you just go who is this for? Meanwhile the twist that Bryce Dallas Howard is in fact agent Argyll was so on the nose that you could have guessed it blind without having ever seen the trailer.

My pros of the film come with the fact that the cast is good and likeable and you do like the characters even if the story itself is played out and repetitive. I think Bryce Dallas Howard did a good job leading the film and that Sam Rockwell and Henry Cavill where good in their supporting roles.

Overall, this film deeply misunderstood its audience its all very well doing a spy spoof film but people still want to see bloody gory violence and not a colourful dance number.

2.5/5

Pros.

Howard

The wider supporting cast

It is very watchable

Cons.

The mystery is obvious

It has been done better before

It feels incredibly tame

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Migration: Dancing Ducks And Outdated Memes

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A family of ducks go on a cross country migration

This was a deeply average animated movie, nothing happened that you couldn’t guess from the trailer and it was mind-numbingly stupid. Before you cry out but this is a movie for kids, sure but films like Toy Story and hell even Super Mario had good enough writing that you could enjoy it whilst being an adult there was a cleverness, not so here.

What I found odd and perhaps irritating about this film was its desire to repeat jokes, a repeated joke in a kids animated film is not unusual, but this film doesn’t just repeat one or two jokes it is like say 7 or 8 jokes that it reuses over and over and because it’s a large amount by the end of the film there are no new jokes just repeated ones. Moreover, this film is incredibly dependent on outdated memes and pop culture moments that horribly date the film. Remember Salt Bae? Remember when the salt sprinkle meme was a thing? This film sure does and it bases the villain of the piece around him because that is a thing that will still be relevant with folks today let alone kids.

The moral lessons of this film are fairly insipid, it’s the same old same old about going outside your comfort zone, and if a girl talks to you once then you must fly across the world to catch up to her because clearly she is your soulmate. Maybe I am overthinking a kids film but I just think that there are much better animated films that teach these same lessons.

Overall, if you want a film about ducks dancing and a lot of references to outdated memes then this is the one for you, if you want anything else not so much.

2/5

Pros.

David Mitchell is in this that a massive pro for me

It is fun to laugh at it

Cons.

It is boring

It has a generic message

None of the characters, except the little sister duck are likeable

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Baghead: Pubs Are Bad Investments

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young woman, Freya Allen, inherits a pub with a witch living in the basement.

This film has a number of things going for it in my mind, firstly the lore surrounding the witch and how she came to be there and the secret society around it is interesting, secondly the witch does manage to have some good scary moments that aren’t reliant on jump scares and finally that they stick to a dark and troubling ending. I think all three of these things make this film feel fresh and draw you in, which is a strong pro for an early in the year horror film.

However, where this film is hurt is in it’s casting. So before I go on to slate Allen I want to state that the script doesn’t give her much to work with and that her character has a terrible backstory, with the film itself making no effort to make her seem like an actual person or get you to care about her. Now with that said her performance is bad, in many senses it feels like a film project you might see out of a film school rather than an actual production, the acting feels like students who are just trying it for the first time and so have no presence. What makes matters worse is that she has a private school esque British accent despite supposedly growing up in care and having a hard knock life, either the script neglected to mention that her foster parents sent her to private school or Allen can’t do another accent as The Witcher also proved.

Overall, I am left thinking what this film could have been if they had cast someone else who was better at acting, it has good ideas and could really have been something.

3/5

Pros.

The ending

The scares

The mythology of the world

Cons.

Allen is awful

The pacing is off

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Poor Things: A Pearl Clutchers Worst Nightmare

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A woman, Emma Stone, with a child like mind is reintroduced to the world and to herself.

This may easily be one of the best films of 2024 so far. Now you have to separate out the fact that if you think about the brass tax of some of the things that happen in this movie there is quite a gross undertone to it, these elements can prove problematic if you can’t separate yourself from it. Essentially this woman with the mind of a child is sexual, this is more as her mind moves into adolescence and her teen years but still she is not fully with it and some of the sexual engagements that happen early on in the movie feel a bit distasteful to say the least. Now as she ages mentally throughout the film this ceases to be an issue.

A wider argument and one that our American friends will surely have a problem with is that this film is very graphic sexually, it is purpose built to be challenging in that regard as to what audiences are comfortable with however it may be too much for some. Again the argument becomes were is the line between empowerment and exploitation and I for one am not going to wade into that quagmire this particular evening.

I think outside of the broader social aspects of the film, the idea of this woman rediscovering the world is a fascinating ride to go on and the world which looks a little like something you would expect from a Tim Burton film is so well realised that you could easily look at it for hours.

Emma Stone does an amazing job here and I would argue should be rewarded with awards, Bella is multilayered and as she advances throughout the film it is almost like Stone has to give multiple different performances all within the remit of the character. Likewise the supporting cast is strong Will Dafoe as always is fantastic as is Mark Ruffalo and Christopher Abbot.

Something that I haven’t seen talked much about with this film is that it is funny, the film has a very keen sense of humour and is quite amusing.

Overall, easily one of the better films of 2024 thus far.

4.5/5

Pros.

Stone

The wider cast

The world

Seeing Bella develop

The humour

Cons.

Sometimes it feels a bit icky

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Thanksgiving: Slashing Up The Pumpkin Pie

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of teens are attacked on Thanksgiving.

This is what Eli Roth should be doing not making some lame fan film looking Borderlands movie no one asked for.

Whilst horror aficionado’s will be disappointed by this film’s rather lame plot, it is exactly what you have seen before many times over just now with a thanksgiving theme, it makes up for it with the violence. Whilst the slasher is not always a gore fest this one sure is and its with these visuals that the film rises above its limitations. You see a woman get cooked like a turkey.

The acting is weak but would you expect anything other than that, it is your usual collection of stock characters. As some of you who follow me on social media will know I was very critical of Addison Rae being added to this cast as influencers aren’t actors, and like I predicted this was a clearly cynical cast choice to try and get the kids in the door, she is wooden and can only mildly pull off a bemused look for most of the film whether the character is supposed to be happy or scared.

When it is revealed who the killer is it is actually a good mystery as the misdirection throughout the film works to throw you off base enough that the reveal does seem surprising, which works to the film’s credit.

Overall, with the twist and the violence slightly above average.

3/5

Pros.

The violence

The twist

The novelty

Cons.

The acting

It feels done before

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The Boy And The Heron: Ornithophobia

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A boy enters a mythical world in order to save his surrogate mother figure whilst also investigating the death of his actual mother.

I thought this was a beautiful film to look at every ounce of it had the Ghibli magic that we have all come to know the studio for. The world is so dense and rich and easily explorable, and as you go on this adventure there are so many interesting little side stories established but not fully explored allowing your imagination to fill in the blanks.

The actual plot relating to motherhood family and generations feels very personal, and you care about the character’s journey and want to find out what happened to the mums, and the families connection to this other realm. Though the film doesn’t give away all the answers I would say the ending we got was satisfying and feels weighty.

The one thing I would say about this film, and it didn’t bother me personally but I would be remiss not to say it, is that at times it can be very unsettling, especially in the early parts of the film wherein the heron seems like an almost demonic force intent on harming the kid. As such my point is that this aspect of the film clashes with the wider family friendly tone of the film and if you are considering watching this one with your kids it is something to bear in mind, there are a few frights.

Overall, a lovely swan song for a true titan.

4/5

Pros.

It is a fantastic world

The story is impactful

It leaves a lot to your imagination

It is a sweet film

Cons.

It is not always the most family friendly

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Night Swim: Swimming In The Sewer

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A haunted swimming pool, yes you read that right we have reached the bottom of the barrel folks.

There was some potential here if you played it for laughs then maybe something so goofy as a haunted swimming pool could work, but nope its incredibly serious. Essentially this film is about a group of ghosts that hang around a swimming pool that used to be a magical creatures lair, but said creature needs a sacrifice in order to work.

This film is the very worst of Blumhouse, it is not clever, there is nothing of substance to it, and it feels like it lazily made on the cheap with no thought going into it. The film barely has any scares at all and what it does have are cheap jump scares.

Everyone in this deserves so much better, I feel really bad that after Kerry Condon started to break into Hollywood this is the drek she gets signed to, she needs better management.

Overall, lame and they knew it was hence them dumping it in January,

1.5/5

Pros.

It has an interesting premise

It is short

Cons.

They do nothing with it

It feels like it goes on forever

It isn’t scary

It is far too serious

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The Beekeeper: Burning Down A Call Centre Has Never Been So Efficient

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Jason Statham is just a man that likes to make honey at the weekends and then in the weeks burn down call centres.

This film was hilarious, I would imagine intentionally so, Statham’s character would commit a grave act of violence and then make a bee pun or comment and you couldn’t not burst into laughter.

Moreover, this was a good role for Statham as he got to be his usual tough guy persona but also have a little fun with it, I think in many ways this could be the start of a new franchise for him as it has the same charm as something like The Transporter did all those years ago.

The world of the Bee Keepers is also quite interesting and rife for exploring in the same way the world of the Continental was when John Wick first came out. I definitely think any sequel should lean more into that direction.

Overall, a good dumb action film.

4/5

Pros.

It is funny

Statham

It has many cheer worthy moments

The world of Bee Keeping

Cons.

The villains are fairly one note

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