The Young Woman And The Sea: Hemingway Turns Over In His Grave

Summary

Daisy Riddley needs something to do between filming commitments for more Star Wars content no one wants, so she made this film.

If I were the family of the person this is based on I would sue, that is how bad this is.

So the film details the first ever time a woman swam the English Channel, based on real events. In another timeline this could have been an inspirational tale of rising to the occasion, perseverance and never giving up on your dreams, but Disney has their hands on this. Due to Disney’s influence this film is full of the message that Bob Iger said they were walking away from, rather than focus on this heroic woman and her journey, which in and of itself is uplifting, progressive and inspiring, they have to force in a bunch of current year feminist theory that makes no sense in that time period. Some of the things they are talking about are so deeply out of place it makes you think did they just not even bother doing research for this film.

Daisy Riddley is fine, she cannot act and is mostly just looking slightly angry for most of the film, she is another student of the Alaqua Cox school of acting, but that is okay as for the scenes when she is swimming you cannot really see her face. For the sake of ease just think of her as a block of wood in the film that goes from point a to b.

As I said before, this tale deserved to be good, but Disney being Disney they had to run it into the ground and make it not only boring but also needlessly chocked full of identity politics.

Overall, there is a reason Disney say they are not bothered about the box office of this film and that is because they know no one will see it.

1/5

Pros.

It is almost too bad to be believed

Cons.

It is sanctimonious

It is boring

Ridley struggles

It is far too long

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The Strangers Chapter 1: Stay Out Of Small Town America

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young couple goes off to the woods and get chopped up by the Strangers.

Whilst I thought it was good to see a new film in the franchise I didn’t like that it was a soft reboot, it makes the previous too films feel less important now and I enjoyed those for what they were.

I think this is going to be what a lot of people are expecting. If you want a generic slasher film than this is the film for you, it’s the same old set up the couple make dumb mistakes whilst you scream how they’re dumb at the screen and then they get slashed. Nothing new. If you want something new and novel then this is not the film for you.

I thought it was interesting that the film tried to create more of a mythology around the Strangers themselves and create this whole creepy town to, that was a nice bit of worldbuilding that could be used to a much greater effect in the coming sequel.

Overall, a serviceable slasher film.

3/5

Pros.

It is what you would want it to be

The Strangers are always interesting

The worldbuilding

Cons.

It is dumb at times

The ending makes no sense

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Thelma The Unicorn: Netflix Just Doesn’t Care At This Point, They’ll Just Put Out Any Old Garbage

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A pony, voiced by Brittany Howard, decides to be a unicorn for reasons.

This is why Netflix will never be taken seriously as a film studio. This is why when the CEO is saying oh Barbie and Oppenheimer would have been just as big if they were released on Netflix no one believes him. Because for every good film Netflix puts out accidentally, there are 100 of these and films like Atlas, by that I mean utterly trash soulless pieces of garbage made as some sort of way to get a clever tax write off or maybe clean some cash, in my opinion.

So is there any heart or charm to this? Do you even need to ask me? Nope it is entirely soulless hollow 3D animation that looks just like everything else and that honestly for the amount of money Netflix likely put into this looks terrible.

The message of it is better to be yourself than be someone or something you are not is pretty on the nose here, I understand it is a kids film but you don’t have to treat the audience like they are dumb. Outside of that is there anything of good substance for your kids to mull over, or for you to mull over, not really there are some horrible references to things people over at Netflix think kids like, but it is all just the usual cringe.

Overall, if Netflix want to be taken seriously they need to cut production in half, they need to stop pumping out garbage all the time and take stock of what and who they have and try and retool anything they can’t cancel and cancel anything that is not locked down to try and turn these projects around. Netflix needs to start caring about quality over quantity.

1/5

Pros.

It is not offensively bad

Cons.

It is soulless

It is hollow

It is vapid

It message is obvious

It is ugly to look at

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Bad Boys 4: Keep My Captain’s Name Out Your Damn Mouth

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Will Smith and his partner are back fighting crime and slapping men who make jokes about their wives.

Honestly this is Smith’s first major role post slap and I was wondering if they were going to address it, I thought he might defeat the villain by slapping him and then he looks into the camera and nods so that in that moment the audience and Smith are on the same page. No such luck I am afraid.

Personally maybe this is just me, but with everything we know about Smith’s personal life now I find it hard to take him seriously as an action star. I understand this is supposed to be comedy action but I just find it hard to see him in the same light post the smack and since all the stuff with his wife’s affair.

I feel like this film is in a weird sort of limbo as it acts very much like the last film, and is basically just more of the same, but at the same time it seems to know things are different than they were when the last one came out culturally in relation to Smith. I think that if you liked the last film you will like this.

In many senses this film doesn’t feel like it needs to exist it is more just there. The story is okay and it is interesting to consider them as fugitives rather than cops, but it all just feels very done before. Ultimately you know it will end with them defeating the bad guy and clearing themselves and as such there are no real stakes here.

Some of the jokes are funny and there is some fun to be had, but there are also some really unfunny ones and the film repeats these over and over.

Overall, fine nothing more nothing less. Wait till streaming.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is funny

It is watchable

It has some good moments

Cons.

Will Smith isn’t really an action star any more

It repeats unfunny jokes

It doesn’t need to exist

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Indiana Jones And The Dial Of Destiny: Turning A Southpark Joke Into Reality

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford, becomes a deadbeat dad and gets bullied around by his god daughter, played by Phobe Waller-Bridge.

I find it hard to describe this film as anything other than an assassination. The creatives behind this film wanted to kill off the character of Indiana Jones and it clearly shows, however, rather than meaning that in the sense of a character death they wanted to make him as low and pathetic as they could so no one would care about him anymore.

It takes a long time into the film to see Indiana Jones behave like himself in anyway, I question why anyone over at Lucasfilm thought that what the audience wanted was to see the character deconstructed.

Honestly Waller-Bridge is very hit or miss sometimes she can hit gold and be a really good fit for a project, other times not. Here she just seemed like she was playing a variation of her Fleabag character, which didn’t fit, and became increasingly more unlikeable over the course of the film.

The ending leaves things in a slightly better place then when we started but it just makes you leave asking why did they need to make this film, who was it for, why now, why did they think this would get people back in the door.

Overall, this is a sad disrespectful way to treat one of the most beloved characters in pop culture.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It ruins the character

It didn’t need to be made

Waller-Bridge doesn’t fit

It is badly made, and the pacing is awful

It is a waste of your time

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Atlas: Jenny From The Block Fights The AI Screenwriter Netflix Used For This Film

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Netflix continues to make films by algorithm, with no human brain switched on.

So let’s get one thing out of the way early, Jennifer Lopez is not an action hero. I don’t care how many crappy action films Netflix insert her into there is nothing convincing about seeing her take down grown men when she doesn’t look like she even carries her own groceries. Yes here they do contrived things like put her in a mech in order to make her fighting look less laughably bad, but all it does is redirect the laughter towards the terrible CGI.

Moreover, Netflix continues its trend of adding in identity politics to almost every film they make as they think it will somehow make them popular with young people. Most young people don’t care about identity politics it is just an old group of men in California who think they do. It is as usual incredibly cynical and performative here as it always is, there is no real need for it, it is jus inserted in to tick off a list.

Had this film an air of parody to it then it could have been good, but no. This film takes itself incredibly seriously and thinks that it is high cinema when it is the furthest thing from it, residing somewhere even lower than the bargain bin. The idea of someone having to go and fight an AI is incredibly dumb and feels like the sort of thing that would have been written about 30 years ago not as we live alongside them.

Overall, Jennifer Lopez should stick to music, or rom-coms she has enough range for those, but stay away from action as unless she undergoes a massive physical transformation no one will ever believe her as an action star.

0.5/5

Pros.

It might be a useful form of torture at a CIA black site somewhere

Cons.

Jennifer Lopez is miscast

The threat feels like something people would worry about 30 years ago

The CGI is terrible

The plot makes no sense

The identity politics

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Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes: Have You Ever Heard Of Devolution, This Franchise Has

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ceaser is dead but now we have a new Ceaser look alike to go through the same exact themes as the last trilogy.

To be fair the new Ceaser doesn’t start off liking humans whereas the old one did, the new one comes to like them by about the first hour of the film so its not a huge difference. I suppose a difference here is that the film is not really about the struggle between men and apes but rather ape on ape war.

However, I think the real issue here is that the stakes are incredibly low. Maximus is supposed to be this Roman esque conqueror yet his beachside community is pretty small, moreover, where he could have been a good antagonist for several films and been built up to be a true nemesis for new Ceaser, he is just offed at the end of the film. It is very underwhelming.

The reason for him being offed is to once again go back to the well of human vs ape conflict because why try and do anything new when you can just repeat the beats of the last trilogy. Honestly, I found the relationship between new Ceaser, and Mae, Freya Allen, to just be stupid. She has sought him out, for a reason implied but never shared, she says how much she needs him but then betrays him, I guess you could say she lied there but then why did the narrative push the bond so much, and then finally she plans to kill him, for once again no reason at all, she could have just left and never seen him again. Mae might as well not have been in the film as she contributed very little, had a baffling motivation and only really existed to be like oh the humans are going to try and fight back.

Overall, this film could have been something great but it lived too much in the past with its fixation on Ceaser and its desire for more ape human conflict, we could have seen Maximus grow and develop and form a civilisation that new Ceaser had to fight against but no some birds killed him.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is interesting to see how the Apes have evolved

It sets up some interesting things for future movies, not the ape vs human stuff

It is fairly well paced

Cons.

The lead character is just Ceaser all over again

The human character makes no sense

They waste Maximus

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Roundup Punishment: Fighting In The Toilets And On A Plane

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A no nonsense police officer, Ma Dong-Seok, tries to take down an overseas casino racket that is soaked in blood.

I enjoyed this film for its mix of both serious action, with fairly high stakes, and also more comedic and light hearted moments. It felt like a homage to classic 80s era American action films like Lethal Weapon in many senses. The film knew what it was doing on all fronts and it knew when to let things get serious and when to draw back for a joke.

The action itself was intense, it felt very full on and visceral, though at the same time it wasn’t super gory, what I appreciated about it was that it was not like an American action film very often a bad guy might take one hit to go down or maybe 3 if he is the big villain but instead this felt drawn out and far more realistic.

This I think is the fourth film in the series and after watching this it made me want to go back and watch the other films in the franchise that I have missed, that was how much fun I had with it. Sadly, I think a lot of people won’t watch this as they won’t want to watch something with subtitles but I am telling you that you are missing out.

Overall, a fun and well done action film.

4.5/5

Pros.

The action

The comedy

The cast

It is a lot of fun

It has some great set pieces

Cons.

It has some pacing issues

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Tarot: Pick A Card

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A tarot reading leads to a series of deaths.

I thought this was an unexpected treat, the premise is very basic and samey but in the way the film is carried out it is actually very well done and creepy. Its your standard group of teen students, who are actually in their thirties, who rent out a mansion for the weekend because that is something students can afford to do, and then they get killed off one by one after a tarot reading.

So, the above description sounds incredibly been there and done that, however, there is just something about this one that makes it fresh. I think that there is a little Final Destination in this film’s blood which makes it a winner in my mind, mix that with some terrific monster design and you are off to the races. The monsters which represent different characters on the cards, look both creepy and also varied enough that you feel like each are distinct characters.

I think the scares mostly work, a lot of suddenly coming up real close to the camera scares, and a few jump scares, however, the most effective scare of the film is the dark magician and his twisted magic show, which with his audience of deadeye ghouls was particularly effective.

Overall, despite a generic premise this film manages a number of good scares, well worth a watch.

3.5/5

Pros.

The scares

The monster design

The Final Destination Vibes

The pacing

Cons.

It has a very generic plot

The ending feels a little rushed

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The Fall Guy: The Best Blockbuster That We Have Been Given In Years

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A stuntman, Ryan Gosling, must go through hell and highwater in order to solve the mystery of an actors disappearance and reunite with his lost love, Emily Blunt.

I would argue though it will be a controversial opinion that Blunt and Gosling have better chemistry here than he did with Margot Robbie last year in Barbie. I think the film is made all the better for their relationship being front and centre to the film as the love story aspect really gives you something to root for and hold onto during the film.

I also liked that this film felt like a push back against a lot of the worst trends of recent Hollywood blockbusters, there was no dumb over the top CGI fight, the characters had humour and felt like real people, and crucially there was little to no identity politics. There was a line about toxic masculinity which was played for laughs and said by the villain of the piece to show how it was just another way to manipulate people into going along with her.

This film felt like in many ways the sort of film we used to get 10 years ago, before Hollywood decided to tie its fate to left wing politics and repeat every social justice buzz word they have heard online for points alienating half their audience in the process. You could argue in many senses that Blunt’s character here is a girl boss trope done right, she is in charge yet she also is allowed to have emotions and not be perfect, which makes a change from the self-serious, stoic, no nonsense girl bosses we often see, or the I’m so random iteration of the girl boss.

I would say my main issue with the film was that the second act went on for far too long and became bloated. If it had been better paced the film would have naturally flowed a lot better.

Overall, a solid and fun blockbuster

4/5

Pros.

It is fun

It doesn’t take itself too seriously

The stunts

The characters are likeable

Cons.

The second act is bloated

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