Black Cab: Get An Uber

Summary

Nick Frost plays a cabbie with an attitude.

This film has an interesting aesthetic but fails to do much more with it than the bog standard. I like the idea of a horror film about a cabbie driving down northern country lanes in the dark worrying about ghosts, however, in reality the film is just very standard.

I found the bulk of the film to be entertaining if Frost’s performance was a little over the top at times, however, where things really started to fall apart for me was in the third act. This is due to the time loop nature of the haunting with the ghost being made by his actions and then so one and so forth, and I found that to be a tad bit obvious from the start.

As for Frost playing against type, he is okay, it is not on the level of some funny man turned dramatic actors we have seen in recent years. I found his character to only have a few menacing moments the rest of the time he seemed either just angry or bumbling. The idea of him as a scary villain never really came through for me.

Overall, a serviceable if forgettable ghost story.

2.5/5

Pros.

The setting

The premise

The atmosphere

Cons,

Frost as a villain

The ending

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Never Let Go: Halle Berry Isn’t A List Anymore

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Halle Berry and some kids live in the woods.

The twist that civilisation wasn’t really destroyed was obvious. The fact the film tries to have its cake and eat it too, being like see Berry’s character was lying all along, but then not really as the creature was real feels like a cop out and ruins any good will this film had going for it.

Moreover, this film just feels like yet another in the growing and increasingly plagiarised apocalypse horror sub-genre. Think about Bird Box and The Quiet Place and now think about this, think about The Village and now think about this, can you see the, shall we be charitable, borrowing. This film is more than a little derivative.

In addition, no one has given Halle Berry the memo that she is not lead actor material. She tries to seem genuine as the kids mother and also at times scary or manic but she just comes across as someone trying to act crazy, at no point is she believable.

The film tries to build towards a crazy third act but you have seen it all before and nothing shocks you about it.

Overall, a waste of time

1.5/5

Pros.

It is short

It is watchable

Cons.

It has been done better before

Berry

It has pacing issues

The ending

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Beezle: The Witch In The Walls

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A house infested with a witch goes through generations of trauma.

There was a kernel of a good idea here, we don’t get many witch films and less so that try and unorthodox narrative approach, it plays more like an anthology than a linear narrative.

However, in execution we come undone.

I can some up the issues with this film into four key areas, the characterisation, the witch, the scares and the ending. There is a throughline of mediocrity throughout all of these things and that was a disappointment.

So first things first, the initial two segments are fine nothing special but it is clearly the third where things start to get weird. Enter Nova, Victoria Fradkin, a character who’s whole dimension is just that she’s horny and wants a kid. You could argue had this been written by just a man that it was incredibly sexist and reductive but she helped write her own material so she was okay with it. Nova, wants to have sex wearing her partner’s dead mother’s lingerie and is constantly pressuring him for sex to a point where it becomes uncomfortable. Moreover, there are a number of nude or near nude scenes that just feel almost as though Fradkin is showing off for an ego trip, and when you realise her close relationship with the director it all starts to make more sense.

The witch could have been special and unique but instead it is just another demon like figure that behaves in the same way and never really does much of anything. To role scares into this one the film relies heavily on jump scares, did you just see that face? That kind of thing, to which I thought gave it a tacky feeling.

Finally the ending is the ending of so many found footage films after becoming possessed Nova kills her husband and then I guess sits in the snow, or does some random off screen action for it all to continue with a new family. Paranormal Activity did all this decades ago.

Overall, amateurish at best.

1/5

Pros.

It has a good premise

Cons.

It is not scary

It has pacing issues

It is creepy at times

It wastes its villain

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My Old Ass: A Narcissistic Fantasy

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young woman, Meghan Park, comes off age whilst getting phone calls from her older self, Aubery Plaza.

This film was made for a specific type of person, who that is I don’t know. It is not funny and has a really depressing ending, if that sounds like your idea of a good time head on down.

It feels like it is trying to go for the Safety Not Guaranteed sort of feel the oddball comedy vibe, it has a quirky family it has some out their elements to try and drive things along, yet it never actually hits it in a satisfying way.

There is also rather a lot of quite graphic lesbian scenes, which get to a point wherein you question how needed they were for the plot. They could have lent in for a kiss and then moved on, it does feel a little over the top. One cannot hope but feel like if this was done by a male director the film would have got far more criticism for it.

Plaza is as good as ever, the younger cast mostly are irritating as they say meaningless gen z buzz words like ‘omg the world is literally on fire right now’ and oh such garbage, also what is there solution to the world being in such a bad spot is it to help someone or volunteer for a charity nope its to get high and go on their phones. Also the focus placed on the main characters sexuality also felt incredibly modern day, so she’s bi big whoop, we really don’t need the whole big subplot of oh but she’s never liked boys before, when she no doubt had crushes before as they say later in the film she was into Biber.

Overall, maybe one to give a miss

2/5

Pros.

Plaza

A few good laughs

Cons.

It is tonally all over the place

The younger characters are annoying

It is depressing

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Joker Two: The Worst Comic Book Movie Ever Made?

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Todd Phillips performs career seppuku and inflicts major damage on the character of the Joker possibly forever.

I will open with a question and it might be slightly rhetorical but I want you to think about it, who goes into a superhero/supervillain film wanting to see the character degraded to such a point that the film decides it in good taste for them to have a long drawn out rape scene wherein the character is assaulted repeatedly?

This film hates the Joker and it hates you. I am all for the Reeves’ side project being gritty and dark but this just feels horrible. I understand that this is not in the Reeves’ universe but my point is more so about grit in superhero/villain films, there comes a point where you have to ask is this necessary. I think you’ll find the answer if you look hard enough, its no just in case you didn’t get it.

It reads very much as someone who clearly didn’t want to make a sequel being forced into it, as he goes out of his way to make the film terrible and even offensive to fans and people who care about the character. It was like what people said about the director’s approach to the fourth Matrix film but even worse.

The musical aspects feel unnecessary and a normally good Lady Gaga here just feels out of place. They happen as somewhat of a pallet cleanse from all the rest of the horribleness but it makes you wistful, you wish the whole film could be like that so you didn’t have to go back to it.

The courtroom drama aspects feel like an embodiment of the social media discourse around the first films release in a way, and that makes the film feel even more born out of an online discussion rather than from a place of love or even interest in this character.

Basically due to how Phillips has handled this what could have been a profitable little Elseworld’s franchise for DC is dead. These characters are dead. I would if I was Gunn and co not even use the Joker for a while after, allowing the bad memory this allow the bad to fade away in time.

Overall, Phillips should never work again.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It hates you

It hates the characters

It has the first film

It hates comic book fun

It hates itself

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The Founder: The Father Of Ronald McDonald

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

McDonalds is evil.

So finding out about how McDonalds came to be what it is today could be a very rah rah sort of affair, very pro Ronald, however I have to say I liked that this film showed McDonalds for being the twisted company it is. It didn’t pull its punches, you see the lives ruined the dreams smashed and the horror that happened along the way.

I thought that Micheal Keaton was electric as Roy Kroc, the milkshake salesman turned CEO of McDonalds, he chewed up the scene as a pro business take no prisoners capitalist. He both had that Tony Stark level of confidence where you can’t help but like him whilst also hating him for all the terrible things he’s doing at the same time.

I like that it tried to convey a smaller time period in the company and man’s life rather than trying to cover his whole life, it felt like more of a time capsule and more well done as a result.

Overall, a pretty good biopic about a titan of the fast food industry.

3/5

Pros.

Keaton

The pace

It isn’t bias

Cons.

It is a bit slow at times

It focuses a bit too much on Roy’s love life

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Stop Motion: The Darkside Of Wallace And Gromit

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young stop motion animator, Aisling Franciosi, tries to get out from under the shadow of her own mother and create her own stop motion project.

I admired the originality of this film, it tried hard to do something new within the horror landscape and within a genre that likes to repeat patterns and tropes that is to be applauded. I also thought the idea of the stop motion project coming to life was interesting and led to some really good scares.

Likewise the interspersing of stop motion shots within the rest of the normal film really helped to push the uniqueness as well as to give us some disturbing and unique visuals. I appreciated what this film tried to do even when it didn’t fully land.

My main complaint with the film would be that it followed the very overdone breakdown storyline as the lead becomes more and more insane to a point where she becomes in a sense possessed attacking those around her. We have seen this done many many times in horror and it feels stale.

Overall, a unique film with some good scares held back by a familiar character arc.

3.5/5

Pros.

The stop motion scenes

It is unique

It is well paced

Some good scares

Cons.

A familiar character arc

A wasted supporting cast

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Reawakening: Life Changing Conversations Whilst Playing With Model Trains

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After ten years missing a young woman shows up on her parent’s door step, but is it really her?

This film is well done and well-acted but not one that you would want to watch more than once. It is in that same category with films like Locke brilliantly done but depressing as hell and with no rewatch value at all. Once the mystery is revealed, the final nail is placed in the coffin of rewatching this film, and in a sense that is fine you don’t need to watch everything 100 times for it to be good.

Jared Harris and Juliet Stevenson are both fantastic as grieving parents who desperately want to see their daughter again, and both display such a terrific range, going from stunned silences into fits of rage and heartbreak within a matter of moments, it truly is a masterclass in terms of performance.

Overall, it is a good film but not likely one anyone will want to watch more than once.

3/5

Pros.

The performances

Its engaging

The pay off

Cons.

It is depressing

It has some pacing issues

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The Substance: The Next Phase Of Ozempic

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An aging celebrity uses the latest beauty fad to stay young and it goes horribly wrong.

I went into this expecting it to be more abstract, however, it is not. In fact it is very in your face with its point in a way you could call hamfisted. Although, I have to say though it was so upfront it never became unpleasant or groan worthy as other films might do. The scene where Elisabeth, Demi Moore, is told that at fifty it stops whilst the man, Dennis Quaid, she is sat across from discards and eats prawns in a disgusting manner is very effective.

In many senses this film reminds me of Garland’s second to last entry Men. By this I mean that about two thirds of it are golden, until the final transformation The Substance is firing on all cylinders it is sharp and witty and is very good at making a stylised point. However, then you get into the final third and things start to fall apart, as things simply move into gross out territory the point is lost and it just becomes a gore fest. I can understand why the film did this as it needs to build to something but it means that the ending just feels like spectacle rather than substance, pardon the pun, and it lessens the wider product.

Whilst I wouldn’t call it scary I do think that the body horror is quite effectively used and there were a few moments of wincing throughout.

Overall, it would have been better if It had a more understated ending but the film as a whole is still very effective

4/5

Pros.

It is effective

It has something to say

Moore and Qualley

The body horror

Cons.

The ending

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Speak No Evil: A Wasted Ad Budget

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple, Mackenzie Davis and Scoot McNairy, go to the house of a couple, James McAvoy and Aisling Franciosi, they barely know and whom they met on holiday, as no one does, rather unsurprisingly things go badly.

So this was a remake of a Danish film from a few years back, and I don’t know about that film but this one isn’t scary.

It continues Blumhouse’s long streak of lacklustre films. Having two major issues, firstly is the fact it doesn’t know what it wants to be, it wants to be a horror film but also have jokes and some silly comedy. This is particularly apparent with the song they choose to be the scary one for the film that plays at moments of high horror, which in the context of the film is a silly song. A horror film needs to take itself seriously if it wants to be scary, and with recent Blumhouse fare like Meg3an it is becoming to look like the studio doesn’t understand that.

Secondly, you have the issue with modern social horror, and when I say social horror I mean horror films that try and comment on modern issues, and that is they are vapid and think they have something to say when they don’t and they just all want to be Get Out. Here you have this idea of country vs city, modern vs old, with of course the traditional ways being seen as evil and backwards and the modern city folk with their therapy and vegetarianism being the good guys do you see the message yet. The worst thing is that none of this hasn’t been said before it all has, this film’s themes feel like a regurgitation of other better film’s themes.

Finally I just want to say that the way the film emasculates McNairy’s character is nothing short of irritating. So his wife, Davis, cheated on him and then controls him and the family through her neurosis all the while being told by her to stop being so angry, when he is remarkably put together. Couple this with the fact that he almost gets killed at the end of the film needing to be saved by his wife as he grovels at her feet, in the end he manages to do one heroic act to try and save his family falling and hurting himself but by that point his humiliation had been complete.

The more I sit and write this review the more the message of the film hits me and I like it less and less.

Overall, a letdown.

1.5/5

Pros.

It has some unintentionally funny moments

One or two good scares

Cons.

The message

The way it treats McNairy’s character

It is nothing you haven’t seen before

It is badly paced

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