Megan Two: Hold Onto Your Vagina Ladies

Grab onto your vaginas ladies, the quotable line that never gets old and one that sealed the death of Blumhouse.

Honestly, this film had flop written all over it in capital letters, the first film was a meme film and really did not need a sequel, it captured a moment in time and you could not do that twice. The first film was not even very good but at least it had some idea of its identity.

This film is not terrible there are plenty of worse films that you can see right now at your local multiplex, however, the central issue with it is that it does not know what it wants to be. Does it want to be an action film, a comedy, a science fiction film, these are all the things it tries its hand at yet never sticks with.

One thing that is for sure is that this film has long ago abandoned being a horror film, yes there are some gnarly moments but by and large there are no scares, and Meghan is now a full on good guy who is prepared to sacrifice herself, like Christ, to save the day. She even sings comforting songs now. I don’t know who at Blumhouse thought this was a good idea but they probably shouldn’t have a job anymore.

Some of the jokes are funny, and Jermaine Clement is always a welcome presence on-screen, but probably the best moment of the film is where they try and replicate the meme dancing from the first film, with a new dance sequence for Tik Tok. It has that same oh look they are doing the thing vibe you would want whilst they are doing something new.

Overall, a watchable action comedy film.

2.5

Pros.

It has a few funny lines

The dancing

Jermaine Clement

Cons.

It is tonally all over the place

It is not a horror film

It has pacing problems

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28 Years Later: A Scottish Man Managing To Outrun Hordes Of People

Summary

The Americans take over London.

So this film is a lot better than I remember it being. Distinctly as a younger man I remember liking Days Later more but now after having seen Weeks Later as I am slightly older it is far closer. I think this film is far more realised, in that I mean it feels more expansive it feels more like a complete world, whereas in Days it feels very confined.

The opening scene in the cottage is fantastic, the tension and the way Robert Carlisle’s character runs away as the music swells is the epitome of tension and the shaky cam here works really well to add to that very manic energy. This would be one of the things I would say Years Later struggles with and that is that it tries to move away from this sort of energy and go for a more meditative tone at times and one has to ask how in keeping with the franchise is it.

The military criticism here was well used, rather than coming across heavy handedly it feels as though it naturally builds upon the mistrust of the army from the first film. Though the infected are threatening, particularly in the opening scene, I think the more harrowing moments of the film come from things like watching the army use chemical weapons against civilians.

Overall, I would argue this is better than Years and could well rival Days.

4.5/5

Pros.

The tension

The commentary

The world

The ways in which it builds on the original

The cinematography

Cons.

The child characters are irritating and do irritating things

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Hallow Road: The Worries Of Being A Parent

Summary

A couple find themselves in a position that no parents ever want to be in.

So Rosamund Pike and Matthew Rhys are fantastic here, a lot of the film is the car journey to find where there troubled daughter has broken down in the woods, and much like with Locke a hell of a lot of the meat of the film comes from there conversations and facial acting during these tight scenes and scenes over the phone.

As the night begins to unfold and it turns out the daughter hit and kill someone and then with what follows the film takes a turn that you likely won’t expect but is not wholly unpleasant. As it veers off into the supernatural it oddly works within the world created by the film, though I would say that I think Irish folklore is beginning to become a bit tapped out at this point.

The ending of the film is quite bleak but also has a trippy component to it which leaves you asking questions at the end of the film as you pick your head back up off the floor.

Overall, well-acted and with a good supernatural twist.

4/5

Pros.

It is well acted

The horror works within the world

The end leaves open some intriguing questions

Genuine tension

Cons.

Irish folklore is becoming a bit overplayed

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The Bad Guys Two: Meet The Bad Girls

Summary

The Bad Guys are back.

I saw this is a double bill with Smurfs, see my review of that now, and suffice it to say I was feeling depressed. I was beginning to think that the days were studios put effort into family films was dead. Then I saw this film. Did it reverse that notion? The answer is mixed.

Whilst this film had far more style and personality that Smurfs which felt AI made, there was also a hollowness to this film as well. The Bad Guys themselves were more likable and had charm, and you cared about the characters, but in terms of the world and the story things just felt bog standard. It felt very much like a narrative you have seen before dressed in a new skin.

I would have liked more time with Wolf, Sam Rockwell, and Diane, Zazie Beetz, to explore their relationship, and the idea of how hard it is for bad guys to be good and readjust to a society that does not want them. This would have been far more interesting that simply having the bad guys be framed by a group of bad girls, yes you can hear my groan. Alas, the film does not even do much with these new bad girls beyond have them be a foil to the bad guys, and set up some future romances, as far as characters go they are quite one dimensional. Perhaps this is done on purpose to give them more ground to mine in a third film.

Overall, serviceable but nothing special.

2.5/5

Pros.

The characters have charm

The animation has passion

Wolf and Diane

Cons.

The world feels hollow

The story is deeply uninspired

It feels predictable.

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Smurfs: Smurfette Is Black Coded Now

Summary

James Corden takes a moment from not paying his writers a fair wage, and insulting waiters to star in the third remake of the Smurfs of the recent past.

Do the Smurfs have any continued relevancy? I would argue that is doubtful, is this better or worse than the previous remakes? I would say that it is of a similar quality. Is it a good film? No. All of the Smurf remakes and reimagining’s have been terrible this is just the latest.

The film is about magic books and has the smurfs go out into the real world, surprise, surprise, whilst I enjoyed the switch between live action and animation I thought the film did not do much with it or really play around. It was very lifeless at times, and felt almost mechanical.

A particularly egregious part of this film is Rihanna as Smurfette, this was done to provide some diversity to the voice cast possibly? They also now have a very clearly LGBTQ+ smurf in the gang. How the Rihanna thing is egregious is the fact that Rihanna has to do several musical numbers, no one else in the film does, and it just feels almost like an advert for an upcoming album rather than a nice accompaniment. Did the makers of the film not think of getting maybe someone younger than the kids might be into for their horrible effort in self-promotion.

Overall, this is why Paramount as a studio has fallen and is being bought out.

1/5

Pros.

Nick Offerman’s character

Cons.

Rihanna

It is boring

It is lifeless

James Corden

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The Secret Life Of Chuck: A Surprising Amount Of Dancing

Summary

A man, Tom Hiddleston, learns to seize the day.

This may be one of the best releases of this summer. Not only is it an effective story in the sense that it is both emotionally uplifting but it also manages to disconcert and have just enough under the skin to give you a chill on the way out.

I was not prepared for the number of dance sequences that were going to be in this film, surprisingly there were several long sequences, however, don’t let that put you off the science fiction mystery of what is going on and what is real and what isn’t is more than enough to give film life. In a sense this film reminded me a lot of The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty, and I do mean that to be a positive comparison.

Overall this is a weird and strange film, it is not a comedy, nor is it a horror film, it has science fiction elements but also long dance sequences it is an eclectic film and one that will no doubt have a Marmite like appeal, for our US friends that means you’ll either love it or you’ll hate it.

4/5

Pros.

The mystery

It is fun

You care about the characters

The world is fantastic and dense

Cons.

It makes things too blunt a little more ambiguity would have been better

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Together: Dave Franco And Alison Brie Should Probably Break Up

Summary

A couple learn very obvious lessons about co-dependence. The irony being that both of these lead actors are actually in a relationship in real life and are now playing a couple on screen and well its ironic.

So I will give this film one thing it does have one particularly effective moment, and it takes place in a children’s school toilet cubicle, once you have seen it and thought through the implications of it then you will be scarred for life. However, that is really the only thing I can praise the film for.

The commentary on co-dependent couples which it ends up justifying at the end, is nothing new. In many sense this film reminds me a lot of Night Bitch the Amy Adam’s film from the end of last year, it has an interesting premise but uses it to deliver fairly boilerplate commentary that feels incredibly obvious.

Franco and Brie as a couple in this film really seem ill suited and unlike in other similar films where you are rooting for them to stay together through it all here you desperately think they should be apart.

Overall, not as smart or inventive as it thinks it is.

1.5/5

Pros.

An interesting idea

One harrowing moment

Cons.

Brie and Franco have no chemistry

The commentary is pedestrian

It is boring

The ending feels contrived

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Bring Her Back: Using Pee For Gaslighting

Summary

A woman, Sally Hawkins, goes to extreme lengths to bring back her dead daughter.

So I enjoyed this film for the fairly basic thriller that it is, there are so good twists and turns and it does not go the way you necessarily think it would. However, the issue for me from this perspective is the fact that the writing is quite weak in terms of justifications. Why did Hawkin’s character pick the central duo out of all the children in care, why did the demon knowingly kill itself at the end? These are questions that the film does not give us answers for.

The film sets up this demonic cult through a video tape that Hawkin’s character watches and as the film goes along and you see more of the tape and you think it would be interesting to explore this idea a bit more, the film immediately stops mentioning them. When Hawkin’s character goes to do the ritual are the cult present as clearly based on the video you need a number of people to carry it out? Nope. She does it on her own. One cannot help but feel like the cult was an undelivered promise.

Whilst I find the demon stuff interesting I do wish they would have shown us more of the little boy doing these creepy and extreme things, as the film itself shows some of this but stops itself from going further, which I feel like it needed to.

Overall, an interesting premise and a few good scares don’t come together to be anything special in a disappointing follow up to Talk To Me.

2.5/5

Pros.

Some good gore

A few scares

Sally Hawkins is always fantastic

Cons.

The cult stuff is not properly used

The writing is weak

The ending is very meh

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The Naked Gun: OJ Simpson Has Not Been This Relevant In Years

Summary

Liam Neeson proves once and for all that he can do comedy.

When I saw the trailers for this film I was doubtful, comedy doesn’t seem to work in 2025 especially not spoof films. Couple that with the fact that I’m a big fan of the original Naked Gun films, and you can see why I went into this film with incredibly low expectations.

However, I was pleasantly surprised. Not only is this film funny, but it also manages to keep alive a lot of the humour of the original trilogy. Now, I am not going to say that this film is in the same league as those films, but I will say that it had me laughing quite a bit, and I thought the chemistry between Neeson and Pamela Anderson was charming. I think the film really shines when they are on screen together.

I would say that the wider supporting cast is mostly wasted, but then again the Naked Gun films were always mainly focused on the male and female leads and their interactions, with the wider supporting police team being used sparingly.

Overall, the OJ Simpson gag was probably the best in the film.

3.5/5

Pros.

It is funny

Anderson and Neeson have great chemistry

It maintains the comedic styling of the earlier films

The OJ gag is fantastic

Cons.

The supporting cast are wasted

The plot is a little weak

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The Legend Of Ochi: Where The Gremlins Train Your Dragons

Summary

A young woman, Helena Zengel, must return a fearsome creature to it’s lair. However, along the way she realises her whole perception of the world is a lie.

Lets get this right out of the way, the premise of this film is How To Train Your Dragon mixed with Gremlins. There is little new about a child’s innocent love for a creature defying the broader societies view of it.

However, where this film soars, to use the film word of the summer, is in the world around this plot. There is something strange and interesting about it, time period wise it is liminal, it could be present day it could be forty years ago, location wise it could be Eastern Europe, a fantastical reinterpretation of Eastern Europe or somewhere all together different. The oddness of the world these characters inhabit and the flourishes that make it feel truly different to anything else that you will see this year.

Willem Dafoe is of course excellent as he often is though I would say that Emily Watson is the real star of the show, her haunting turn of a woman who gave up her child and then realises her want and need to be a mother again is quite captivating.

Overall, an interesting and rich world with some great performances.

3.5/5

Pro

The world

Watson

Dafeo

The creature

Cons.

The story

The ending is a bit too convientent

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