Smurfs: Smurfette Is Black Coded Now

James Corden takes a moment from not paying his writers a fair wage, and insulting waiters to star in the third remake of the Smurfs of the recent past.

Do the Smurfs have any continued relevancy? I would argue that is doubtful, is this better or worse than the previous remakes? I would say that it is of a similar quality. Is it a good film? No. All of the Smurf remakes and reimagining’s have been terrible this is just the latest.

The film is about magic books and has the smurfs go out into the real world, surprise, surprise, whilst I enjoyed the switch between live action and animation I thought the film did not do much with it or really play around. It was very lifeless at times, and felt almost mechanical.

A particularly egregious part of this film is Rihanna as Smurfette, this was done to provide some diversity to the voice cast possibly? They also now have a very clearly LGBTQ+ smurf in the gang. How the Rihanna thing is egregious is the fact that Rihanna has to do several musical numbers, no one else in the film does, and it just feels almost like an advert for an upcoming album rather than a nice accompaniment. Did the makers of the film not think of getting maybe someone younger than the kids might be into for their horrible effort in self-promotion.

Overall, this is why Paramount as a studio has fallen and is being bought out.

1/5

Pros.

Nick Offerman’s character

Cons.

Rihanna

It is boring

It is lifeless

James Corden

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The Legend Of Ochi: Where The Gremlins Train Your Dragons

Summary

A young woman, Helena Zengel, must return a fearsome creature to it’s lair. However, along the way she realises her whole perception of the world is a lie.

Lets get this right out of the way, the premise of this film is How To Train Your Dragon mixed with Gremlins. There is little new about a child’s innocent love for a creature defying the broader societies view of it.

However, where this film soars, to use the film word of the summer, is in the world around this plot. There is something strange and interesting about it, time period wise it is liminal, it could be present day it could be forty years ago, location wise it could be Eastern Europe, a fantastical reinterpretation of Eastern Europe or somewhere all together different. The oddness of the world these characters inhabit and the flourishes that make it feel truly different to anything else that you will see this year.

Willem Dafoe is of course excellent as he often is though I would say that Emily Watson is the real star of the show, her haunting turn of a woman who gave up her child and then realises her want and need to be a mother again is quite captivating.

Overall, an interesting and rich world with some great performances.

3.5/5

Pro

The world

Watson

Dafeo

The creature

Cons.

The story

The ending is a bit too convientent

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Dora And The Search For Sol Dorado: Boots Finally Talks

Summary

Dora, Samantha Lorraine, is back.

So this is not as good as the previous Dora The Explorer live action film from a few years ago, but that is not to say it is without charm. Whilst yes this one aims younger than the previous film and has a less well known cast, there is still a lot of things to enjoy. For example both Boots and Swiper get more expanded roles and Boots talks, being voiced by Gabriel Iglesias, which is a nice change up. This film does also draw far more heavily on the TV show than the previous film with one key exception, they don’t play the Dora Theme Music, I was waiting for it for the whole film and thought they might play it over the end credits but instead we got Camilla Cabello.

The dialogue and acting in this film are not very good with it sometimes getting pretty stupid for the dialogue and cringe for the acting. However, this is a straight to streaming Dora movie what did you expect? For me these two things add a so bad it is good kind of feel to the film, which I enjoyed.

Overall, a fun addition to the franchise.

3.5/5

Pros.

It is funny

Boots and Swiper

It feels truer to the cartoon

The so bad it is good factor

Cons.

It does assume the audience is braindead at times

They left out the Dora theme music

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Lilo And Stitch: Disney Hates Families

Summary

The story of an alien that comes to earth and befriends a girl that needs a friend, that you have all seen before.

I had never seen the original animated version of this film until recently, I rented it to give back to the animators before seeing this version which I feel hurts animation broadly and which if I wasn’t reviewing I would not see.

So I have to say that this film much like How To Train Your Dragons made changes to the original animated version that I did not like. Namely the fact that the sister leaves at the end, and yes this is done with the little girl’s blessing, but it goes against the whole point of the film which is that families stay together. Of course this is a Disney film in the current year so that idea could not be allowed to stick around, the film even directly address the no one left behind line in order to justify her leaving, and this just feels like they are drawing more attention to the problem.

I have to say the little girl herself is very heart warming and sweet, and she alone is why this film doesn’t get a lower score, even if it doesn’t justify it’s existence. Much like with How To Train Your Dragons what these live action remakes come to be is just poorer versions of the animated originals, with modern changes to make them worse.

The trend of live action remakes really need to end.

Overall, a live action remake that doesn’t need to exist.

2/5

Pros.

A charming child

It has some good emotional beats, which hit almost as well as the film

Cons.

It doesn’t justify its existence

The changes regarding the ending

Missing characters

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How To Train Your Dragons: Dream Works Opens A Slop Factory

Summary

So I was not going to watch this film, but I needed to kill some time and it was on. However, don’t worry I am not trying to put animators out of business, as to make up for seeing this I also rented the original animated film to make sure they were getting money as well.

As I expected before going in to this it is a soulless rip-off of the original animated film, made with as much originality as one can expect from AI Hollywood these days, much like with Disney’s Lilo and Stitch the changes it does make come at the expense of the film rather than as a reason to see this version of it.

The race swaps for Astrid, and the lessening of Hiccup as a character in an effort to give Astrid more to do, and to push girlboss narratives don’t make the film any better and highlight the sort of negative changes I was talking about before.

It is the worst of both worlds both a shot for shot remake but also one that has some small ‘modernising’ changes to it which make it worse. The story is much the same and if you have seen the animation you will just see right through this film for the hollow imitation it is.

Overall, a trend that needs to die in Hollywood

1.5/5

Pros.

Toothless is still fun

It has the same beats as the first film which is good, but they are just hollow recycled parts

Cons.

It doesn’t need to exist

It is inferior to the animated version

The changes make it worse

The live action cast lack any kind of charm

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Elio: The Death Of Pixar

Summary

Pixar’s latest is yet another effort in emotionally manipulative story telling.

Gone are the days wherein Pixar had charm and wit, in are the days of therapy speak and finding the idea of a mother-son bond ‘just a bit too much’. For reference the creatives behind this film found the idea of Elio, Yonas Kibreab, being the child of a single mother to be too much and instead needed to have it be an aunt-child dynamic. Why is that? Why is so much of modern Hollywood afraid to show good parent child dynamics, or even nuclear families, it is starting to reach a distractable peak now.

Great science fiction often plays on the cool ideas of meeting aliens, the new technology, the things we might learn about ourselves etc, but not this film instead we have an incredibly boring film about intergalactic politics told in a way so dumbed down that a paper bag could understand it.

Good family films can be made in such a way wherein every member of the family can find something to enjoy in it, but this film is just low effort garbage, that treats audiences young and old alike as fools.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The aunt-son thing feels forced

None of the characters are likable

The therapy speak

It is not fun.

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Minecraft: The Best Videogame Movie?

Summary

A group of people are brought into the game world of Minecraft.

For me this may have been one of the best films of the year, It had the perfect combination of heart, nostalgia and homage. It felt like a love letter to the game without feeling like a tick box list of hey remember this remember that, and the things it did include were incorporated in a way that made sense to the film.

I enjoyed seeing the Nether, although I would have left if for the sequel, I thought it felt as well realised as the actual main Minecraft world itself as well as the Overworld, regular Earth. I do wonder where they will go with a sequel perhaps to the Ender with the sequel villain being the dragon that guards it, who knows.

The only part of the film I was not into was the repeated gag of having Jennifer Coolidge be dating a villager, Matt Berry, whilst I am a Berry fan I thought that this gag went on for far too long and really was never funny, it should have been cut.

Overall, a lovely video game adaption that has respect for its source material and great performances across the board.

4.5/5

Pros.

The references

How well realised it is

It is funny

Great performances

It is pure fun

Cons.

The villager side plot

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With Love, Meghan: Meghan Spends Her Man’s Money On A Fruit Plate You Could Only Dream Of Peasant

Summary

Possibly the best thing Meghan Markle has ever done, but not for the reasons she or Netflix would want.

Let it be known that I am no fan of the Dutchess, I believe she’s a gold digger, and I believe her cries for privacy are made to look laughable when she turns up to the site of school shootings as a disaster tourist ready to snap a photo for the gram.

However, this was great, it was unintentionally hilarious. Whether it was Meghan shooting the whole thing in a house that is clearly not her own, yet she never says that, or one of the many horribly awkward mash-ups she does with random guests. My favourite was when she reminded Mindy Kailing, famous Hollywood hack, of her last name, but rather than say Windsor as would be her actual marital last name if she took Harry’s name, she instead says Sussex which was a title. It is hilarious as not only does she look like the ultimate Karen but she still gets it wrong.

Moreover, there are also the recipes which for the most part Meghan uses to show that she is down to Earth and just like you, yet when she makes a fruit salad for a kids party, she must use well over $40 of fruit, as any regular working mum can do. It is moments like this where you can see just how out of touch she is, there are also other moments where you can see the rage bubbling inside of her which give a lot of credence to the Palace rumours that she was a bully.

Overall, this is one of the funniest things Netflix has released in a long time.

3/5

Pros.

It is hilarious

It is the right level of good cringe

You can see the anger and entitlement right there on screen.

Cons.

It goes on a bit too long

She has some stilted delivery

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Snow White: Disney’s Most Obvious Attempt To Court China Yet

Summary

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it is off to the Congress of Soviets we go.

So where to begin with this.

Firstly, I think the backlash to Gal Gadot being Israeli and having served in the IDF, as all Israeli’s have to do, is anti-Semitic and wrong. To make matters worse the disgusting and terrorist supporting comments made by her co-star Rachel Zegler, no doubt made the film set harder to be at for Gadot, as such not only should we support her but we should openly condemn Zegler. However, if there is any justice this film will flop and with it, after all the reports of how difficult she, Zegler won’t work again.

Secondly, what this film did to the Dwarfs, making them caricatures of themselves and making them look horribly uncanny, will be a badge of shame not just for Disney but for Peter Dinklage for the rest of his career. Remember they could have hired real actors that looked the parts, but because of Dinklage’s comments we got what we got.

Thirdly, this film hates the original and its message of hope, and replaces it with narcissism, divisiveness and some good old fashioned Disney approved communist propaganda, how else will it sell in China? The love story from the original is paired back, as is a lot of the songs that were tied to it, Snow White, Zegler, is now a rebel leader leading the oppressed workers against the evil rich factory owners, Gadot. If you thought Disney were done shoving political messages down your kids throats as you pay them to do it, then think again.

The film thinks it can distract from these glaring issues by adding cute animals to every scene, they can not.

Overall, in the glorious class struggle for liberation from tyranny the megalithic corporation wants you to think it is on your side, it is not.

0.5/5

Pros.

It has some unintentional hilarity

Cons.

Zegler’s open support of terrorists and terror sympathisers

The destruction of the hope and optimism of the original

The communist messaging

The bloat

The Dwarfs

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Dog Man: Ahead Of The Pack

Summary

Dog Man cleans up crime.

So I was not aware that this was based on a book going in, I was not aware it was related to Captain Underpants either. I just thought it was a kids animated film, and I would say you can watch it as that, there was not any references to anything else that you wouldn’t get.

I thought that the dynamic between Dogman, Petey, Pete Davidson, and Little Petey was sweet and had a nice wholesome message. I found myself getting a little emotional at the end I have to say, it definitely had the feelings in the bag.

I would say however, that stylistically the film dropped the ball, maybe this is part of it and I am not aware but the editing was really strange like a lot of things would just randomly happen without much rhyme or reason. It had a feeling of okay now the next thing to it that I found a little off putting. There was also a lot of meta jokes and comments on it being a film which became a little bit grating over time.

Overall, a slightly above average kids film brought up by its wholesomeness.

Pros.

The wholesomeness

Ricky Gervais

A few good jokes

Cons.

The editing

The pacing

The meta commentary

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