Pirates Of The Caribbean World’s End: Bring Back Johnny Depp

The pirates cast realise that there is no film without Jack Sparrow and so go to Davy Jones’ locker to get him back.

Watching this re-release makes one even more confident in the belief that Johnny Depp is the heart and soul of the Pirates franchise. Not only does his performance anchor the film, but he is a truly likable protagonist, something that modern Hollywood is lacking.

Despite being a long film this film flies by, and has something for everyone with great action, romance and laughs. There is even a little horror peppered in here and there, for people like me. For the most part the film works well across the board.

The main issue with the film is that there are filler scenes that could easily be cut out, as I said earlier for the most part the film is well paced, however, these filler scenes make the film feel just slightly slower at times and that holds the film back.

Moreover, the film leaves far too many lose ends open and I know they thought they were going to do more films, and did, but considering this is the last film with Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom you would think that they would have given them more of a conclusive ending.

Overall, a near perfect film that just has a few slow scenes holding it back.

4/5

Pros

The action

The romance

The comedy and the horror

It feels like a good ending for the franchise and Jack

Cons

Will and Elizabeth deserve a more definitive ending

A few bloated scenes

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The Fountain Of Youth: Indiana Jones For Beta Males

Summary

John Krasinski does his best Indiana Jones impression.

I don’t understand why Apple TV thought we needed a new globetrotting Indiana Jones esque adventure movie. The last Indie film should have been proof enough against that concept.

Moreover, where films like Indiana Jones and National Treasure were commanded by having a strong lead who was believable in the role, here if anything Krasinski is too soft. He doesn’t have the gruff toughness you would want out of this role, he seems far too affable and silly. He simply reads wrong for the part.

As for the adventure itself it is fairly generic nothing you have not seen before, it is a globe trotting adventure for a magical artifact that in the end they don’t end up taking home as it is too dangerous and needs to be left alone. There is nothing particularly new here, it reads as very low effort adventure fare.

The wider cast are a mixed bag, Eiza Gonzalez is there she has some good fights and has reasonably decent chemistry with Krasinski, Natalie Portman is playing Natalie Portman and is taking an easy pay check. The rest of the cast slip my mind.

Overall, this film shows you why you need a good script and crucially a good idea before you go into filming, simply saying oh they are popular and people like Adventure films, a debatable claim at the moment, is not enough.

2/5

Pros.

Gonzales tries her best

There are a few unintentionally funny moments

Cons.

It is badly paced

It is generic

Krasinski is miscast

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Freakier Friday: Remember Folks Lindsey Lohan Tried To Abduct A Syrian Refugee.

Summary

Friday gets freakier.

What can be said that we didn’t all say in the lead up to this?

There was no need for this film, there was some junk food like appeal to it, with it being warming and hitting with some nostalgia and a little comedy here and there, however, there is nothing of substance nothing that makes you go ‘ah that’s why they need to make this’.

For a contemporary Disney film there was a lot less divisive nonsense than I was expecting, for example I thought for sure one of the characters would be trans gender and then you would have Lohan or Curtis’s character go into that characters body in order to understand the experience of trans people. Yet Disney managed to hold back on that, the closest they go to it is during an early section of the film wherein there is a food fight and a kid is carrying around a rainbow pride flag and manages to get it into every shot.

I think they would be hard-pressed to do a third film as there really isn’t much more they can do with this franchise in terms of the body swapping gimmick, though I am sure they could find a way if this film made them enough money.

Overall, whilst there is some comforting nostalgia here, it ultimately feels like a desperate cash grab.

2/5

Pros.

It is funny

There is some nostalgia to be had

Cons.

It doesn’t justify its existence

It comes off as a little desperate

Disney being Disney

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The Bad Guys Two: Meet The Bad Girls

Summary

The Bad Guys are back.

I saw this is a double bill with Smurfs, see my review of that now, and suffice it to say I was feeling depressed. I was beginning to think that the days were studios put effort into family films was dead. Then I saw this film. Did it reverse that notion? The answer is mixed.

Whilst this film had far more style and personality that Smurfs which felt AI made, there was also a hollowness to this film as well. The Bad Guys themselves were more likable and had charm, and you cared about the characters, but in terms of the world and the story things just felt bog standard. It felt very much like a narrative you have seen before dressed in a new skin.

I would have liked more time with Wolf, Sam Rockwell, and Diane, Zazie Beetz, to explore their relationship, and the idea of how hard it is for bad guys to be good and readjust to a society that does not want them. This would have been far more interesting that simply having the bad guys be framed by a group of bad girls, yes you can hear my groan. Alas, the film does not even do much with these new bad girls beyond have them be a foil to the bad guys, and set up some future romances, as far as characters go they are quite one dimensional. Perhaps this is done on purpose to give them more ground to mine in a third film.

Overall, serviceable but nothing special.

2.5/5

Pros.

The characters have charm

The animation has passion

Wolf and Diane

Cons.

The world feels hollow

The story is deeply uninspired

It feels predictable.

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Smurfs: Smurfette Is Black Coded Now

Summary

James Corden takes a moment from not paying his writers a fair wage, and insulting waiters to star in the third remake of the Smurfs of the recent past.

Do the Smurfs have any continued relevancy? I would argue that is doubtful, is this better or worse than the previous remakes? I would say that it is of a similar quality. Is it a good film? No. All of the Smurf remakes and reimagining’s have been terrible this is just the latest.

The film is about magic books and has the smurfs go out into the real world, surprise, surprise, whilst I enjoyed the switch between live action and animation I thought the film did not do much with it or really play around. It was very lifeless at times, and felt almost mechanical.

A particularly egregious part of this film is Rihanna as Smurfette, this was done to provide some diversity to the voice cast possibly? They also now have a very clearly LGBTQ+ smurf in the gang. How the Rihanna thing is egregious is the fact that Rihanna has to do several musical numbers, no one else in the film does, and it just feels almost like an advert for an upcoming album rather than a nice accompaniment. Did the makers of the film not think of getting maybe someone younger than the kids might be into for their horrible effort in self-promotion.

Overall, this is why Paramount as a studio has fallen and is being bought out.

1/5

Pros.

Nick Offerman’s character

Cons.

Rihanna

It is boring

It is lifeless

James Corden

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The Legend Of Ochi: Where The Gremlins Train Your Dragons

Summary

A young woman, Helena Zengel, must return a fearsome creature to it’s lair. However, along the way she realises her whole perception of the world is a lie.

Lets get this right out of the way, the premise of this film is How To Train Your Dragon mixed with Gremlins. There is little new about a child’s innocent love for a creature defying the broader societies view of it.

However, where this film soars, to use the film word of the summer, is in the world around this plot. There is something strange and interesting about it, time period wise it is liminal, it could be present day it could be forty years ago, location wise it could be Eastern Europe, a fantastical reinterpretation of Eastern Europe or somewhere all together different. The oddness of the world these characters inhabit and the flourishes that make it feel truly different to anything else that you will see this year.

Willem Dafoe is of course excellent as he often is though I would say that Emily Watson is the real star of the show, her haunting turn of a woman who gave up her child and then realises her want and need to be a mother again is quite captivating.

Overall, an interesting and rich world with some great performances.

3.5/5

Pro

The world

Watson

Dafeo

The creature

Cons.

The story

The ending is a bit too convientent

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Dora And The Search For Sol Dorado: Boots Finally Talks

Summary

Dora, Samantha Lorraine, is back.

So this is not as good as the previous Dora The Explorer live action film from a few years ago, but that is not to say it is without charm. Whilst yes this one aims younger than the previous film and has a less well known cast, there is still a lot of things to enjoy. For example both Boots and Swiper get more expanded roles and Boots talks, being voiced by Gabriel Iglesias, which is a nice change up. This film does also draw far more heavily on the TV show than the previous film with one key exception, they don’t play the Dora Theme Music, I was waiting for it for the whole film and thought they might play it over the end credits but instead we got Camilla Cabello.

The dialogue and acting in this film are not very good with it sometimes getting pretty stupid for the dialogue and cringe for the acting. However, this is a straight to streaming Dora movie what did you expect? For me these two things add a so bad it is good kind of feel to the film, which I enjoyed.

Overall, a fun addition to the franchise.

3.5/5

Pros.

It is funny

Boots and Swiper

It feels truer to the cartoon

The so bad it is good factor

Cons.

It does assume the audience is braindead at times

They left out the Dora theme music

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Lilo And Stitch: Disney Hates Families

Summary

The story of an alien that comes to earth and befriends a girl that needs a friend, that you have all seen before.

I had never seen the original animated version of this film until recently, I rented it to give back to the animators before seeing this version which I feel hurts animation broadly and which if I wasn’t reviewing I would not see.

So I have to say that this film much like How To Train Your Dragons made changes to the original animated version that I did not like. Namely the fact that the sister leaves at the end, and yes this is done with the little girl’s blessing, but it goes against the whole point of the film which is that families stay together. Of course this is a Disney film in the current year so that idea could not be allowed to stick around, the film even directly address the no one left behind line in order to justify her leaving, and this just feels like they are drawing more attention to the problem.

I have to say the little girl herself is very heart warming and sweet, and she alone is why this film doesn’t get a lower score, even if it doesn’t justify it’s existence. Much like with How To Train Your Dragons what these live action remakes come to be is just poorer versions of the animated originals, with modern changes to make them worse.

The trend of live action remakes really need to end.

Overall, a live action remake that doesn’t need to exist.

2/5

Pros.

A charming child

It has some good emotional beats, which hit almost as well as the film

Cons.

It doesn’t justify its existence

The changes regarding the ending

Missing characters

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How To Train Your Dragons: Dream Works Opens A Slop Factory

Summary

So I was not going to watch this film, but I needed to kill some time and it was on. However, don’t worry I am not trying to put animators out of business, as to make up for seeing this I also rented the original animated film to make sure they were getting money as well.

As I expected before going in to this it is a soulless rip-off of the original animated film, made with as much originality as one can expect from AI Hollywood these days, much like with Disney’s Lilo and Stitch the changes it does make come at the expense of the film rather than as a reason to see this version of it.

The race swaps for Astrid, and the lessening of Hiccup as a character in an effort to give Astrid more to do, and to push girlboss narratives don’t make the film any better and highlight the sort of negative changes I was talking about before.

It is the worst of both worlds both a shot for shot remake but also one that has some small ‘modernising’ changes to it which make it worse. The story is much the same and if you have seen the animation you will just see right through this film for the hollow imitation it is.

Overall, a trend that needs to die in Hollywood

1.5/5

Pros.

Toothless is still fun

It has the same beats as the first film which is good, but they are just hollow recycled parts

Cons.

It doesn’t need to exist

It is inferior to the animated version

The changes make it worse

The live action cast lack any kind of charm

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Elio: The Death Of Pixar

Summary

Pixar’s latest is yet another effort in emotionally manipulative story telling.

Gone are the days wherein Pixar had charm and wit, in are the days of therapy speak and finding the idea of a mother-son bond ‘just a bit too much’. For reference the creatives behind this film found the idea of Elio, Yonas Kibreab, being the child of a single mother to be too much and instead needed to have it be an aunt-child dynamic. Why is that? Why is so much of modern Hollywood afraid to show good parent child dynamics, or even nuclear families, it is starting to reach a distractable peak now.

Great science fiction often plays on the cool ideas of meeting aliens, the new technology, the things we might learn about ourselves etc, but not this film instead we have an incredibly boring film about intergalactic politics told in a way so dumbed down that a paper bag could understand it.

Good family films can be made in such a way wherein every member of the family can find something to enjoy in it, but this film is just low effort garbage, that treats audiences young and old alike as fools.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The aunt-son thing feels forced

None of the characters are likable

The therapy speak

It is not fun.

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