Our Little Secret: Hide The Snow Lindsey Lohan Is Around

The woman who tried to abduct a Syrian child back in 2018 is back, look it up, as Lindsey Lohan continues her ill-fated string of Netflix Christmas releases.

This time around it follows a couple who broke up as one of them simply couldn’t move to London for a bit, and now they are with new people, and yet they run into each other at Christmas party and realise they are dating siblings in the same family. Hijinks ensue.

A lot of people have made fun of this film for the fact that everyone in it looks like they have been covered in fake tan in much the same way people used to get slimed at the Kids Choice Awards. However, the real issue is that Netflix was so cheap they used Lohan and Ian Harding, the film’s male lead, to play younger versions of themselves rather than hire younger actors and its horribly jarring.

The film lacks the charm of a Princess Switch and instead feels incredibly tame, even by Hallmark standards this film would be looked at as incredibly safe. The central romance feels off as well, chiefly the main thought I had during this film is that Lohan should just retire and enjoy her life like Cameron Diaz, what she is doing isn’t acting it is just her playing a safer and more Christian version of her character from the Parent Trap aged up.

Overall, Netflix has embarrassed themselves again.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is so bad it is funny at times

It is inoffensive

Cons.

It is slow

It is boring

The romance doesn’t work

Lindsey Lohan is miscast

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That Christmas: An Epitaph To The Sorry State Of Modern Britain

Summary

Richard Curtis should retire and Netflix should issue a public apology.

Where to start with That Christmas? There are so many things wrong with it that I honestly don’t know.

First and foremost it doesn’t understand the UK, it was written by an Englishman and yet it depicts a south coastal city in the winter as having knee deep snow and having frozen ponds and bodies of water. For those of you not familiar with UK weather that is incredibly unlikely unless maybe you were at high altitude or it was particularly cold but otherwise it is nonsense.

Then you have all of your horrible and dating ‘modern day tropes’ one of the characters is really into militant veganism and so releases all of the Turkey’s to die or later be recaptured, another goes off on multiple climate change lectures and of course has all the answers despite being a child. Then there is the fetishisation of the NHS, our free public health service here in the UK if you’re unfamiliar, with their being a whole subplot about a single mother, voiced by Jodie Whittaker, being selfless and working on Christmas Day and needing to be treated like a queen when she returns home. It has the sickening and fake over sentimentality of when people were banging pots and pans in Tribute to the NHS during the pandemic. She is doing her job, and arguably being a bad parent, yet we are supposed to give her some applause? Of course every different race imaginable is depicted as it’s a Netflix film and they don’t seem to understand that not every part of every country is the same as what they see on the streets of LA, especially not the monied parts of southern England.

Finally, it struggles as a Christmas film without a message. All good Christmas films have a message as well as being entertaining, but what does this film have to say? Communities should come together? Christmas is about the people and not the presents? Old people caused global warming and so are evil? All of these things have been said before, more intelligently and with more depth, by trying so hard to appeal to a modern audience the film is left saying nothing.

Overall, Netflix spits in your face and tells you it is Christmas snow.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It doesn’t understand the UK at all

It is horribly dated

It is cringe

It feels the need to lecture

It has nothing new to say

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Dear Santa: Jack Black Goes Lame

Summary

The tamest adult comedy film ever.

So I was surprised to see the age rating of this film on Paramount Plus as I was sure that it was family friendly. It is a film about summoning the Devil, Jack Black, and it is about as scary and edgy as having an egg and cress sandwich that has an uneven number of pieces of cress on it.

They try to clear this up later by saying Black is not actually the Devil, rather a demon, but that still doesn’t explain in any way the tameness, honestly nothing even remotely adult happens and I have no idea how it got the rating it got.

Moreover, the ending which sees the couple’s dead kid resurrected as a result of a Christmas good deed granted by a demon, is all kinds of messed up. The religious stuff to one side for a moment, the idea that for any parents who may be watching that they can just wish their kid back is just cruel and it reminds them of their pain and loss and how in reality that won’t work. It just feels very much in bad taste.

Overall, a weak and disappointing Christmas comedy.

1.5/5

Pros.

It has one good laugh

It is short

Cons.

For the most part it isn’t funny

It is too tame

The ending is weird and uncomfortable

Black feels miscast

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Nutcrackers: The Season Begins In Earnest

Summary

Ben Stiller goes heartfelt for Christmas.

So David Gordon Green has been in a run of bad luck recently, the third Halloween Film, the first and last of his trilogy of Exorcist films and then this. This film does have some charm but reads a little like the more earnest comedies of about ten years ago mixed with Wes Anderson. In execution I would say it is derivative in intent but I would say that it doesn’t do it well enough to be even close to other similar films.

Honestly this is a film we have all seen too many times before, Ben Stiller plays an uncle called in to watch over his nephews after the death of their mother. It is only supposed to be for a few days until they find them a home, but can you guess what folks? He never leaves. Who could have guessed that. The fact of the matter is the film sets up Stiller’s character as this workaholic who lives for his job and yet he is all too quick to just give it up later in the film when they move in a different direction, this workaholic doesn’t even fight for it.

I think my major issue with the film is that the emotion just doesn’t feel genuine at any point. It feels insincere and in a film like this that is important.

Overall, it is clear what they were going for but it just didn’t stick the landing.

2/5

Pros.

It tries to be earnest

It does have a couple of sweet moments

Cons.

The emotion doesn’t feel real

It has pacing issues

The character motivations are bad

It has been done before

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Only Murders Season Four Overview

Summary

We are back for yet another season.

By no means do I think this season of Only Murders is bad, it is still very watchable. However, there is an unmistakable whiff of decay coming off it, what I mean by that is the first two seasons felt relevant and necessary, the third felt like a sort of sendoff, the fourth almost feels like a needless parody of the show itself.

I think the big issue with this season was the fact that the mystery doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, it basically boils down to most of the season being a misdirection relating to a guy who killed himself and hid it to avoid having his friends get kicked out of rent controlled apartments, and then in the final moments of the penultimate episode they just reveal who the killer is. It feels like the misdirection sub plot gets far too much time for how important it actually is to the murder mystery.

There are some worthwhile moments such as Charles’s, Steve Martin, sub plot regarding him coming to terms with the murder of a close personal friend of his. Or the inclusion of the actors playing the central trio who do make for good comedic foils for them.

Overall, whilst there is still some good here it does feel as though it is being kept going for the sake of it at this point.

3/5

Pros.

The Charles sub plot

The actors

It is still very watchable

Cons.

It feels like it has gone on for too long

The misdirection is too much

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Rick And Morty Season 7 Season Overview

Summary

Rick and Morty matures.

After the end of season 6 I had taken somewhat of a break from the show, and so returning now I didn’t know quite what to expect especially with a new voice actors.

However, I found it to be far more of a meditative and contemplative of a season than I was expecting it to be. What I notice was a more overt shift in Rick’s character, he cares more about his family than ever before, this season really feels very therapeutic for Rick as a character.

I found the wrapping up of the prime Rick storyline to be interesting, I am glad they didn’t drag it out. I thought bringing back evil Morty in more positive role was an interesting choice I am surprised they went there, however, after seeing it I am glad they did.

Another thing I noticed is that this season has a number of one off episodes yet they feel from connected to the other episodes, there is not this question, this battle between continuity random silly fun to wed here in a much more fluid way. I think this is reflective of the writing evolving with the show.

This season certainly brought me back to the fold, however, I would say that it was surprisingly sparse on things for the wider family and side characters to do, it was a very Rick and Morty season. Whilst I like the focus being on these two I do also like to see the family developed and explored so that was missed.

Overall, a solid season with good character work

4/5

Pros.

Rick

Morty

Blending continuity with serialization

The more mature themes

Cons.

A lack of family centered episodes

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Velma: Mindy Kaling’s Career Just Won’t Die

Summary

Velma, voiced by Mindy Kailing, cannot do us all a favour and die and so has to come back as a snarky and thoroughly unlikeable ghost.

Bitter is the word I would use to describe this special, bitter was a word that encapsulated the whole of Velma’s run. Now I know that it was possible but unlikely that win they filmed this they knew it had been cancelled, but it feels as though this special is aware of its cancellation and wants to get in as many jabs as it can in order to settle scores.

We get a repeat of all of Kailing’s classic lines, such as how she fetishes white guys whilst also having all her characters be super liberal and hate them. She is quirky and insecure yet demands to be the centre of attention all the time. Finally who could forget making the whole affair as sordid and needlessly unpleasant just for the hell of it. It was always clear that Kailing and co had no respect for the source material when they made this show but once again we get that point hammered home for us.

Does this special serve as a fitting end for the series? No, ultimately it chooses to go out flipping everyone, audience included, off one last time rather than trying to set out any meaningful closure for the characters or hint at somethings yet to come.

Overall, this special was just as hateful as you would expect. All I can say is at least it is over now

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It shouldn’t exist

It is hateful

It doesn’t offer an ending or any kind of closure

It is obnoxious

It is unfunny

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Futurama Season Twelve Overview: Pulling A Lazarus

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Futurama does something I never thought possible, it turns things around massively in the space of just one season.

I will be referring to the season by both its production and broadcast season numbers in this piece so if you are confused why I call it by two separate names that is why, I will try to keep it to a minimum.

As some of you may know I was sorely unimpressed with season 8/11 whereas this new season 9/12 is a massive improvement. This latest season has a lot of what you would call classic Futurama charm, and ditches a lot of last seasons need to be topical and mention everything from cancel culture to bitcoin.

In my mind there are only two bad episodes this season out of a run of ten. These for me were The One Amigo which felt like a poor Bender, voiced by John DiMaggio, introspection episode. As well as Attack of the Clothes for how much it pushes Cara Delevingne in a way that would make The Simpsons blush.

The rest of the run was either watchable or good, Quids Game which you might imagine I’d have an issue with as again it is trying to mimic something new and popular rather than tell a new story is one of my favourite of the season. The reason for that is that though it’s premise is based on parody there is a strong emotional core there that taps into Fry’s, voiced by Billy West, time in the eighties/nineties.

I am still not thrilled with how the season deals with Leela, voiced by Katey Sagal, and Fry as a couple, they aren’t even shown living together as they were last season, but I did like that the end of the season does push their relationship forward somewhat, even if it does later kill them.

Overall, I would say of this season that it feels at times as though it is almost back to form, it is a million miles away from the husk that was the previous season and shows that the series still has good bones underneath a desire to be topical. Hopefully next year’s batch of episodes continues to refine the formula.

4/5

Pros.

Almost back to classic level

Some good new episodes that add to the wider cannon

A character focus and emotional core

It meaningly moves Fry and Leela as a couple forward

Cons.

It pushes Cara too much

It has two naff episodes

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My Old Ass: A Narcissistic Fantasy

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young woman, Meghan Park, comes off age whilst getting phone calls from her older self, Aubery Plaza.

This film was made for a specific type of person, who that is I don’t know. It is not funny and has a really depressing ending, if that sounds like your idea of a good time head on down.

It feels like it is trying to go for the Safety Not Guaranteed sort of feel the oddball comedy vibe, it has a quirky family it has some out their elements to try and drive things along, yet it never actually hits it in a satisfying way.

There is also rather a lot of quite graphic lesbian scenes, which get to a point wherein you question how needed they were for the plot. They could have lent in for a kiss and then moved on, it does feel a little over the top. One cannot hope but feel like if this was done by a male director the film would have got far more criticism for it.

Plaza is as good as ever, the younger cast mostly are irritating as they say meaningless gen z buzz words like ‘omg the world is literally on fire right now’ and oh such garbage, also what is there solution to the world being in such a bad spot is it to help someone or volunteer for a charity nope its to get high and go on their phones. Also the focus placed on the main characters sexuality also felt incredibly modern day, so she’s bi big whoop, we really don’t need the whole big subplot of oh but she’s never liked boys before, when she no doubt had crushes before as they say later in the film she was into Biber.

Overall, maybe one to give a miss

2/5

Pros.

Plaza

A few good laughs

Cons.

It is tonally all over the place

The younger characters are annoying

It is depressing

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Between The Temples: Mommy Issues

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Jason Schwartzman has the hots for an old lady, Carol Kane.

Even after watching this film and having a few days to think about it I don’t know how I feel.

This is a strange and often uncomfortable sort of film and one that I don’t think I would ever watch again. Below are a few examples of genuine scenes from the film for you to see for yourself.

A scene in which a young woman reads out dirty voice messages to Schwartzman’s character whilst pretending to be his dead wife, he cries and they have sex.

A scene in which Schwartzman’s character professes his love for the old lady whilst his family scream about how she has groomed him, yet then cheer him on as he rushes after her.

A scene in which Schwartzman’s parents try and close the door on the old lady but she won’t leave.

I like cringe and uncomfortable comedy as much as the next fellow, however, I cringed so bad in the cinema watching this that I physically balled up. I would say this went into the bad realm of cringe.

The love story of the film if you can call it that is messed up, I guess that’s the point, and leaves more questions than answers at the end. However, what it does leave you with is a feeling of incompleteness as you don’t understand how Kane’s character feels about the lead.

The main thing I will give this film props for is how Jewish it is and how it focuses heavily on Jewish characters, which in the contemporary media and political landscape is risky, I am glad this film won’t be silenced by the sea of antisemitism.

Overall, an odd and uncomfortable film

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable and some of the cringe comedy works

It is unashamedly Jewish

Cons.

It is too cringe at times

The ending doesn’t feel satisfying

It has pacing issues

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