Doctor Who Christmas Special: Dr Babe’s Trip Through The Looking Glass

Dr Babes is back and crying once again.

There was so little merry about this that I consider how they can even call it a Christmas special, surely that is some form of false advertising.

If you didn’t like the new Doctor’s first series you won’t like this it is much more of the same, him dancing, him saying babes, him being sassy and then being strong by crying. Who needs brains and a sonic screwdriver when you have interpretive dance and crying.

Him being joined by one of the stars of Bridgerton just feels like the BBC once again desperately trying to get in a youth audience that has never even heard of Doctor Who, she was entirely forgettable. Turning her into the Star Of Bethlehem from the Bible was an unexpected twist that manages to spoil a centuries old story, all to prop up the BBC’s failing IP.

Having a future version of the Doctor show up just feels like more messing with the cannon for the sake of trying to get a cheap thrill, it shows a lack of respect towards the series and towards those that enjoy it. However, I would expect nothing more from the current day BBC.

Overall, more garbage paid for by an archaic and unjust tax.

0.5/5

Pros.

It makes for a good thing to laugh at

Cons.

The guest star can’t act

The star twist is stupid and doesn’t fit

The future Doctor idea is lazy and disrespectful

It is cringe

It is too long

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Rare Exports: Refining The Santa Trade

Summary

A Finnish youngster, Onni Tommila, and his father, Jorma Tommila, find wild Santa Clauses and elves after a glacier is drilled and decide to make some money.

So despite the outlandishness of that premise this film is not a comedy, not really, it is more so an action horror film with a silliness to it. I found the film to have a number of scary moments, and I would say the action was strong in the last third of the film, hence I am happy to call it an action horror film. The jokes were few and far between so I wouldn’t say to watch this if you are looking for a laugh.

I found it interesting to see a Christmas film from outside the Anglosphere and to see how they approach it, I am relatively new to Finnish cinema but I must say that they have a way with vistas, between this and the other Finnish film I have seen of Sisu I have to say the Finnish really have an eye for cinematography.

I found the idea of evil Father Christmas/Elves to be refreshingly different and not go in the way I was expecting it too, so that’s a plus as well.

Overall, an interesting and fresh film, with some slight pacing issues.

4/5

Pros.

It is fresh

It has some good scares

The action is also good

The ending sets up interesting prospects for the future

Cons.

Pacing issues

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The Holdovers: Away At Christmas

Summary

Paul Giamatti plays a man obsessed with ancient Rome and who gets stuck watching some private school kids over Christmas.

Honestly I think this film was massively overrated. I saw why it won academy awards it feels like the sort of film that would win them, but should it have? For example, though Da’Vine Joy Randolph won for her role as a grieving mother, the only performance that stirred me towards feelings any kind of emotion was Giamatti. This final scene where his life has basically imploded is far more emotional that Randolph’s character who mopes and occasionally makes a sassy comment.

I think in many ways like a Pixar film this film was trying to manipulate you with its arc into feeling something into caring, all films do this to a degree, but when the kids father was in an asylum it was clear the film wanted to hit you in the feels. The issue with this artificial approach of course is that it feels disingenuous, it doesn’t feel real or authentic and as such it seems shallow within its emotional resonance.

Overall, a sad film and one that is not all that impressive.

2/5

Pros.

Giamatti

The score is fantastic

Cons.

It is emotionally manipulative in an obvious way

It is badly paced

It is overhyped

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That Christmas: An Epitaph To The Sorry State Of Modern Britain

Summary

Richard Curtis should retire and Netflix should issue a public apology.

Where to start with That Christmas? There are so many things wrong with it that I honestly don’t know.

First and foremost it doesn’t understand the UK, it was written by an Englishman and yet it depicts a south coastal city in the winter as having knee deep snow and having frozen ponds and bodies of water. For those of you not familiar with UK weather that is incredibly unlikely unless maybe you were at high altitude or it was particularly cold but otherwise it is nonsense.

Then you have all of your horrible and dating ‘modern day tropes’ one of the characters is really into militant veganism and so releases all of the Turkey’s to die or later be recaptured, another goes off on multiple climate change lectures and of course has all the answers despite being a child. Then there is the fetishisation of the NHS, our free public health service here in the UK if you’re unfamiliar, with their being a whole subplot about a single mother, voiced by Jodie Whittaker, being selfless and working on Christmas Day and needing to be treated like a queen when she returns home. It has the sickening and fake over sentimentality of when people were banging pots and pans in Tribute to the NHS during the pandemic. She is doing her job, and arguably being a bad parent, yet we are supposed to give her some applause? Of course every different race imaginable is depicted as it’s a Netflix film and they don’t seem to understand that not every part of every country is the same as what they see on the streets of LA, especially not the monied parts of southern England.

Finally, it struggles as a Christmas film without a message. All good Christmas films have a message as well as being entertaining, but what does this film have to say? Communities should come together? Christmas is about the people and not the presents? Old people caused global warming and so are evil? All of these things have been said before, more intelligently and with more depth, by trying so hard to appeal to a modern audience the film is left saying nothing.

Overall, Netflix spits in your face and tells you it is Christmas snow.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It doesn’t understand the UK at all

It is horribly dated

It is cringe

It feels the need to lecture

It has nothing new to say

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A Christmas Carol: Jim Carry Does A Yorkshire Accent

Summary

A Christmas Carol is animated and Jim Carrey attempts to do a Yorkshire accent.

As a child this was my favourite version of the Dicken’s classic, however, now watching it all these years later I find it has rather lost its charm. In many senses this suffers from the same sort of problem as The Polar Express and that is to say that the animation leans a little too closely into the uncanny valley and comes off as quite menacing and upsetting at times.

I appreciated Carrey’s performance and thought it was a high point of the film for sure, even his questionable Yorkshire accent for the Ghost of Christmas Present. His Scrooge really does feel the part in a way that a lot of the other on screen depictions just don’t.

I would argue that the ending needs a bit of work as when the transformation happens and Scrooge becomes nice rather than this feeling happy and like a personality shifted, it comes across a little bit manic here and a little as though Scrooge is having a breakdown. I would have said a positive but more subdued performance would have worked better here than a louder and more over the top one.

Overall, though a novel idea to animated the classic Christmas tale it is not without its issues.

2.5/5

Pros.

Carrey

Some impressive visuals

It is entertaining

Cons.

The animation can be too uncanny valley

The ending is a little too manic

It has pacing issues

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Dear Santa: Jack Black Goes Lame

Summary

The tamest adult comedy film ever.

So I was surprised to see the age rating of this film on Paramount Plus as I was sure that it was family friendly. It is a film about summoning the Devil, Jack Black, and it is about as scary and edgy as having an egg and cress sandwich that has an uneven number of pieces of cress on it.

They try to clear this up later by saying Black is not actually the Devil, rather a demon, but that still doesn’t explain in any way the tameness, honestly nothing even remotely adult happens and I have no idea how it got the rating it got.

Moreover, the ending which sees the couple’s dead kid resurrected as a result of a Christmas good deed granted by a demon, is all kinds of messed up. The religious stuff to one side for a moment, the idea that for any parents who may be watching that they can just wish their kid back is just cruel and it reminds them of their pain and loss and how in reality that won’t work. It just feels very much in bad taste.

Overall, a weak and disappointing Christmas comedy.

1.5/5

Pros.

It has one good laugh

It is short

Cons.

For the most part it isn’t funny

It is too tame

The ending is weird and uncomfortable

Black feels miscast

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Nutcrackers: The Season Begins In Earnest

Summary

Ben Stiller goes heartfelt for Christmas.

So David Gordon Green has been in a run of bad luck recently, the third Halloween Film, the first and last of his trilogy of Exorcist films and then this. This film does have some charm but reads a little like the more earnest comedies of about ten years ago mixed with Wes Anderson. In execution I would say it is derivative in intent but I would say that it doesn’t do it well enough to be even close to other similar films.

Honestly this is a film we have all seen too many times before, Ben Stiller plays an uncle called in to watch over his nephews after the death of their mother. It is only supposed to be for a few days until they find them a home, but can you guess what folks? He never leaves. Who could have guessed that. The fact of the matter is the film sets up Stiller’s character as this workaholic who lives for his job and yet he is all too quick to just give it up later in the film when they move in a different direction, this workaholic doesn’t even fight for it.

I think my major issue with the film is that the emotion just doesn’t feel genuine at any point. It feels insincere and in a film like this that is important.

Overall, it is clear what they were going for but it just didn’t stick the landing.

2/5

Pros.

It tries to be earnest

It does have a couple of sweet moments

Cons.

The emotion doesn’t feel real

It has pacing issues

The character motivations are bad

It has been done before

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Red One: Santa Clause Runs Guantanamo Bay

Summary

Captain America and Black Adam save Christmas.

This film is everything a Christmas film should be fun, festive and silly. It never takes itself too seriously and that is only too it’s benefit.

It is questionable who this film is for as there are very adult moments such as when Chris Evans burns the side of a snowman’s face off, and also learning about Santa Claus and his team using enhanced interrogation techniques, however if you go with the weirdness there’s a lot of laughs to have. I would argue that is still safe for families.

The duo themselves have some charm I would say of all of Dwayne Johnson’s pairings this is quite middle of the road, he was better with Emily Blunt. The characters and their journeys are fairly stock and generic and you have seen all of this before, but you also not coming to this for great character work, you are coming to it to see Krampus arrive in the third act to save the day very much like an Avengers esque moment.

The choice of villain in Sabrina’s own Kiernan Shipka is odd. The idea of this teen girl bossing around men three times if not more her size is a little bit absurd however this is a film that has talking polar bears so maybe absurd is it’s bread and butter. When she reverts to her troll form at the end of the film then she is far more of a menacing threat.

Overall, a silly and fun Christmas film.

4.5/5

Pros.

It is fun

It is silly

It has great world building

It is imaginative

The duo are charming enough

Cons.

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Christmas As Usual: A True Get Out Sequel

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple goes home for Christmas and then her family proceeds to be racist towards the incoming fiancé for the entire runtime of the film, only having a ‘man racism is bad’ moment right at the end of the film because the plot demands it, you can tell they still hate him even at the end.

I challenge you to watch this film and not be infuriated by the Norwegian family. They make no effort to embrace Jashan, Kanan Gill, and are racist to his face multiple times and you are still supposed to like them in the plot of the film. Then they get the daughter’s ex round, blonde hair blue eyes and try and set her up with him in front of Jashan. If this film was a Get Out sequel I could believe it.

I mentioned it briefly in the summary but basically the family is awful to Jashan across the film to a point where he leaves and breaks off the engagement, as he should as the girl is too ashamed to reveal the fact she is marrying a man of colour, they then have a come to Jesus moment and go ‘wait a minute are we the baddies’. This feels forced in for the plot and I would have preferred if that had been the end of it, if it had been a drama, make a point, have them be racist and unrepentant, that would have felt more authentic again there shift here felt contrived.

Overall, In many senses this film is a good outrage film, it makes you feel angry and sometimes that is what you want maybe not out of a Christmas rom-com though. I would say at times the film is almost in the so bad it is good category as the characters are so cartoonishly twisted and easy hate to hate them characters. If you want to find an anti-rom com for Christmas then here it is.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is laughably bad at times

It makes you angry it is a good hate film

Jashan has a few nice wholesome moments

Cons.

It is hard to watch at times

The shift is unconvincing

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Navigating Christmas: Where Is A Storm When You Need One

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A single mum, Chelsea Hobbs, in order to prove she is ‘fun’ takes her kid to a lighthouse for Christmas as you do.

Again another painfully by the numbers Christmas film, I think of the crappy Christmas films that stick to the standard script that I watched this year this was by far my least favourite. For the simple reason of the teen actor playing the main woman’s kid is awful. So the character is a cliché stereotype that acts like he’s five despite clearly being older than that, and blames his mum for everything in his life. The character is so off putting that it is easier to just skip over any scene he is in.

The romance between Hobbs character and the male lead is better and the romance aspect of the film makes it salvageable but honestly it is nothing you haven’t seen before.

Sadly there isn’t much more to say about this you have seen it before, the teen is irritating to a point of the film being hard to watch at times, watch something else.

Overall, an incredibly generic Christmas film

1.5/5

Pros.

The romance is okay

It is mindless

Cons.

The kid is irritating

You have seen this before

It is badly paced

It makes so real stupid leaps in logic

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